Time-Travel and Fish Vengeance: They Just Don’t Mix

July 28, 2014

Humor

This is a recent, and real, posting on Craigslist, here where I live.  I’ve kept it exactly as is, except for removing information which might reveal identity or contact information:

In need of a time travel companion (please take this seriously)

I have a functioning time machine I know it sounds unbelievable, but “I assure you it works.” I need a second person to operate it with me. I’m looking for someone who is adventurous and reliable. Preferably a female that can do heavy lifting.

I am leaving on July 31st, in the morning and plan to return August 3rd. I am going to June 1988 to handle some business. If you are serious about time travel and are reliable, then please contact me.

You do not have to pay anything, but you will need to pack light. I will be conducting interviews in the next couple of days. The only qualifications needed are that you are reliable and that the circumferance of your head is no more than 64cm.

Please send me an email along with a picture of you on an adventure.

**

This is followed by 2 photos: one of, presumably, the time-travel machine:

       The second, of someone – presumably the advertiser/inventor/time-traveler – holding a fish he has just caught.

Slide1

Dear Sir:

I am writing in response to your ad for a time-travel companion.  First off, let me say congratulations on creating a working time-machine.  Kudos, sir.  Kudos.

I have some questions, but first let me give you my qualifications: First, I’m very serious about time-travel.  I have seen The Terminator  & T2, Star Trek IV, as well as having read HG Wells’ The Time Machine.  That’s right, a book.  But that’s not the extent of my seriousness.  I have also seen Jean-Claude Van Damme’s Time Cop – the entire thing.  No one who isn’t deadly serious about time travel could make such a claim, I’m sure you’ll agree.

Oh, Time Cop, right, the one with the splits and the cupboard… that one.

Now, I’m not female, so hopefully their isn’t a crucial estrogen element to the function of the machine, but I am up for heavy lifting (is the lifting for the machine, or for the “business” in 1988? Sorry, I said I’d save my questions), and am willing to dress in drag, if need be.

Okay, fine, sure… but does she have a tub of Dippity-Do? Didn’t think so.

In addition, since we’re going to 1988 we’re going to need to fit in; I happen to have the INXS album Kick on cassette, a can of Jolt Cola, and an unopened tub of Dippity-Do styling gel I’ve been holding onto just in case such an opportunity should arise  (to think people said I was being ridiculous!).  I’d like to think that this experience and preparedness would be things I could bring to the table that someone else, even a heavy-lifting female, could not.

Now, if you’ll permit me, I do have just a couple questions.  Little things, really:

First, the fish picture.  Is the fish connected to the running of the time machine in some way, or is it pertaining to the business in 1988?  I mostly ask because if you are seeking vengeance of some sort on this fish, well, I suggest you take a quick peek at the ending of Moby Dick.

It ends badly, my friend. It ends badly.

Second,  I am a little concerned about the dial on the outside of the time machine – assuming this is for sealing it up, who’s going to close it?  Are you going alone, and just need a second person to close it?  Because this would affect my packing.

Third. Why return 3 days later?  I don’t mean any criticism, it just seems that one of the perks of a time travel machine would be to come back… you know… immediately. Are you going for a sort of ‘Christ’ metaphor?  Or will your business in 1988 take 3 days and you don’t want everyone staring at you on your next birthday when you just don’t look quite old enough.  Juuuust not quite old enough.

Fourth, this business you need to handle in June of 1988. Assuming it’s not fish-vengeance, I’m up for just about anything, though I’m wondering: is this something that will disrupt the space-time continuum, thus creating a temporal paradox that will unravel the fabric of the universe destroying all life and existence itself?  Because this, too, will affect my packing.

Lastly, and I’m sorry for so many questions, please don’t take it as a commentary on your ad being vague or confusing in some way:

The right hat makes all the difference. No hat? Just some dude.

About the head-size thing.  Are there hats involved?  I do like a good hat.  Is it simply that you dislike people with large heads?  Is it connected to the fish from the picture in some way?  Are you insecure about the size of your own head?  My head is a pretty standard, slightly on the large-side, 61 centimeters (roughly – I had trouble seeing the ruler as I turned it around my head), but my body circumference is larger that this, so hopefully that isn’t the size of the tube.

Thank you for your time, and again, really, congratulations.  This whole thing is, I can say with total sincerity and honesty, jaw-dropping.


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About The Byronic Man

Recently voted "The Best Humor Blog in America That I, Personally, Write," The Byronic Man is sometimes fiction, sometimes autobiography. And sometimes cultural criticism. Oh, and occasionally reviews. Okay, it's all those different things, but always humorous. Except on the occasions that it's not. Ah, geez. Look, it's a lot of things, okay? You might like it, is the point.

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46 Comments on “Time-Travel and Fish Vengeance: They Just Don’t Mix”

  1. List of X Says:

    B-man, I’m pretty sure the time machine is legit, because the fish in the second photo has been extinct for 200 million years.

    Reply

  2. Curlysblog Says:

    Maybe the fish is the real brains behind the time machine.

    Reply

  3. Cassandra Says:

    Could you bring me back a Betamax when you return? I’ve got these tapes of Live Aid that I’m never going to be able to watch again. It’s tragic, really.

    Reply

  4. mistyslaws Says:

    Based on that application, I would say you are totally in. Although, you seem to have neglected to include a picture of you on an adventure, as requested, so I hope that doesn’t take you out of the running. There are rules for time travel, my friend. Rules that must be followed.

    Reply

  5. Sarah Day Says:

    The three-day thing is critical. What if you have a dog or cat to feed? It would be much more convenient to return home on the same day so you could take care of it yourself, rather than trying to explain a time-traveling absence to a neighbor. It would also be nice if he could take someone along who has unfinished 1988 business. For me, that would be an ideal time to order the wedding cake that I forgot to take care of. Would make for much better pictures, if in fact the pictures already in my album would change. OK, I’m done, my head hurts.

    Reply

    • The Byronic Man Says:

      Maybe he’s having painting or fumigating done or something, and has to be out of the house anyway so he figures, you know… might as well do a little time traveling…

      Reply

  6. jbw0123 Says:

    Had to measure my own head which is, um, considerably less than 64 cm (25 13/64 inches for Yanks like me). Now he’s got me wondering what a person with a head larger than 64 cm would look like. Humpty Dumpty? Many thanks for helping me waste 10 perfectly good minutes.

    Reply

  7. silkpurseproductions Says:

    It looks like you made it under the wire for head size. I’m pretty sure my head is bigger than that. I have a lot of trouble finding hats that fit.

    Reply

  8. LVital7019 Says:

    Ah, the wonders of the delusional Craigslist ad. Be forewarned – the entertainment usually stops there as they normally don’t reply even if you sound sincere. Trust me, I’ve tried. 😉

    Reply

  9. Jackie Cangro Says:

    I’m so disappointed that the machine is not a DeLorean.

    Reply

  10. girlforgetful Says:

    ‘Jaw dropping’ is an understatement. If you get the gig, make sure you call me while you’re in 1988 and tell me to dump that guy I’m seeing because LOSER.

    Reply

  11. 1pointperspective Says:

    I was motivated to do a quick web search for what newsworthy things occurred in June of 1988. Here are a couple of them: June 6, 1988 – 3 giant turtles were found living in a Bronx sewer plant. June 20, 1988 – Price Is Right model Janice Dickinson is knocked out by a camera. I also considered that maybe he needed to go back to June to stop something which might not be happening until the next month or so. The only thing I could find in July was this: July 31, 1988 – Last Playboy Club closes (Lansing, Michigan).
    Connections? The time travel is scheduled for a period suspiciously close to the present day release of the new Ninja Turtle movie. A coincidence? As far as Janice Dickinson getting KO’ed by a camera, it’s possible that hit on the noggin was what knocked the screw loose that put her on the plastic surgery binge ever since. Why our time traveler would care so much about Ms.Dickinson’s body dysmorphia remains a mystery. As for the Playboy Club, we could assume that our intrepid time traveler attended Michigan State as a young man. He was bilked into buying a pile of drink coupons for the Playboy Club in September of 1988, during his freshman year. Word quickly spread through the dorm of his foolish purchase for drink coupons at a club which had been closed for several months. He vowed then and there to invent a time machine and travel back to redeem his coupons. Vengeance would be his at last, and he’d have his fill of Alabama Slammers.

    Reply

  12. Jayne Gray Says:

    I think he should hire you, based on the JCVD-split-on-the-kitchen-counter picture alone!

    Reply

  13. lizziearias Says:

    I would pay good money to be in that room on July 31st.

    Reply

    • The Byronic Man Says:

      It would really be a “cover your eyes but peek through your fingers” situation, wouldn’t it. And wouldn’t you, in some part of your heart, hope hope hope that it worked?

      Reply

  14. Sandy Sue Says:

    This guy obviously needs your space/time continuum expertise since he can’t return the day he left. I have a sneaking suspicion he’s far more into fish-fondling than quantum physics, so you’d better ask him for his head size before going any further.

    Reply

  15. pegoleg Says:

    I’m concerned about the use of quotation marks around the assertion “I assure you it works.” What is he implying? And why are we assuming the inventor is a “he?” Would that change your mind about applying?

    Reply

    • The Byronic Man Says:

      Yeah, I wondered about that, too. Is he quoting someone? “As Mother Theresa once said…”? And based on the photo before I blacked out the face, I’m reasonably confident it’s a “he.”

      Reply

  16. JS Mehner Says:

    Reblogged this on J S Mehner and commented:
    I may have to become a Craigslist troll

    Reply

  17. Elyse Says:

    To think, I spend all this money on cable TV. I should just read Craig’s List. Way cheaper.

    Reply

  18. Blogdramedy Says:

    If you are selected, remember to hydrate and pack condoms.

    Reply

  19. aaforringer Says:

    Unfortunately I will be attending Infantry School in Ft. Benning, GA so don’t call me, no personal calls.

    Good call on the book thing these scientist are just not as well read nowadays. Maybe you should just send him the Cliff notes on Moby Dick.

    (although if you could drop me a post card to my parents house and tell me to wear shoes in August, it would save me 6 days in the hospital from a Brown Recluse Spider bite)

    Reply

  20. spartacus2030 Says:

    I’m already flying through time on these pills I’m taking! I’m only doing what it says on the label: ‘Take as many as you like, whenever you feel like it…’ Sometimes I sleep for months; on and off of corpse! :O(

    Reply

  21. Outlier Babe Says:

    Excellent response, certain to work. One teensy quibble:
    No MALE who isn’t deadly serious about time travel could make such a claim…
    This straight female enjoys the h#ll out of that film. Especially that split. And the one with the trucks.

    Reply

  22. spill71 Says:

    laughed the whole time, needed that today..thanks!

    Reply

  23. Futureman Says:

    Time travel is serious business. He needs to be stricter with his qualifications. I mean, he didn’t even mention hand size or foot size!

    Reply

  24. Spade King Says:

    That’s a solid application. I see no reason why you didn’t get the position.

    Reply

  25. David Howell Says:

    Lol…the ad is funny. Your take on it is funnier. I enjoyed it.

    Reply

  26. Kit Cassidy Says:

    Reblogged this on Cowgirl with a Dream and commented:
    I want to go time traveling! Lol. But only in a DeLorean, so I this wouldn’t work for me…

    Reply

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Time-Travel and Fish Vengeance: They Just Don’t Mix | West Coast Review - July 28, 2014

    […] Click here for: Time-Travel and Fish Vengeance: They Just Don’t Mix. […]

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    […] cute…   (Sadly, my request went unanswered.)   ADDENDUM   Had to add a link to this hysterical post from The Byronic Man, which shows what someone with REAL writing talent can do with a response to a […]

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