For the school where I work, this past weekend was prom – that magical night when a girl’s dreams come true. Assuming her dreams involve trying to walk in 5-inch heels, not eating your expensive dinner because the dress is too tight, and then listening to deafening music with a guy who thinks he’s the first one to come up with the idea of wearing a “funny” tuxedo.
This was the third year I helped with valet parking along with some of the other teachers.
Some kids were barely holding it together in terms of how to be “formal” and navigating valet parking was just too much. Some pulled up, saw that teachers would be in their car and suddenly decided – perhaps to the sound of clinking bottles and lingering puffs of smoke – that, you know, maybe I’ll just park this baby myself. But a lot of kids used the service. I parked a huge range of cars from Mini-Coopers to giant, jacked-up trucks with foghorns.
They basically broke down like this:
Shambling Heaps Of Squeals And Rust That Shouldn’t Be On The Road. You know exactly the cars I mean. Gauges don’t work. The many “something’s wrong” lights glaring like a Vegas casino. Belts screeching. Seats look like they have mice living in them. These were my favorites. These are the cars high-schoolers should be driving.
Mom Let Me Borrow The Good Car. This is the safe car – also fairly clean. Sensible; there’s probably a door on it that opens automatically. There’s a sticker on the back the kid thinks is soooo uncool. No one in the prom party is allowed to eat or drink anything in this car, you guys; seriously, my mom will, like, totally freak.
Hey, Uncle Robbie, Don’t You Have A ___________? The cool car. Maybe it’s a ’73 Camaro, maybe it’s a Hummer – but it’s interesting. Your valet may wish to take this one for a little spin while you’re dancing the night away.
Let’s Play Classy! The other borrowed or rented car – this one’s the Audi, or the BMW convertible that’s totally wasted on the kids. Also, the gas gauges are consistently on empty because, oh you’ll borrow the expensive car, but you’re not shelling out for gas! Come on!
I Am, In Fact, A Rich Little Puke. The ridiculously nice car that’s littered with wrappers, clothes and textbooks and smells bad because it’s totally not even the one I wanted. I asked for a black Lexus and I got a silver Audi; like, are you kidding me? I have the meanest parents.
The Moped. Nice.