“…There shall be no use of illegal drugs on the premises by the lessee, or associates of the lessee, subject to immediate nullification of the rental contract…” – clause in standard rental agreements* Scenario 1: Landlord: And in here you’ll see the main room. Fireplace works, we just ask that you get the chimney cleaned once a year. Ceiling fan controls are over here.
Oh, sweetie, great job! I’ll bet almost no light or air will get in at all!
Woman: This is beautiful. Oh, honey, won’t those big windows look great with sheets of plywood nailed up over them? Landlord: Excuse me? Man: I was thinking the same thing! And this corner, I think, would be perfect for defecating in. Woman: Do you happen to know how many soiled mattresses and filthy sleeping bags will fit in the bedroom? Landlord: What? How should I—what exactly are you planning to do to this place? Man: Crack-house. Woman: I wanted an opium den but… Landlord: Whoa, whoa, whoa – check the rental agreement. Man: mumble mumble mumble subletting mumble mumble no illegal drugs?! Woman: Damn! Well, honey let’s move on. Landlord: Crisis? Averted.
*
Scenario 2: Renter: Well, this place looks just perfect! This second bedroom, with the good, old-fashioned thick walls? Love it. Landlord: Now, just so you know, there’s no illegal drugs allowed.
And hey, your apartment complex might get to be on TV!
*
Scenario 3:
Say hello to my Inferior Quality Rental Agreement!
*
Scenario 4: Landlord: Are you doing illegal drugs in here? Deadbeat Renter: No. Landlord: Really? Deadbeat Renter: No. Landlord: Really? Deadbeat Renter: … Yes. Landlord: A-ha! You’re out of here! Reverend, looks like we’ve got a place for those orphans, after all! Orphans: Yay!*
No, don’t thank me. Thank… The Rental Agreement.
The Byronic Man 
June 5, 2012 at 3:19 am
Damn you creative genius! The rest of us have been reading these kinds of clauses for years and seeing nothing but legalese – you see the same thing and spin it into blog gold.
Well…enough whining, I’m off to the methadone clinic.
June 6, 2012 at 10:05 am
Actually, I had the idea for the post, then worked tirelessly for years to make the clause standard in rental contracts. This blog is the culmination of years upon years of advanced planning. Any time you see something bizarre in entertainment or bureaucracy? Odds are it’s me, setting up a joke.
June 6, 2012 at 1:17 pm
So…creative genius with the work ethic of Horatio Alger. I stand corrected. For the record, I’m looking forward to your piece on cell phone service agreements.
June 6, 2012 at 2:43 pm
Sure to be epic.
June 5, 2012 at 3:27 am
My goodness you are so right( always are)
and you know what, my landlord didnt cover the serial kiiling part,if only he read it 😆
cos get this… he never ever thought anyone who would be paying so much rent would be killing someone..
where do you think i get all that money to pay this stupidly insane rent from haan!!!! ^-^
June 6, 2012 at 10:05 am
Really, it makes sense. Who but skilled assassins can afford a nice place?
June 5, 2012 at 4:25 am
“If the law says that then the law is an ass!” Mr Bumble, Oliver Twist in response to being told he is responsible for his wife’s crimes under law. Mr Bumble says it all for me in terms of laws in that there is a massive difference between law and justice. Great post. Made me laugh and made me think.
June 6, 2012 at 10:06 am
Reminds me of the Nixon quote I always assumed was made up about how the president can’t break the law because if the president does it, it’s not illegal.
June 5, 2012 at 6:44 am
I will have to pay more attention to my rental agreements. My biggest concern was that I was allowed to have a dog. I don’t even have a dog, but I wanted to be allowed to have one.
June 6, 2012 at 10:07 am
That’s reason I always make sure there’s nothing in the contract about not allowing 100 monkeys chained to typewriters. Just in case.
June 5, 2012 at 6:45 am
First cuppa and this, thank you thank you.
June 6, 2012 at 10:07 am
I’m glad the drink came first.
June 5, 2012 at 7:21 am
I always skip to “sign here” and look at all the fun I have been missing!
Funny, funny~!
June 5, 2012 at 7:43 am
I thought the number one reason we bought a house was to finally get a dog, but look at all of the drugs and murdering we’ve been missing out on! And we have so many places to store the bodies. No one look in the barn, okay?
June 5, 2012 at 10:00 am
I knew it, Jules. I’m onto you. A barn is always a very suspicious thing to own…(we have a small tool shed, but not quite big enough for that many bodies…)
June 6, 2012 at 10:08 am
Although what’s the fun of murder, drugs and arson if you don’t have a dog to share it with?
June 6, 2012 at 10:22 am
And now it turns out Jules has a pool so she can sink the bodies down with cement overshoes.
June 5, 2012 at 8:23 am
Wait a minute here…I thought you said I could use this idea! (mumble, mumble, mumble)
June 6, 2012 at 10:08 am
I just took one teeny, tiny little clause. The rest is all yours!
June 5, 2012 at 8:44 am
If I ever have to BUY a house (saints preserve us from leasing), I’ll be screwed. I don’t mind rent and I don’t mind squatting but too much fine print well…did I mention I can’t see out of my new glasses? They just don’t see strong enough at this age.
June 6, 2012 at 10:09 am
That’s the trouble with those kinds of contracts – you can’t catch everything, they know you can’t catch everything, they know you know they know you can’t catch everything… You need a lawyer to look over the shoulder of the lawyer reviewing the contract.
June 5, 2012 at 9:25 am
We rented for a year in Philly & had hookers for neighbors. Ok, it was a nice complex, so I guess they were “Escorts”. But apparently didnt violate the lease.
June 6, 2012 at 10:11 am
Maybe people have to take the same approach with drugs they do with being an “escort.” “Oh, I don’t deal the drugs, I just let them look at them for a while. If people choose to misuse the drugs, that’s out of my control.”
June 5, 2012 at 9:55 am
How about Scenario 6:
Landlord: You’re a writer?
Renter: Yep.
Landlord: Sell anything?
Renter: Not yet. Got a killer idea, though. A giant cockroach takes over a house and uses the neighborhood to hunt people.
Landlord: Does it damage the houses?
June 6, 2012 at 10:11 am
This cockroach doesn’t try to paint any of the walls, does it?
June 5, 2012 at 10:04 am
How do you come up with this stuff?
Seriously? How? Did you sell your soul to the devil?
If you don’t mind, just email me a bunch of ideas for blog posts that you have laying around. Thanks.
By the way, I know that I would’ve liked Scarface so much better if he had yelled out your line instead.
June 6, 2012 at 10:13 am
I would actually very much enjoy an added scene of Scarface’s landlord. “Aw, come on! I just put in this carpet! Now there’s dirt and cocaine and bodies all over it! And don’t think you can just fill in those bullet-holes with toothpaste and I won’t notice, mister!”
June 6, 2012 at 10:59 am
Haha!
June 5, 2012 at 10:46 am
This is just brilliant! Who knew rental agreements could be so entertaining?
June 6, 2012 at 10:13 am
What’s more fun than legalese and contract fine-print?
June 5, 2012 at 12:57 pm
Here is another scenario: I recently watched a legal program in which a fictional landlord wanted to evict a tenant who was a major Neo-Nazi skinhead and who was publishing a newsletter in his field of interest, decorating with swastikas and just generally being a scary and offensive uberracist. Nothing in the rental agreement about that, so no grounds for eviction.
I am guessing this is happening out there in reality somewhere, right now.
June 6, 2012 at 10:14 am
I’m sure it is. I think being a landlord would be endlessly frustrating – something like that damages the viability of your property but too bad.
June 5, 2012 at 7:51 pm
I love anyone who can make me smile about contracts, versus (for example) getting all Hulked out over the thought of ’em. 🙂
Now if only I were smiling from a less skeezy apartment. Hmm!
June 6, 2012 at 10:15 am
Maybe they could start throwing jokes in to contracts. People would read them more closely.
June 5, 2012 at 8:06 pm
You have a pretty lenient landlord. My lease has a 2-page Criminal Activity Rider.
June 6, 2012 at 10:15 am
Wow. They couldn’t just say “No crime”? They had to list them all?
June 6, 2012 at 10:21 am
That’s basically what it said, but it took them 2 pages.
June 6, 2012 at 1:03 pm
I’m gonna go the other way with this and build an empire by including “Lessee must actively sell illegal drugs and maintain a stable of hookers within the residence at all time. 70% of all revenue generated from said activities must be paid to the lessor (me) as rent on the first of every month. Lessee must achieve an average quota of $10,000 per square foot (including garage) net per month. Upon legal problems, Lessee shall always refer to the lessor as “I dunno”. If Lessee fails to comply with all terms within, then they will eat a bullet. Capiche? Sign here.”
June 6, 2012 at 10:20 pm
Our lease is up the end of the month & we’re probably going to move shortly, so I guess I better watch for those clauses in my next lease.
June 13, 2012 at 4:20 am
Good tenants insist upon regular leasehold improvements which eat up all the profits; bad tenants wreck the place so it needs major repairs which eat up all the profits.
Either way, the landlord is always totally f*cked!
January 9, 2013 at 2:33 pm
Heyy! You’ve been nominated for the Very inspiring blogger award! You’re worth it! Keep up the good work!
Details :
http://glitterglamourfun.wordpress.com/2013/01/09/inspiring-people-around-the-world/
April 17, 2015 at 7:01 pm
Yay! Society!
Landlord regrets?