Tag Archives: Featured

My Quarantine Goals: Original and Revised

May 11, 2020


Original: Start doing qi gong Revised: Not become an alcoholic Original: Make a crossword puzzle and get it in into the NY Times Revised: Have fewer than 15 people I need to apologize to at the end of this Original: Brush up on my French Revised: Better make that fewer than *20* people Original: Clock […]

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Fight Club: The Complete Rules

August 18, 2014


If this is your third time at Fight Club and you still haven’t brought anything for the potluck table, I mean, it’s not a requirement I guess, but come on, dude. No making “whoosh” or “pow” sounds to give your punches sound effects. Matrix Club meets down the street. Breakdance fights, or spirited arguments are […]

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Oh Boy! My Mortgage Holder Is Merging With Another Bank! Eeeeeeeee!

April 28, 2014


Dear Valued Mortgage Holder: We are very pleased to inform you that we are currently in the process of merging with another bank. This will offer many exciting, new possibilities for the future. First off, thanks for saying I’m valued. I don’t want to make this weird, but I’ve been feeling pretty unappreciated lately, and […]

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Ultimate Survival Guide: When Bad Ears Happen To Good Bees

September 3, 2013


“Get to a dark place as quickly as possible and try to lure the bee out of your ear with a single source of light like a flashlight… Never try to pull it out with your fingers.” – From “Tormented By A Bee In Your Ear,” Dangerous Situations, And How To Escape in One Piece, […]

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The Rejected Endings of “A Farewell To Arms”

July 29, 2013


According to lore, Ernest Hemingway re-wrote the final sentence of his classic novel A Farewell To Arms 25 times.  After Frederic’s struggles to survive the war, and to be with his beloved Catherine, she dies suddenly.  And in typical Hemingway terseness, Frederic finally leaves her body at the hospital and Hemingway concludes: “After a while I […]

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The 5 Situations In Which It Is Acceptable To Say “That’s So Gay”

April 11, 2013


Times It Is Acceptable to Say, “That’s So Gay”: You’re trying to tell someone “That’s okay” and you have a pretty bad cold. Someone has just done a spot-on impression of actress Marcia Gay Harden, from Miller’s Crossing. You’re at a Robert Mapplethorpe exhibit. You’re trying to be supportive of a friend who’s recently embraced […]

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Getting To Amsterdam On $20, Strangers For Companions, And No Idea Where You’re Going

March 4, 2013


When I was in college I spent a couple terms in Nottingham, England.  Toward the end of Fall term I decided to go to Amsterdam – by that point, though, almost all the Exchange students had already gone, so it was down to the scraps: Two guys from Maine, a southern belle, some random guy […]

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One Night In Winnemucca And The World’s Your Oyster

December 11, 2012


A while back I wrote about one of the first paid stand-up comedy gigs I ever had, in the lovely Winnemucca, Nevada.  (Here, if you want a little context for today’s story)  At the end of it, I mentioned a guy from the casino taking us out to show us Winnemucca’s “nightlife.”  I said it […]

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The Thin Triplicate Line Between Society and Chaos

June 5, 2012


“…There shall be no use of illegal drugs on the premises by the lessee, or associates of the lessee, subject to immediate nullification of the rental contract…” – clause in standard rental agreements * Scenario 1: Landlord: And in here you’ll see the main room.  Fireplace works, we just ask that you get the chimney […]

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Never Say “Never Say Never.”

June 4, 2012


I will never try to make you understand how I feel through interpretive dance. I will never utter the phrase, “this has too much cheese on it.” If we’re in traffic together, and the 2-lane is ending, and the rest of us are merging every other car, like civilized adults, and you gun it to […]

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A Letter To The Person Who “Un-followed” Me

May 1, 2012


So, I see you decided to unfollow me.  Well, that is certainly your right.  I’m sorry to see you go, but I understand.  Perhaps my blog wasn’t your style.  Perhaps I’m just not your cup of tea.  Perhaps I inadvertently offended you somehow, though I sure hope not.  Perhaps you just wanted to, in the […]

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