Please Hire Me To Be A Twisty Human Car Model

March 25, 2013

Please Hire Me...

Ah, I see that you, Australian artist Emma hack, are working on another “automobile made of painted people.”  There’s also those Canadian Ford ads doing something similar.

Emma Hack's work... Byronic Man, sadly, not pictured.

Emma Hack’s work… Byronic Man, sadly, not pictured.

Tough stuff, getting the right people for something like that.  Got to go for the top tier of models.  Sure, the people you got for the previous one did pretty well, but really, I think you owe it to yourself to please hire me to a model in your next car creation.


People frequently tell me I have a distinctly “vehicular” quality.  Or, as the French say, a certain “Je ne sais car.”

I have a lot of blue body paint sitting in the closet after a failed attempt to dress up as Picasso’s “Blue Period” for Halloween kept getting confused for the Blue Man Group, Tobias Funkë, and “Increasingly Snippy Smurf.”

I’m incredibly limber.  In fact, just the other day after someone took cuts in front of me at the grocery store check out and I didn’t say anything, someone remarked that it almost seemed as if I didn’t have a spine at all!

The urge to squeeze the breast of a female model who’s being the steering wheel and say “honk honk!” has to be just unimaginable.  I am incredibly disciplined and can guarantee you a 70% probability that I won’t do that.

"rrrrrrrrrrRRRRR!  RRrrrrrrrrrrRRRR!"  See?  I can even do the gears changing.

“rrrrrrrrrrRRRRR! UH-rrrrrrrrrrRRRR!” See? I can even do the gears changing.

I can make really good car noises if that ‘s part of the deal.  Also a spot-on light-saber sound.  I know that’s not directly relevant, but I’m just saying.

I know a lot of car parts.  Some Twisty Human Car Models, you say, “Be the bumper” and they’re all, “What’s that?”  I even know some obscure ones.  Like “axle” is a thing that’s on a car.

I imagine this requires a lot of patience, lying still in these shapes.  I practice lying still for – sometimes – 8 hours at a time in a deep, meditative state.  Well, okay, a lot less since the baby is born; but let’s just say I am primed to get back in to lying still for as long as needed.

I await your call.

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About The Byronic Man

Recently voted "The Best Humor Site in America That I, Personally, Write," The Byronic Man is sometimes fiction, but sometimes autobiography. And sometimes cultural criticism. Oh, and occasionally reviews. Okay, it's all those different things, but always humorous. Except on the occasions that it's not. Ah, geez. Look, it's a lot of things, okay? You might like it, is the point.

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51 Comments on “Please Hire Me To Be A Twisty Human Car Model”

  1. Life With The Top Down Says:

    That is pretty much one of the coolest pieces of art ever…it’s amazing. I certainly hope you hear from Emma soon….it would be her loss.


    • The Byronic Man Says:

      Apparently it was for an Australian auto-safety campaign. It’s a great idea. I don’t know how effective it would be, unless people are fooled in to thinking cars are, in fact, made out of people, but from an artistic perspective, I approve.


  2. rossmurray1 Says:

    Job search not going well?


  3. musingsoftheamusingmuse Says:

    Good Luck! I hope she contacts you (put a good word in for a fellow model??)!


  4. Go Jules Go Says:

    I stared at that first picture for a full minute. Amazing.

    I’d pay you to imitate the noises my car makes! …Did I mention it has 125,000+ miles on it?


    • The Byronic Man Says:

      That’s one of my favorite parts of “Car Talk;” when people try to imitate the sound their car is making.

      Right now our refrigerator is making a sound that – if it came from a human – would mean something like, “Someone has impaled me on a shovel. Please call an ambulance. Thank you.”


  5. mairedubhtx Says:

    Those are just bizarre. Cool, but bizarre.


  6. mistyslaws Says:

    The way the state of my rear end is going (ever enlargening), I could be the ENTIRE bumber. So, yeah . . . let’s do this thing, B!!


  7. Elyse Says:

    You know, if this modeling thing doesn’t pan out, you can hire yourself to go to the repairshop with women and make the noice that their car made yesterday that it stops making when it gets to the shop. I’d bet there’s big money in that job in the right neighborhoods.


  8. silkpurseproductions Says:

    I think you should guarantee an 80% probability of not squeezing the lady steering wheel’s boob. You will have a much better chance of making the cut.


  9. She's a Maineiac Says:

    I really shouldn’t have read the breast/steering wheel thing while drinking coffee.

    I could be a bumper too, one that’s been knocked clean off the car and is now laying on a couch, sipping wine and watching TV for hours on end.

    God, I really, really hope there is more Blue Man Group in the upcoming Arrested Development. good stuff.


    • The Byronic Man Says:

      “Why are you sitting on the couch playing video games?” “I’m the spare tire, so I’m not needed.”

      And I wonder if they’ll get Blue Man Group stuff in there. On one hand, how could they? On the other hand, how could they not? On the third hand, David Cross hasn’t really gotten more svelt in the years since AD…


  10. pegoleg Says:

    You’ve convinced us. Let me see your impression of a windshield.


  11. rachelocal Says:

    I feel bad for the person toward the back of the car that just got painted mostly white and sat on the floor. I imagine he woke up that morning anticipating hours of reclining on top of a blue female model. Poor guy.


  12. Blogdramedy Says:

    Heading to Italy in April…I hear the driving is intense. Want to be my hood ornament?


  13. thefoodandwinehedonist Says:

    Can u put in a good word for me? I’m hereby volunteering for gas pump model. Snicker snicker


  14. List of X Says:

    Ah, that must be what they call a “car pool”…


  15. Soma Mukherjee Says:

    There goes another cool job in your pocket..sigh
    and we are stuck with call centers yikes


  16. Lorna's Voice Says:

    Shucks! I just spent a ton of money on make-up and some swanky duds. My modeling career is over before it began because I didn’t notice the “car” in “career.” 😦


  17. Eagle Tech Says:

    You may have to jump into this car modeling market soon. Circ du Soleil members might take all the positions.


    • The Byronic Man Says:

      Those Cirque di Soleil jerks are constantly stomping on my career plans. My small business where I come to your house in an insect costume and ride a flaming bicycle? Ruined. My dream of performing a waltz on a trampoline made of sad memories while dressed as a homeless clown? Stolen.

      Cirque du Soleil… Don’t even get me started…


  18. Every Record Tells A Story Says:

    Was this post just an excuse to use the “Je ne sais car” gag? If so, nice one….


    • The Byronic Man Says:

      You know, it’s funny, because that was actually an afterthought, but as soon as I wrote it, I thought, “If I read this, I’d think the author came up with ‘je ne sais car’ first and was looking for an excuse to use it.”


  19. Angie Z. Says:

    Pretty sure I will have nightmares tonight that will rival those I had after watching the cartoon car scene from Roger Rabbit.


  20. Laura Says:

    I hope you get the job — just stay out of the crumple zone.


  21. Sandy Sue Says:

    Spineless. Such an attribute! And if Emma and Ford don’t work out, you can always try Toyota. Be the spineless wisp of cloud on the right.


  22. The Dang Yankee Says:

    I think that there might be a future for me in the gas tank department.


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