June 15, 2015

41 Comments

Bonus question: Have you ever wondered how you'd do on the Voight-Kampff test?

Have You Seen Too many Movies?

A co-worker tells you he’s 3 days from retirement. Your first thought is “Wish I was retiring” “Hm, wonder who’ll replace him? “You’re totally a dead man.” You go to unlock a door – car door, apartment, whatever. As you reach for the lock, you drop your keys at the last second. As you bend […]

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June 8, 2015

21 Comments

If The English Language Had Been Created As A School Assignment

First off, this is very thorough.  Great job – you’ve got everything here a language needs to be not only functional, but allow for nuance, tone, even connotation. I do have some concerns, though. The first is there seem to be some important words missing.  Example: There’s an entire entertainment industry built off of enjoying […]

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June 1, 2015

44 Comments

Won’t Get Fooled Again. Except When I Will.

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times, oops. Duh. Right. Fool me four times, and it’s possible I’m kind of in to it. Fool me five times, shame on my friends. Fool me six times, it’s possible I need professional help. Fool me seven times, shame […]

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May 25, 2015

15 Comments

Please Hire Me To Be Your Movie Superhero

Wow, all these superhero movies. They’re everywhere aren’t they? And they just keep being wildly popular. But these superhero movies… they’re lacking something… a certain je ne sais quoi… well, actually, I do sais quoi: they’re lacking me! Yes, the time has come for a Byronic Man superhero movie. And not just because the name […]

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May 18, 2015

30 Comments

35 Years Ago, Mt. St. Helens Opened An Awe-Inspring, Majestic Can Of Whoop-Ass On Us

Most of the damage appears to be at the front of the vehicle, indicating - Mr. Wykes - that you ran in to the volcano.  Not the other way around, as you would have us believe.

Today marks the 35-year anniversary of the eruption of Mt. St. Helens, in southern Washington State.  What follows is a chronology of some of the more note-worthy moments: July 9, 38,000 BC – Mount St. Helens forms, beginning a devious plot to erupt and destroy the area towns. August 15, 1979 – As per the […]

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May 11, 2015

35 Comments

I Now Pronounce You ‘Brain & Brain.’

Your reign of terror is over, Smoke Alarm!  ...Do you smell smoke?

I’ve decided that the courts need to not only allow, but perhaps even mandate, brains to marry one another. Why? Because of smoke alarm batteries. That isn’t clear? Oh. Let me explain. The other night, right about 3am, a battery in one of our smoke alarms went out. So, of course, it began its beeping, […]

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May 4, 2015

35 Comments

Ah, Good Evening, Monsieur. May I Park Your Horrible Piece of Crap?

BCT1100OR-zoom

For the school where I work, this past weekend was prom – that magical night when a girl’s dreams come true.  Assuming her dreams involve trying to walk in 5-inch heels, not eating your expensive dinner because the dress is too tight, and then listening to deafening music with a guy who thinks he’s the […]

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April 27, 2015

33 Comments

A Father’s Wish For His Children

And you know what?  You got ants and allergies and sunburn to worry about... maybe stick with the other one.

May my children have the strength to forgive those who treat them poorly. And may those who treat them poorly be granted understanding of their actions. And then may that understanding make them be driven blind with grief, and plunge them into insanity and despair forever. May my children have the skill and good fortune […]

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April 20, 2015

34 Comments

Acting: It’s As Easy As Falling Off A Cliff In $1000 Shoes!

The poster for my new movie, a mash-up of Wolf of Wall Street and The Lord of the Rings

I managed to find the tiny gravel fire-road in the middle of the woods where we were going to be filming the first shots for a commercial I’d been cast in. How the location scouts had found these roads to begin with, I had no idea. I drove down and found the crew setting up. […]

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April 13, 2015

40 Comments

What The World Needs Now, Is Signs, More Signs.

IMG_0120

Sign posted in a hotel I stayed at recently: “HEY!” “WHAT?” “DO YOU SEE THAT RED THING ON THE WALL?” “THE THING THAT’S FLASHING?” “YEAH, WITH THE PIERCING HORN BLASTS COMING OUT OF IT. WHAT DO YOU THINK THAT IS?” “I DON’T KNOW. IS IT FOR PAGING SOMEONE?” “WELL, IT SAYS ‘FIRE’ ON IT.” “RIGHT, […]

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April 6, 2015

64 Comments

*Note To Self: Think Of Hilarious, Poignant Title About “Reawakening”

I have returned! Yes, I have awoken from a long, dormant slumber, like… like… shoot. Surely there must be some analogy appropriate to the moment for emerging with new life after a season of cold silence… hm.  I’ve returned like a thing that wakes up as symbolism for rejuvenation.  A bear?  Muhammed Ali in the “rope-a-dope” […]

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