June 9, 2016


What’s Hot & What’s Not This Summer!

Most popular cocktails for summer Mojito Cosmopolitan Margarita Least popular cocktails for summer Brocco-tini Beef Nog Listerine & Tonic Most popular ice cream flavors Vanilla Chocolate Butter Pecan Least popular ice cream flavors Chutney Fudge Swirl Uncooked Pork Explosion Ben & Jerry’s “Does This Smell Like It’s Gone Bad To You?” Most popular family vacation […]

Continue reading...

March 14, 2016


Byronic Man 2016: A Candidate He, Personally, Can Believe In

So this year’s presidential campaign is obviously insane.  I think we all keep waiting for it to get sane, and the waiting only makes us crazier.  I needed a candidate I could believe in.  And after an exhaustive search, I’ve found me!  Me: a candidate I believe in. And so should you.  Why? When I […]

Continue reading...

January 11, 2016


Limping Toward Glory. Or At least Toward ‘Not Limping.’

At the start of 2015 I said that 2014 was the year I found out I couldn’t do it all. So humbled. So wizened. Then came 2015. The year I found out, apparently, I can’t do anything. Oof. Rough one. If the year was a race, as I hobbled across the finish line to 2016 […]

Continue reading...

June 15, 2015


Have You Seen Too many Movies?

Bonus question: Have you ever wondered how you'd do on the Voight-Kampff test?

A co-worker tells you he’s 3 days from retirement. Your first thought is “Wish I was retiring” “Hm, wonder who’ll replace him? “You’re totally a dead man.” You go to unlock a door – car door, apartment, whatever. As you reach for the lock, you drop your keys at the last second. As you bend […]

Continue reading...

June 8, 2015


If The English Language Had Been Created As A School Assignment

First off, this is very thorough.  Great job – you’ve got everything here a language needs to be not only functional, but allow for nuance, tone, even connotation. I do have some concerns, though. The first is there seem to be some important words missing.  Example: There’s an entire entertainment industry built off of enjoying […]

Continue reading...

June 1, 2015


Won’t Get Fooled Again. Except When I Will.

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times, oops. Duh. Right. Fool me four times, and it’s possible I’m kind of in to it. Fool me five times, shame on my friends. Fool me six times, it’s possible I need professional help. Fool me seven times, shame […]

Continue reading...

May 25, 2015


Please Hire Me To Be Your Movie Superhero

Wow, all these superhero movies. They’re everywhere aren’t they? And they just keep being wildly popular. But these superhero movies… they’re lacking something… a certain je ne sais quoi… well, actually, I do sais quoi: they’re lacking me! Yes, the time has come for a Byronic Man superhero movie. And not just because the name […]

Continue reading...

May 18, 2015


35 Years Ago, Mt. St. Helens Opened An Awe-Inspring, Majestic Can Of Whoop-Ass On Us

Most of the damage appears to be at the front of the vehicle, indicating - Mr. Wykes - that you ran in to the volcano.  Not the other way around, as you would have us believe.

Today marks the 35-year anniversary of the eruption of Mt. St. Helens, in southern Washington State.  What follows is a chronology of some of the more note-worthy moments: July 9, 38,000 BC – Mount St. Helens forms, beginning a devious plot to erupt and destroy the area towns. August 15, 1979 – As per the […]

Continue reading...

May 11, 2015


I Now Pronounce You ‘Brain & Brain.’

Your reign of terror is over, Smoke Alarm!  ...Do you smell smoke?

I’ve decided that the courts need to not only allow, but perhaps even mandate, brains to marry one another. Why? Because of smoke alarm batteries. That isn’t clear? Oh. Let me explain. The other night, right about 3am, a battery in one of our smoke alarms went out. So, of course, it began its beeping, […]

Continue reading...

May 4, 2015


Ah, Good Evening, Monsieur. May I Park Your Horrible Piece of Crap?


For the school where I work, this past weekend was prom – that magical night when a girl’s dreams come true.  Assuming her dreams involve trying to walk in 5-inch heels, not eating your expensive dinner because the dress is too tight, and then listening to deafening music with a guy who thinks he’s the […]

Continue reading...

April 27, 2015


A Father’s Wish For His Children

And you know what?  You got ants and allergies and sunburn to worry about... maybe stick with the other one.

May my children have the strength to forgive those who treat them poorly. And may those who treat them poorly be granted understanding of their actions. And then may that understanding make them be driven blind with grief, and plunge them into insanity and despair forever. May my children have the skill and good fortune […]

Continue reading...