Ah, Good Evening, Monsieur. May I Park Your Horrible Piece of Crap?

May 4, 2015



Oh, hahahahaha. Yes. This will distract nicely from your crippling insecurities about your appearance. Well played, sir.

For the school where I work, this past weekend was prom – that magical night when a girl’s dreams come true.  Assuming her dreams involve trying to walk in 5-inch heels, not eating your expensive dinner because the dress is too tight, and then listening to deafening music with a guy who thinks he’s the first one to come up with the idea of wearing a “funny” tuxedo.

This was the third year I helped with valet parking along with some of the other teachers.

About as hard to park as you'd expect.  Maybe a little harder.

About as hard to park as you’d expect. Maybe a little harder.

Some kids were barely holding it together in terms of how to be “formal” and navigating valet parking was just too much. Some pulled up, saw that teachers would be in their car and suddenly decided – perhaps to the sound of clinking bottles and lingering puffs of smoke – that, you know, maybe I’ll just park this baby myself.  But a lot of kids used the service.  I parked a huge range of cars from Mini-Coopers to giant, jacked-up trucks with foghorns.

They basically broke down like this:

Shambling Heaps Of Squeals And Rust That Shouldn’t Be On The Road.  You know exactly the cars I mean.  Gauges don’t work.  The many “something’s wrong” lights glaring like a Vegas casino. Belts screeching.  Seats look like they have mice living in them.  These were my favorites.  These are the cars high-schoolers should be driving.

Mom Let Me Borrow The Good Car.  This is the safe car – also fairly clean.  Sensible; there’s probably a door on it that opens automatically.  There’s a sticker on the back the kid thinks is soooo uncool. No one in the prom party is allowed to eat or drink anything in this car, you guys; seriously, my mom will, like, totally freak.

Hm, um, I'm pretty sure you were low on gas when you dropped it off.  Also, I think you'd already gotten those speeding tickets.  Heh.

Hm, um, I’m pretty sure you were low on gas when you dropped it off. Also, I think you’d already gotten those speeding tickets. Heh.

Hey, Uncle Robbie, Don’t You Have A ___________? The cool car.  Maybe it’s a ’73 Camaro, maybe it’s a Hummer – but it’s interesting.  Your valet may wish to take this one for a little spin while you’re dancing the night away.

Let’s Play Classy! The other borrowed or rented car – this one’s the Audi, or the BMW convertible that’s totally wasted on the kids.  Also, the gas gauges are consistently on empty because, oh you’ll borrow the expensive car, but you’re not shelling out for gas!  Come on!

I Am, In Fact, A Rich Little Puke.  The ridiculously nice car that’s littered with wrappers, clothes and textbooks and smells bad because it’s totally not even the one I wanted. I asked for a black Lexus and I got a silver Audi; like, are you kidding me? I have the meanest parents.

The Moped.  Nice.

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About The Byronic Man

Recently voted "The Best Humor Site in America That I, Personally, Write," The Byronic Man is sometimes fiction, but sometimes autobiography. And sometimes cultural criticism. Oh, and occasionally reviews. Okay, it's all those different things, but always humorous. Except on the occasions that it's not. Ah, geez. Look, it's a lot of things, okay? You might like it, is the point.

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37 Comments on “Ah, Good Evening, Monsieur. May I Park Your Horrible Piece of Crap?”

  1. BrainRants Says:

    What an adventure for you… or not. Did you update your tetanus shots before swimming in this brine of germs?


    • The Byronic Man Says:

      When you first start teaching they warn you that you’re going to be sick for the entire year. Going to work in a school is like endurance training for your immune system.


  2. silkpurseproductions Says:

    That sounds like it would be a lot of fun…for one night. I always think you can tell a lot about a person by how they keep their car. It seems you pretty much nailed all of them.


    • The Byronic Man Says:

      Yeah, I don’t know how long it would be fun. My grandfather and uncle & aunt all parked cars at the Del Mar racetrack, but I think that’d be different, because you’d see some seriously high-end cars there… and then back them into a parking space at 60mph.


  3. Michael Says:

    I was homeschooled, so I never got to experience the joys of prom, not to mention valet parking. Apparently I missed a lot.


  4. minefake Says:

    “The moped.”


  5. Dana Says:

    We had a bona fide BUS take us to prom– not a full-sized bus, but the community shuttle style of bus. And it was OURS for the night. With a driver and everything! Everyone else in the whole school rented limos for the evening, and there was mass confusion as hundreds of bedazzled people tried to figure out which black stretch limo was ‘theirs’ after the dinner ended and before the offsite after party began. Not us, man. The 8 of us saw our AWESOME SHUTTLE BUS and were like ‘Yo! That’s ours!’ We were soooooo cool! 😉


  6. Nurse Kelly Says:

    Ha! Love this – I agree they should be driving the heaps – makes for better memories


    • The Byronic Man Says:

      Exactly. What’s the fun in reminiscing with friends over the functional, conventional car you used to drive? I had a car in high school for a while that you had to run the heat all the time or the engine would overheat. Hundred degrees outside? Too bad, cranking the heat.


      • Nurse Kelly Says:

        I think men reminisce more about their cars than women do – I had a Honda Accord that my dad kept in pretty good shape for me, but the boys inevitably drove beaters for some reason!


  7. Nagzilla Says:

    Ah, prom. My daughter’s prom is this weekend, but there’s also an anime convention this weekend. Guess which one she’s going to?

    (If you guessed prom, you would be wrong)


  8. Amy Reese Says:

    How fun for you. Did you get any tips? Some of the cars the kids are driving these days. It must be nice!


  9. List of X Says:

    Very appropriately for a teacher, you’re grading not just the students’ classes, but also their cars.


  10. Deli Lanoux, Ed.D. Says:

    How funny! How fun! You get to do the coolest things!


    • The Byronic Man Says:

      Hm… I honestly can’t tell if that’s sarcasm. It was a lot of fun, but I’d never have thought of being a valet at a high school prom as cool. Well, if you’re serious: thanks! It was a good time. If you’re sarcastic: Sheesh, harsh.


      • Deli Lanoux, Ed.D. Says:

        Oh, yes I’m serious! I taught twenty-seven years and thoroughly enjoyed myself, especially when we did extracurricular “stuff” like spend the day at the zoo without the principal knowing I’d gotten parents’ permission to do so.


  11. Jackie Cangro Says:

    I had one of the “shambling heaps of squeals and rust.” The turn signals were broken, the trunk was rusted so badly that I didn’t need to use the key to open it. If I rolled the window down (manually, mind you), I couldn’t roll it up again without using my hands to guide the window back up. Good times!

    I hope you valet parked one of those. 🙂


    • The Byronic Man Says:

      Several, actually. The great thing is you don’t have to worry about grinding the gears, or dinging the bumper. Everything’s been long-since ground & dinged.


  12. rossmurray1 Says:

    At my son’s prom, someone arrived with his date on a tractor.
    My son, meanwhile, drove his girlfriend’s grandfather’s convertible. He brought a change of underwear just in case.


  13. pegoleg Says:

    So agree on the rust-bucket being the appropriate vehicle for a kid.

    The tiny college I attended freshman year had a 2 year program in car dealership management. The parking lot looked like a showroom with row after row of brand-new Vettes and Camaros that Daddy let the kids drive . Snot-nosed, entitled a-holes.

    Not that car-less me was jealous at all. As if.


    • The Byronic Man Says:

      I think I’d be jealous of people with nice cars if they didn’t think it somehow reflected their superiority. Something about that seems so gross and sad that it wouldn’t be worth the trade.


  14. Boone Ashworth Says:

    The car I took to my senior prom was my Mom’s SUV. With her driving. I was 18 and still didn’t have my driver’s license because I never went anywhere.
    So my mom drove me to pick up the girl I liked and then drove her back home after the prom was over.
    Oh, and we got there two hours late, missed dinner, and spent the whole night avoiding eye contact.
    It went better than expected.


  15. A. Forringer Says:

    Picked up my date for the prom in a orange and tan Volkswagen van (it would be considered a mini van now). She was so mad, but then we hopped in my buddies borrowed Cadillac, things got better.


  16. wvgal Says:

    No horse pulled carriages?


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