A Selection of Election Reflection

November 7, 2012

Humor

It’s always disconcerting when news networks say things like, “With 0% of the ballots reported, it looks like Wisconsin is going to go to Obama.”

One of my favorite things to do on election night is surf the different networks the moment they call it, before they’ve had time to polish.  Last night the more liberal networks announced that “AMERICA HAS SPOKEN!!”.  The more conservative networks (okay, Fox), announced that, “Well… technically… technically… it looks like… technically… Obama has… *cough*… ‘won.’”

Nothing beats Karl Rove just denying the whole thing.  “Ohio goes to Obama.” “No, it doesn’t.”  “Um, yes, Mr. Rove, it does.”  “No, it doesn’t.  It doesn’t. IT DOESN’T IT DOESN’T IT DOESN’T.”

Hold on a second… Washington and Colorado legalized marijuana but Oregon – hippie freaky Oregon – didn’t?  Has the world gone insane?  Sure, Oregon’s law was going to be far more permissive and the campaigners were far less organized (which probably isn’t that shocking), but still

But it LOOKS redder! Shouldn’t elections be based on acreage?

The fact that people look at the map turning red and blue, and believe that because the physical landscape has bigger red that blue that voting is unfair is all the more reason that it’s terrifying that democracy is the best we can come up with.

It’s still on the border, but now it might be the Republicans turn to complain about the Electoral College and why the hell don’t we elect by popular vote.  Maybe the Democrats can just email them their materials from 2000.

I like how they can’t announce the winner until the polls close, so at 7:59pst the networks kind of go silent and say, “And so it looks like California wiiiiiiilllll…. Goooooo… tooooo… “ *clock turns to 8:00* “Obama.”

It must have been tempting to say, “And Utah has voted for Romney.  Duh.”

MY CANDIDATE (to be named later) BELIEVES IN FREEDOM AND THE FUTURE AND CHILDREN AND STRENGTH! YOUR CANDIDATE (to be named later) BELIEVES IN LAZINESS AND CORRUPTION AND UNFAIR TAXES AND HATES AMERICA.

It’s always interesting seeing the discrepancy between what news networks can say and what they know.  For a couple of hours Romney was leading and yet you could hear “This thing’s over: it’s Obama” in the voices of the reporters the whole time.

Donald Trump apparently tweeted that it was time for a revolution in America.  An actual revolution.  Dear Mr. Trump: You might consider what tends to happen to super-rich plutocrats in a revolution…

It’ll be nice to stop with all the campaign stuff for a few days until Election 2016 kicks off.

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About The Byronic Man

Recently voted "The Best Humor Blog in America That I, Personally, Write," The Byronic Man is sometimes fiction, sometimes autobiography. And sometimes cultural criticism. Oh, and occasionally reviews. Okay, it's all those different things, but always humorous. Except on the occasions that it's not. Ah, geez. Look, it's a lot of things, okay? You might like it, is the point.

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75 Comments on “A Selection of Election Reflection”

  1. mistyslaws Says:

    Wait . . . there was an election? And I MISSED it? When did THIS happen? And why didn’t anyone tell me? You would think they would at least have the decency to put an ad or 2 on TV during this whole thing. I mean, don’t you people WANT votes? Jeesh!!

    Reply

  2. susielindau Says:

    A few days???? Oh it is so peaceful and quiet. The only phone calls I have received today were from family members!

    Reply

  3. becomingcliche Says:

    I know. Stop with the politicking for 5 minutes so I can enjoy my Halloween candy in peace!

    Reply

  4. renée a. schuls-jacobson Says:

    I was sleeping with the enemy last night. Nice to know we can start talking again.

    Reply

  5. Go Jules Go Says:

    My dad was in his glory last night. He almost -ALMOST- brought out my neice’s toy easel to keep track himself.

    And I’ll be honest. Every time I see SO MUCH RED, a liiiiittle part of me panics and thinks, “Okay. Deep breaths. It doesn’t work like that.”

    Reply

  6. Don't Quote Lily Says:

    I will be more prepared for the next election. In 4 years, I will no longer have a facebook account…

    Reply

  7. Michelle Gillies Says:

    I think we should start campaigning now to elect The Byronic Man for president. There must be enough of us Byromaniacs out there to get the guy elected. Who’s with me?

    Reply

  8. trixfred30 Says:

    I don’t know nothing about nothing (because Im British) but on that map it looks like everyone who lives in the countryside votes Republican and everyone who lives in cities votes Democrat? (or am i generalising a tiny bit…)

    Reply

  9. jubilare Says:

    “Dear Mr. Trump: You might consider what tends to happen to super-rich plutocrats in a revolution…”

    Yeah… that.

    Reply

  10. Paul Says:

    I’m with you, Michelle. But only if his “little woman” is on the ticket as V.P. You don’t think he comes up with all this stuff on his own, do you?

    Reply

  11. Lorna's Voice Says:

    I was delighted to see all the campaign signs picked up along the roadways this morning and actual ads for anti-depressants, sleep aides, meds to lower cholesterol, and improve erections (not elections) on the air. That’s a sign to me that things are, once again, on the right track…

    Reply

  12. Jane Says:

    I’m guessing with 55 days til the “fiscal cliff” – there won’t be much of a break in political scrutiny. At least the billboards are down along with the Dow.

    Reply

  13. on thehomefrontandbeyond Says:

    I would have spent my time in Hawaii vying for votes for four months

    Reply

  14. angrymiddleagewoman Says:

    Love your 2016 campaign slogans! Want to be really scared? My teenager can vote in the next election. Maybe we should hope that there is something to this whole “world ends in 2012” stuff.

    Reply

    • The Byronic Man Says:

      Sometimes I hear teenagers talking about politics and think how terrible it is they can vote. Then I hear adults talking about politics and think how terrible it is that almost everyone can vote.

      Reply

  15. speaker7 Says:

    You referenced my favorite moment from last night–well apart from the non victory of rape-is-a-gift candidates and the victory of Obama–the Karl Rove meltdown was a supreme tantrum at its best. My 2 year old can’t even come close. And how do we get the Donald to never have attention on him ever again?

    Reply

  16. AsimovSideburns Says:

    Since I’ll be turning 35 in 2029, I’m already starting my 2032 presidential campaign.

    You know, assuming democracy lasts that long.

    Anybody know a good place to start fundraising?

    Reply

  17. She's a Maineiac Says:

    I could have saved everyone a lot of time and money

    Reply

    • She's a Maineiac Says:

      …um…wth? My ipad decided that was all I needed to say.

      Anyway, like I was sayin….(ahem) I could’ve told everyone around 2 pm that my son’s class had already voted for Obama 13 to 3. And, more importantly, my daughter’s class declared cats the big winner over dogs 15 to 3.

      Reply

  18. Life With The Top Down Says:

    Karl Rove/Son of Satan and his giant hissy fit were priceless. I was waiting for him to scream “No, we paid for Ohio…we did…we win Ohio…I dropped the moony off myself.”

    Reply

  19. thefoodandwinehedonist Says:

    I’m going to pay Trump $100 to show us what’s under his comb-over. One lesson that I took from all this is that I’ve GOT to get rid of my landline. I was so happy at the thought of not getting any more campaign calls. Then WHAM! three calls today for charities. And one said they were a charitable org that does roofing and siding. SHit you not…

    Reply

  20. Jackie Cangro Says:

    The best prediction I heard yesterday was that Romney was going to lose because the Redskins lost last Sunday’s game. See, apparently when the Redskins lose the Sunday before election day, the Republicans lose the election and when the Redskins win the election, the Democrats win the election.
    Take that Karl Rove.

    Reply

  21. thesinglecell Says:

    I was rather disappointed that, when the networks broke down the demographic votes by characteristic of humanity, Romney’s female votes weren’t organized in binders.

    Reply

  22. earthriderjudyberman Says:

    I live in Florida and it looks like Florida still hasn’t made up its mind. smh

    Reply

    • The Byronic Man Says:

      And it’s funny, because we’re so used to things hinging on Florida that it’s weird to be in a position of, “Florida is too close to call!” “Yeah, well, whatever. It’s done.”

      Reply

  23. angeliquejamail Says:

    For much prettier election maps, try this link. It’s for 2008, but it gets the idea across. http://www-personal.umich.edu/~mejn/election/2008/

    Reply

  24. The Bumble Files Says:

    Ha! I like your Trump comment. Good one. How’s baby and family? I hope all is well.

    Reply

  25. brownponytail Says:

    that silly trump is such a joke. i couldnt believe it ahahaha
    yay for obama!

    Reply

  26. Sandy Sue Says:

    Once I voted (weeks ago per absentee ballot), I unplugged my phone, turned off the TV, and crossed my fingers. I just waited until Wednesday morning to get the news–either catastrophic or sweet relief. All I can say is “Phew!”
    I always think I should work the campaign somehow if I’m so adamant about who I want in office, but telephone calls and junk mail seem so counter productive. Does that stuff do anything *except* piss people off? Maybe I could sneak into The Donald’s penthouse and shave his head.

    Reply

    • The Byronic Man Says:

      I’m traumatized ever since last year when there was a prisoner on death row with a LOT of evidence suggesting he might not be guilty, and there was tremendous pressure to grant a stay while it was investigated. Right before bed I checked the news and saw he’d been given a reprieve. Then went to bed, got up in the morning and it said, “Oh, no, wait – he wasn’t. He’s dead.” I’m afraid to turn my back on the news, now.

      Reply

  27. Remediator Says:

    When the revolution comes, it will be Donald Trump’s scalp that will be used to crown the rebel leader. Too much? OK, how about if we just abscond one of his penthouses and give some poor deserving family a really good deal on rent.

    Reply

    • The Byronic Man Says:

      Only too much because the leader of a revolution should get something more dignified. Maybe Alec Baldwin’s scalp? Not because he needs scalping, but he’s got nice, dignified hair.

      Reply

  28. spilledinkguy Says:

    Hmm… I had something meaningful to say, but then I became distracted by the fact the border around Alabama seems a bit wider than the other states’.
    I think I see a screenshot that came from the default settings on an interactive map!!!
    Also, I might need help. Possibly. Maybe.

    Reply

  29. clemarchives Says:

    One of my friends who just got done with a Montana district representative race was told he should try and get his candidate to start a campaign for the 2014 Montana Representative in late November. Blarg!

    Reply

  30. Ms. PC Says:

    They’ve been working on this thing for years…. http://www.nationalpopularvote.com/

    …but one of these days, my vote will count.

    Reply

  31. Tori Nelson Says:

    Oh thank God for this post. I thought I was just horrible at math when the whole Counted Votes/ Projected Winner thing didn’t add up!

    Reply

  32. Blogdramedy Says:

    I think we need to tie up Donald and shave off that hideous excuse of a haircut just to see if, like Samson but not, his stupidity rests only in the hair on his head or if, as we all suspect, it runs rampant through out his whole body. Besides a big eww that would explain so much.

    Reply

  33. Angie Z. Says:

    I still love Jon Stewart saying back in 2008 that Karl Rove’s face looks like a loaf of unbaked bread dough. And speaking of Karl Rove and bread, what is up with all the fat, nerdy (slightly asexual) divorced and/or unmarried men who make up the Republican party’s bread and butter? You can come to my state and I can show you that it’s not a stereotype.

    Reply

  34. Andrea Kelly Says:

    Seriously! They didn’t even bother with California or Washington, it was literally the second the polls closed.

    And honestly, after living here for long enough, I’d be surprised if Oregon ever decided to legalize weed – that’s a second, tax-free income for a lot of people right there! 😛

    Reply

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