For This I Am Thankfu- EVERYONE SHUT UP, I’M TRYING TO GIVE THANKS!

November 19, 2012

Humor

I am thankful to have the whole family together this holiday evening, especially those who haven’t spoken to each other for so long, to share this special meal.

I am thankful for this wonderful looking turkey, and the honor of carving it.

I am thankful to hear the constant, joyful, piercing shriek of so many children.  I didn’t know so many relatives had so many children.  Just, really, it seems like there are hundreds of them.  Wow.  So, I’m thankful for that, too.

I am thankful that uncle Andy is enjoying the wine so much.  Save some for the rest of us, uncle Andy!  Ha ha.

I am thankful for this knife, which apparently has a heart full of hate for meat.

I am thankful for this impressive electric knife someone brought to carve the turkey with.  And I am thankful for how well it works!  Holy Cow!

I am thankful that the turkey shrapnel cleaned from the walls with little fuss.

I am thankful that the thousands of children in my house find the fact that the knife also took off part of my pinky to be so delightful and that they have all taken to repeating what I said when the knife went in to my finger.

I am thankful that we keep so much gauze in our home.

I am thankful that cousin Ruth is speaking to Aunt Laura for the first time in 4 years, and clearing the air.

I am thankful that Ruth is explaining that Laura misunderstood Ruth’s meaning when she said that Laura’s ass looked like the first waffle from the maker that you throw out.

See, everyone likes waffles, right? It’s… you know… a compliment!  Waffles!

I am thankful that Laura is expressing sympathy and understanding for Ruth being such a bitch.

I am thankful that the mashed potatoes are ready right now.

Oh, well, actually I am thankful that they’re not ready, as scalding-hot mashed potatoes could have really done some damage to Ruth’s and Laura’s faces, and my new suit.

I am thankful that uncle Andy feels comfortable enough to share his unusual – and rather dedicated –  political views.

Waldorf Salad: Tastes great AND makes for a soft landing!

I am thankful that Andy has passed out before his speech on “the mongrel races” really hit its stride, and I am thankful that the Waldorf salad was there to cushion his face from hitting the table.

I am thankful that the army of screaming children have learned the interesting effects that a bowl of gravy has on a Bose stereo.

I am thankful that an electric knife does no real damage when it’s been jerked from the wall-socket and thrust at Aunt Laura.

I am thankful that cousin Peter is a man who is unafraid to cry.  Loudly, and for no clear reason.

I am thankful to grandma for explaining why the family never gets together.

I am thankful for my wife thanking everyone for coming and helping them be careful that the door not hit anyone in the ass as they exit.

I am thankful to have a whole pumpkin pie to eat while I watch Heaven Can Wait on TV.

Seriously, if you’ve never seen 1978’s Heaven Can Wait…

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About The Byronic Man

Recently voted "The Best Humor Blog in America That I, Personally, Write," The Byronic Man is sometimes fiction, sometimes autobiography. And sometimes cultural criticism. Oh, and occasionally reviews. Okay, it's all those different things, but always humorous. Except on the occasions that it's not. Ah, geez. Look, it's a lot of things, okay? You might like it, is the point.

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85 Comments on “For This I Am Thankfu- EVERYONE SHUT UP, I’M TRYING TO GIVE THANKS!”

  1. Lorna's Voice Says:

    I’ll be thankful when all these holidays and the hoopla surrounding them is OVER!

    Reply

  2. renée a. schuls-jacobson Says:

    I’m freaking out because our TV is broken. How are we supposed to get along if the TV is on the fritz?

    Reply

  3. Hippie Cahier Says:

    So glad you called attention to the under-rated multi-fuctionality of Waldorf salad. Hope the pinky’s on the mend soon.

    Oh, and happy Thanksgiving. 🙂

    Reply

  4. List of X Says:

    I am thankful for the funniest post I read today so far.

    Reply

    • The Byronic Man Says:

      So far? Let me know about the funnier ones so that I might sabotage them.

      Reply

      • List of X Says:

        Sure: for example, you could try to sabotage the following posts: Please Hire Me To Write Your Concession Speech, A Memoir Of Courage: The Day The Internet Went Down, My Steve Jobs Bio-Pic Script For Which I should Be Paid Millions And Millions. It’s just a random sampling, but there were so many other funny posts at that site, that you couldn’t possibly sabotage them all.

        Reply

  5. Deborah the Closet Monster Says:

    Speaking of thanks, this is the first time I’ve felt thankful that budgetary constraints means no travel home for the holidays this season. It’s not all bad, eh? 🙂

    Reply

  6. mistyslaws Says:

    I am thankful that MY family will be spending the day in their respective corners of the world and not with me, and that I get to spend the day with the hubs’ funny and laid back family. And for pie. I am always thankful for pie.

    Reply

  7. Don't Quote Lily Says:

    I am thankful for the TV that covers up the awkward silence. 🙂
    And I’m thankful for this post. 😉

    Reply

  8. Life With The Top Down Says:

    I’m thankful I’m not alone in my dysfunction. I may need you to FedEx that knife, something tells me I may need to sever a tongue or 2 Thursday.

    Reply

  9. Go Jules Go Says:

    Ha ha HA! Okay. I just laughed my waffle-y bum off. This is officially one of my favorite posts of yours, B. One might even say I’m very thankful for it, but not me, because that’s cheesy.

    Reply

  10. Leanne Shirtliffe (Ironic Mom) Says:

    Hilarious, TBM. We all have Uncle Andy’s and Cousin Lauras… Of course, I am no one’s Uncle Andy or Cousin Laura. Maybe.

    I am thankful that we have our little, understated Canadian Thanksgiving in October.

    Happy carving and staying sane.

    Reply

  11. Lynn Schneider Says:

    I am thankful Black Friday starts right after dinner this year, so everyone will go away sooner.

    Reply

  12. nikkix2 Says:

    I am thankful like Ironic Mom said, that our Thanksgiving was in October which gives us about 8 weeks to recover,,,till we have to do that shit all over again!

    Reply

  13. Jackie Cangro Says:

    I’m thankful that I’ll be spending Thanksgiving with nearby friends instead of sitting in bumper to bumper traffic for 3 hours each way to be with family.

    Happy Thanksgiving, B-man!

    Reply

  14. Tori Nelson Says:

    I’m thankful for boxed wine… and tiny closets to hide and drink in.

    Reply

  15. virtualblancmange Says:

    i’m thankful that people with beautiful newborn baby girls in the family send lots and lots of pics! it’s the easiest and most economical of all gifts… all year round. 🙂

    Reply

  16. Lori Lipsky Says:

    Of the two of us, you are the humorous one. Funny post. I am thankful to be part of a family who actually gets along…for the most part.

    Reply

  17. Wilma Says:

    I’m thankful that you’re thankful. Another awesome post. A couple of years ago, I invited a single friend of mine who I hadn’t seen in years. She brought a bottle of Southern Comfort and proceeded to drink most of it while the turkey was cooking. Eventually, she made her way to the bathroom where she puked and then passed out before dinner. I’m thankful I didn’t invite her this year.

    Happy Tday!

    Reply

  18. winopants Says:

    Who compares a family member’s bum to a broke-drown looking waffle? Ouch.
    No one on Thanksgiving should really talk to each other Before they’ve had turkey. Being half asleep helps quell any discord.

    Reply

  19. Every Record Tells A Story Says:

    I’m thankful I live in the UK, and don’t have to face this over the next few days…

    Reply

  20. sj Says:

    I’m thankful Ironic Mom called you TBM so I can giggle at “BM” like a little child.

    Reply

  21. My Ox is a Moron Says:

    Wow! It sounds a lot like my house on Thanksgiving. This year we only have 34 people coming.

    Reply

  22. Facetious Firecracker Says:

    I see you’ve met my family.

    Reply

  23. rachelocal Says:

    You forgot to be thankful for all the lovely day-after-Thanksgiving activities like hangovers, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, and Christmas shopping with more family members and one million other crazy people.

    Reply

  24. thesinglecell Says:

    I am thankful that this blog post will make me laugh when I’m in the middle of mayhem on Thursday.

    Reply

  25. speaker7 Says:

    I love Heaven Can Wait. Every scene with Charles Grodin is comedy gold.

    Reply

  26. Sandy Sue Says:

    Heaven Can Wait. Absolutely. Or Three Men and a Baby.

    Reply

    • The Byronic Man Says:

      Oh, that’s a good idea. I’m always on the look out for perfect holiday “comfort movies.” Muppet Movie is one, too. Also, if you’re with a particularly hip crowd, that 1980 version of Flash Gordon.

      Reply

  27. Soma Mukherjee Says:

    Oh i am thankful i survived holiday season and got to read this hilarious piece.
    Older ones did everything in power to stuff the kids like turkey and i am thankful another generation of obese kids are on their way.

    Reply

    • The Byronic Man Says:

      Having just had a baby we keep hearing about other new babies, and they’re all being born giant, especially compared to ours, who was a little on the small side. That can’t be a sign of good things in the future, obesity-wise.

      Reply

  28. Laura Says:

    I just want to go on record as saying I’m not your aunt.

    Reply

  29. susielindau Says:

    Sounds like a delightful Thanksgiving gathering. I hope this year’s lives up to its reputation! 🙂

    Reply

  30. S. Trevor Swenson Says:

    Thank YOU. Has Mrs Byronic banished you to the kids table yet?

    Reply

  31. cookie5683 Says:

    Hahaha! Cousin Peter, I have one of those too

    Reply

  32. Michelle Gillies Says:

    I am thankful that I am not the only one with a family like this. When I glanced at that photo I immediately thought it was from Warren Beatty’s movie “Shampoo”. Both movies are fun to watch.

    Reply

  33. Elyse Says:

    I am SO making a Waldorf Salad this year. Happy Thanksgiving B’Man —

    Reply

  34. pegoleg Says:

    I’m thankful that you are able to look on the bright side of life in such a light-hearted and thankful way (breaking into a rousing chorus of “The Sun Will Come Up Tomorrow”)

    Happy Turkey Day!

    Reply

  35. benzeknees Says:

    And here I was jealous of people who had families close enough to actually share Thanksgiving together! Thank goodness my family all lives 15 hours away if you drive straight through.

    Reply

  36. kitchenmudge Says:

    I’m thankful that there are still people who can find something to say about “the holidays” after cycling through a two-months-out-of-every-year period of “holidays” every year of their lives.

    Reply

  37. She's a Maineiac Says:

    I have never seen Heaven Can Wait. I think tomorrow I’m going to lock myself in a closet and watch it on my iPad while downing an entire bottle of white wine. Happy Thanksgiving to me! (and to you and yours, B-man)

    Reply

  38. Valentine Logar Says:

    I have just added another dish to the menu, I am thankful for you reminding me of Waldorf Salad and its other use. Happy Thanksgiving.

    Reply

  39. Shannon Says:

    Awesome…love it! Posts like this make me so sorry to have been away so long. This would have made a great re-blog yesterday. Some of my email-following family might have thought you were writing about them. Happy (belated?) Thanksgiving.

    Reply

  40. Snebs Says:

    I am thankful my family is nothing like yours.

    Reply

  41. wildramp Says:

    I am thankful I live far from my family and I can invite the people I enjoy to our dinner!

    Reply

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