I am thankful to have the whole family together this holiday evening, especially those who haven’t spoken to each other for so long, to share this special meal.
I am thankful for this wonderful looking turkey, and the honor of carving it.
I am thankful to hear the constant, joyful, piercing shriek of so many children. I didn’t know so many relatives had so many children. Just, really, it seems like there are hundreds of them. Wow. So, I’m thankful for that, too.
I am thankful that uncle Andy is enjoying the wine so much. Save some for the rest of us, uncle Andy! Ha ha.
I am thankful for this impressive electric knife someone brought to carve the turkey with. And I am thankful for how well it works! Holy Cow!
I am thankful that the turkey shrapnel cleaned from the walls with little fuss.
I am thankful that the thousands of children in my house find the fact that the knife also took off part of my pinky to be so delightful and that they have all taken to repeating what I said when the knife went in to my finger.
I am thankful that we keep so much gauze in our home.
I am thankful that cousin Ruth is speaking to Aunt Laura for the first time in 4 years, and clearing the air.
I am thankful that Ruth is explaining that Laura misunderstood Ruth’s meaning when she said that Laura’s ass looked like the first waffle from the maker that you throw out.
I am thankful that Laura is expressing sympathy and understanding for Ruth being such a bitch.
I am thankful that the mashed potatoes are ready right now.
Oh, well, actually I am thankful that they’re not ready, as scalding-hot mashed potatoes could have really done some damage to Ruth’s and Laura’s faces, and my new suit.
I am thankful that uncle Andy feels comfortable enough to share his unusual – and rather dedicated – political views.
I am thankful that Andy has passed out before his speech on “the mongrel races” really hit its stride, and I am thankful that the Waldorf salad was there to cushion his face from hitting the table.
I am thankful that the army of screaming children have learned the interesting effects that a bowl of gravy has on a Bose stereo.
I am thankful that an electric knife does no real damage when it’s been jerked from the wall-socket and thrust at Aunt Laura.
I am thankful that cousin Peter is a man who is unafraid to cry. Loudly, and for no clear reason.
I am thankful to grandma for explaining why the family never gets together.
I am thankful for my wife thanking everyone for coming and helping them be careful that the door not hit anyone in the ass as they exit.
I am thankful to have a whole pumpkin pie to eat while I watch Heaven Can Wait on TV.