When Dr. Laura isn’t brutal enough…
When Carolyn Hax isn’t sexy enough…
When Dr. Phil isn’t yelling enough...
That’s when you need to
Ask Sexy Stalin!
Dear Sexy Stalin,
How does one get their newborn baby to sleep more than 2 hours at a time?
Your humblest admirer, who thinks you are way too sexy for your shirt, Misty’s Laws, Esq.
First off, it is true that my shirt lacks sexiness, but my populist clothing only underscores my rugged sensitivity. Therefore, I am, in fact too sexy for my shirt, but this truth only serves to enhance my sexiness.
“Hm? Huh? I don’t understand what you’re saying!” Psh. Don’t believe her lies. This is the face of a calculating power-monger.
Now then: Newborn babies are weak. They are parasites, drawing off the hard labor of their parents. All that is necessary is for the parents to rise up as a united front and assert that the baby’s power is an illusion. That the baby will sleep all night or be forced in to labor. And don’t believe the baby when she pretends not to understand what it is that you say. This is an old baby trick.
Dear Sexy Stalin, How can I get my son to stop playing with all his computer crap? Signed, Renee A. Shuls-Jacobson
Ah, kids. They are such adorable future workers, aren’t they? But they can be a handful. Correcting bad behavior can seems impossible, but often it is simply a matter of teach the child priorities. If, for example, the boy knew that every time he played on the computer you would crush his favorite toys in front of his weeping eyes, this might get him to think twice. If this is ineffective, I find that several years of back-breaking labor in a frozen work camp on starvation-rations does wonders for one’s attitude.
Dear Sexy Stalin, My mom always said the best way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. If you were trying to get to a man’s heart, what food would you cook and why? Lonely in Louisiana, Comrade Greg (Clem Archives)
Eat this and love me, or else live the rest of your days in fear of my wrath!
Comrade Greg: There are two possible answers to your question. If one is attempting to reach a man’s heart, the stomach is highly pliable and thick, and can provide a stubborn barrier. I’d suggest trying to reach the man’s heart through his rib cage.
If, on the other hand, you are seeking to cook in order to garner his affections, then I suggest a hearty borscht. Should he claim not to like it, simply call him an elitist and an oppressor of the people and then accuse him of betraying his country. You may then blackmail him into loving you at your leisure.
Also, serve the food naked, because men like the naked.
Dear Sexy Stalin: Why is Two and a Half Men such a popular television show when it’s such a piece of shit? Fascistly Yours, Speaker 7
Two and A Half Men is not a real program. Consider: you have never met anyone who has seen it, yes? It is a conspiracy by the capitalist powers to convince people that they are fools. Also, that there is some sort of bogie man known as The Charlie Sheen who commits horrible atrocities and is paid well and celebrated for it.
*Disclaimer: Sexy Stalin is not a licensed therapist. He is merely a very handsome fascist with a PhD in life.*
Thanks to everyone who wrote with their questions! If you were featured in Ask Sexy Stalin and and would like to receive your free (free! free!) WWSSD? wristband, just send me an email with your name and address, and it’ll be on its way!
So what WOULD Sexy Stalin do? He’d request himself a wristband poste haste, and then send a picture of it to The Byronic Man, that’s what.
The Byronic Man 
November 14, 2012 at 3:12 am
Okay. I don’t know what it says about me (yes I do), but I literally gasped when I saw the bracelets. And now I can’t concentrate on anything else (except flipping the photo… I’ve had to export the pics, but you can actually just drag them from PhotoBooth to your desktop, then open them from your desktop with your default photo viewer and flip… Yeah. There’s gotta be an easier way, you’d think, right? Maybe SS knows?).
Awesome questions (and answers)! I was hoping the Two and a Half Men one would make the cut.
November 14, 2012 at 6:29 am
Okay, it’s fixed. Thanks!
See? That web design class is paying off big time! For me, that is. I don’t know how it’s going for you. Probably not great when there’s no power…
November 14, 2012 at 7:21 am
Bestill my project manager heart! First a giveaway, now this. You fixed that so fast, and at 6:30am. My oh my. It’s like discovering a sale on Post-Its.
P.S. – I’m so over this web design class.
November 14, 2012 at 8:14 am
Whoa whoa whoa. I’m making this comment public for the greater blogging good – I just went to add a picture to tomorrow’s post, and it was loading sideways (argh!), BUT, it was letting me UPDATE THE ORIENTATION in WordPress! On the screen where you load it, right under the thumbnail of the pic, it says, ‘edit image.’ Score!
Good job, WordPress. How timely.
November 14, 2012 at 3:13 am
Awesome piece. I shall submit my question for Sexy Stalin via the proper channels. which is kinda big for me as I am generally opposed to using proper channels.
November 14, 2012 at 6:30 am
Well, fascists do love them the proper channels.
November 14, 2012 at 3:18 am
Naked Borscht. Love that one. Makes me feel all warm and fuzzy in my rib cage.
November 14, 2012 at 6:38 am
“Naked Borscht” sounds like a failed psychedelic rock band, doesn’t it?
November 14, 2012 at 3:48 am
“This is an old baby trick”…. Those little, bald suckers are smarter than they look for sure. Sexy Stalin always has the answers (and some pretty luscious Unle Jesse hair).
November 14, 2012 at 5:38 am
OMG. Now I know why I love SS so much. Have mercy.
November 14, 2012 at 6:40 am
It really is unfair that someone as bad as Stalin got such great hair. Gandhi? Terrible hair.
November 14, 2012 at 7:03 am
That tousled hair looks like he just got up from bed after a session making mad, passionate love. Or beating capitalistic pigs with a billy club.
November 15, 2012 at 2:36 am
hahaha!!
November 14, 2012 at 4:00 am
Sexy Stalin has spoken and the world is now balanced. Babies are born rulers of the domains they enter…thank goodness they’re so darn cute!
November 14, 2012 at 6:40 am
It’s like the ultimate defense mechanism. “Look at my little nose! And my feet!”
November 14, 2012 at 4:29 am
Holy sexy Stalin! I didn’t realize there’d be a beautiful bracelet?!? It will go perfectly with my new pair of ‘stache glasses.
November 14, 2012 at 5:43 am
Okay, B. I’m so excited about these bracelets, I’m officially taking over this post.
Speaker, I shudder to think what kind of trouble Hugo could get into with that bracelet. I hear silicone is the new latex.
November 14, 2012 at 5:43 am
Did I just say that?
November 14, 2012 at 6:42 am
Ironically, I paid extra for them to be made in America, instead of China.
November 15, 2012 at 2:37 am
Look at you, speaker. getting all the bloggy stash…scoring giant bags of Twix…getting Freshly Pressed. Everything’s coming up Speaker7 lately!
November 14, 2012 at 4:59 am
Ahh, Sexy Stalin. So wise. And oh so sexy. I’m sure my friend will greatly appreciate that valuable advice and assistance in training (and suppressing) his newborn bundle of joy.
Now, how ’bout we lose that shirt, hmmm? 😉
November 14, 2012 at 6:46 am
I’ve put the baby to work, making her earn her keep. So far she’s not very good at it.
November 14, 2012 at 5:34 am
I’m a little jealous. I didn’t realize how AWESOME the bracelets would be. Nice. 😉
November 14, 2012 at 6:45 am
Oh, I suspect you’ll be able to get a wristband if you want one…
November 14, 2012 at 5:58 am
I don’t know Stalin, that shirt (or is it an ascot?) is mighty sexy.
November 14, 2012 at 6:44 am
It’s actually a table cloth from an Italian restaurant. He makes anything look good, doesn’t he?
November 14, 2012 at 7:01 am
My brother looks so much like Sexy Stalin it is eerie.
November 14, 2012 at 8:29 pm
Hm… does he give really good, if rather violent, advice? Does he have a habit of sending his enemies to frozen work camps?
November 14, 2012 at 7:05 am
That baby is clearly evil. Her cute, helpless eyes are following me around the room, forcing me to want to hold her and kiss her all over and smell that precious baby smell and..and…GIVE ME THAT BABY RIGHT NOW!
November 15, 2012 at 2:39 am
I feel the same way. What is wrong with me, Peg? I have so many years until I’m a meemaw.
November 15, 2012 at 6:16 am
It’s probably only fair to clarify that that’s not my baby. My baby is WAY cuter.
November 16, 2012 at 9:32 am
Jeez, that baby is pretty darn cute. YOUR baby must be astronomically cute! Has she lined up any mini-wizard-computer modelling gigs yet?
November 14, 2012 at 9:42 am
I can never hear Dr. Phil because he’s so tall…
November 15, 2012 at 6:16 am
A common problem. That’s why he has a microphone.
November 14, 2012 at 10:30 am
Sexy Stalin is brilliant. When you look that sexy you don’t have to be smart as well but sexy Stalin has it all. With these wise parenting tips every parent can again rule their homes.
November 15, 2012 at 6:15 am
He’s also got mad puppeteering skills.
November 14, 2012 at 12:33 pm
*Also, serve the food naked, because men like the naked.*
Omggggggggggg, you are hilareous. Where the hell have you been?
x
November 15, 2012 at 6:15 am
I’ve been here, just waiting for you!
November 14, 2012 at 1:39 pm
Omigosh! How fabulous to be featured here today. I plan to turn on all my son’s electronics and throw them in the bathtub. He will begin workouts like Rocky, when Rocky went to wherever he went to workout when it was really cold. That’s where he got tough. Thanks Sexy Stalin.
And yes, please. I would like my bracelet! It’s fabulous. Like you.
November 15, 2012 at 6:14 am
Can he grow a beard? Because the Rocky “I’m-getting-back-to-who-I-am-through-earthy-exercise” thing works best with a beard. Maybe he can get a fake one?
November 14, 2012 at 5:47 pm
I’m putting this win on my resume…
November 15, 2012 at 6:13 am
“I see it says here under ‘notable accomplishments’ that you, uh, you… something about Stalin? And naked? And sexy? And food? What… uh…”
November 15, 2012 at 4:05 am
I am wondering, how is that advice working out for you on the baby front? Any success?
November 15, 2012 at 6:11 am
Smooth sailing. All these millenia, turns out the baby’s were just waiting for someone to call their bluff.
November 15, 2012 at 3:34 pm
I LOVE this! So glad I stumbled across this blog. “Also serve the food naked. Because men like the naked.” I couldnt stop giggling after that line. Awesome post.
November 16, 2012 at 8:15 am
Well, I’m glad you came by. Thanks for reading.
November 16, 2012 at 10:18 pm
I’m so relieved to know that Two and a Half Men only exists in my mind. Except in my mind Jon Cryer is named Ducky and Charlie Sheen goes by Squiggy.
Borscht…why does this name always make me feel like throwing up? Oh, yes. Probably because I watched an Amazing Race episode once where a contestant threw up in his own bowl of borscht. Also, the name is like the sound he made.
November 16, 2012 at 10:19 pm
Badass bracelets, by the way.
November 17, 2012 at 4:17 am
Sexy Stalin is a hot mess, but I like his take on child labor. Put them all to work, I say. 🙂 Very funny. 🙂
November 17, 2012 at 5:09 pm
Gasp! Are those WWSSD bracelets FOR REAL? Let me rephrase the question:
Dear Sexy Stalin,
Are those WWSSD bracelets FOR REAL? I would rock those fascist bands in an instant.
Your comrade,
Dana
November 20, 2012 at 9:07 am
I love it! I will have to ask Sexy Stalin a question. I’ve been thinking of having an “Ask” portion on my blog as well. What a great idea Speaker 7 stole!
November 26, 2012 at 1:18 pm
Definitely sexier than Hunky Hugo. Hunky Hugo kinda freaks me out, even though he wasn’t a maniacal dictator (at least, I don’t think he was….). Sorry, Speaker 7.
July 28, 2013 at 3:23 pm
Stalin wasn’t a fascist! The Fascists hated Stalin! THEY WARRED AGAINST STALIN!