Please Hire Me To Write Your Concession Speech

November 10, 2012

Humor, Please Hire Me...

Turns out women have a “mechanism” that makes it impossible for them to vote for a candidate in instances of legitimate moral revulsion.

Honestly, I can’t imagine much harder than giving a political concession speech.  To put that much of yourself in to something, that much money that much time, and then to lose and have to walk out in front of the cameras right then – not even get a day to drink a bottle of tequila, shoot a TV while weeping, and head-butt your bathroom mirror – and congratulate the opponent?  Awful.  No matter how I feel about a candidate, my heart goes out to them at that moment.  Okay, maybe not Senator Akin, but everyone else.

And when that moment comes? You need someone to write your words for you.  To craft the perfect sentiment.  And that’s when you need me.

But why should you, please, hire me to write your concession speech?

When your speech says things like “I wish the best for my opponent” and “I congratulate him on a great campaign” I will include helpful notes like *Not to be said sarcastically* and *avoid spitting on the floor when you mention your opponent’s name*.

I will double check the speech before I give it to you to make sure it doesn’t have phrases like “hate you all so much” and “worst campaign volunteers ever” and “hope Mr. Winner Man chokes on a chicken bone.”

I will craft a very sincere sounding apology for trying to legitimize rape (ousted Republicans only).

“Yeah, that’s us! Me, and, uh, lil’ buddy, and my daughter… um… Samuhuhmumuh… and, of course, the love of my life, ahem, uh, good ol’ Mrs. Smiley-Smile.”

I will remind you of the names of the spouses and children you abandoned for the duration of the campaign – and, well, let’s face it, your career – so you can thank them for being your rock, your support, your best friends.

I can throw in something about, in the future, not abandoning all of your principles at the first sign of conflict (Democrats only).

I will also write thank-you notes to all of the organizations that gave you tons of money with a reminder that the checks are cashed and the money’s as good as spent.

Because, admit it: If someone concluded their speech with “And may Smokey The Bear bless America!” you would immediately wish they’d won.

In addition to your speech, I will coach you on fighting the temptation to denounce democracy and voting as the worst political system in the world; or ripping up the speech, giving everyone the finger and saying, “Hey, you know what?  F*** you, America!” before bursting in to crazed laughter.

I will remember to include a phrase at the end of your speech in which you call for someone to bless America.  I’m thinking maybe God.  That or Smokey The Bear.  Because who doesn’t love Smokey The Bear?  No.  No, let’s stick with God.

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About The Byronic Man

Recently voted "The Best Humor Blog in America That I, Personally, Write," The Byronic Man is sometimes fiction, sometimes autobiography. And sometimes cultural criticism. Oh, and occasionally reviews. Okay, it's all those different things, but always humorous. Except on the occasions that it's not. Ah, geez. Look, it's a lot of things, okay? You might like it, is the point.

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41 Comments on “Please Hire Me To Write Your Concession Speech”

  1. She's a Maineiac Says:

    Good ol’ Mrs. Smiley-Smile and Hate you all so much. bwah haha!!!
    Why do I insist on reading your blog this early in the morning while sipping hot coffee? I would hire you for sure. But still, just ONCE I’d love to see someone flip the bird and yell “Thanks a lot, f**kers!”

    Reply

    • The Byronic Man Says:

      Especially if that moment is the end of their career. Maybe throw in a few sections like, “Okay, the following ‘traditional marriage’ guys are closeted homosexuals…” and such.

      Reply

  2. becomingcliche Says:

    I think concession speeches should revolve around actual concessions. “Peanuts, get your peanuts! Popcorn? Popcorn?” because face it. They need a new career at that point anyway.

    Reply

  3. Go Jules Go Says:

    I was JUST thinking the same thing – you really have to feel for them in that moment, you really do.

    Blessing America with animals is a surefire way to win my vote, but then seeing a family portrait where everyone’s in jeans and the same color top would cancel it out.

    …Are you planning on doing that style portrait with the Mrs. and K-Bean? Answer carefully. I know you love your jeans, but this could really impact our 2016 campaign plans.

    Reply

  4. Life With The Top Down Says:

    Hahahahaha..I agree that is has to be the single worst timing to give such a speech. I’ve often imagined the looser getting some sort of injection, as he/she still lay kicking and screaming on the hotel room floor…..one-more-state, prior to being pushed on stage.
    Thanking the “rock” always gets me. There is a part of me that would love to see the truth come out…which would include record breaking f-bombs.

    Reply

  5. renée a. schuls-jacobson Says:

    Byro: I believe you would help make those uncomfortable moments much more enjoyable. Maybe Jules could provide ‘stache glasses to lighten the mood.

    Reply

  6. angrymiddleagewoman Says:

    I was getting a little bit frantic yesterday searching for a Byronic post. Thank you for not making me suffer through the weekend without. I would love to write the acceptance speech. It would be tough to avoid, “Ha Ha – suck it!” though.

    Reply

  7. clemarchives Says:

    You know, if they have decided that this was the last campaign of their career I think that flipping everyone off and swearing would actually be pretty cathartic. I know I’d ask for my speech to include lots of vulgarity and directions to make lewd gestures.

    Reply

    • The Byronic Man Says:

      That would actually be refreshing. A totally honest, cathartic release. “I worked SO HARD ON THIS THING! GOD DAMN IT. I wanted this SOOOO BAD. WHY??? WHY didn’t you vote for me??!! I reeeeeally wanted to win! Now what am I supposed to do, huh? Now what?”

      Reply

  8. Don't Quote Lily Says:

    I don’t know… After all the lies they tell during their campaign, maybe having to do a concession speech right away is just karma. 😉

    Reply

  9. Barbara Backer-Gray Says:

    I would totally vote for someone who says “Smokey the Bear bless America”! I’ll keep you in mind for when I run for president. Oh wait, I can’t, because I wasn’t born here. Governor of Texas then. I should be a shoe-in for not getting elected; I know the difference between succeed and secede.

    Reply

  10. Luddy's Lens Says:

    You could add a passive-aggressive directive, like “subtly scratch cheek with middle finger”.

    Reply

  11. madtante Says:

    Indeed we do. The women of Missouri shut that thing down for Akin.

    Reply

  12. Jackie Cangro Says:

    I think the speech should end by kicking off the 2016 campaign. No time like the present to start drumming up more funding.

    Reply

  13. speaker7 Says:

    I would enjoy seeing some of the losers head-butting their bathroom mirrors.

    Reply

  14. Blogdramedy Says:

    The next time I run for political office, you’re hired. However, I can only offer you 47% of your normal salary.

    Reply

  15. Katie Says:

    Hilarious! I don’t know any politician that wouldn’t want to pay good money just for the promise of Smokey the bear.

    Reply

  16. Laura Says:

    Writing the speech is a good first step, but can you also find someone who looks like me to deliver the speech while I drink heavily in my hotel room?

    Reply

  17. Learning the hard way Says:

    Ensconced as I am over here with our atheist female PM, universal healthcare, compulsory voting, no guns or death penalty, pro choice for contraception, openly gay politicians and judges and the practice of teaching evolution in all schools I would nevertheless have enjoyed watching Mitt swagger on stage with a tumbler of top shelf scotch and a cigar yelling “your loss America!”

    Reply

    • The Byronic Man Says:

      It’s a very strange time for this country, in terms of being so incredibly conservative. It’s been so extreme the last 15 years or so that people can’t even see it any more. The policies of Richard Nixon, today, would be seen as too liberal for the Democratic party, much less the Republicans. Bizarre.

      Reply

  18. Valentine Logar Says:

    I would hire you. For real, I really would. Then I would rip up the speech and say whatever came to mind. I would tell those azzhats that didn’t vote for me exactly why my spouse wasn’t there, like Ann Romney stayed at the hotel cause she didn’t want to stand next to a loser and smile. I would shoot the bird at the tv cameras and fling your speech directly at them. Then I would weep, big huge tears, sob really I would. But I would hire you and pay you with one of the cancelled campaign credit cards.

    Reply

    • Elyse Says:

      Val, you beat me to it. I’m sure Bryonic would include campaign credit card cancellation in his package deal. And did Annie-pooh really skip the concession speech? I didn’t know. I guess it is really difficult to leave the bubble.

      Reply

  19. Elyse Says:

    Bryonic, I’m going to give you a better job — you can write my victory speech. Because liberal use of Smokey the Bear would definitely get me over the top.

    Reply

  20. Sandy Sue Says:

    Other possible blessers of America:
    Tony the Tiger (You’re a Loooooooser!)
    Lassie (oops, she’s dead. But, then, so are you, Looooooser!)
    Scooby-Do (only after several trips to the concession bar)

    Reply

  21. Storkhunter Says:

    I would hire you to write my concession speech, but I would love it if someone just once ripped up the smiley smile speech, flipped the birdie, shouted fuck you losers and stomped away.

    Reply

  22. Archon's Den Says:

    I read that Richie Rich whats-his-name didn’t write a concession speech, only a winner’s, and had to wing it when the sad reality hit home.

    Reply

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