Wow, all these superhero movies. They’re everywhere aren’t they? And they just keep being wildly popular. But these superhero movies… they’re lacking something… a certain je ne sais quoi… well, actually, I do sais quoi: they’re lacking me!
Yes, the time has come for a Byronic Man superhero movie. And not just because the name sounds like a superhero (though, seriously, isn’t that enough?), but for so, so many reasons.
But why should you, please, hire me to be your movie superhero?
I’m versatile. Maybe it’s all about being gritty and serious. Maybe you want a more lighthearted “quippy” hero. I can do whatever. So, let’s say some villain says, “I shall rule this world with an iron fist!” I can reply “You will be no more than dust” if you want full gritty; or with a more whimsical, “Maybe they’ll let you rule the laundry room at San Quentin.” Whichever suits your needs.
An interesting back story. As a child, I worked hard to be shy and mild-mannered. Then something dramatic happened. Oh, how dramatic. And I made sure that the event was one that would fuel my insatiable quest for justice. It transformed me and haunts me in a way that shows up in flashbacks.
From superhero movies, I know that people are constantly trying to destroy the planet, for some reason. Anything less than that is waste of superhero time. So I won’t let myself be distracted by natural disasters, terrorism, famine, human trafficking, or villains who are just committing boring old genocide. Got to stay fresh for the next apocalypse!
I will make sure to destroy every building and recognizable landmark I see in pursuit of the bad guys. Even if I have to make a side trip. Villain’s in Ethiopia? Heck, Egypt’s just up the road! Let’s go smash some pyramids!
I’ve already picked out the piece of music to play during my training montage.
I’m constantly doing wildly dangerous science experiments. That way, when they go horribly wrong, they not only either create a super-villain or mutate me, they give me some handy guilt to fuel my quest.
I also frequently invite my close friends over to see these science experiments, increasing the likelihood that they’ll get mutated and so my closest friend becomes… my greatest enemy.
As a kid, I really thought that the reason there were no superheroes was because as people grew up they stopped believing it was possible, and I promised myself I would never quit believing I could be a superhero. Did I keep believing? Did it work? Or is it just a heartbreaking example of how the infinite optimism of youth withers under the weight of grizzled maturity? One way to find out!