My Steve Jobs Bio-Pic Script For Which I should Be Paid Millions And Millions

November 16, 2012

Humor

There’s been a lot of scurry and fuss to put together a movie about Steve Jobs’ life.  I don’t know why, since the definitive screenplay on Jobs’ life is right here. Apple didn’t bring me on as their new chief, despite being obviously qualified, so the least they can do is use my masterpiece of a screenplay.  Enjoy!

Little Stevie Jobs’ first attempt at the iPhone

Scene 1:  Steve, age 9, runs around the house putting a blender and an alarm clock on the record player.

Steve: I am going to invent something and I will be a genius and I am—

Mom: Stevie!  Quit trying to combine all our appliances in to one thing! And stop saying “I” all the time!  I, I, I!

Steve: (Looks dreamily in to the distance)  You’ll see mother.  Someday I will do something great, and then all that brilliance will be associated with I.

Mother: And take off that God damn turtleneck!  It’s 110 in the shade!

Scene 2: Apple Headquarters, 1985

Evil Apple Executive:  Fellow Machiavellian Stuffed-Shirts!  I decree that we shall force Steve Jobs out, for his daring and vision frighten us!  And I absolutely guarantee that we will never hear from him again!  NEVER!  We will get rich and never need him back!  All those in favor of ruining him, signify by laughing evilly.

Machiavellian Stuffed-Shirts: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!!!

Scene 3: Apple Laboratory, 2001, early morning, as a glowing sun seems to shine just a little brighter than usual.

Apple Engineer 1: Whadya workin’ on?

Ummmm….hmmmm… maybe… maybe if I staple gun it on?

Apple Engineer 2: I’m trying to make a computer with a cup holder.  You?

Apple Engineer 1: Trying to make a mouse that squeaks like a real mouse when you click it.  Man, we’re idiots.  How is this company even– *gasp!* Mister Jobs!  What are you doing here in the lab at 7 in the morning?!

Steve Jobs: I’ve been here all night!  I have built something amazing!  I, personally, completely on my own without any outside assistance, have built the portable music player that will change everything!  I call it…

(dramatic pause)

(still pausing)

(this is huge; still pausing)

THE iPOD.

Apple Engineer 1: *Head explodes*

Apple Engineer 2: Does it have a cup holder?

Scene 4: October, 2011.  Steve lies on his death bed in a small hut, lit by only a small cooking fire as it rains outside.  Tim cook kneels at his side.

Steve:  I am contented knowing that I was loved, and that I followed my dream.  Also, that I changed the world and made billions of dollars.

Tim Cook: But, but… Mister Jobs, what will we do without you?  You can’t die.

Steve: No, sleep I will now.  Earned it I have.  No more training do you require.

Tim Cook: Then I am the head of Apple.

Steve: O-ho!  No.  One thing remains.  The iPad.  You must fix the iPad.

Tim Cook: I swear it shall be done.

Yeah, like that. Only, you know, more stubble and turtlenecks. Less green skin and pointy ears.

Steve: Goodbye.  May the “i” be with you.

*Steve Jobs fades into a blur of light and star glitter*

*Tim Cook mourns for a moment and emerges from the hut.  Behind him, a vision of Jobs stands there, glowing and smiley,watching him go.*

THE END.

Hollywood, I await your call.

Advertisements
, , , , ,

About The Byronic Man

Recently voted "The Best Humor Blog in America That I, Personally, Write," The Byronic Man is sometimes fiction, sometimes autobiography. And sometimes cultural criticism. Oh, and occasionally reviews. Okay, it's all those different things, but always humorous. Except on the occasions that it's not. Ah, geez. Look, it's a lot of things, okay? You might like it, is the point.

View all posts by The Byronic Man

Subscribe

Subscribe to our RSS feed and social profiles to receive updates.

45 Comments on “My Steve Jobs Bio-Pic Script For Which I should Be Paid Millions And Millions”

  1. meggik Says:

    I would go and see that. And I want a cup holder on my laptop.

    Reply

  2. Eagle-Eyed Editor Says:

    Can’t wait to see this on DVD! Hollywood better get going.

    Reply

  3. Go Jules Go Says:

    Well, buy it iWould. And I’d make sure the movie showed the squeaking mouse prototype. Plus I have some leftover glitter for the final shot.

    “…and then all that brilliance will be associated with I.” <–That got me!

    Reply

    • The Byronic Man Says:

      I remember when it was fashionable to have funny sounds on your computer. So if the program locked up, HAL, from “2001” would say, “I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”

      Turns out nothing’s very funny when your computer freezes up.

      Reply

  4. Life With The Top Down Says:

    I have one request. Mrs. Costanza of Seinfeld fame must play the mother, even if it’s just for that one brilliant line “And take off that God damn turtleneck! It’s 110 in the shade!”

    Reply

  5. Blogdramedy Says:

    You’re now an iDad. You don’t have the time. 😉

    Reply

  6. LizForADay Says:

    That was hilarious. 🙂 I think I would like that screen play very much. Straight forward and to the point. The “I’s” and the turtleneck speak volumes. 🙂

    Reply

  7. mistyslaws Says:

    Yeah, it’s good. For a first draft. But I think it needs much more evil laughter. And turtle necks. Have your people talk to my people. My little people that is . . . have Zoe call the boys and they’ll get this worked out. Afterall, they are the brilliant minds of the future.

    Reply

  8. Don't Quote Lily Says:

    This is indeed a masterpiece. 🙂

    Reply

  9. Leanne Shirtliffe (Ironic Mom) Says:

    A cupholder is brilliant. May I also suggest a force field that my children can’t enter when I’m using my laptop. Maybe that high squeal-ly sound my hearing is too damaged to pick up.

    Reply

    • The Byronic Man Says:

      I really resent when students play that squeal. I like to think that I’m completely exempted from the aging process and that I’ll remain youthful and vital for eternity (I might, just might, be setting myself up for disappointment), and that sort of thing makes it harder to hold on to that.

      Reply

  10. List of X Says:

    This is good, but if you are writing it for Hollywood, you are going to have to rewrite the ending. Seriously, you are killing off your hero in the end??? (who cares how it happened in real life, people don’t go to movies to look at the real life! They have TV for that!) In the end, Steve Jobs must kick the bad guy’s ass using one of his amazing inventions, for example, Hitler. (Or better yet, Hitler can be the bad guy! Yes, that makes more sense!) At the very least, your hero could die by slowly sinking into a large molten touchscreen, holding a thumbs-up over his head just as he disappears, and saying something uplifting, like “iLLbeback”.

    Reply

  11. pegoleg Says:

    This is absolutely brilliant – Hollywood is SURE to call any day. But I’d make it a moss-draped cave instead of a hut. Po-ta-to, po-TA-to.

    Reply

  12. angrymiddleagewoman Says:

    You had me at “I,I,I . . !”

    Reply

  13. Deborah the Closet Monster Says:

    It honestly baffles me that you’re not in Hollywood already. You totally should be, which I say only in (OK, so maybe not small) part because that’s not so very far from my neck of the woods.

    Reply

    • The Byronic Man Says:

      You know, the tale of why I’m not in Hollywood is long and, well, probably tedious to anyone who isn’t me. I was 100% poised to go that route at one point, and have contemplated it from time to time. I definitely think about that road not taken.

      The very short version, though – knowing my weaknesses and vanities I’ve had in my life – is that if I had, I suspect I’d be a more financially successful person (although, statistically, I realize it’s more likely I’d have been crushed like a bug), but a much, much, much more shallow, awful person.

      Reply

  14. speaker7 Says:

    I feel like this is what really happened, and I will now teach my students this itruth.

    Reply

  15. inukshuk Says:

    It all makes sense now : Steve Jobs was nothing more than the incarnation of Yoda.
    That explains a lot, actually. Thank you so much for pointing it out.

    Hollywood will definitely call. Or maybe Bollywood – how are your dancing skills ?

    Reply

    • The Byronic Man Says:

      How are my dancing skills??!! Check THIS out!

      Oh, wait, you can’t see me. Well, they’re not bad. I would need some sort of facial paralyzer – like Botox – to do Bollywood to avoid having a constant “holy smokes, this is weird” expression on my face. I love Bollywood but… holy smokes…

      Reply

      • inukshuk Says:

        Wow, that was amazing !! At least, the way I imagined it, it was…

        You’re right about Bollywood, though – it must take a lot of training to remain impassive while thinking “holy smokes, this is weird!” all the time.

        Reply

  16. renée a. schuls-jacobson Says:

    When he almost married the Sikh girl: “iConvert us man and wife. There’s an app for that.”

    iCrack me up. 😉

    Reply

  17. Sandy Sue Says:

    Of course the Evil Laughing One is Steve Wozniak as he jitter-bugs over at Dancing with the Stars.

    Reply

  18. Remediator Says:

    The iMug won’t hold regular coffee/tea — you have to buy little packets from Apple for 0.99 each.

    Reply

  19. earthriderjudyberman Says:

    The pathos, the humor, the foresight … you’ve got the whole package, Byronic. Love it.

    Reply

  20. Valentine Logar Says:

    I can’t believe you haven’t sold this yet.

    Reply

  21. Michelle Gillies Says:

    That last scene … weeping I am …
    Cut, print, that’s a wrap folks with such a brilliant script there will be no take 2.

    Reply

Every Time You Leave A Comment, An Angel Gets Its Wings.

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: