Ultimate Survival Guide: When Bad Ears Happen To Good Bees

September 3, 2013

Humor

“Get to a dark place as quickly as possible and try to lure the bee out of your ear with a single source of light like a flashlight… Never try to pull it out with your fingers.” – From “Tormented By A Bee In Your Ear,” Dangerous Situations, And How To Escape in One Piece, p.22.

Okay.  Hm.  Ummmm… Boy, I am really stuck, aren’t I?  Ha ha.  Let’s see.   Wow, I did not see this coming.  Nice tunnel, interesting wax, do a little exploring.  Maybe find some cool, new pollen cluster or something.  Be a hero.  Now this.  Okay… what if I… what if I push forward again?  Hhrrrrgh.  HHRRRRrrrrgh!  RRRRRRRRRRRRRGH!!!  AH AH AHHHH AHHHHHHH!  What’s happening?!  What’s happening?!  Something’s hitting the side of the tunnel!  Oh my God!  Something’s grabbing my butt!  Something’s grabbing my butt!  Should I sting it?!  Should I sting it!?  Should I sting it?!  Maybe I better–!  Wha… it stopped.  Did it?  Okay.  It stopped.

Now, see, that’s a hive! Tunnels go in, tunnels come out, and no hitting or anonymous bottom-grabbing. Like civilized bees.

Soooo… no on the forward.  Forward’s not working out.  Hello?  Anyone here?  Anyone?  I don’t understand how your hive works!  No one.  Ugh.  This is so embarrassing.  They all said it was a bad idea, but nooo, I had to go exploring.  Check out the weird little tunnel with the interesting wax in it.  Lot of hair too.  And now I’m stuck.    Everyone complains about hive thinking, but you know what?  Hive thinking never got a bee stuck in a dead-end tunnel, that’s what.  And now I’ll probably be some cautionary story.  Great.  “Don’t wander off on your own, or you’ll end up like Gary.  Oh, you don’t know the story of Gary the stupid bee who got stuck in the tunnel?”

Sigh.

Knock it off.  Think positive.  There’s a solution here.  It must, I mean… if the tunnel goes in, it must come out somewhere, right?  That’s just logical.  Am I getting fat?  Is that the — No, no; I’m not getting fat.  Who designed this hive?  Crazy bees?  Hm, speaking of which, I still don’t hear any other bees. That can’t be a good sign.  Okay, Gary, think.  Options.  Hm.  There’s pushing forward – no, wait, I just did that.  There’s… um… hmmm…

Yes, thank you, I can see the gunk in here much more clearly, but I could really use some help!

Ooh, what’s that?  What’s that light?  Hey, I can see a little bit.  Ew.  It is about nine kinds of gross in here.  Wait, is… is someone shining a light on me?  Hello?  Hello!?  Why are you shining a light at me?!  Is it a rescue?  Hello?!  I’M IN HERE!!

Nothing.  Light’s still there, though.  Oh no!  Am I dead?  Is that the tunnel of light?  Why is it behind me?  Hello?!  If you’re wanting me to go toward the light, you need to get in front of me!  If I’d backed in to this tunnel, you’re position might make more sense!  You know what I’m saying?  I don’t know what you want!  Oh my God, this is like a weird dream.   If I get home I’m never leaving the hive again.  Nuts to this.  “Gary, we’re going to collect pollen,” they’ll say, and I’ll be like, “Nah, you go ahead.  I’m gonna protect the queen.”  And then I’ll just go back to bed.  I will go right the hell back to bed.

I'm back, you guys! You won't believe what happened to me! What do you mean 'who am i?'? I'm Gary. Gary the bee. I am so!

I’m back, you guys! You won’t believe what happened to me! What do you mean ‘who am i?’? I’m Gary. Gary the bee. I am so!

Okay, you know what?  That light’s starting to get annoying.  But, wait… let’s think this through… if there’s a light behind me… it must be outside.  Right?  Maybe, maybe I can back up?  Worth a try.  MMmmmph!  Ugh.  Ow.  My wings are going to be feeling this in the morning.  MMMMMMMRRRRRRRGGHHH!

AHH!  Hahaa!  Ah, I’m free!  I’m out!  Thank you, big, giant light!  Ah, this is fantastic! I feel so alive and like there’s—Hey!  Who’s trying to swat me again?! What the hell, big, giant light?! Ahhhh!  Duck and weave, Gary!  Duck and weave!  Okay, here’s a nice flower.  Catch my breath.  Get it together, Gary.  It’s over.  Man, someday I’m going to  write some kind of survival guide, you know?  For these kinds of situations.  This is insane.

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About The Byronic Man

Recently voted "The Best Humor Blog in America That I, Personally, Write," The Byronic Man is sometimes fiction, sometimes autobiography. And sometimes cultural criticism. Oh, and occasionally reviews. Okay, it's all those different things, but always humorous. Except on the occasions that it's not. Ah, geez. Look, it's a lot of things, okay? You might like it, is the point.

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32 Comments on “Ultimate Survival Guide: When Bad Ears Happen To Good Bees”

  1. BrainRants Says:

    I never imagined being a bee would be so claustrophobic.

    Reply

  2. Hippie Cahier Says:

    This is a classic . . .Bee-man!

    Reply

  3. Exile on Pain Street Says:

    I knew a guy who grew up in a very bad part of town. One time, a cockroach crawled into his baby brother’s ear while he was lying in his crib. For real. He said it happens more often than you’d like to think.

    Reply

  4. speaker7 Says:

    I will bring up this post whenever anyone asks why I’m wearing earmuffs.

    Reply

  5. mistyslaws Says:

    Oh, thanks a lot. One more thing I need to worry about. Guess I need to start carrying around a giant flashlight now. As if my purse isn’t already heavy enough. Hmph!

    Reply

  6. Blogdramedy Says:

    I guess “in one ear and out the other” didn’t apply in this situation.

    Reply

  7. Lorna's Voice Says:

    You are so talented, B-Man. Channeling bees. Well, I suppose, given your pseudonym… 😉

    Reply

  8. Don't Quote Lily Says:

    It’s amazing how you can put yourself in anyone’s shoes. Even creatures that…don’t wear shoes…

    This was awesome. Every part except my ears highly enjoyed this.

    Reply

  9. susielindau Says:

    Boy, beware of the burrowing bees! I had heard of earwigs slipping into that dark place while sleeping, Urban legend?

    Reply

  10. Elyse Says:

    Bee careful where you go …

    Reply

  11. silkpurseproductions Says:

    Just thinking about Gary hanging out in my ear is giving me the heeby geebies. I’m thinking Speaker7 has the right idea with the ear muffs. My ears are buzzing!

    Reply

  12. Teepee12 Says:

    I read this out loud to my husband Garry … Huge. Just huge.

    Reply

  13. Tez Says:

    Ooooh! I got a real buzz reading this 🙂

    Reply

  14. 1pointperspective Says:

    One more thing those dead flashlights in the drawer aren’t good for. This is why the flashlight app on my phone is even better than the free sudoko one.

    Reply

  15. thefoodandwinehedonist Says:

    Good post, however it unfortunately reminded me of this – http://youtu.be/jbg5trtCR1s

    Reply

  16. pegoleg Says:

    Reminds me of the most terrifying Twilight Zone I ever saw about some creepy earwiggy creature that ate its way through some poor guy’s brain. He somehow survived the agony only to be told by the doctor that the creature was a female who appeared to have just given birth. AARRRRGGGGGHHHHH!

    Reply

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