1. Some people wear portable urinals, so they don’t have to stop shopping to urinate. This is, of course, absurd. Those things are clunky and, once full, heavy, inevitably slow you down. If you need to urinate, simply let ‘er rip. This will not only save time, it will be an invaluable asset should people […]
November 19, 2012
For This I Am Thankfu- EVERYONE SHUT UP, I’M TRYING TO GIVE THANKS!
I am thankful to have the whole family together this holiday evening, especially those who haven’t spoken to each other for so long, to share this special meal. I am thankful for this wonderful looking turkey, and the honor of carving it. I am thankful to hear the constant, joyful, piercing shriek of so many […]
November 18, 2012
Weekly Question of the Week: Chocolate-Chip Scales Of Justice Edition
It’s Sunday and that means it’s time for this week’s Weekly Question of the Week! We haven’t done a caption contest in a while, so let’s do one of those again… but with something new, that could easily go disastrously awry! In the comments, I’ve decided to go with the time-honored “thumbs up” system to […]
November 16, 2012
My Steve Jobs Bio-Pic Script For Which I should Be Paid Millions And Millions
There’s been a lot of scurry and fuss to put together a movie about Steve Jobs’ life. I don’t know why, since the definitive screenplay on Jobs’ life is right here. Apple didn’t bring me on as their new chief, despite being obviously qualified, so the least they can do is use my masterpiece of […]
November 14, 2012
It’s Time For Another Installment Of: Ask Sexy Stalin!
When Dr. Laura isn’t brutal enough… When Carolyn Hax isn’t sexy enough… When Dr. Phil isn’t yelling enough… That’s when you need to Ask Sexy Stalin! Dear Sexy Stalin, How does one get their newborn baby to sleep more than 2 hours at a time? Your humblest admirer, who thinks you are way too sexy […]
November 12, 2012
Casualty Of War: A Short Biography Of My Uncle Jerry
My uncle Jerry was the third of four sons to his parents, my dad being the fourth. He had a sunny disposition and a way with words that enabled him to defuse situations that led to violence in most childhoods of his generation. He loved to tell long, involved stories about his experiences punctuated with […]
November 10, 2012
Please Hire Me To Write Your Concession Speech
Honestly, I can’t imagine much harder than giving a political concession speech. To put that much of yourself in to something, that much money that much time, and then to lose and have to walk out in front of the cameras right then – not even get a day to drink a bottle of tequila, […]
November 7, 2012
A Selection of Election Reflection
It’s always disconcerting when news networks say things like, “With 0% of the ballots reported, it looks like Wisconsin is going to go to Obama.” One of my favorite things to do on election night is surf the different networks the moment they call it, before they’ve had time to polish. Last night the more […]
The Byronic Man 
November 21, 2012
80 Comments