8:12 am. Wake up. Get some breakfast. Check email. Hm. Internet appears to be down. Odd. Maybe the wireless modem got knocked over.
8:14am. Modem is simply not working. Why isn’t the modem working? Will call tech support.
8:17 am. “Mary” says the modem is broken and they have to ship another one. It’ll be here in a couple days. Until… I have no Internet. But… if I have no Internet… I can’t get on the Internet. Does “Mary” understand this? She does. She says she is very sorry. Well then, perhaps she could read me film reviews and the latest articles on The Onion to me, if she’s so “sorry.” Didn’t think so. I apologize. It was not my intention to snap at her. Will simply make do.
9:14am. Realization hits that my planned blog post about Jim Jarmusch’s best films probably won’t happen. Disappointment. Half of it written already. Could post it later, but what’s the point if it’s not his birthday anymore? Well, that was a big, fat waste of time, wasn’t it? I wonder how many people read my blog yesterday? Don’t know. What if it’s a lot? What if it’s none? What if I got Freshly Pressed and right now hundreds of people are interested in my blog but I’m not responding to their comments?! It could be happening RIGHT NOW.
All work and no Internet makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no Internet makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no Internet makes Jack a dull boy.
10:26am. Spouse suggests we do a little fall canoeing up at the lake. It’s sunny, but there’s some heavy clouds on the horizon. I wonder what the forecast is for today? Well, I have NO WAY OF KNOWING, DO I? WE COULD DIE IN A SQUALL! HOW, EXACTLY, ARE WE SUPPOSED TO GO CANOEING WITHOUT KNOWING THE WEATHER? OH, CHECK THE NEWSPAPER? HA! HA HA! DON’T MAKE ME LAUGH. WHY DON’T I JUST READ TEA LEAVES OR SCATTER CHICKEN BONES? I’m sorry. It’ll probably be fine. I don’t know what came over me.
2:30pm. Call tech support just to make sure they remembered to send out a new modem. They say I can track its shipping online. Do they think that’s funny?
5:04pm. Getting edgy. Wondering if people are trying to email me. Wonder how blog is doing.
5:20pm. Decide to go out for dinner. Try that new restaurant I’ve heard so much about. Don’t know address of restaurant. Fine. Lacking the will to go anywhere now, and uninspired to cook, so will eat mustard and almonds for dinner, apparently.
8:34pm. Computer is laughing at me.
Happier times. Before… before the red light came.
1:45am. Awoken by strange sensation. Something watching me? Red eyes glowing in the darkness? Just one. One red eye, unblinking in the blackness. Sauron? Close. It is the wireless modem, mocking me. It is telling me that this is my wife’s fault. She’s always hated the Internet. Been jealous of what the Internet and I have together. Could she have sabotaged the modem? Preposterous, I tell the glowing eye. She would never. Wouldn’t she, it asks? Wouldn’t she?
9:51am. Awoken from terrible dreams. Overslept. Lost a sense of time. Wonder what’s happening in the world. Check computer, just in case. Wait. Wait. AirPort says there’s another account in reach. ‘Debbie’s House 375.’ Password protected. Think. Think. “1234.” No. “Password.” No. “12345.” No. “Debbie.” No. DAMN YOU, DEBBIE! WHERE ARE YOU?? Maybe I’ll go door to door. Find Debbie. Teach her lesson about being neighborly and hoarding Internet.
10:20am. Someone suggests finding other things to do. Says that, as “they” say, when life hands you lemons, make lemonade. Wonder who originally said this phrase. Have no way of looking it up to find out. Instead find lemons and crush them with fists.
Get it? Get it? Because a ‘Girl Scout Research Institute’ sounds funny, right? So I’m doing, like, a parody… whatever. Like everything you write is so perfect.
2:47pm. Have taken to reading blog entries to pets. Cats uninterested. Dogs seem to enjoy it, though. Will have to remember to “like” dogs’ blogs if they decide to start one. Say “dogs’ blogs” several times and giggle.
4:35pm. Hope is fading. See no point. Have a feeling others are laughing at me. Emailing each other. Starting facebook threads. Leaving blog comments. All laughing at me. Plot revenge. Must get everyone. No! Hang in there! Will relax and get my mind on happier things by watching a little Breaking Bad online. Oh.
7:18pm. Decide to build own modem with toaster, telephone and Christmas lights.
8:33pm. New modem unsuccessful. Suspect sabotage by wife, who for some reason has locked herself in the bedroom all evening. Concerned for her sanity.
9:52pm. Efforts to write my own Internet by hand slow going. Will not be discouraged by naysayers like wife and know-it-all cats.
Give me second, I’m just finishing up this website about agriculture.
6:18am. Wife asks if I slept. She is displeased by the websites I have drawn on the walls. Asks what I’m doing. Asks if I am okay. I burst in to laughter for several minutes continuously to show that my spirits are excellent. Wife returns to bedroom and locks door. Very concerned for her. I decide to create Web MD page about mental illness, which I draw on the ceiling of the living room. I then consult page, which confirms that wife has gone insane. Barricade self against crazy wife with furniture, cinderblocks and pillows.
11:00am. New modem arrives. Hey, look! Internet back up! Yay! Wonder why wife looks so haggard and exhausted. A little relieved, though, as I suspect I, too, was starting to get a little edgy.
Photo credits:
- Image from The Shining, property of Warner Bros.
- “Verizon Wireless Modem.” From eHow.com, “How to Configure A Verizon Wireless Modem.”
- “Bored” by Plonq. Flickr.
- “Random Client Kid’s Drawing” by Chunker. Flickr.
The Byronic Man 
October 31, 2011 at 3:03 pm
Ok, I won’t tell you how I know this but 95% of people wifi setups are WEP and easy to crack with Kismet.
And these new fangled phones, they have net access now. Get one.
That said, I had some issues with DNS failures so I called Cox. They said I had an old modem. Yes I know. It still works. Well, that’s your problem. No it isn’t. It’s an RF device. Good for a while.
Suddenly DNS problem goes away. Uh huh. Blame it on customer equipment.
The biggest failure point in most electronics btw is the power supply. I’ve had two pieces of Netgear gear go tits up because the power supply went south.
November 1, 2011 at 10:34 am
I don’t go in for your fancy iPhones, or portable phones, or cordless phones. Telegraph was good enough for great grand-pappy, it’s good enough for me.
October 31, 2011 at 3:11 pm
Dude, this was truly inspired.
October 31, 2011 at 3:18 pm
And you shouldn’t have worried about the Freshly Pressed. I was holding that gem down, probably on my 12th consecutive day…
October 31, 2011 at 3:21 pm
Truly horrifying. I’m afraid I would have to talk to my husband (shudder)…and he, lacking access to his feed his 24 hour sports addiction, would probably wither away.
November 1, 2011 at 10:35 am
I know, can you imagine all the people we’d have to talk to? Neighbors, family, co-workers…
October 31, 2011 at 3:56 pm
This is insanely funny…uh, sorry about the use of “insanely”….I’ll just back away slowly now…..
November 1, 2011 at 10:41 am
Why would I care about “insanely”? I’m the most sane person anywhere! Would a sane person be able to hold their palm over an open flame for a full minute? NO! So watch this…!
October 31, 2011 at 5:12 pm
I got a call from a telemarketer with AT&T the other day. I SWEAR she said “This is Sarah Johnson.” Because there are so MANY Sarah Johnsons running about in New Delhi.
November 1, 2011 at 10:43 am
Isn’t it always tempting to say, “Hi, Sarah. This is Rajan Namboodiri”?
April 5, 2012 at 11:40 am
😆 may be next time you should i am sure some of the sarah johnsons will dissapear from Delhi, its real funny cos we call tech support and they try that with us too…
Rajan namboodiri..my god you know entire south India 😆
October 31, 2011 at 5:40 pm
Another perspective:
http://philstubbsquotes.wordpress.com/2011/10/31/the-problem-with-the-internet-it-prevents-us-from-boredom-and-all-its-many-advantages/
November 1, 2011 at 10:44 am
Nice. Thanks.
November 1, 2011 at 3:00 am
The call centre operatives have training sessions on how to speak to different nationalities with various phrases to use. In England we always get a line about the weather being nice when I’m sure it’s monsoon season over there. I imagine they are hanging off the telephone pole as the street is washed away below them.
November 1, 2011 at 10:46 am
That seems like a crapshoot, suggesting that the weather is nice in England. Also, it’d be fun to hear someone in a thick accent saying that it’s a “real pea-souper.”
November 1, 2011 at 3:14 am
This was hysterical and frightening. But I can laugh about it now.You basically described my entire weekend. I wish I had thought of using a toaster and Christmas lights to MacGyver a modem! We were without cable TV, internet and a phone for 48 hours. It felt like we were camping. No Patriots game. I came so close to becoming delirious. My blog was my main concern. Finally, I got back on and realized, my blog is still there…and nothing had happened, it didn’t blow up.
November 1, 2011 at 10:46 am
It’s almost disappointing not to be flooded with concerned messages from bloggers.
November 1, 2011 at 7:05 am
This is one of my all time favorite posts of yours, and believe me when I tell you that’s saying something! Actual laugh out loud moments. Well done.
(And, because I just can’t stop my inner editor . . . the highlight of the piece is:
“Call tech support just to make sure they remembered to send out a new modem. They say I can track its shipping online. Do they think that’s funny?”)
I’m a little surprised you didn’t think to call Al Gore. I’m sure he could have walked you though whipping up an alternate internet.
November 1, 2011 at 10:48 am
Thanks, that’s very nice of you to say.
And for some reason, Gore has started blocking my calls.
November 1, 2011 at 9:08 am
This is exactly why I keep a backup modem in my desk drawer along with the extra keyboards, mice, and batteries. You know, the desk my backup computer occupies.
November 1, 2011 at 10:49 am
You don’t have a back-up desk?? You’re playing with fire on a tightrope!
November 1, 2011 at 9:34 am
I lived without internet at my home since…oh, forever til a few months ago. That wouldn’t have been so bad if the nearest internet cafe had been closer than 30 miles from home. I’m in no way exaggerating.
Now, that I pay for capped-broadband for $120/ month, I can’t say I’m happy but it is nice to pretend I’m a real person.
November 1, 2011 at 10:50 am
Wow, that’s steep. Is it because you’re rural?
November 1, 2011 at 1:27 pm
I burst out laughing when you said, “what if we die in a squall,” a valid concern while canoeing on a lake…how did the Web MD webpage on the ceiling go over? The visual is amazing…ok, fine, I will subscribe.
November 1, 2011 at 1:50 pm
Web MD page is fantastic, as long as you don’t need it for more than one thing. I may have to make a second page for “neck aches” if I’m going to put it all on the ceiling.
Thanks for subscribing!
November 2, 2011 at 3:27 am
I don’t know how you’re this funny, seriously.
November 2, 2011 at 2:36 pm
I could have used you at my place this weekend to teach my kids how to draw websites.
November 2, 2011 at 6:58 pm
I also do balloon websites! But they’re 33% less crazy.
November 2, 2011 at 6:46 pm
All work and no play makes Byron a dull boy. And good call regarding concerned bloggers… I mean, skip a few days of posting and a concerned fan will comment. Skip a few days of work and they just shut down your database access without even calling your emergency contact. What’s this world coming to?
November 2, 2011 at 8:03 pm
These technology breakdown days are the worst. What did we caevemen do before the Internet?
November 2, 2011 at 8:28 pm
Horrors. Came across you via, like, half the bloggers I read and immediately identified with your nightmare in stop-animation. By 6:18pm the Day After, you were turning into a modern-day Mozart, just madly scribbling misunderstood brilliance all over the place. No one understands you. I know.
November 3, 2011 at 6:17 am
Someday history will vindicate the hand-drawn Internet.
November 3, 2011 at 8:09 am
I am the last man on earth without a cell phone. As we speak there are young, heavily armed men in Somalia who have not eaten a square meal in weeks, but have a cell phone. I find cell phone and texting ettiquette absolutely horrifying. Yet somehow I know, this is exactly how I will act when I eventually cave and get a cell and it wont work for me. I will almost certainly yell into a dead cell phone “Can you hear me now?”
November 4, 2011 at 12:27 pm
Buying a back-up modem has just moved up to number one on my to-do list. Yes, you scared me that much. 🙂
November 4, 2011 at 12:31 pm
Didn’t mean to over-terrify. Just a little sleeplessness.
November 4, 2011 at 3:26 pm
Hey! Guess what?! You’re my 1,000th commenter! DING DING DING DING *Balloons and streamers*
I don’t know what that means, but yay you!
November 5, 2011 at 9:36 am
Oh, am I ever feeling this after my power-less week! The internet! Isn’t she beautiful?
“You can track your package online.” GRRR!! I’ll tell you what they can track… (I don’t have the rest of that threat figured out yet.)
I missed my Byronic Man laughs. Dogs’ blogs. Heh heh heh…
March 8, 2012 at 6:32 am
This was great, reminded me of a time that we lost the remote to our TV and had to change channels with our smartphones with no control of the volume like we were pioneers or something.
May 15, 2012 at 11:03 am
Thank you for sharing this story of survival. This just happened at my office, it was like the tragedy of the Donner party but without actually eating people.
http://somethingfathappened.wordpress.com/2012/05/11/that-was-scary/
Love yer blog!
June 16, 2012 at 11:43 pm
I’ve been enjoying your site so I’m nominating you for the Illuminating Blogger Award for informative, illuminating blog content. I know not everyone participates in blog awards but I hope you’ll at least check it out because it’s a great way to discover new blogs and meet new web friends. If you’re interested in participating, you can check out the details at my site … http://foodstoriesblog.com/illuminating-blogger-award/ … Either way, hope you’re having a great day!
June 17, 2012 at 7:58 am
I agree that they’re a great way to find new people. And I always like winning things!
Thanks for thinking of me.
June 17, 2012 at 10:28 am
You’re so welcome and so deserving … I’ve been back to your “unfollow” post three times b/c it’s so funny 🙂
June 17, 2012 at 6:09 am
I’m glad you have the internet now. Was beginning to worry that you were going mad…:)
June 22, 2012 at 12:55 am
Ok, ok. You convinced me to start following you. You didn’t have to try so hard.
By the way, you know when it is great to have no internet? When you have clients or a boss. It is especially great when you work in an office, and the internet goes down and you can blame it all on your IT team or the cable company. Then you can finally have a break for a day or two from clients who insist that their emails get answered immediately, or that the design changes they have just sent by email today should be incorporated into the shipment that is going out to them tonight.
November 30, 2012 at 9:48 am
The joy of going back through people’s posts is finding gems like this. I was just receiving some strange stares in the office when I burst into gales of laughter over you creating your own modem with a toaster, telephone and Christmas lights. Brilliant!!
November 30, 2012 at 1:45 pm
Thanks – this is one of my personal favorites. Also, it got published in Funny Times, so it has a special place in my heart for that, too.
December 16, 2012 at 9:58 am
I loved and enjoyed reading this piece of your heart it’s hilarious and genuine Im sure everyone read or is going to read this will identify with it =) I did =)
December 18, 2012 at 8:45 am
You’re welcome =)
December 18, 2012 at 8:48 am
It hurts too when you leave a comment but the landlord doesn’t say anything it’s like it’s useless or worthless =(
December 24, 2012 at 5:20 am
You are freaking hilarious! I love your humor !!!! 😀
December 24, 2012 at 6:43 am
Thanks. This is one of my personal favorites.
September 2, 2014 at 4:31 pm
This is brilliant! 😛 As a victim of an unpredictable and unreliable internet provider, I can completely empathise! Most amusing post I’ve read all day 😛 xx
March 13, 2015 at 4:36 pm
“They say I can track its shipping online. Do they think that’s funny?” Brilliant. Will laugh over this for days.
April 6, 2015 at 9:53 am
Thanks for saying so. This is one of my personal favorite posts.
September 9, 2015 at 11:29 am
Pfft. If I were in your shoes, I’d have been saved by phone internet. Mobile internet. xDDD
My phone may not be smart, but my simcard hosts tiny little ants called Internet connection. Okay, this makes no sense.