“Get to a dark place as quickly as possible and try to lure the bee out of your ear with a single source of light like a flashlight… Never try to pull it out with your fingers.” – From “Tormented By A Bee In Your Ear,” Dangerous Situations, And How To Escape in One Piece, p.22.
Okay. Hm. Ummmm… Boy, I am really stuck, aren’t I? Ha ha. Let’s see. Wow, I did not see this coming. Nice tunnel, interesting wax, do a little exploring. Maybe find some cool, new pollen cluster or something. Be a hero. Now this. Okay… what if I… what if I push forward again? Hhrrrrgh. HHRRRRrrrrgh! RRRRRRRRRRRRRGH!!! AH AH AHHHH AHHHHHHH! What’s happening?! What’s happening?! Something’s hitting the side of the tunnel! Oh my God! Something’s grabbing my butt! Something’s grabbing my butt! Should I sting it?! Should I sting it!? Should I sting it?! Maybe I better–! Wha… it stopped. Did it? Okay. It stopped.
Soooo… no on the forward. Forward’s not working out. Hello? Anyone here? Anyone? I don’t understand how your hive works! No one. Ugh. This is so embarrassing. They all said it was a bad idea, but nooo, I had to go exploring. Check out the weird little tunnel with the interesting wax in it. Lot of hair too. And now I’m stuck. Everyone complains about hive thinking, but you know what? Hive thinking never got a bee stuck in a dead-end tunnel, that’s what. And now I’ll probably be some cautionary story. Great. “Don’t wander off on your own, or you’ll end up like Gary. Oh, you don’t know the story of Gary the stupid bee who got stuck in the tunnel?”
Sigh.
Knock it off. Think positive. There’s a solution here. It must, I mean… if the tunnel goes in, it must come out somewhere, right? That’s just logical. Am I getting fat? Is that the — No, no; I’m not getting fat. Who designed this hive? Crazy bees? Hm, speaking of which, I still don’t hear any other bees. That can’t be a good sign. Okay, Gary, think. Options. Hm. There’s pushing forward – no, wait, I just did that. There’s… um… hmmm…
Ooh, what’s that? What’s that light? Hey, I can see a little bit. Ew. It is about nine kinds of gross in here. Wait, is… is someone shining a light on me? Hello? Hello!? Why are you shining a light at me?! Is it a rescue? Hello?! I’M IN HERE!!
Nothing. Light’s still there, though. Oh no! Am I dead? Is that the tunnel of light? Why is it behind me? Hello?! If you’re wanting me to go toward the light, you need to get in front of me! If I’d backed in to this tunnel, you’re position might make more sense! You know what I’m saying? I don’t know what you want! Oh my God, this is like a weird dream. If I get home I’m never leaving the hive again. Nuts to this. “Gary, we’re going to collect pollen,” they’ll say, and I’ll be like, “Nah, you go ahead. I’m gonna protect the queen.” And then I’ll just go back to bed. I will go right the hell back to bed.
Okay, you know what? That light’s starting to get annoying. But, wait… let’s think this through… if there’s a light behind me… it must be outside. Right? Maybe, maybe I can back up? Worth a try. MMmmmph! Ugh. Ow. My wings are going to be feeling this in the morning. MMMMMMMRRRRRRRGGHHH!
AHH! Hahaa! Ah, I’m free! I’m out! Thank you, big, giant light! Ah, this is fantastic! I feel so alive and like there’s—Hey! Who’s trying to swat me again?! What the hell, big, giant light?! Ahhhh! Duck and weave, Gary! Duck and weave! Okay, here’s a nice flower. Catch my breath. Get it together, Gary. It’s over. Man, someday I’m going to write some kind of survival guide, you know? For these kinds of situations. This is insane.
The Byronic Man 
September 3, 2013 at 3:38 am
I never imagined being a bee would be so claustrophobic.
September 5, 2013 at 7:55 am
A lot of them are on medication and/or in group therapy.
September 3, 2013 at 3:45 am
This is a classic . . .Bee-man!
September 5, 2013 at 7:55 am
Pun!
September 3, 2013 at 4:10 am
I knew a guy who grew up in a very bad part of town. One time, a cockroach crawled into his baby brother’s ear while he was lying in his crib. For real. He said it happens more often than you’d like to think.
September 5, 2013 at 7:55 am
That’s why I had myself laminated.
September 3, 2013 at 4:38 am
I will bring up this post whenever anyone asks why I’m wearing earmuffs.
September 5, 2013 at 7:56 am
Yeah, when I read the original piece, all I could think was, “That’s happened??? Ever???”
September 3, 2013 at 5:47 am
Oh, thanks a lot. One more thing I need to worry about. Guess I need to start carrying around a giant flashlight now. As if my purse isn’t already heavy enough. Hmph!
September 5, 2013 at 7:57 am
Scientists are trying to genetically cross bees and fireflies, so they can light their own way out. Or they should, anyway.
September 3, 2013 at 6:13 am
I guess “in one ear and out the other” didn’t apply in this situation.
September 5, 2013 at 7:57 am
That would be a far, far gorier story if it did…
September 3, 2013 at 6:23 am
You are so talented, B-Man. Channeling bees. Well, I suppose, given your pseudonym… 😉
September 5, 2013 at 7:57 am
I suppose it was inevitable.
September 3, 2013 at 9:22 am
It’s amazing how you can put yourself in anyone’s shoes. Even creatures that…don’t wear shoes…
This was awesome. Every part except my ears highly enjoyed this.
September 5, 2013 at 7:58 am
They might wear shoes. You never know. Bees have surprisingly complex lives, and astute fashion beliefs.
September 3, 2013 at 9:49 am
Boy, beware of the burrowing bees! I had heard of earwigs slipping into that dark place while sleeping, Urban legend?
September 3, 2013 at 4:11 pm
Yes, Urban Legend. Check out the full story here:
http://www.snopes.com/horrors/insects/bugear.asp
September 5, 2013 at 7:58 am
I think the “ear” refers to ears of corn. Or that’s what they WANT you to think.
September 3, 2013 at 10:42 am
Bee careful where you go …
September 5, 2013 at 8:00 am
Ah, jeez; I suppose I was asking for it, wasn’t I…
September 5, 2013 at 10:55 am
Happy to help.
September 3, 2013 at 4:07 pm
Poor Gary!
September 3, 2013 at 5:44 pm
Just thinking about Gary hanging out in my ear is giving me the heeby geebies. I’m thinking Speaker7 has the right idea with the ear muffs. My ears are buzzing!
September 3, 2013 at 8:10 pm
I read this out loud to my husband Garry … Huge. Just huge.
September 3, 2013 at 10:50 pm
Ooooh! I got a real buzz reading this 🙂
September 4, 2013 at 3:49 am
One more thing those dead flashlights in the drawer aren’t good for. This is why the flashlight app on my phone is even better than the free sudoko one.
September 5, 2013 at 7:59 am
I just got one of those – then discovered I already have one. Know I have a back-up flashlight app. Because I’m pretty sure that’s how it works.
September 6, 2013 at 11:00 am
Good post, however it unfortunately reminded me of this – http://youtu.be/jbg5trtCR1s…
September 7, 2013 at 12:14 pm
Reminds me of the most terrifying Twilight Zone I ever saw about some creepy earwiggy creature that ate its way through some poor guy’s brain. He somehow survived the agony only to be told by the doctor that the creature was a female who appeared to have just given birth. AARRRRGGGGGHHHHH!
September 9, 2013 at 7:31 pm
Wasn’t that an episode of Rod Serling’s “Night Gallery” TV Series, called “Caterpillar”?
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0660818/
September 10, 2013 at 8:08 am
That’s right – Night Gallery. I couldn’t remember what the After Twilight Zone Clone was called.