The Byronic Man: Now At One With The Universe!

November 10, 2014

Humor

Hey! Hi! It’s me! I’m here! Now, you might be trying to remember who I am, or you might be saying, “Dude, it’s been, like, 2 months since you’ve posted.” And, first off, you’re calling me ‘dude’? But secondly, that may be the case – I would not know, since I have become spiritually enlightened and time has been revealed as an illusion to me.  Enlightenment seems to feel strangely like sleep-deprivation and tension-headaches, but I do not question. Because of the enlightenment. To explain…

Pictured here: The Byronic Man. Sure, being a sentient ball of light makes getting ready in the morning a snap, but getting through customs?  Forget it.

Pictured here: The Byronic Man. Sure, being a sentient ball of light makes getting ready in the morning a snap, but getting through customs? Forget it.

A couple months ago I went to a retreat at a place in the mountains called Breitenbush. You know when you think of stereotypes associated with the state of Oregon? Breitenbush all of them, turned up to 11. Much of it is ‘clothing-optional.’ There’s no cell reception because of electro-magnetic waves. The dining hall serves things like Tofu Florentine, and Seaplant Gumbo.   So many drum circles… Obviously, a few days there and I was about 85% of the way to enlightenment already. I went there for a few days for a running & yoga retreat and to get away because I knew I had some major life-changes coming up, to add to a lifestyle that is already ridiculously busy. Such as:

  1. Taking over the drama department at the high school where I teach. They needed someone; they asked me because of my experience; I laughed – I was going to be too busy. Then I thought about it, and thought it might be fun, and I knew that the program might be in trouble because there wasn’t anyone to do it. So maybe I’d help for a year, maybe I’d love it and take over for good. Who knows.
  2. I’m getting ready to start traveling and doing seminars teaching teachers about teaching. I’m hoping to eventually teacher some teachers to teach teachers teaching, but mostly to see the word lose meaning. Yes, the Byronic Man may be coming to a convention center near you to talk about essay writing! Whoooo! This has meant putting a book together, organizing the presentation, etc.
  3. Hm. I swear there was a third thing. Ummmm….I mentioned the drama thing already, right? Huh.

Oh, yeah!

IMG_0041

My wife and I had another baby.  His name’s Oscar. Enlightenment Zen Exercise: Take a moment to review numbers 1 and 2 in light of number 3, then meditate on what an idiot I am. So, as you can imagine, I’ve gotten a little busy. And a little strung out. Basically I’m a broken shoelace from just sitting on the floor and sobbing. And it is through this state of over-extension and sleep-deprivation that I have transcended to a higher plane.   I now contemplate zen riddles such as: How come no one ever says I look younger than I am anymore? If a baby uses 8 diapers a day, and there are two babies, how are we using about 900 diapers a day? Will I keep posting on The Byronic Man? Oh, but of course. For you see, we are all connected – I am always posting, and you are always reading; just as you are always posting, and I am always reading. I have always been posting. And together, we form the eternal blog. Also, yes, I will be posting, but probably sporadically for a while. At least until my neck stops being so tight that it feels like the buddha’s got me in a chokehold.

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About The Byronic Man

Recently voted "The Best Humor Blog in America That I, Personally, Write," The Byronic Man is sometimes fiction, sometimes autobiography. And sometimes cultural criticism. Oh, and occasionally reviews. Okay, it's all those different things, but always humorous. Except on the occasions that it's not. Ah, geez. Look, it's a lot of things, okay? You might like it, is the point.

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62 Comments on “The Byronic Man: Now At One With The Universe!”

  1. Lorna's Voice Says:

    Oh, Enlightened and Sleep-Deprived One, you know this better than I: all things change. In case you are confused by this truth, it’s actually good news. There, that’s one less thing you have to think about. And diapers follow a logarithmic formula not an arthimatic one, so the 900 for two babies seems about right.

    Congratulations on your Oscar! 🙂

    Reply

  2. Michelle Says:

    Funny, I was just thinking yesterday, “whatever happened to The Byronic Man?” Congratulations on the new baby! And the new challenges – it’s mostly all worth it. 🙂

    Reply

  3. Sarah Day Says:

    Congratulations! Oscar is, of course, beautiful. Take a deep, cleansing breath.

    Reply

  4. athenarcarson9 Says:

    “If a baby uses 8 diapers a day, and there are two babies, how are we using about 900 diapers a day?”

    I have to share this with you, as I was once a confused young mother of two small children. I, too, was under the impression that the universe, being a logical place, always complied with laws of mathematics. It doesn’t. Abandon any attempt to rationally analyze number of diapers, volume of laundry, volume of poop, volume of puke, and everything else. Here’s why – what difference does it make? Regardless of “why” any of the above exists in the amount it does, your role is the same – handle it.

    Reply

  5. athenarcarson9 Says:

    By the way – congratulations on the little guy! He’s adorable!

    Reply

  6. Every Record Tells A Story Says:

    Many congratulations on #2. It’s funny how life just keeps getting busier isn’t it?

    Reply

    • The Byronic Man Says:

      Yeah, “simplify!” is on the to-do list, but somehow I keep not getting to it. On the plus side, often it gets busier because there’s nothing you can get yourself to give up. Other times, of course, it’s just… busier.

      Reply

  7. angeliquejamail Says:

    I was just thinking the other day that I hadn’t seen any posts from you and was wondering! But you have great excuses. And the third one is adorable. 🙂

    You may have figured this out already, but going from one baby to two is not twice, but four times the work. The good news? They’re so close in age that by the time Oscar is two or three, everything will be easy-peasy. Or it will feel that way compared to now. 😉

    Good luck. Post when you can. We’ll still be here.

    Reply

  8. snoozing on the sofa Says:

    Congrats to you, wife, Oscar, and older sibling.

    Reply

  9. christawojo Says:

    Oscar is a great name!!! There are not enough Oscars anymore. Congratulations.

    And I think there are some self-defense techniques you can use to get out of Buddha’s mean chokehold.

    Reply

  10. thefoodandwinehedonist Says:

    Congrats on all counts! As someone involved in school theater, I can assure you that the your experience with the new baby will prepare you for the completely illogic thought processes of teenagers who put the drama in “drama.”
    awesome name, awesome looking kid…

    Reply

    • The Byronic Man Says:

      Perfect example: a cold snap hit us yesterday here. Most students were saying “Man, it’s cold!” I got to drama class and people were shivering and bellowing, “Oh my GOD, I’m SO COLD!! I think I’m going to DIE!! I can’t even FEEL MY FEET!!” and so on.

      Reply

  11. pensitivity101 Says:

    Congratulations on the new arrival. Your very own ‘Nod’. God Bless the Little One.

    Reply

  12. Dana Says:

    Oscar is so cute! I’m sure he’s worth the extra chaos and tension headaches…

    Reply

  13. Elyse Says:

    Congratulations twice over, B-Man. And may you never run out of diapers during a storm.

    My very favorite person in my young life was my high school acting teacher. I still use the things he taught me. And frankly, I can see you teaching life long skills — motivation, subtext, etc. I can’t think of anybody better for that job.

    Reply

  14. chickensconsigliere Says:

    My high school drama teacher didn’t know crap about teaching drama, but he was a great and giving teacher and I’ll bet you are too. Congratulations on your new kid-he’s really cute. I think the reason people don’t tell you that you look younger than you are anymore is because you look so enlightened they don’t even think about your age, just your wisdom. I’m not sure about your second zen question but what Lorna said seems reasonable. If you have a third baby, however, it’s interesting to note that the number of diapers stays about the same. Part of that whole potty training/gestational period algorithm.

    Reply

  15. mistyslaws Says:

    Well, I guess congrats are in order, but probably only for the baby. That other stuff is plain cray cray. As I am currently brewing baby #3, if my hubs told me he’d be traveling more and heading up a drama department, I might kill him. But that may just be the hormones talking. Then again, probably not.

    Good luck on all of your new adventures. Eventually, you start feeling sane again, but it takes a few millennia.

    Reply

  16. Jackie Cangro Says:

    Congrats on your new baby Oscar! All wonderful news here.

    And good luck on teaching the teachers to teach the, um, teaching. Or something like that.

    Namaste.

    Reply

  17. becomingcliche Says:

    Oh, my heavens! I did NOT see that one coming! Congratulations on all fronts!

    Reply

  18. Go Jules Go Says:

    He lives!!! (Like I can talk.) I think you should send your theater students to the retreat. Or at least lock in some free babysitting.

    Reply

    • The Byronic Man Says:

      Actually, I upgraded my WordPress account to the new “Auto Post Writing” feature. Soon my posts will be advertising dates with young, Russian women and 1 simple trick to lower your mortgage payment.

      Reply

  19. Hippie Cahier Says:

    Dude. Way to make me feel like an underachiever. Just reading this was exhausting. Congratulations and very best wishes with all of this!

    Reply

  20. Deborah the Closet Monster Says:

    Congratulations! Oscar’s lovely, as if that bore another pointing out. 🙂

    Reply

  21. Life With The Top Down Says:

    All that and you had time to create a BABY…you are indeed Byronic Man! Congrats and good luck with everything new in your world. Oscar is just beautiful and I’m sure your daughter is loving her new title as Big Sister. Blessing to you and your family.

    Reply

  22. Anka Says:

    And here I thought you were done with blogging. Forever. I would’ve pulled a 60-day disappearing act, too. Oscar is adorable!!

    Reply

  23. Jason Preater Says:

    Hey, you know what? I didn’t miss you, but it is always a pleasure to read what you write. The kid, the job, the teaching teachers stuff: it all sounds exciting. Getting older isn’t so bad either.

    Reply

    • The Byronic Man Says:

      Whoa. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Whoa. Whoa. Hold on. Are saying that everyone’s world doesn’t revolve around me? Because… because… I… I just don’t know what to do with that…

      Reply

  24. silkpurseproductions Says:

    Well, congratulations on #1, #2 and especially #3! Those are some of the best reasons (see I didn’t say excuses) I have ever heard for not posting. Especially #3. I need to come up with some better “reasons”.
    Nice to read you again, Byronic.

    Reply

  25. Michael Says:

    Congratulations! Welcome back, and I hope the enlightenment thing goes well. Or has always gone well. Zen tenses are difficult to pin down.

    Reply

  26. angrymiddleagewoman Says:

    After reading your post I need a nap. Congrats on the bouncing baby boy! Right now I’m juggling a 16 yr old girl with a 16 year old boyfriend and trying to keep her focused on getting into and going to college so I’ll trade you. But only for 24 hours, ’cause at least I’m getting 7 consecutive hours of sleep a night. Except for when I’m up worrying about the boyfriend….

    Reply

  27. pegoleg Says:

    Wow – congratulations!

    Reply

  28. stormy1812 Says:

    And I thought my life was hectic lol…I’ll just shut up now. 🙂 Congratulations on the baby! He’s absolutely adorable. I too wondered what happened to the Byronic Man but I’ll wonder no more. Best wishes in all those endeavors!

    Reply

  29. joncarr000 Says:

    Congrats.
    Ask Sexy Stalin:
    How come no one ever says I look younger than I am anymore?
    If a baby uses 8 diapers a day, and there are two babies, how are we using about 900 diapers a day?

    Reply

  30. Angie Pantazi Says:

    Wow. I don’t check in on you for a while and suddenly another baby has arrived and you are teaching teachers to teach teachers to teach! And I thought I was busy. Congratulations on the arrival of little Oscar! Enjoy the enlightenment – there is nothing more zen than watching a newborn sleep.

    Reply

  31. Polysyllabic Profundities Says:

    Welcome back and congratulations!!!

    Reply

  32. Wilma Says:

    Congratulations, dude!

    Reply

  33. jbw0123 Says:

    You are so electro-man it took three tries to load your page. Ah Breitenbush! Will not reveal to your students that you were recently seen in a clothing optional setting. Favorite mind image of Breitenbush: my friend Y of Korean descent, 63 going on 14, wearing only lady bug rubber boots giving directions to someone outside the steam house of the slimy seats. Enough to enlighten anyone. Sad to say, after that trip my first stop was Dairy Queen. Congratulations on your new job and baby. Glad you reached the apex before the birth of second child. Enlightenment will come in handy.

    Reply

  34. Don't Quote Lily Says:

    I’m trying to remember who you are…it’s been…long enough for you to have had another baby. CONGRATS to you guys! On the baby and everything. Take care! 🙂

    Reply

  35. She's a Maineiac Says:

    Congrats!! He is precious!

    Reply

  36. rochelle013 Says:

    Congratulations!!!!!

    Reply

  37. The World Is My Cuttlefish Says:

    Congratulations on Oscar… and on your other achievements and on managing everything (despite what you say).

    Reply

  38. Lunar Euphoria Says:

    Wow – busy guy. Congratulations on all accounts! And may the force be with you. 🙂

    Reply

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