Dear Valued Mortgage Holder:
We are very pleased to inform you that we are currently in the process of merging with another bank. This will offer many exciting, new possibilities for the future.
First off, thanks for saying I’m valued. I don’t want to make this weird, but I’ve been feeling pretty unappreciated lately, and just hearing that I’m valued by a bank like you means a lot. But secondly, you’re pleased!? This is awesome! If you’re half as pumped about this merger as I am, then you must be freaking out. Just freaking right the fuck out. My heart’s pounding in my chest! Who’s the merger with? Is it with… no, I don’t want to say. Don’t want to jinx it.
We will be merging with First American Trust Flag Pride America Bank.
Are you shitting me? Are you shitting me?! Just the other day some co-workers and I were setting up our Fantasy Mortgage Merger league brackets, and I was like, “Oh sure, maybe in some crazy utopia my bank and FATFPA would merge.” What’s next? Donuts raining from the sky??
By combining our two institutions, we will be more secure, and be able to provide more services, than ever before.
Seriously, I kind of have to pee just thinking about it. It’s like the infinite future opening up before me. I mean, I thought it was enough that you, you know, process my mortgage payment. Maybe have a website. I try to think about other services and I kind of freeze up. I guess you can, to paraphrase Casablanca, ‘do the thinking for both of us.’
This merger should have no effect on your monthly payments for the foreseeable future.
Say whaaaaat?? What are you guys, wizards? How is that possible!? And, I think you’re being modest: Right now my money’s just staying right here in my community – earned here, spent here, invested here. Ho-hum. Now it’s going all the way across the country! I feel like such a jet-setter! “No effect” – oh, you guys. And I can only assume by “foreseeable future” you mean “ever”, right?
We thank you for your continued confidence in us.
Now you’re embarrassing me. Come on. Don’t thank me – you’re a giant bank. You’ve earned my – indeed, the country’s – trust.
The Byronic Man 
April 28, 2014 at 4:09 am
Wow, such an exciting time for you! Your quality of life just went up because of the bank merger!
April 28, 2014 at 7:55 am
Corporate hegemony is ALWAYS good for the little guy.
April 28, 2014 at 4:11 am
I thought I was the only one who got excited when those letters come in the mail. Do you also love it when your locally run bank gets bought out by Wells Fargo and they start sending all correspondence to your parents’ address under the name you had two last names ago? That. Is. Awesome.
April 28, 2014 at 7:57 am
I enjoy the changing due dates for payment. Especially when the new bank makes the deadline something like the 27th of the month, so that when you pay bills on the beginning of the new month – like, oh, EVERYONE – it’s already late.
April 28, 2014 at 4:25 am
Oh don’t worry, they won’t sell your mortgage a few times after the merger. And I’m SURE they won’t not make your tax pmts. an OF COURSE they’ll tell you about it in the unlikely event they don’t pay. That stuff only happens to food and wine bloggers.
April 28, 2014 at 7:58 am
It would really help if they’d send a letter saying, “Your loan has been bought buy Bank X. And Bank X hates your guts.”
April 28, 2014 at 5:33 am
Yes, I nearly wept with joy when my bank told me “exciting account changes are coming.” I assume they’re going to give me money, since that’s the only thing that could excite me.
April 28, 2014 at 7:59 am
I’m sure they’d be happy to send you money… and then tax it, and charge interest, and require a massive balloon payment, and…
April 28, 2014 at 5:48 am
Damn, you have all the luck. I wish I had a jet-setting mortgage. Instead I belong to the local credit union and just recently discovered the word ‘credit’ does not actually mean money is being continuously deposited into my account.
April 28, 2014 at 7:59 am
It also means they go on strike if you try to withdraw any money.
April 28, 2014 at 5:59 am
You live the most glamorous life! I can’t believe how fortunate your are to receive such amazing news. I want to be your when I grow up, B.
April 28, 2014 at 8:00 am
That’s nothing – I also may have already won a sweepstakes AND got a check for a free cruise if I attend a 90-minute seminar and pay taxes and “handling fees”.
April 28, 2014 at 6:36 am
Why am I so impressed? You got a letter. A real honest to goodness, came in the mail letter. This merger can only mean good things when they actually use the postal service.
April 28, 2014 at 8:02 am
We’ll see if on my next statement there’s a couple extra lines for “stationary – $12.45” and “postage – $8.50”.
April 28, 2014 at 8:39 am
I’ve had three different mortgage holders in 7 years. I keep hoping I will fall through the cracks one of these days!
April 28, 2014 at 10:49 am
Yeah, my company just merged. I know how you feel. I think the corporate big wigs must have cribbed the letter from your bank.
“Dear Valued Employee…”
April 28, 2014 at 12:11 pm
In twenty years I’ve lost ten banks. One being eaten by a larger one. I’m still valued but the keep telling me how personal they are.
April 28, 2014 at 12:29 pm
This happened to me twenty years ago. Can you say, ‘heebie-jeebies’? I sold the house not long after and switched banks.
April 28, 2014 at 2:46 pm
So how many times did you have to change your pants from peeing them while reading that letter?
The first time I went to check my student loan balance and it said $0, I almost died of happiness thinking someone magically paid it all off for me. Maybe I have a rich uncle who wishes to remain anonymous?…then I realized, nope, someone else just took over the “management” of it….wha wha whaaaaaaaa.
April 28, 2014 at 4:44 pm
Nailed it. To the coffin lid.
April 28, 2014 at 5:42 pm
I’m a little surprised by your enthusiasm, but only because I thought you had a keener wizard detector. This letter clearly came from the goblins at Gringotts.
April 28, 2014 at 7:42 pm
You’re a merger virgin.
Is bigger really better?
*wink*
April 29, 2014 at 12:38 am
I kinda have a pee whenever I go into my bank. I hear Bank Merger futures in Depends are on the rise.
April 29, 2014 at 4:46 pm
Brilliant!
April 30, 2014 at 6:31 pm
I can’t wait until the United States is just one happy company, can you?
May 2, 2014 at 5:24 am
I loved your article and found it very entertaining. Definitely gave it a ‘like.’ If you want to read another blog full of silliness, try Begoodorbgoodatit.com
May 2, 2014 at 10:35 pm
I really, really don’t want to think about what the people who write those letters get paid.