What The World Needs Now, Is Signs, More Signs.

April 13, 2015

Humor

Sign posted in a hotel I stayed at recently:

IMG_0120

“HEY!”

“WHAT?”

“DO YOU SEE THAT RED THING ON THE WALL?”

“THE THING THAT’S FLASHING?”

“YEAH, WITH THE PIERCING HORN BLASTS COMING OUT OF IT. WHAT DO YOU THINK THAT IS?”

“I DON’T KNOW. IS IT FOR PAGING SOMEONE?”

It could be so many things...

It could be so many things…

“WELL, IT SAYS ‘FIRE’ ON IT.”

“RIGHT, SO…?”

“SO MAYBE THAT’S A CLUE.”

“OH, LIKE MAYBE ‘FIRE’ IS AN ACRONYM?”

“EXACTLY. DO YOU SMELL SMOKE?”

*sniff sniff* ‘AS A MATTER OF FACT I DO. THAT’S STRANGE. ANYWAY, WHAT MIGHT F.I.R.E. STAND FOR, DO YOU THINK?”

“HM… HM… TOUGH TO SAY. IT’D BE EASIER TO THINK WITHOUT THAT SIREN BLARING.”

“YEAH, IT’S PRETTY ALARMING. WOW, THAT SMOKE SMELL IS GETTING STRONG. I HOPE NOTHING’S ABLAZE IN THE HOTEL.”

“I’M SURE THEY’D LET US KNOW IF THERE WAS A PROBLEM.”

“FULLY…INTEGRATED…RELAY…”

“NO, I DON’T THINK YOU’RE ON THE RIGHT TRACK.”

“WELL, WHAT DO— WHOA! LOOK AT EVERYONE FLOODING DOWN THE STAIRS. TAKE IT EASY THERE, PEOPLE!”

“YEAH, THEY’RE NOT GOING TO CHARGE YOU IF YOU DON’T CHECK OUT AT EXACTLY 11:00!”

“Ha ha! Good one.”

“WHAT?!”

“I SAID, ‘HA HA’!”

“FFFF… FFFF… FAIR… FUTURE… FFF… WOW, ARE YOU HOT?”

“YEAH, IT’S CRAZY HOT IN HE– OH MY GOD! A FIRE!”

“WHAT??!!”

“OVER THERE! A FIRE!”

Look at all those firemen!  Must be a convention, or something!

Look at all those firemen! Must be a convention, or something!

“OH NO! WHY ISN’T THE FIRE ALARM GOING OFF? WAIT, DO YOU THINK THAT’S THE FIRE ALARM?”

“LOOK AROUND, MAYBE THERE’S A **cough** SIGN TO TELL US!”

“OH, MAYBE THAT’S WHAT THE ‘F’ IN F.I.R.E STANDS FOR! FIRE… IN… **cough, cough** RESIDENCE… EMERGENCY! MAYBE?”

“’EVACUATE’?”

“YOU THINK WE SHOULD?”

“NO, I’M SAYING MAYBE THE ‘E’ STANDS FOR ‘EVACUATE.’”

“HEY, HERE’S A SIGN!  OH!  OH, OKAY!  YEAH!  THIS SIGN SAYS THAT THAT’S THE FIRE ALARM!”

“OH, THANK GOD! WHAT DO WE DO?”

“IT SAYS ‘IN THE EVENT OF FIRE, USE THE STAIRS’.”

“TO GO WHICH WAY? UP OR DOWN?”

“DOESN’T SAY.”

“AW, MAN! WHY ISN’T THERE ANOTHER SIGN??!!”

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About The Byronic Man

Recently voted "The Best Humor Blog in America That I, Personally, Write," The Byronic Man is sometimes fiction, sometimes autobiography. And sometimes cultural criticism. Oh, and occasionally reviews. Okay, it's all those different things, but always humorous. Except on the occasions that it's not. Ah, geez. Look, it's a lot of things, okay? You might like it, is the point.

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40 Comments on “What The World Needs Now, Is Signs, More Signs.”

  1. BrainRants Says:

    Some people need it that obvious.

    Reply

    • The Byronic Man Says:

      A comic I worked with for a week had a whole bit about exit signs. “We live in a country that will put up a sign letting you know your exit is in 2 miles. Then another one telling you that your exit is 1 mile. A half mile. A sign letting you know your exit is next. And then a sign telling you that *This* is your exit. SO WHY ARE YOU IN THE LEFT LANE?”

      Reply

  2. susielindau Says:

    In England, all directions on signs are really wordy. By the time you read to the bottom of it, we could all be dead.

    Reply

  3. Nurse Kelly Says:

    Well I guess you should be happy you got out of this confusing, frustrating experience safely and can now laugh about it. It’s sad that we even need all those signs to tell us what to do – and that someone else even thinks we need them! What’s happening to common sense?

    Reply

    • The Byronic Man Says:

      Whenever I see things like that, what always gets me is that it wouldn’t be there unless something happened that made people decide they had to.

      Reply

      • Nurse Kelly Says:

        Yep, changes put in place always come after a disaster or something else happens. Interesting point you bring up. And congrats on easing back into blogging between all of those diaper changes – can’t be easy!

        Reply

  4. rossmurray1 Says:

    “Warning: Coffee may be hot.”
    In other words, the reason is lawyers.

    Reply

  5. bethbyrnes Says:

    LOL! How droll, I loved this!

    Reply

  6. Jackie Cangro Says:

    Wasn’t there a comedian years ago who did a routine called “Here’s your sign”? Can’t think of his name, but I bet he’d have a field day with this one. 🙂

    Reply

  7. She's a Maineiac Says:

    OMG I hate acronyms! I love that the alarm “sounds like a horn”. If only it sounded like one of those clown horns it’d make running for your life so much more entertaining!

    Reply

    • The Byronic Man Says:

      I do too. Especially strained acronyms that make a word. SCUBA? Fine. NASA? Great. But when it’s TEAM: Together Everyone Achieves More! or the latest standardized test that they’ve spent weeks to make the name spell “Winner” or “Smart”? Gyugh.

      Reply

  8. lostteach2013 Says:

    OOOH. That’s what they’re for. I though they were for the parties they have in the hallway.

    On a serious note, I’m kinda not surprised. I’ve seen a lot as a teacher.

    Reply

  9. Elyse Says:

    Life is just getting more and more complicated, ain’t it?

    Reply

  10. Go Jules Go Says:

    You, Peggles, Darla all posted on the same morning. I think THAT’S a sign.

    I’m hoping you were staying in a hotel for a really cool reason, and not because YOUR house was on fire (again).

    Reply

    • The Byronic Man Says:

      Well, I thought so, because it was doing a seminar on 21st century literacy in LA, but then the hotel was ALSO having a convention for rock musicians… and I felt about 800% less cool at that point. “Oh sure, that’s a pretty ‘hep’ amplifier, but you know what else really ‘rocks’? Analyzing the the rhetorical construction of fast food ads! Heh! Right? Guys?”

      Reply

  11. belyew Says:

    only in america!

    Reply

  12. Lorna's Voice Says:

    I like the signs with no words, just pictures of what you should or shouldn’t do. Why trust literacy?

    Reply

  13. 1pointperspective Says:

    This noise you speak of: it’s loud, obnoxious and insistent? It might have been a fire alarm, but there’s a chance it was a cell phone ring tone. As for the flashing light, it’s noteworthy that strobes may cause seizure activity in some people. I wonder if there’s a separate alarm to pull when someone has a seizure.

    Reply

  14. silkpurseproductions Says:

    Indeed, the law has made it so that we must all be dealt with as if we are still in 3rd Grade. To be honest, this would be overkill even for a 3rd Grader…my apologies to them.

    Reply

  15. Paul G. Eberlein Says:

    Personally, I blame car alarms. Does anyone even pay attention when one of them goes off? Or are they just part of the “urban soundscape” that we all tune out? Maybe if the fire alarms actually set us on fire when there’s a fire somewhere else in the building, we might pay more attention. Incineration by proxy, so to speak…

    Reply

  16. Sandy Sue Says:

    And… he’s back.

    Reply

  17. Outlier Babe Says:

    Signs like those confuse me anew at each re-read: “Fire, Police, Medical Lift Handset”.

    Is it saying that the alarm doubles as a phone or walkie-talkie of some sort, to be used by the slightly-singed guest to contact emergency personnel?

    Or, is it intended to be read by those personnel, instructing them to lift a handset of some sort? Possibly not a phone, but CPR paddles? Is that device located inside the elevator, and this serves as a helpful reminder of that?

    I don’t mind signs, as long as their messages are unsmokily-unambiguous to those of us with hazy thoughts and cloudy thinking.

    Reply

  18. smithaw50 Says:

    Very funny, and unfortunately, it’s probably happened more than once.

    Reply

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