I’ve decided that the courts need to not only allow, but perhaps even mandate, brains to marry one another. Why? Because of smoke alarm batteries. That isn’t clear? Oh. Let me explain. The other night, right about 3am, a battery in one of our smoke alarms went out. So, of course, it began its beeping, […]
May 4, 2015
For the school where I work, this past weekend was prom – that magical night when a girl’s dreams come true. Assuming her dreams involve trying to walk in 5-inch heels, not eating your expensive dinner because the dress is too tight, and then listening to deafening music with a guy who thinks he’s the […]
April 27, 2015
May my children have the strength to forgive those who treat them poorly. And may those who treat them poorly be granted understanding of their actions. And then may that understanding make them be driven blind with grief, and plunge them into insanity and despair forever. May my children have the skill and good fortune […]
April 20, 2015
I managed to find the tiny gravel fire-road in the middle of the woods where we were going to be filming the first shots for a commercial I’d been cast in. How the location scouts had found these roads to begin with, I had no idea. I drove down and found the crew setting up. […]
April 13, 2015
Sign posted in a hotel I stayed at recently: “HEY!” “WHAT?” “DO YOU SEE THAT RED THING ON THE WALL?” “THE THING THAT’S FLASHING?” “YEAH, WITH THE PIERCING HORN BLASTS COMING OUT OF IT. WHAT DO YOU THINK THAT IS?” “I DON’T KNOW. IS IT FOR PAGING SOMEONE?” “WELL, IT SAYS ‘FIRE’ ON IT.” “RIGHT, […]
April 6, 2015
I have returned! Yes, I have awoken from a long, dormant slumber, like… like… shoot. Surely there must be some analogy appropriate to the moment for emerging with new life after a season of cold silence… hm. I’ve returned like a thing that wakes up as symbolism for rejuvenation. A bear? Muhammed Ali in the “rope-a-dope” […]
December 1, 2014
It will be a great day when schools have all the funding they need, and the military has to hold a bake sale to buy a new bomber. – bumper sticker. Excuse me, sir? Sir? Would you be interested in some shortbread? Lemon bar? The lemon bars are fresh, sir; why, private Williams here got them […]
November 10, 2014
Hey! Hi! It’s me! I’m here! Now, you might be trying to remember who I am, or you might be saying, “Dude, it’s been, like, 2 months since you’ve posted.” And, first off, you’re calling me ‘dude’? But secondly, that may be the case – I would not know, since I have become spiritually enlightened […]
July 28, 2014
This is a recent, and real, posting on Craigslist, here where I live. I’ve kept it exactly as is, except for removing information which might reveal identity or contact information: In need of a time travel companion (please take this seriously) I have a functioning time machine I know it sounds unbelievable, but “I assure […]
July 15, 2014
When I found Bailey at the pound, he was so malnourished that the Humane Society mis-identified him as a hound dog – just a depressed pile of bones and droopy skin. He could only walk about 15 feet at a time before he’d need to stop and rest for a moment. Then, as we fed […]
July 1, 2014
Well, the fourth of July is coming up, and you know what that means: that on Friday people all over these United States will only have five more days until my birthday! But it’s also Independence Day. And whether you’re planning a get-together or just wanting to enjoy the fireworks with friends and family, there are […]
May 11, 2015
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