There’s been a lot of scurry and fuss to put together a movie about Steve Jobs’ life. I don’t know why, since the definitive screenplay on Jobs’ life is right here. Apple didn’t bring me on as their new chief, despite being obviously qualified, so the least they can do is use my masterpiece of a screenplay. Enjoy!
Little Stevie Jobs’ first attempt at the iPhone
Scene 1: Steve, age 9, runs around the house putting a blender and an alarm clock on the record player.
Steve: I am going to invent something and I will be a genius and I am—
Mom: Stevie! Quit trying to combine all our appliances in to one thing! And stop saying “I” all the time! I, I, I!
Steve: (Looks dreamily in to the distance) You’ll see mother. Someday I will do something great, and then all that brilliance will be associated with I.
Mother: And take off that God damn turtleneck! It’s 110 in the shade!
Scene 2: Apple Headquarters, 1985
Evil Apple Executive: Fellow Machiavellian Stuffed-Shirts! I decree that we shall force Steve Jobs out, for his daring and vision frighten us! And I absolutely guarantee that we will never hear from him again! NEVER! We will get rich and never need him back! All those in favor of ruining him, signify by laughing evilly.
Machiavellian Stuffed-Shirts: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!!!
Scene 3: Apple Laboratory, 2001, early morning, as a glowing sun seems to shine just a little brighter than usual.
Apple Engineer 1: Whadya workin’ on?
Ummmm….hmmmm… maybe… maybe if I staple gun it on?
Apple Engineer 2: I’m trying to make a computer with a cup holder. You?
Apple Engineer 1: Trying to make a mouse that squeaks like a real mouse when you click it. Man, we’re idiots. How is this company even– *gasp!* Mister Jobs! What are you doing here in the lab at 7 in the morning?!
Steve Jobs: I’ve been here all night! I have built something amazing! I, personally, completely on my own without any outside assistance, have built the portable music player that will change everything! I call it…
(dramatic pause)
(still pausing)
(this is huge; still pausing)
THE iPOD.
Apple Engineer 1: *Head explodes*
Apple Engineer 2: Does it have a cup holder?
Scene 4: October, 2011. Steve lies on his death bed in a small hut, lit by only a small cooking fire as it rains outside. Tim cook kneels at his side.
Steve: I am contented knowing that I was loved, and that I followed my dream. Also, that I changed the world and made billions of dollars.
Tim Cook: But, but… Mister Jobs, what will we do without you? You can’t die.
Steve: No, sleep I will now. Earned it I have. No more training do you require.
Tim Cook: Then I am the head of Apple.
Steve: O-ho! No. One thing remains. The iPad. You must fix the iPad.
Tim Cook: I swear it shall be done.
Yeah, like that. Only, you know, more stubble and turtlenecks. Less green skin and pointy ears.
Steve: Goodbye. May the “i” be with you.
*Steve Jobs fades into a blur of light and star glitter*
*Tim Cook mourns for a moment and emerges from the hut. Behind him, a vision of Jobs stands there, glowing and smiley,watching him go.*
THE END.
Hollywood, I await your call.
The Byronic Man 
November 16, 2012 at 3:14 am
I would go and see that. And I want a cup holder on my laptop.
November 16, 2012 at 6:21 am
Well, they’re still working on it. Hopefully by 2018 there will be Cupholder 1.0.
November 16, 2012 at 7:18 am
The iMug.
November 16, 2012 at 3:28 am
Can’t wait to see this on DVD! Hollywood better get going.
November 16, 2012 at 6:24 am
It’ll be a long wait, because this is probably going to be in theaters for a couple years. Plus, it’ll be in 3D. That iMac will be coming RIGHT AT YOU.
November 16, 2012 at 7:07 am
Should I duck?
November 16, 2012 at 3:37 am
Well, buy it iWould. And I’d make sure the movie showed the squeaking mouse prototype. Plus I have some leftover glitter for the final shot.
“…and then all that brilliance will be associated with I.” <–That got me!
November 16, 2012 at 6:29 am
I remember when it was fashionable to have funny sounds on your computer. So if the program locked up, HAL, from “2001” would say, “I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
Turns out nothing’s very funny when your computer freezes up.
November 16, 2012 at 4:07 am
I have one request. Mrs. Costanza of Seinfeld fame must play the mother, even if it’s just for that one brilliant line “And take off that God damn turtleneck! It’s 110 in the shade!”
November 16, 2012 at 6:29 am
Ooh, good choice.
November 16, 2012 at 4:26 am
You’re now an iDad. You don’t have the time. 😉
November 16, 2012 at 6:29 am
Oh, I’ll make time. It’s a labor of love. It’s been my lifelong dream to write the biography of someone I know almost nothing about.
November 16, 2012 at 4:37 am
That was hilarious. 🙂 I think I would like that screen play very much. Straight forward and to the point. The “I’s” and the turtleneck speak volumes. 🙂
November 16, 2012 at 6:32 am
When in doubt it’ll just be turtlenecks everywhere.
November 16, 2012 at 6:02 am
Yeah, it’s good. For a first draft. But I think it needs much more evil laughter. And turtle necks. Have your people talk to my people. My little people that is . . . have Zoe call the boys and they’ll get this worked out. Afterall, they are the brilliant minds of the future.
November 16, 2012 at 6:32 am
If Zoe had her way, it would mostly consist of funny faces and cooing. Which could play well in the heartland.
November 16, 2012 at 6:03 am
This is indeed a masterpiece. 🙂
November 16, 2012 at 6:32 am
It really is, isn’t it?
November 16, 2012 at 7:32 am
A cupholder is brilliant. May I also suggest a force field that my children can’t enter when I’m using my laptop. Maybe that high squeal-ly sound my hearing is too damaged to pick up.
November 17, 2012 at 7:45 am
I really resent when students play that squeal. I like to think that I’m completely exempted from the aging process and that I’ll remain youthful and vital for eternity (I might, just might, be setting myself up for disappointment), and that sort of thing makes it harder to hold on to that.
November 16, 2012 at 9:28 am
This is good, but if you are writing it for Hollywood, you are going to have to rewrite the ending. Seriously, you are killing off your hero in the end??? (who cares how it happened in real life, people don’t go to movies to look at the real life! They have TV for that!) In the end, Steve Jobs must kick the bad guy’s ass using one of his amazing inventions, for example, Hitler. (Or better yet, Hitler can be the bad guy! Yes, that makes more sense!) At the very least, your hero could die by slowly sinking into a large molten touchscreen, holding a thumbs-up over his head just as he disappears, and saying something uplifting, like “iLLbeback”.
November 17, 2012 at 7:47 am
I thought about that – changing the ending of Jobs’ life so he doesn’t die. “The planet Xegon needs me!” “But Mr. Jobs, what will we tell people?” “You must tell them I passed away. It’s the only way they’ll get closure.”
November 17, 2012 at 9:56 am
“Tell them you are releasing Jobs2 in March”
November 16, 2012 at 9:35 am
This is absolutely brilliant – Hollywood is SURE to call any day. But I’d make it a moss-draped cave instead of a hut. Po-ta-to, po-TA-to.
November 17, 2012 at 7:48 am
As long as it’s got that “wise mentor in the woods” vibe going. Given Jobs’ wealth, he’d probably have several modest “mentor in the woods” retreats.
November 16, 2012 at 11:02 am
You had me at “I,I,I . . !”
November 17, 2012 at 7:51 am
I always thought that’s what Renee Zellwegger should have said in “Jerry MacGuire”…
November 16, 2012 at 12:17 pm
It honestly baffles me that you’re not in Hollywood already. You totally should be, which I say only in (OK, so maybe not small) part because that’s not so very far from my neck of the woods.
November 17, 2012 at 7:55 am
You know, the tale of why I’m not in Hollywood is long and, well, probably tedious to anyone who isn’t me. I was 100% poised to go that route at one point, and have contemplated it from time to time. I definitely think about that road not taken.
The very short version, though – knowing my weaknesses and vanities I’ve had in my life – is that if I had, I suspect I’d be a more financially successful person (although, statistically, I realize it’s more likely I’d have been crushed like a bug), but a much, much, much more shallow, awful person.
November 17, 2012 at 8:08 am
I’m glad, in that case, it’s not the path you take, but I hope you’ll find a chance to achieve some of those particular successes with the grounding of the experiences now under your belt.
November 16, 2012 at 2:08 pm
I feel like this is what really happened, and I will now teach my students this itruth.
November 17, 2012 at 7:56 am
“When the legend becomes fact, print the legend.” I think Moses said that. I mean, he didn’t, but I’m publishing that he did, so now he did.
November 16, 2012 at 3:39 pm
It all makes sense now : Steve Jobs was nothing more than the incarnation of Yoda.
That explains a lot, actually. Thank you so much for pointing it out.
Hollywood will definitely call. Or maybe Bollywood – how are your dancing skills ?
November 17, 2012 at 7:57 am
How are my dancing skills??!! Check THIS out!
Oh, wait, you can’t see me. Well, they’re not bad. I would need some sort of facial paralyzer – like Botox – to do Bollywood to avoid having a constant “holy smokes, this is weird” expression on my face. I love Bollywood but… holy smokes…
November 17, 2012 at 8:31 am
Wow, that was amazing !! At least, the way I imagined it, it was…
You’re right about Bollywood, though – it must take a lot of training to remain impassive while thinking “holy smokes, this is weird!” all the time.
November 16, 2012 at 4:55 pm
When he almost married the Sikh girl: “iConvert us man and wife. There’s an app for that.”
iCrack me up. 😉
November 17, 2012 at 7:58 am
He almost married a Sikh? See, I actually know almost nothing about Jobs. That’s what makes me perfect for the Hollywood treatment.
November 17, 2012 at 4:10 am
Of course the Evil Laughing One is Steve Wozniak as he jitter-bugs over at Dancing with the Stars.
November 17, 2012 at 8:00 am
If he’s chomping on a cigar, he really does have a great face for “heartless oligarch executive.”
November 17, 2012 at 5:15 am
The iMug won’t hold regular coffee/tea — you have to buy little packets from Apple for 0.99 each.
November 17, 2012 at 7:29 am
Yeah, but LOOK at that PACKET! It’s soooo sexy!
November 17, 2012 at 5:14 pm
The pathos, the humor, the foresight … you’ve got the whole package, Byronic. Love it.
November 18, 2012 at 5:34 am
I can’t believe you haven’t sold this yet.
November 18, 2012 at 6:40 am
That last scene … weeping I am …
Cut, print, that’s a wrap folks with such a brilliant script there will be no take 2.
November 18, 2012 at 2:22 pm
Awesome!