For the school where I work, this past weekend was prom – that magical night when a girl’s dreams come true.  Assuming her dreams involve trying to walk in 5-inch heels, not eating your expensive dinner because the dress is too tight, and then listening to deafening music with a guy who thinks he’s the […]

May my children have the strength to forgive those who treat them poorly. And may those who treat them poorly be granted understanding of their actions. And then may that understanding make them be driven blind with grief, and plunge them into insanity and despair forever. May my children have the skill and good fortune […]

Sign posted in a hotel I stayed at recently: “HEY!” “WHAT?” “DO YOU SEE THAT RED THING ON THE WALL?” “THE THING THAT’S FLASHING?” “YEAH, WITH THE PIERCING HORN BLASTS COMING OUT OF IT. WHAT DO YOU THINK THAT IS?” “I DON’T KNOW. IS IT FOR PAGING SOMEONE?” “WELL, IT SAYS ‘FIRE’ ON IT.” “RIGHT, […]

I have returned! Yes, I have awoken from a long, dormant slumber, like… like… shoot. Surely there must be some analogy appropriate to the moment for emerging with new life after a season of cold silence… hm.  I’ve returned like a thing that wakes up as symbolism for rejuvenation.  A bear?  Muhammed Ali in the “rope-a-dope” […]

It will be a great day when schools have all the funding they need, and the military has to hold a bake sale to buy a new bomber. – bumper sticker. Excuse me, sir?  Sir?  Would you be interested in some shortbread?  Lemon bar?  The lemon bars are fresh, sir; why, private Williams here got them […]

Hey! Hi! It’s me! I’m here! Now, you might be trying to remember who I am, or you might be saying, “Dude, it’s been, like, 2 months since you’ve posted.” And, first off, you’re calling me ‘dude’? But secondly, that may be the case – I would not know, since I have become spiritually enlightened […]

If this is your third time at Fight Club and you still haven’t brought anything for the potluck table, I mean, it’s not a requirement I guess, but come on, dude. No making “whoosh” or “pow” sounds to give your punches sound effects. Matrix Club meets down the street. Breakdance fights, or spirited arguments are […]

This is a recent, and real, posting on Craigslist, here where I live.  I’ve kept it exactly as is, except for removing information which might reveal identity or contact information: In need of a time travel companion (please take this seriously) I have a functioning time machine I know it sounds unbelievable, but “I assure […]