A Father’s Wish For His Children

April 27, 2015

Humor

May my children have the strength to forgive those who treat them poorly. And may those who treat them poorly be granted understanding of their actions. And then may that understanding make them be driven blind with grief, and plunge them into insanity and despair forever.

I really respect your decision to give us this house, sweetie.

I really respect your decision to give us this house, sweetie.

May my children have the skill and good fortune to become wealthy, and the wisdom to see that wealth won’t make them happy. And then – and I can’t stress this next step enough – decide they should give said wealth to their parents.

May they be healthy. And smart. And wise. And kind. And attractive. And funny. And clever. And fit. And gracious.  And charismatic.  And stylish without being trendy.  And quick with perfect rejoinders.  And generous. And able to figure out the perfect gratuity in their heads.  And… you know what? Physically and mentally perfect. Perfect in every way.

May they somehow simultaneously live a life of adventure and exploration, while never doing anything that could get them hurt. Not sure what this one looks like, exactly…

And you know what?  You got ants and allergies and sunburn to worry about... maybe stick with the other one.

And you know what? You got ants and allergies and sunburn to worry about… maybe stick with the other one.

May my children see the simple joys in life, like falling asleep under a tree on a sunny day, or always doing what their father says.

May they be humble in victory, and theoretically gracious in defeat, even though they will never experience it.

May they find something in their life that makes them truly happy, whether it’s a career, an art, a hobby, or always doing what their father says.

May they find true love in their lives, always remembering that was this true love there to comfort them when they were scared of monsters in the night? Or care for them when they were dehydrated with fever? Or show them how to ride a bike, or make cookies, or catch a ball? No. No, this so-called “true love” was nowhere to be seen.

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About The Byronic Man

Recently voted "The Best Humor Blog in America That I, Personally, Write," The Byronic Man is sometimes fiction, sometimes autobiography. And sometimes cultural criticism. Oh, and occasionally reviews. Okay, it's all those different things, but always humorous. Except on the occasions that it's not. Ah, geez. Look, it's a lot of things, okay? You might like it, is the point.

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33 Comments on “A Father’s Wish For His Children”

  1. BrainRants Says:

    And may our children always get green lights and left turns without non-signaling idiots.

    Reply

  2. Elyse Says:

    And may the deal graciously, always, with their father’s obvious case of early onset dementia.

    Reply

  3. Michael Says:

    I want that first paragraph cross-stitched on a pillow, for when I have kids. And the second paragraph too.

    Reply

  4. justo69 Says:

    Reblogged this on My Blog and commented:
    nice one….

    Reply

  5. Lorna's Voice Says:

    And should your children discover this Father’s Wish, may your children not share it with their Mother, because it was Her body who still carries the atrocities of childbirth, yet She is not mentioned once in this Father’s Wish. What’s up with that Father?

    Reply

  6. Deli Lanoux, Ed.D. Says:

    You said… May my children have the skill and good fortune to become wealthy, and the wisdom to see that wealth won’t make them happy. And then – and I can’t stress this next step enough – decide they should give said wealth to their parents.

    I say… Hilarious!

    You said… Your children should always do what their father says.

    I say… Uh huh. Right. You are such a dreamer! And funny and sensitive and warm.

    And you love your kids.

    Reply

  7. 1pointperspective Says:

    And may they never force their sainted father to purchase a mini-van.

    Reply

  8. minefake Says:

    (Scene: Son sitting, leafing through magazine, looking at houses. Father standing over him, looking at magazine over shoulder.) Son, I’m glad your making this choice to get me a new house. It shows signs of maturity, respect, and- OOOH!!! Can you get that one with the pool?! Look at how BIG it is, too!

    Reply

  9. pegoleg Says:

    This brings a tear to my eye. Perfection isn’t too much to ask, is it? Naaah.

    Reply

  10. rossmurray1 Says:

    Part manifesto, part agenda.

    Reply

  11. J.B. Whitmore Says:

    Phew. After several months of failing to find bloggers funny enough to be featured on my famous (kidding) Funny Blogs page, here you are. https://holdouts.wordpress.com/funny-blogs/

    May your children know, even if unconsciously, as they wend through terrible twos, prepubescent drama, high school tokes, fender benders and all nighters, how lucky they are to have a parent with a sense of humor. Cheers.

    Reply

  12. umashankar Says:

    I quite loved the undercurrent of human vanities.

    Reply

  13. hcorp8 Says:

    Perfect Paradise…

    Reply

  14. letbleepinghogspie00 Says:

    May my children never discover sex, no? Not until they’re, umm I don’t know, 45? I think that’s kind of important.

    Reply

  15. thelibrariansfv Says:

    I thought this was really funny and interesting to read. It not only shows the over-idealism of people’s expectations, especially parents and their children, but it also shows how there are so many contradictory ethics in the world. The look of success is to have money and fame, while at the same time it would be more “virtuous” to live a humble and quiet life. Just my thoughts on the subject…

    Reply

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