1. Some people wear portable urinals, so they don’t have to stop shopping to urinate. This is, of course, absurd. Those things are clunky and, once full, heavy, inevitably slow you down. If you need to urinate, simply let ‘er rip. This will not only save time, it will be an invaluable asset should people get the urge to crowd in next to you.
Ooooh, look at me! I only buy things when I need them or want them! I hate freedom and happiness!
2. Maybe you see something on sale. Buy it! But, you say, what if I don’t want or need it? Go back to the ashram there, hippie, because that’s stinkin’ thinkin’. You’re not here because you “need” something; you’re here because you can buy whatever it is for, maybe, slightly less than you normally would! Grab it! Buy it! If anyone tries to take whatever it is, destroy them!
3. If you need to clear a path, try shouting, “Wow! A 275-inch TV for only $20!” while pointing in the direction opposite of where you need to go.
4. Should you bring the kids? Hell, yes! Shopping experts (known as “Shoxpperts”) remind you that children accomplish two things – first, they fit into crowded spaces that adults can’t. Second, police are less likely to prosecute the little ones for macing people who try to get to the novelty iPad covers before you.
Air bags almost always break people’s noses, and no one accuses them of being “irrational,” or having “screwed up priorities,” right?
5. You may be feeling hesitant about screaming, shoving and trampling other people. Remember, though, The Lesson of the Air Bags. Each year, a few people inevitably die from air bags; countless more, though, are saved by them. This is called Utilitarianism – when we knowingly allow small misfortune for the greater good. In this case, instead of saving lives, we’re valuing a counter-top pancake griddle. So trample and punch away! And just remind yourself, hey, this one’s for the air bags.
6. Packing a meal is a good idea, but time can be wasted with chewing and, what’s known as, “enjoying” your food. Consider tubes of caloric gel that can be squirted directly down the throat, or – barring this – at least pre-pureeing your food so it can be drunk quickly (here’s a bonus tip: add a Rock Star energy drink to make it easier to guzzle, and give you that extra little homicidal boost!).
Don’t have an Air Raid Siren? Well, I know where you can get an AMAZING deal on one this Friday…
7. One of the big impediments to a successful Black Friday is, of course, the Thanksgiving holiday itself. The big problem is that the day is a pure holiday, designed around stopping for a moment and being grateful for, however modest, what our lives have – and that can be very difficult to crush. Retailers are doing their part, are you doing yours? Try cutting power lines, or running air-raid sirens to disrupt family gatherings. “Well,” they’ll say, “Thanksgiving is ruined and I hate everything. Might as well hit the shops.” You’re a hero!
The Byronic Man 
November 21, 2012 at 3:11 am
giving a day of gluttony its proper due
November 21, 2012 at 7:01 am
People used to think Thanksgiving was gluttonous, and the chain retailers were all, “Oh, we’ll show you gluttony…”
November 21, 2012 at 8:21 am
ha ha — and they did
November 21, 2012 at 3:20 am
Someone will definitely take those shopping tips to heart. Mark my words. Hilarious. 🙂
November 21, 2012 at 7:02 am
You know, I actually thought of that. “What if someone reads these and takes them seriously?” Maybe I’ll end up in the news. “Our reporters here at Dateline have traced the rash of power outages to one smart-ass blogger…”
November 21, 2012 at 2:55 pm
LOL! 🙂
November 21, 2012 at 3:37 am
Hilarious! Oh Dear Lord……sadly I can imagine someone asking store clerks throughout the land for Caloric Gel Tubes.
They interviewed a woman on our local news yesterday, who took the week off from work to CAMP out on the sidewalk of Best Buy.
November 21, 2012 at 7:07 am
True story: last year my wife and I wound up driving for about 10 hours on Thanksgiving. We passed countless Best Buys. All of them had people camped out in front, including tents up at the front of the line.
BUT.
Here’s the weird part: every single one had the SAME THREE TENTS at the front of the line. And that included a photo in the newspaper from the previous year. There’s no way that’s coincidence. Option 1: Best Buy provided tents for the first three “campers.” Option 2: Those were ‘refreshment tents’ set up by the store. Option 3: Best Buy was stocking the pond by hiring people to camp, in order to convince people that “everyone is doing it” and you’d better hurry i you want that one cheap TV.
November 21, 2012 at 12:12 pm
Option 4: You were driving in circles.
November 21, 2012 at 2:24 pm
Noooooooooo! I know it’s #3! That’s it, now I’m on a mission to solve this mystery.
November 21, 2012 at 3:54 am
Thanks so much for these tips. I’m currently texting this comment from a sleeping bag on the cold ground outside of Target and now I know the first thing I should buy is mace.
November 21, 2012 at 6:02 am
Ha!
November 21, 2012 at 7:10 am
You’re going to want a taser to get to the best deals on mace before they get scooped up.
November 21, 2012 at 4:03 am
I’m considering body armor for Black Friday. Can’t be too careful, you know.
November 21, 2012 at 7:12 am
I’d try to get Batman’s suit, if possible.
November 21, 2012 at 4:04 am
Power Gel! Get it at the running shops today, thank Byronic Man later.That was genius. I had never thought about that!
November 21, 2012 at 7:11 am
I occasionally eat those gel packs on long runs (and I’m sure will continue to), but was a little disheartened when I finally looked at the ingredients. “Oh. This is a sugar packet.”
November 21, 2012 at 4:09 am
Almost time to lock myself in my Black Friday bunker for the weekend!
November 21, 2012 at 7:13 am
That’s always my plan. I don’t even like to drive anywhere.
November 21, 2012 at 4:37 am
I used to feel bad when I clotheslined children to get to that precious hot dog toaster, but now I see it’s for the greater good. Thanks for this.
November 21, 2012 at 7:13 am
Tell those kids you’ll dry their tears with a nice hot dog.
Only make it sound a lot less pervy than that.
November 21, 2012 at 8:16 pm
Nice one! Black Friday and pervy comments: you can’t have one without the other.
I’m sure some people hit the shops on Black Friday just to grope others. Who even cares about the sales when you’ve got free license to feel up random strangers?
Um…reading this comment over, it sounds way more pervy than I intended.
November 21, 2012 at 6:04 am
I’ve never been more thankful for my blender.
Not because I’m going to puree my food, but because I’ll be drinking while everyone else shops.
November 21, 2012 at 6:18 am
Can I come over, Julsey?
November 21, 2012 at 6:20 am
…or Julesy. whatever.
November 21, 2012 at 7:15 am
She prefers JuuL7-Zee<3
(the 7 is silent)
November 21, 2012 at 10:25 am
Did I ever tell you guys about the girl that came to Babs’ office named Vii?
Pronounced Seven, of course.
-JuuL7-Zee<3
November 26, 2012 at 4:35 am
Wasn’t seven the name of George Costanza’s future offspring?
(I have made it my mission to give a ‘thumbs up’ to every single comment either of you guys make from now on)
November 26, 2012 at 5:10 am
Weirdddd. I was just ‘liking’ YOUR latest comment as you submitted this! (And I’m sad I can’t remember re: George. Too bad I have absolutely no way of looking that up…)
November 21, 2012 at 7:23 am
I’d probably need a blender full of inspiration in order to actually go shopping on Black Friday
November 21, 2012 at 7:02 am
Hilarious.
I’m staying home…all day Friday. I don’t care if I run out of food. I am NOT leaving.
November 21, 2012 at 7:24 am
And of course, if everyone did that – just once – Black Friday would be done.
November 21, 2012 at 7:05 am
That’s the spirit! 🙂
November 21, 2012 at 7:25 am
Oh, I’ve got spirit, yes I do. I’ve got spirit, how ’bout you?
November 21, 2012 at 9:44 am
Why do I get the impression your spirit needs a corkscrew to unleash? 😉
November 21, 2012 at 7:16 am
I swear I’ve seen that hippie here in Ann Arbor. Eh, they all look alike to me.
November 21, 2012 at 7:27 am
He gets around. He’s actually totally stressed out, flying constantly, and completely addicted to his Blackberry, trying to keep up on his Hippie Appearances around the country.
November 21, 2012 at 7:34 am
I think we have the basis for a new folk hero – Santa Hippie. He goes around the world in a magic VW microbus pulled by free range chickens, spreading hippie love and hash brownies to all the good little boys and girls.
November 21, 2012 at 8:33 am
And this is why (hippie) I try to have everything I need a full TWO weeks before Thanksgiving (oh, that’s just to avoid shops Thanksgiving long weekend). When I’m REALLY on, I have all Xmas shopping done by Tday. I doubt that I do this year. Been a bit hectic with health issues but I’m thinking of doing origami for everybody instead.
November 23, 2012 at 6:28 am
I have a near panic attack if I realize there’s something I need from the store in the general vicinity of Black Friday.
Origami. I Like it.”I made you a swan.” “A swan? Why?” “I don’t know. You’re, uh, graceful? Shut up, it’s the thought that counts.”
November 23, 2012 at 8:42 am
This is EXACTLY the convos I have. You’ve sussed me.
November 21, 2012 at 8:56 am
I must admit I do get out on Black Friday but its not to shop. I load up with friends and we ppl watch with a warm cup of coffee. So entertaining just as your post conveys hahaha! It’s the highlight for the end of the year for us. Walmart is my fav though. I am never disappointed by the lack of cat fights or on the heavier side the occasional full on brawl breaking out over a hand held vacuum cleaner or the last size small kids jumper. Thanks for the laugh 🙂
November 23, 2012 at 6:29 am
You see those images of people and think that they can’t be real. Surely people have more dignity than that. Now, it’s almost like people want to be part of the melee.
November 21, 2012 at 9:23 am
The first time in my life I decide to venture out on Black Friday was last year. (Not counting the times as a spoiled teenager when my mom would take me out) What did I get? A small pan to make a fried egg. $5. It wasn’t even on sale. I just looked at it and thought, “I like fried eggs.” So, I got it and left the store because I realized I couldn’t even afford a marked down TV and I live in NYC, you don’t have room for blender…go back to bed, stupid.
November 23, 2012 at 6:33 am
There’s always the idea of it, though, isn’t there? The consumerist dream? “I’ll go to the store and there’ll be everything I want and it’ll be incredibly cheap!” Instead you find a novelty pan…
And now I’m trying to think about the need for a pan that fries one egg.
“How many eggs do you want?” “One, please.” “I am not wasting the space in this pan for one egg! You’ll eat 5 a like it!” “Aw.”
November 21, 2012 at 9:26 am
Interested non-American: do you also have madness on Boxing Day? We have Boxing Day sales which sound similar, but surely one frenzied day of retail gluttony is enough per year..?
November 21, 2012 at 8:20 pm
Fellow Canadian chimes in: I think Black Friday is worse than Boxing Day, especially now that stores here offer diluted “Boxing Week” sales. Americans seem to cram the insanity into one calendar day. I could be mistaken, though.
November 22, 2012 at 12:44 am
I live in a very mellow west-coast beach town in New Zealand, so I’m pretty safe from all the shopping-induced insanity!
November 22, 2012 at 9:44 am
And I live in a laid back west-coast Canadian city that’s chock full of retirees! Big box stores have been banned from the core of the city and relegated to the suburbs. Besides– we all have better things to do on Boxing Day than shopping. Like watching Jeopardy! Oh, Alex Trebek– be still my heart! 😉
November 23, 2012 at 6:35 am
Honestly, I think if you mentioned that it’s Boxing Day to most Americans they’d respond, “Oh? Who’s fighting?” Which is not to contribute to the “Dumb American” stereotype – it’s just not really a thing here.
November 21, 2012 at 10:21 am
I don’t know…those portable urinals seem like a great idea. David Sedaris has a glowing recommendation for the Stadium Pal. Tape the bag right to your calf under your pants and no one has to be the wiser.
November 23, 2012 at 6:37 am
I’d forgotten about that Sedaris piece! God, he’s funny. I hate him. I hate anyone funnier than me. I hate a lot of people.
November 21, 2012 at 11:04 am
I’m just gonna bake cookies for everyone this year. Prevents the need to buy real presents. I’m heading out to the store for ingredients today, to beat the rush. I figure the day before a huge feasting holiday should have the grocery stores empty and well stocked, yes? Might not even need this can of mace and huge box of wine later.
November 23, 2012 at 6:38 am
I had to go to the grocery store on Thanksgiving. It was like they were broadcasting, “Way to plan ahead, losers” over the intercom.
November 21, 2012 at 11:45 am
See, the best strategy is to bring a horde of children with you. Assign each of them an item and get the hell out. Mission accomplished.
November 23, 2012 at 6:38 am
It could be a school field trip! “Okay kids, here’s what I need…”
November 21, 2012 at 1:08 pm
The one time of the year when I avoid crossing the border like the plague. The “Black Friday Plague” to be exact. There are some like me but there are also bus loads of Canadians waiting 4 hours at every border crossing to experience the disease.
November 23, 2012 at 6:40 am
I’d never thought of that, but of course there are. People love to bag on Americans, but we’re all human.
November 21, 2012 at 2:01 pm
#4- Brilliant. I’ve been making my toddler do P90X for a few weeks. Get ’em trained!
November 23, 2012 at 6:41 am
“Ooohh, what an adorable little– AAAAAHHH, he’s got me in a headlock!!”
November 21, 2012 at 3:54 pm
Just invest in Depends. Then no need for potty breaks! I actually went to Black Friday once and we discovered we could avoid long lines by checking out at the jewelry counter. My friend’s father shouted “Hey, these guys are open!” when we were done. We ran for our lives. If I’d been one of those girls at the counter, I’d of shot him.
November 23, 2012 at 6:42 am
That really is pretty cold.
November 21, 2012 at 5:16 pm
Now this is a post to be thankful for! Laughing so hard, it hurts – really it does, a lot.
November 23, 2012 at 6:42 am
Good! And sorry…
November 21, 2012 at 6:01 pm
First—eat lots of beans before shopping! 😉
November 23, 2012 at 6:43 am
No reason not to get some quality protein and fiber while developing a militaristic strategy!
November 21, 2012 at 6:06 pm
Umm…I think you’re forgetting something very important. Kids are also good for shoplifting. Nobody suspects them and if someone spots them pocketing loot, they can scurry away through the crowds a lot faster than adults.
November 23, 2012 at 6:44 am
And worst case scenario, you can explain, “Don’t worry sweetie, your record will be sealed when you turn 18!”
November 21, 2012 at 11:15 pm
What would we do without you..these are excellent tips.
i agree with you people think too much, one should just go and shop everything till the last cent and do whatever to stay ahead of other shoppers..i say push kill, learn karate or some kind of dangerous psycho moves( whatever keeps others away from you) but shop …may everyone be blessed with blackbelt in shopping
November 23, 2012 at 6:48 am
Hey! Haven’t heard from you in a while – nice to see you here.
And it’s true – the only true path to happiness and contentment is getting as much material goods as possible, as fast as possible.
November 22, 2012 at 3:21 am
I worked retail for years and this is just a PTSD flashback.
November 23, 2012 at 6:48 am
I worked retail for a while, but never the day after Thanksgiving… how did I manage that? Huh.
November 22, 2012 at 4:37 am
I don’t know whether to laugh, cry or send this to all my friends who will be leaving directly after dinner to camp in front of their favorite stores.
November 23, 2012 at 6:49 am
I say forward it to them and see who doesn’t realize I’m kidding.
November 23, 2012 at 9:27 am
Off it went to the land of cyberspace
November 23, 2012 at 4:54 am
I’m quite certain that many of our shoppers have already read your tips, particularly No.’s 1 and 4. That’s why I’m staying home. Agoraphobia is well worth the money I didn’t save (didn’t spend?).
November 23, 2012 at 6:50 am
You do have to wonder who out there is so fanatic they wear adult diapers or something equivalent. I bet there’s statistics on that somewhere.
November 23, 2012 at 7:08 am
No doubt. I can understand wearing a diaper for flying a sailplane (we all did it, because only the guys could use “the bucket”…don’t ask), but for shopping?
PS — I think one of my comments might have gotten stuck in your spam folder. My bad. I linked to a couple of YouTube videos (your tribute band post). Sorry!
November 23, 2012 at 9:03 am
I think it’s fun to urinate in the ‘Floor-Dry’ section.
If… you know… your Christmas shopping destination… has… a… Floor-Dry… section.
November 25, 2012 at 8:04 pm
Cantankerous, very-not-funny Angie commenting here. I let her out once in a while. I hate Black Friday and holiday commercialism in general. I’ll never forget how in my city three Black Fridays ago, a trampede occurred in a shopping mall over free holiday mugs that contained 10% off coupons. Children had to climb on tables to be safe, a man was thrown from his wheelchair. BUT apparently a few mugs contained 50 and 75% off coupons. Because that would’ve made it worth it.
Meanwhile, on the same day across town, 200-some homeless people stood in line for a free meal. No one cut, no one pushed, and they patiently waited for perhaps their only meal of the day.
Now excuse me while I go throw myself off a building.