Ah, I see that you, Australian artist Emma hack, are working on another “automobile made of painted people.” There’s also those Canadian Ford ads doing something similar.
Emma Hack’s work… Byronic Man, sadly, not pictured.
Tough stuff, getting the right people for something like that. Got to go for the top tier of models. Sure, the people you got for the previous one did pretty well, but really, I think you owe it to yourself to please hire me to a model in your next car creation.
Why?
People frequently tell me I have a distinctly “vehicular” quality. Or, as the French say, a certain “Je ne sais car.”
I have a lot of blue body paint sitting in the closet after a failed attempt to dress up as Picasso’s “Blue Period” for Halloween kept getting confused for the Blue Man Group, Tobias Funkë, and “Increasingly Snippy Smurf.”
I’m incredibly limber. In fact, just the other day after someone took cuts in front of me at the grocery store check out and I didn’t say anything, someone remarked that it almost seemed as if I didn’t have a spine at all!
The urge to squeeze the breast of a female model who’s being the steering wheel and say “honk honk!” has to be just unimaginable. I am incredibly disciplined and can guarantee you a 70% probability that I won’t do that.
“rrrrrrrrrrRRRRR! UH-rrrrrrrrrrRRRR!” See? I can even do the gears changing.
I can make really good car noises if that ‘s part of the deal. Also a spot-on light-saber sound. I know that’s not directly relevant, but I’m just saying.
I know a lot of car parts. Some Twisty Human Car Models, you say, “Be the bumper” and they’re all, “What’s that?” I even know some obscure ones. Like “axle” is a thing that’s on a car.
I imagine this requires a lot of patience, lying still in these shapes. I practice lying still for – sometimes – 8 hours at a time in a deep, meditative state. Well, okay, a lot less since the baby is born; but let’s just say I am primed to get back in to lying still for as long as needed.
I await your call.
The Byronic Man 
March 25, 2013 at 3:52 am
That is pretty much one of the coolest pieces of art ever…it’s amazing. I certainly hope you hear from Emma soon….it would be her loss.
March 25, 2013 at 11:49 am
Apparently it was for an Australian auto-safety campaign. It’s a great idea. I don’t know how effective it would be, unless people are fooled in to thinking cars are, in fact, made out of people, but from an artistic perspective, I approve.
March 25, 2013 at 3:54 am
Job search not going well?
March 25, 2013 at 11:49 am
I’m always on the look-out for more jobs.
March 25, 2013 at 4:36 am
Good Luck! I hope she contacts you (put a good word in for a fellow model??)!
March 25, 2013 at 11:50 am
Actually, it’s mostly been slander and character-assassination. But as soon as I’m hired, then it’ll be nothing but positive words.
March 25, 2013 at 4:54 am
I stared at that first picture for a full minute. Amazing.
I’d pay you to imitate the noises my car makes! …Did I mention it has 125,000+ miles on it?
March 25, 2013 at 11:52 am
That’s one of my favorite parts of “Car Talk;” when people try to imitate the sound their car is making.
Right now our refrigerator is making a sound that – if it came from a human – would mean something like, “Someone has impaled me on a shovel. Please call an ambulance. Thank you.”
March 25, 2013 at 5:35 am
Those are just bizarre. Cool, but bizarre.
March 25, 2013 at 11:55 am
I agree. Seems like there’s a lot of variation you could do with it, too.
March 25, 2013 at 5:52 am
The way the state of my rear end is going (ever enlargening), I could be the ENTIRE bumber. So, yeah . . . let’s do this thing, B!!
March 25, 2013 at 11:57 am
I wonder how careful they are with that sort of thing? “We’d like your ass to be the entire trunk. Sorry.”
March 25, 2013 at 6:10 am
You know, if this modeling thing doesn’t pan out, you can hire yourself to go to the repairshop with women and make the noice that their car made yesterday that it stops making when it gets to the shop. I’d bet there’s big money in that job in the right neighborhoods.
March 25, 2013 at 6:59 am
haha! You should be a guidance counselor, Elyse.
March 25, 2013 at 7:21 am
! There’s TONS of money in that!
March 25, 2013 at 7:24 am
Yeah, my youngest just changed her major to social work because that’s what she wants to do. Ah well, it’s good to help people, right? But it means it will be all up to her sister to support us in our old age.
March 25, 2013 at 11:58 am
Good idea! I know that if I had a repair shop, I’d secretly record people when they come in to explain what’s wrong, and play all the “sound effects” in a mash-up at the Christmas party.
March 25, 2013 at 12:38 pm
You’d be such a hit. Until someone shot you for being a wise-ass, that is!
March 25, 2013 at 6:15 am
I think you should guarantee an 80% probability of not squeezing the lady steering wheel’s boob. You will have a much better chance of making the cut.
March 25, 2013 at 11:59 am
Mmmmm… can’t quite do that, but I could probably guarantee a 60% likelihood of there being an 80% probability.
March 25, 2013 at 6:19 am
I really shouldn’t have read the breast/steering wheel thing while drinking coffee.
I could be a bumper too, one that’s been knocked clean off the car and is now laying on a couch, sipping wine and watching TV for hours on end.
God, I really, really hope there is more Blue Man Group in the upcoming Arrested Development. good stuff.
March 25, 2013 at 12:03 pm
“Why are you sitting on the couch playing video games?” “I’m the spare tire, so I’m not needed.”
And I wonder if they’ll get Blue Man Group stuff in there. On one hand, how could they? On the other hand, how could they not? On the third hand, David Cross hasn’t really gotten more svelt in the years since AD…
March 25, 2013 at 6:59 am
You’ve convinced us. Let me see your impression of a windshield.
March 25, 2013 at 12:04 pm
It mostly involves me hiding behind the furniture in order to be invisible. Still billable as labor, though.
March 25, 2013 at 2:03 pm
Now be the bug.
March 25, 2013 at 7:30 am
I feel bad for the person toward the back of the car that just got painted mostly white and sat on the floor. I imagine he woke up that morning anticipating hours of reclining on top of a blue female model. Poor guy.
March 25, 2013 at 12:06 pm
“So, yeah, listen. Um, the female models are concerned about your smell. Also you seem to have a vibe that they identify with people who go through the drive-thru without pants on and people who do Google searches for things like ‘young girl gypsy sex.’ You’re going to be on the floor at the back of the car.”
March 25, 2013 at 3:28 pm
That search term sounds so familiar… Were they also looking for strippers covered in ketchup?
March 25, 2013 at 4:14 pm
Ha! I wondered if you’d see that.
And no: the “ketchup” people need to be locked up, with a team of psychiatrists working around the clock.
March 25, 2013 at 6:10 pm
I hope that ketchup is high fructose corn syrup free!
March 25, 2013 at 7:43 am
Heading to Italy in April…I hear the driving is intense. Want to be my hood ornament?
March 25, 2013 at 12:07 pm
There’s a interesting documentary about driving conditions in Italy, called “The Road Warrior.”
March 25, 2013 at 8:24 am
Can u put in a good word for me? I’m hereby volunteering for gas pump model. Snicker snicker
March 25, 2013 at 12:08 pm
You can just imagine the pick-up lines at that photo-shoot, can’t you?
I’ll see what I can do, though.
March 25, 2013 at 9:52 am
Ah, that must be what they call a “car pool”…
March 25, 2013 at 12:09 pm
“This lane reserved for vehicles made entirely of people; 12 or more.”
March 25, 2013 at 11:43 am
There goes another cool job in your pocket..sigh
and we are stuck with call centers yikes
March 25, 2013 at 12:09 pm
Once I have all the jobs, I’ll start my own employment service!
March 25, 2013 at 12:51 pm
Shucks! I just spent a ton of money on make-up and some swanky duds. My modeling career is over before it began because I didn’t notice the “car” in “career.” 😦
March 25, 2013 at 4:21 pm
Still time to be a “phonetic ear model”! Lots of demand there, not much supply.
March 25, 2013 at 2:20 pm
You may have to jump into this car modeling market soon. Circ du Soleil members might take all the positions.
March 25, 2013 at 4:20 pm
Those Cirque di Soleil jerks are constantly stomping on my career plans. My small business where I come to your house in an insect costume and ride a flaming bicycle? Ruined. My dream of performing a waltz on a trampoline made of sad memories while dressed as a homeless clown? Stolen.
Cirque du Soleil… Don’t even get me started…
March 25, 2013 at 4:44 pm
Those fiends!
March 26, 2013 at 1:25 am
“My dream of performing a waltz on a trampoline made of sad memories while dressed as a homeless clown? Stolen.”
This is truly the epitome of a comment reply, B-Man. Your replies could be entire posts unto themselves!
March 25, 2013 at 3:18 pm
Was this post just an excuse to use the “Je ne sais car” gag? If so, nice one….
March 25, 2013 at 3:34 pm
You know, it’s funny, because that was actually an afterthought, but as soon as I wrote it, I thought, “If I read this, I’d think the author came up with ‘je ne sais car’ first and was looking for an excuse to use it.”
March 25, 2013 at 5:47 pm
Pretty sure I will have nightmares tonight that will rival those I had after watching the cartoon car scene from Roger Rabbit.
March 25, 2013 at 7:43 pm
I hope you get the job — just stay out of the crumple zone.
March 26, 2013 at 8:40 am
Spineless. Such an attribute! And if Emma and Ford don’t work out, you can always try Toyota. Be the spineless wisp of cloud on the right.
March 31, 2013 at 8:23 pm
I think that there might be a future for me in the gas tank department.
May 2, 2013 at 8:51 am
Reblogged this on lilahswanson.