Operation: Dessert Storm

December 1, 2014

Humor

It will be a great day when schools have all the funding they need, and the military has to hold a bake sale to buy a new bomber. – bumper sticker.

Excuse me, sir?  Sir?  Would you be interested in some shortbread?  Lemon bar?  The lemon bars are fresh, sir; why, private Williams here got them out of the oven and sprinkled the sugar not 30 minutes ago.  It’s for a good cause.  Sir?

Thank you anyway, sir.  Maybe next time.

Corporal Jackson!  Front and center! What in the hell, I mean what in the holy living hell did you do to this apple pie!?  For God’s sake, son, it’s the all-American dessert!  The Belgians are pounding Twin Falls, Idaho, and you’re giving me apple pie with no crust on top?!  No cross-hatching?!  This is not how to win a war, damn it!  Son, you better get your head in this bake sale, or they’re going to be eating waffles and chocolates in Boise this time next week!  Dismissed!

I love the smell of baked goods in the morning! No, really, I do.

Good afternoon!  Ma’am?  How about you? Got a couple of little ones with you, I see.  Couple of fudge bars?  Or I’d recommend General Rahmsdorf’s 4-star cinnamon buns.  They’re a battalion of yumminess, ma’am.  Yes, ma’am it’s a fundraiser.  Yes, to stop the Belgian army.  No ma’am, tell you the truth we never gave the Belgian army much thought until they started their slow march into the US.  No, no they don’t appear to have a strategy, they just sort of seem to be wandering from town to town, which is why, boy, I won’t lie to you, ma’am, we sure could use that bomber.  We lost Bozeman yesterday and… no, ma’am, I’m not sure why Bozeman.  Yes, ma’am it is lovely, but strategically…?  the point is, the sooner we can raise these funds…Thank you, ma’am.  That’ll be $5.97.  God bless America.  Here’s your change.  Oh, thank you, that’s very kind.

And that’s how you sell 3 cinnamon buns.  Boom.

Corporal Jackson, add this to the total.  Don’t give me that face.  All right, look men, I know things seem bleak.  But we add this 6 dollars to our total today and we’ve made 84 dollars and 25 cents.  You add that to our total from last week and we just need to raise… um… carry the 2… 970, 842, 300 dollars.

Phoo.

Okay, that’s a lot, I’ll admit.  But negative thinking isn’t going to get it done.  Guts.  Determination.  Frosting.  Big smiles.  That’s going to win this thing.

War is never pretty. 

Oh, hello, young man, what’s your name?  Well, hi Jimmy.  Maybe an after-school treat?  Coconut bunker-buster?  Well, yes, I suppose it does have a lot of complex-carbohydrates. Uh, I don’t know the sugar content either, Jimmy; I think they’re low fat, though!  Oh, really?  Coconut?  Didn’t know that.  Why yes, I suppose it might be trans fats.  Where’d you learn so much about diet at your age?  Oh, right.  Well, balanced diet and nutrition certainly is important, we know that, right men?  Yes, that’s true Jimmy, any amount of trans fat is bad.  You know, no one likes a know-it-all Jimmy.  Just something to think about.  Okay, maybe next time.  Maybe they’ll teach you how to lighten up a little in that school of yours.  Ha ha.  Just teasing you there, Jimmy.

Brat.

Ah, good afternoon, sir.  Sir?

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About The Byronic Man

Recently voted "The Best Humor Blog in America That I, Personally, Write," The Byronic Man is sometimes fiction, sometimes autobiography. And sometimes cultural criticism. Oh, and occasionally reviews. Okay, it's all those different things, but always humorous. Except on the occasions that it's not. Ah, geez. Look, it's a lot of things, okay? You might like it, is the point.

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32 Comments on “Operation: Dessert Storm”

  1. BrainRants Says:

    Can’t say I disagree with the bake sale notion, honestly. Then again, I’d hate to be taken over by Canada, or Belgium.

    Reply

  2. Sarah Day Says:

    Doesn’t the military know they can no longer have bake sales that peddle delicious homemade goods that aren’t marked for peanuts/tree nuts/gluten/dairy, etc. and instead they must hawk processed foods they wouldn’t feed their own families, wash cars, and sell coupon books full of discounts to places no one will ever go? (Did I say that out loud?)

    Reply

  3. cordeliasmom2012 Says:

    Maybe they could also sell those window stickees – some for each holiday, and some cut-your-owns for in between or for those who don’t celebrate holidays, but still want to decorate! And don’t forget the bottle drive – certainly the military has the resources to move all those bottles to the return center – five cents each – big money there!

    Reply

  4. J.B. Whitmore Says:

    Is this just coincidentally posted right after Thanksgiving, when we’re all taking stock of new rolls around the belly? Never mind. Pass the chocolate bombs.

    Reply

  5. Hippie Cahier Says:

    A little good ol’ fashioned Vermont maple syrup will take care of the Belgians.

    Reply

  6. susielindau Says:

    Chocolate would bring them to their knees.

    Reply

  7. Elyse Says:

    Oh damn. The Belgians are against us too?

    Reply

  8. Michael Says:

    I bet the Girl Scouts would make stellar defense contractors. They’re the Lockheed Martin of the baked goods sales world…

    Reply

  9. peninda Says:

    Old Belgian generals never die … they just go to Guatemala as advisors during doughnut harvesting season.

    Reply

  10. thefoodandwinehedonist Says:

    That’s it – I’m renaming my favorite breakfast item to Freedom Waffles.

    Btw – I’m assuming that was a 73 Buick with the bumper large enough for that sticker?

    Reply

  11. hmalapanis Says:

    Reblogged this on A Bright Ray of Hope and commented:
    Haha!

    Reply

  12. Jay Says:

    Great cue, you really ran with this one!

    Reply

  13. davidjhovsepian Says:

    This is fucking HILARIOUS! hahaha

    Reply

  14. Nurse Kelly Says:

    Hello Byronic Man – that sounds like a speech impediment – I recently found your blog and I think it’s the funniest one I’ve seen on WP yet. It’s kind of overwhelming since I’m new to all of this, but I’ll figure it out. Maybe it’s time for you to post again since it’s 2015…

    Reply

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