Fight Club: The Complete Rules

August 18, 2014

Freshly Pressed, Humor

  1. You do not talk about Fight Club
  2. YOU DO NOT TALK ABOUT FIGHT CLUB.
  3. If someone says stop, goes limp, or taps out, the fight is over.
  4. Only 2 guys to a fight.
  5. One fight at a time.
  6. No shirt, no shoes.
  7. Fights will go on as long as they have to.
  8. If this is your first time at Fight Club, you have to fight.
  9. If this is your second time at Fight Club, you have to help clean up at the end of the evening.
  10. You know, it's YOUR fight club, and if you choose not to bring any food...

    You know, it’s YOUR fight club, and if you choose not to bring any food…

    If this is your third time at Fight Club and you still haven’t brought anything for the potluck table, I mean, it’s not a requirement I guess, but come on, dude.

  11. No making “whoosh” or “pow” sounds to give your punches sound effects. Matrix Club meets down the street.
  12. Breakdance fights, or spirited arguments are allowed.
  13. No body armor. I can’t believe that’s not obvious.
  14. No selfies during a fight. This is more advice than a rule.
  15. Talking about fight club in code – like calling it “Bite Shrub” or “Kite Flub” or “Ite-fay Ub-clay” – is still considered talking about it.
  16. You get to win on your birthday.
  17. Obvious cracks around Mr. Durden such as “Hey, Mr. Durden, you get a haircut? You look like an entirely different person!” or “Who do you think you are, Brad Pitt?” are heavily discouraged.
  18. Oh, that's right, we're also expanding in to Fight-PIlates on Wednesdays and Friday mornings.

    Oh, that’s right, we’re also expanding in to Fight-PIlates on Wednesdays and Friday mornings.

    Thursday night is fajita night.

  19. THURSDAY NIGHT IS FAJITA NIGHT.
  20. If, hypothetically, this club grew in to a sort of anarchy cult called, like – and this is off the top of my head – Project Mayhem, where we – again, purely as a hypothetical – destroyed buildings and stuff, you wouldn’t be allowed to talk about that, either.
  21. But if that happened, then you could talk about Fight Club, just not the other thing.
  22. A-HA! GOTCHA!! No, you still can’t talk about Fight Club!
  23. I know we’re all real proud of what we do here and want to show off a little, but, seriously, we just have to say No Kids.

    Whoo! Way to commit to the theme, fight clubbers!

    Whoo! Way to commit to the theme, fight clubbers!

  24. The first Saturday of every month will be a theme night, such as our recent “Renaissance Fight Club,” “Star Trek Fight Club” and “80’s Video Fight Club”.
  25. No more bears. I think we all learned a valuable lesson in humility that night.
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About The Byronic Man

Recently voted "The Best Humor Blog in America That I, Personally, Write," The Byronic Man is sometimes fiction, sometimes autobiography. And sometimes cultural criticism. Oh, and occasionally reviews. Okay, it's all those different things, but always humorous. Except on the occasions that it's not. Ah, geez. Look, it's a lot of things, okay? You might like it, is the point.

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86 Comments on “Fight Club: The Complete Rules”

  1. sonmicloud Says:

    I am highly tickled by this.

    – sonmicloud

    Reply

  2. Sophie, She Wrote Says:

    Made me laugh out loud – if only there was an acronym for that…

    Reply

  3. Hippie Cahier Says:

    If I said to someone, “Hey, you have to read what’s on my computer screen right now. You’ll love it,” that’s not talking about, you know, right?

    Reply

  4. Helena Hann-Basquiat Says:

    Oh, this was really brilliant. One of my favourite movies ever, and this was a wonderful send-up. Especially loved the bit about Project Mayhem.

    Reply

  5. Cassandra Says:

    When’s fajita night again? Don’t want to miss that one.

    Reply

  6. jbw0123 Says:

    Nothing about No Girls Allowed, so I’m in, but only on Thursdays. Corn tortillas or flour?

    Reply

  7. ggbolt16 Says:

    Reblogged this on Reflections of a Pastor Couple and commented:
    Important to follow the rules

    Reply

  8. ggbolt16 Says:

    I’ve missed reading your blog. Picked a good time to jump back in.

    Reply

  9. christawojo Says:

    I’ll bring my world famous bean dip.

    Reply

  10. sonmicloud Says:

    Reblogged this on Sonmi's Cloud and commented:
    Duly pilfered and re-posted.

    Reply

  11. She's a Maineiac Says:

    Good lord this was hilarious! you made me laugh out loud several times, no mean feat considering the state of things lately.

    Also, I’ve never seen the movie Bite Shrub, so I assume the gist of it is Brad Pitt played an asshole with ripped abs and loose-fitting pants?

    Reply

  12. LVital7019 Says:

    Hahaha! That is just awesome. 🙂 I JUST caught part of the movie this weekend and was saying I have to sit and watch the whole thing in full. Now I get to watch it with this list in mind so it’ll be pretty much ruined for my husband from my inappropriate laughter at inopportune moments of the film. He’s never seen it…

    Reply

    • The Byronic Man Says:

      Well, one of life’s great joys is laughing at the wrong time during a movie. I burst out laughing during Guardians Of The Galaxy during a serious scene when I realized the thundering, sadistic, genocidal villain was being played by the Piemaker from the show “Pushing Daisies.”

      Reply

  13. Go Jules Go Says:

    I’m pretty sure if you brought the bear in on your birthday, things would have worked out just fine.

    Reply

  14. aaforringer Says:

    That is great and brought to mind The 213 Things Skippy Is Not Allowed to Do

    https://www.fanfiction.net/s/6167529/1/213-things-skippy-can-no-longer-do-in-the-us-army

    I love #25.

    Reply

  15. adjpants Says:

    Also, is there room for one more at Fight Pilates?

    Reply

  16. thefoodandwinehedonist Says:

    Brilliant rules, and I’m totally down for any night EXCEPT fajita night. The peppers and onions make me gassy

    Reply

    • The Byronic Man Says:

      Nothing’s more embarrassing than flatulence during a fist-fight. Everyone’s trying not to giggle, you’re walking funny trying to hold it in…

      Reply

      • Tar-Buns @ Here and ThereSa Says:

        This is hilarious. I’m laughing out loud at the comment play.
        Congratulations on being FPd! Well deserved.
        You were pressed right after Pegoleg was FPd.
        Two great blogs I know up on the big wall at the same time. And, you CAN talk about it. 🙂

        Reply

  17. blogtendi Says:

    Reblogged this on BLOGTENDI.

    Reply

  18. Michael Says:

    I wonder if Mime Fight Club would be a workable theme night. Mimes would be singularly appropriate given the rules, no?

    Reply

  19. mistyslaws Says:

    I’ll be there on Thursday. I’m a sucker for a good fajita. And that’s the ONLY reason I’m coming. Because there’s nothing else to see here, folks. Nope, not a thing.

    Reply

  20. rossmurray1 Says:

    Number 19. NUMBER 19!

    Reply

  21. Lorna's Voice Says:

    I didn’t see a rule about do-overs. Can I assume that there are do-overs at Fight Club?

    Reply

  22. silkpurseproductions Says:

    It makes me very happy to see all the rules in their entirety but I can’t really tell you that. See rule #1,2,15 & 22. I’m not talking about it.

    Reply

  23. fosterteamltd Says:

    Reblogged this on THE DUNGEON DRAGON SOCIETY. and commented:
    yes, Now This is strait out The dungeon.

    Reply

  24. billscott17blog Says:

    What about adding a rule like, “No hitting in the ‘beer belly’?” For middle-aged men like me, this essential rule is a deal-breaker. Hilarious post – time to watch the flick again. Cheers.

    Reply

  25. rachann12 Says:

    Reblogged this on mynewbeginnings2012 and commented:
    Love this!

    Reply

  26. frau poseidon Says:

    “No making “whoosh” or “pow” sounds to give your punches sound effects.”

    So Chris Pratt wouldn’t be allowed in the Fight Club then. I guess he’d be a little sad about that…

    Reply

  27. brezyk Says:

    Reblogged this on .

    Reply

  28. elkelorraine Says:

    Matrix Club down the street. Hilarious! No selfies during a fight. Even more hilarious. Thanks for this. Love Fight Club.

    Reply

  29. purpleperceptions Says:

    I love this!!! Loved the you-know-what-we’re-not-supposed-to-talk-about-it too, except for Brad Pitt. This is hilarious lol.

    Congratulations on being Freshly pressed!

    Cheers,
    Cookie ~

    Reply

  30. palomiita97 Says:

    Reblogged this on justaregularteenager and commented:
    you do not talk about fight club period.

    Reply

  31. Anthony Says:

    If you need entrance music you must supply the MP3 30 minutes before your fight.
    If two combatants have the same theme music….. well, we call that a grudge match
    If that same theme song comes from Seattle in the 90’s…. well we call that a grunge match.

    Reply

  32. Cary Vaughn Says:

    Thank GOODNESS you posted these. My chapter of Fight Club has been at odds about many of these rules. You, sir, are a life saver.

    Reply

  33. pkendon Says:

    Reblogged this on I am not a wine snob but … and commented:
    Well Thursdays work for me. See you there

    Reply

  34. quincy harley jr Says:

    Reblogged this on Q's place and commented:
    First rule of Fight club…and the other 20something rules, left on the cutting room floor.

    Reply

  35. emmacoch Says:

    i love that movie but this is hilarious loool

    Reply

  36. shoereader Says:

    Okay fine! I will follow you and have someone FUNNY on my list.. Also, isn’t telling me the rules of fight club technically talking about fight club?

    Reply

  37. chicparadizblog Says:

    Reblogged this on ChicParadiz and commented:
    Weekend intro

    Reply

  38. tallulah14 Says:

    I’ll have to bide my time between the Matrix club and the club to which I shan’t name as per the extensive but fairly legit rules… I just don’t know that I could ever be a truly fulfilled fighter without my POW app.

    Also, very funny post–thanks for the laugh!

    -Tallulah

    Reply

  39. Angelina Says:

    I am Jack’s physical response to humorous stimuli. 😛

    Reply

  40. lulubellaloveslife Says:

    Reblogged this on lulubellaloveslife and commented:
    Hahahahaha #WhatFightClub?

    Reply

  41. abbiehbrewer Says:

    Reblogged this on Abbie H Brewer and commented:
    I will never watch Fight Club in the same way again. I love this!

    Reply

  42. Deborah the Closet Monster Says:

    Bwahaha! Got to this late, but in this case, late is definitely better than never!

    Reply

  43. drsahilthakur Says:

    Fantastic post. Though I am new at WordPress it’s posts like these that inspire me to write more. I hope you can take some time and go through my blog. It’s new but your critique can help me hone my art too. 🙂 PS: Food before Fights. 😉 Thursday a Fajita night … I can almost hear Brad Pitt saying the same in the movie. Had it happened the movie would be more like Ratatouille 🙂

    Reply

  44. beardbusiness Says:

    HAHA!! number 11..for those who are ninjas..in their minds…good stuff..needed it today 🙂

    Reply

  45. laurensusangreenwood Says:

    Why would anyone ever fight on any night other than Thursday? Science says nothing replenishes norepinephrine like sizzling beef (fajitas also make great hot compresses).

    Reply

  46. smbaird Says:

    Love it. Great list of rules for, you know, the thing.

    Reply

  47. M M Parth Says:

    Thanks for share us…nice blog

    Reply

  48. scarletsalkeld Says:

    This is amazing! AAAAAAAA

    Reply

  49. joncarr000 Says:

    “A-HA! Gotcha! No, you still can’t talk about Fight Club.” Hilarious.

    Reply

  50. PRZEdama Says:

    I love this movie!

    Reply

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Fight Club: The Complete Rules | cygoode - September 10, 2014

    […] Fight Club: The Complete Rules. […]

  2. the review of fight club | resueric - February 6, 2015

    […] https://thebyronicman.com/2014/08/18/fight-club-the-complete-rules/ […]

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