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Please Hire Me To Be Your Movie Superhero

May 25, 2015


Wow, all these superhero movies. They’re everywhere aren’t they? And they just keep being wildly popular. But these superhero movies… they’re lacking something… a certain je ne sais quoi… well, actually, I do sais quoi: they’re lacking me! Yes, the time has come for a Byronic Man superhero movie. And not just because the name […]

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Please Hire Me To Be Your Late Night Talk Show Host

April 14, 2014


Whoooaa, now!  Letterman announces his retirement, opening the doors to months of giving our lives meaning by arguing endlessly over who should take over and you just, just, just… name someone?  That’s just mean!  And are you sure you’ve given this enough thought?  And, NBC, on a scale of 1-to-10, how committed are you to […]

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Please Hire Me To Wiretap Your Phone Calls And Emails

June 25, 2013


I’d been pretty on the fence about what to think of all this NSA surveillance, and then I heard someone make the most logical point I’ve ever heard: he reasoned that the NSA says it’s stopped 50 terrorist attacks.  Then he pointed out that 3,000 people died in the 9/11 attacks.  Thus, ergo, Quad Erat […]

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Please Hire Me To Be A Twisty Human Car Model

March 25, 2013


Ah, I see that you, Australian artist Emma hack, are working on another “automobile made of painted people.”  There’s also those Canadian Ford ads doing something similar. Tough stuff, getting the right people for something like that.  Got to go for the top tier of models.  Sure, the people you got for the previous one […]

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Please Hire Me To Be Your Lawyer

January 24, 2013


I’ve been looking over your case and, I have to tell you, I think it looks very strong.  With my help, not only will you be hailed as a hero, but we’ll both get very rich. Ah, but perhaps I’m getting ahead of myself.  I know there are lawyers just everywhere, so why, you might […]

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Please Hire Me To Write Your Concession Speech

November 10, 2012


Honestly, I can’t imagine much harder than giving a political concession speech.  To put that much of yourself in to something, that much money that much time, and then to lose and have to walk out in front of the cameras right then – not even get a day to drink a bottle of tequila, […]

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Please Hire Me To Be Your Presidential Candidate

September 10, 2012


Okay.  So.  Well.  The political conventions are over and, I’ll be honest, I was a little hurt that neither party made me their presidential candidate for the upcoming election.  I know the two main candidates have gotten a lot of hype and media attention, and I’ve decided that the problem is that I haven’t made […]

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Please Hire Me To Write Your Sequel

August 2, 2012


Well, summer is shifting to its latter half now, with the coming of August.  And with it, the realization that there just isn’t enough time for all those lazy days, those projects, and those trips as you always think there will be.  Also, it’s time for Hollywood to begin the slimy, crass calculations to determine […]

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Please Hire Me To Be Your Doctor

June 19, 2012


You have a lot of choices about who you see for you medical needs, and – of course – when it comes to your health, you want the very best.  And that’s me.  Yes, I realize the “in the box” thinkers will tell you that you should see someone who’s been to “medical school” and […]

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Please Hire Me To Be A “Job Creator”

May 21, 2012


Lately, in this election year, we see more and more talk about the need for employment, as well as a lot of talk about fair taxation.  Many argue the solution lies in focusing our attention on – not the “rich,” how dare you use that term?  That’s a hateful term.  The solution lies in liberating […]

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Please Hire Me To Be A Supreme Court Justice

April 26, 2012


The Supreme Court seems to be having some trouble lately.  Justices not showing up for work, having inadequate experience, sitting there silently for 6-year spans of time (that would be Thomas).  Maybe they need some new blood.  Someone to shake things up.  Someone who would bring a new approach to law. Someone like me. Why […]

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