April 14, 2014

37 Comments

Poor Paul Rudd.  Poor, poor, poor Paul Rudd...

Please Hire Me To Be Your Late Night Talk Show Host

Whoooaa, now!  Letterman announces his retirement, opening the doors to months of giving our lives meaning by arguing endlessly over who should take over and you just, just, just… name someone?  That’s just mean!  And are you sure you’ve given this enough thought?  And, NBC, on a scale of 1-to-10, how committed are you to […]

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March 18, 2014

29 Comments

It’s Like I’m Blogging Right In Your Face!

I was in a show recently of performers from the region telling stories from their lives. I did one some time back, and wrote about that show here, and the organizer was nice enough to have me back for round two; this time was equally dramatic on stage, less dramatic off stage, so that was […]

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March 3, 2014

16 Comments

The Thin Triplicate Line Between Society & Chaos

Say hello to my little 3-year lease!

“…There shall be no use of illegal drugs on the premises by the lessee, or associates of the lessee, subject to immediate nullification of the rental contract…” – clause in standard rental agreements * Scenario 1: Landlord: And in here you’ll see the main room.  Fireplace works, we just ask that you get the chimney […]

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February 24, 2014

64 Comments

History’s Greatest People: They’re All Awful

Yes, that is a single tear running down statue-Cobain's cheek.  It's meant to represent the kind of maudlin, faux- sentimentality that showed up in his music never.

On Friday, the city of Aberdeen, Washington announced “Kurt Cobain Day” and unveiled a statue of the deceased rock legend.  The mayor hopes this will make Aberdeen “the next Graceland,” and I think there’s about a 100% chance of that coming true. What was really amazing, though, was TV’s King 5 news’ hugely snide, sarcastic, […]

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February 17, 2014

24 Comments

Amaze Your Friends With These Little-Known Presidential Facts!

Oh, hey, my mistake - there's a statue of you!  No, wait, that's me.  Ha ha ha.  Loser.

Three minutes in to the Gettysburg Address, growing increasingly irritated with murmuring in the crowd, Lincoln paused from his speech and said, “It means ’87 years ago,’ idiots.” There was no President Hayes.  As a cost-cutting measure, the president was replaced with a magic 8-ball.  Thus the phrase, “outlook is Hayes-y” was born. Nixon refused […]

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February 13, 2014

35 Comments

What Not To Say On Valentine’s Day

Well, she would...

  * “I was going to get you roses but they’re expensive, so I cut this picture of Axl Rose out of Rolling Stone instead.” * “Just love me and I’ll give your dog back.” * “Thank you for this book of coupons for free, sensual massages!  Do… Do I have to redeem them with […]

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February 11, 2014

39 Comments

The Long, Dark Tonight Show Of The Soul

Leno, circa 1996.  Or possibly 2002.  Or 2010.

During his time as host of The Tonight Show, Jay Leno made 4,607 jokes about Bill Clinton, 795 jokes about OJ Simpson, 505 jokes about Michael Jackson, and 454 jokes about Monica Lewinsky. – Finding by the Center for Media And Public Affairs Hour 1 – Alright!  Got a job!  Cataloging Leno’s jokes won’t change […]

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February 3, 2014

48 Comments

Biggest Surprises of Superbowl XLVIII

At this point it should be obvious this post is humorous, as there's not a force on earth that can make the peppers keep their shirts on.

Superbowls never go quite the way people think they’re going to.  And this year?  No exception. What were some of the more surprising moments? 1. Completely shattering all expectations, and defying the most refined Vegas odds, The Red Hot Chili Peppers perform their halftime set with their shirts on. 2. After calling the coin toss […]

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January 20, 2014

122 Comments

This Literally Means War, Figuratively

Oh, God, really? Ugh, oof.  Yeesh.  Fine.  Put it on your car.  Yep, right on the paint.

I can be a word snob; I admit that.  But I am also a reasonable man.  When things reach such a crisis level as this, immediate diplomatic action is required, lest things break out in to total chaos. I am, of course, referring to Google’s addition to its definition of “literal” as “used for emphasis […]

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January 7, 2014

70 Comments

Getting Insurance Is As Easy As Arguing Over A Shirt For 2 Hours!

Now THAT is a reassuringly charming shirt.

I did a commercial last week for an insurance company, in which I walk you through the process of signing up for insurance and explain the new health care laws.  The gist of it is that signing up for health care is easy and the insurance companies are here for you. You know, lying. The […]

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