I’d been pretty on the fence about what to think of all this NSA surveillance, and then I heard someone make the most logical point I’ve ever heard: he reasoned that the NSA says it’s stopped 50 terrorist attacks. Then he pointed out that 3,000 people died in the 9/11 attacks. Thus, ergo, Quad Erat Demonstrandum, duh – NSA surveillance has saved 150,000 lives. Bolstered by iron-clad syllogisms like that, I’ve decided to not only support ongoing surveillance, but to get involved!
And there are many reasons for you to, please, hire me to wiretap America’s emails and phone calls. Such as…
Which it’s not.
You know those people who label every single email as “urgent”? And you’re like, “Come on, seriously. They can’t all be urgent. And this is an email about a staff get-together, for God’s sake, not which wire to cut to keep a bomb from going off. I mean get over yourself.” Anyway, when that person sends you an email, I’ll add a little attachment that let’s you know if it’s actually urgent.
When kids do that thing on the phone where they go, “You hang up first.” “No, you hang up first!” “No, you…!” I’ll disconnect them. Both so you don’t have to hear them, and also to make them think the other person just hung up.
Seriously. Snowden. How hard would it be to snap a quick self-portrait? America’s going to turn on you because they’re tired of this photo.
If I do decide to leak stuff to the press? I’ll make sure there’s more than one photo of me.
I’ll add “psychological terrorist” to my targets. By whom I mean, of course, phone solicitors. And I’ll be efficient, because I won’t have to listen for key words and phrases. As soon as there’s that little pause between when you say hello and when they start talking – boom, gotcha. **Side note: this is also why, should you ever call me, you need to start talking immediately, or I’ll hang up on you and then when you call back I’ll act like I don’t know what happened.**
I wouldn’t be above a little matchmaking, should I be wiretapping a couple of lonely souls who I think should get together. I see no reason why NSA can’t stand for “Need Some Affection?”
I look forward to listening on your call to get hired.
The Byronic Man 
June 25, 2013 at 3:04 am
Awesome……..Just Awesome Share.I love it.Looking forward for more.Alex,Thanks.
June 25, 2013 at 3:44 am
Once I found out I could be wiretapped, I started to spice things up a tad in email to help the NSA get through the exciting emails they must be reading. Sounds like reading a long boring book with no end to me. I`ll stick to crossing guard for my excitement.
June 25, 2013 at 4:30 am
Every time I see his photo I think the same thing. Good lord,man! Go to Glamour shots, give us something, anything!
Wiretapping isn’t like it used to be in 1980 when my older brothers would listen to my private conversations from the other line and I’d hear that telltale click and maniacal giggling.
June 25, 2013 at 4:37 am
We need to go back to the 80’s style tapping, Dar. It would brighten the lives of lonely seniors everywhere.
June 25, 2013 at 4:42 am
It would brighten mine for sure, Shan. It was a simpler time then. Sigh.
June 25, 2013 at 6:43 am
The giggling would be a nice touch, at the very least. Maybe that’s why there’s no other pics of Snowden – he’s giggling like a schoolgirl in all of them.
June 26, 2013 at 10:28 pm
Actually, there are glamour shots of Snowden out there. He’s done some modeling.
June 25, 2013 at 4:55 am
How would you keep yourself from dying of boredom? I know nothing worth paying attention comes through my email or phone calls that would even warrant staying awake. I suspect I am not the only one.
June 25, 2013 at 6:45 am
Mostly by hanging up on people I think are boring, and messing with people. Asking what they meant by “don’t forget you have a dentist appointment”. Is that some kind of terrorist CODE, madam?? And so forth.
June 25, 2013 at 6:50 am
I can see how that could prove to be entertaining. Hopefully, you can devise a list of Byromaniacs that you will not torment. Please put me on that list.
June 25, 2013 at 6:54 am
Oh, that’s a good idea: a “Do Not Wiretap” list! There can be a “Are You A Terrorist?” box, just in case.
June 25, 2013 at 3:06 pm
This would give me a civil service excuse to call pr0n lines and start sexting strangers, just to liven up the otherwise-boring existences of the poor sods assigned to monitor my ever-so-pure electronic life. Right?
Riiiight?
Aww, come on, pleeease?
June 25, 2013 at 5:20 am
Thanks. Thanks a lot. Now I’m going to spend the rest of my day making up new acronyms for NSA.
Not Sneaky, A’ight?
Need Spellcheck, A-hole
Never Send Apologies
See what you’ve done?
June 25, 2013 at 5:54 am
National Stormtrooper Armada.
Nocturnal Soliloquy Affair.
No Saints Allowed.
BAH!
June 25, 2013 at 6:20 am
Never Surrender Arms
Naughty Sultry Analysts
Night Surveillance Animals
Never Say Always
No Sanity Allowed
You’re right, Jules . . . all freaking day. I’m not getting any work done today, am I?
June 25, 2013 at 6:50 am
You know that’s a drinking game at the Federal Spook Christmas party.
“Noisy, Striped Armadillos! Ha ha ha ha!”
“Closet iPod Adorers! Hee hee!”
“Non-Stop.. uh…uh…”
“DRINK!!”
June 25, 2013 at 3:08 pm
Bingo!
June 25, 2013 at 5:34 am
You should also offer to jump into the calls and tell those pesky kids that you have no intention of letting Sir Walter Raleigh out of his can. Also, while I have you on the line, do you know if your refrigerator is running?
June 25, 2013 at 6:51 am
I’d like to freak the kids out by cutting in with, “Yes sir! Gentlemen, we’ve been given the code! Operation: Refrigerator is running! This is not a drill! You have 6 minutes to call your loved ones!” And then hang up.
June 25, 2013 at 3:09 pm
MUAHahahaaahaaaa! Brilliant!
June 25, 2013 at 5:59 am
You could monitor my phone calls BEFORE I answer them and I wouldn’t need an answering machine. I’d know who was calling and if I wanted to talk to them. Most of them are telemarketers or bill collectors anyway. You could intercept them. That would be cool.
June 25, 2013 at 6:53 am
A lot more people would support this if they did that.
“Let’s see, I deleted all those emails offering vacation coupons – you know those are BS – and, um, your mom called. No big, she’s just mad that you never call. And, um…”
June 25, 2013 at 6:22 am
“I’ll make sure there’s more than one photo of me.”
I feel like I can offer to hire you personally, since I live near the CIA. B-Man, you’re hired!
June 25, 2013 at 6:55 am
“Near” the CIA… I read you loud & clear… *Wink*
June 25, 2013 at 9:50 am
If you tell anyone that I am actually Dick Cheney, you’re fired.
June 25, 2013 at 7:05 am
Not Secret Anymore
Next Stop: Authoritarian
Naive, Scared Americans
June 25, 2013 at 7:24 am
You know what’s worse than an email marked, “Urgent”? When the sender requests a “read receipt.” I’m always like, “Nope, I would not like you to know if I read that email. Ever. And stop telling me what to do.” So yeah, I have problems with the NSA (which stands for Not So Awesome in my head).
June 25, 2013 at 7:27 am
Wow. The last time I was bolstered by iron-clad syllogism I ended up in traction for a week.
June 25, 2013 at 9:49 am
There’s a guy in my office who puts the red exclamation mark next to every single email and then writes URGENT in the subject line. Every. Single. One.
I’d pay you a lot of cold hard cash in small unmarked bills if you could, uh, do “something” to make him stop.
June 25, 2013 at 3:28 pm
What do people who do that think they’re accomplishing? Really. Do they think everyone believes it’s all urgent? Do they actually believe their emails are all urgent? More urgent than other people’s?
June 25, 2013 at 12:28 pm
Brilliant!!
June 25, 2013 at 2:57 pm
I’m much too boring to be wiretapped, but I am excited about you becoming a tapper. I would fall asleep too easily, or be inclined to say “BORING” during a covert call. I like that matchmaking idea…add some human interest to the NSA.
June 25, 2013 at 4:22 pm
Actually, having the NSA provide match-making services makes perfect sense, since they could find you someone with the same background, education, sexual orientation, work experience, etc. in no time…after all, they have all that info already!
June 25, 2013 at 5:00 pm
Ever since this story broke I thought 2 things. One: I want that job! So get in line B-man. I have experience in listening in on people via the baby monitor (it’s addicting) Secondly, I feel pressured to step-up my calls. I don’t want to be the talked about in the lunch room “Oh, I heard the worst call today” (shivers)
June 25, 2013 at 9:45 pm
thanks for the laugh… you know maybe if they did this stuff then it wouldn’t bother me so much… but seriously they say they stopped 50 terrorist attacks… don’t you think we would’ve heard of it… Like hey America we just saved you again… oh yeah we’re awesome… whatev… it’s all cray cray…
June 26, 2013 at 10:52 am
All of this wiretapping news business comes at exactly the worst time for our family, since my 26-year-old bipolar 2 son is in one of his “conspiracy theory” moods. And by “mood” I mean mania. Prior to this, our only BIG worry was that I had to buy his 12-packs at the local Kwik Trip and was not allowed to hand them off to him once back in the car, courtesy of security cameras mounted outside the store. Now, I have to keep all my calls to him short and in code. Thanks a lot whatever-your-name-is Snowden guy.
June 26, 2013 at 1:44 pm
Could you also delete all the erroneous bullshit and signatures my manager sends when she forwards me an email that has already been forwarded about 20 times prior to her receiving it? Because if so then you’ve got the job.
(You know, i’m not entirely sure that erroneous means what i think it means, but I’m going to leave it in without checking on google because i like living life on the edge)
June 26, 2013 at 6:52 pm
I have a mental image of wire-tapping telephone conversations of adolescent girls. Which unlucky soul gets that detail?
June 26, 2013 at 10:29 pm
You could also use your teaching experience to correct people’s grammar as they speak.
June 28, 2013 at 6:15 pm
Brilliant! If someone can cut into my daughter’s calls and correct her every time she uses ‘like’ instead of as, ‘like’ to start a sentence, ‘like’ to end a sentence…. Dammit man just replace all the likes! I will absolutely pay for that.
June 27, 2013 at 10:53 am
Sorry, they already hired me. Now about that download you made last week…
July 1, 2013 at 5:52 pm
I would like to thank Edward Snowden and the Obama administration (and preceding administrations) for bolstering my mother’s harebrained political theories slash illogical certainties. Like I needed this. Dear NSA: please stop spying on people so my mother will shut up. Thanks.
July 3, 2013 at 6:19 am
Need some affection? Can I just order that please without all the other sideshows 😉
July 10, 2013 at 5:54 pm
Going for that lucrative government outsourcing loot, huh? Think anyone will fire Booz Allen Hamilton over this? Know who their shareholders are?
Oh, you were joking! Never mind.