Please Hire Me To Be Your Lawyer

January 24, 2013

Humor, Please Hire Me...

I’ve been looking over your case and, I have to tell you, I think it looks very strong.  With my help, not only will you be hailed as a hero, but we’ll both get very rich.

Ah, but perhaps I’m getting ahead of myself.  I know there are lawyers just everywhere, so why, you might reasonably wonder, should you please hire me to be your lawyer?

A lot of attorneys “specialize.”  This is just lawyer-speak for “I’m only good at one thing.”  Prosecution, defense, corporate, tax – I’m as skilled in every aspect of law as I am in every other; that’s my guarantee.

I know a lot a tricks to get people to confess.  For example, sometimes I’ll quietly mutter, “Murderersayswhat?” And then when they say, “What?” BOOM.  Court adjourned.

Ah, a classic episode of "Will They v. Won't They."

Oh, a classic episode of “Will They v. Won’t They.”

I refer to things as “____ v. ____.”   All things.  “Superbowl XLVII”?  Gibberish.   I call it “Raven v. Niner.”  When I go to a restaurant I argue “soup v. salad.”  I call the Beatles’ White Album “Quality v. Quantity.”  The Star Wars trilogy? “Jedi v. Sith.”

Ah, you’re saying, “Wait, trilogy?  There were 6 Star Wars films, with plans for more.”  Wrong.  I didn’t go after Lucasfilm or Disney (because I’m not an idiot – another reason I’d make a good lawyer), but I did successfully sue my brain into erasing my awareness of the prequels.

Every time I walk in to a room where you are, I will slam my briefcase down and say, “Don’t say another word!” and then make everyone else leave.

I’ll never urge you take a plea.  Even if there’s video footage of you on a school bus trying to sell heroin to the kids, and they offer to reduce the charge to Vending Without A Permit, I’ll insist we go to trial.

You may wonder where I got my law degree.  The University of Life, my friend.  The University of Life.

They weren't snoring?  Well, you're no coroner! You reasonably thought they were already dead!

They weren’t snoring? Well, you’re no coroner! You reasonably thought they were already dead!  Is it a CRIME to bludgeon a corpse?  Oh, it is?

No matter what you’ve been accused of, I will make you think you’re not only innocent, but a national treasure.  Murdered someone in their sleep?  Were they snoring?  You were provoked.  Dumping toxic waste in the oceans and now whales are extinct and crabs are 800 pounds? Why, you’ve ended commercial whaling AND helped solve the world hunger problem!  Arguing to the Supreme Court that corporations are people and should be allowed to anonymously donate unlimited money to political campaigns?  Uh… uhhhh… hm… come back to me on that one.  Et sequentia.

I can throw Latin terms in to conversation.

I will make every dealing with me wildly exciting.  If we go to trial, I’ll make sure it goes horribly up until the last minute and then POW with the surprise witness/evidence/what-have-you.

Buh duh BWAAAA buh BWAMP.   Buh duh BWAAA buh BWAMP!  Buh duh bwah buh BWAH, buh bwah buh bwah...

Buh duh BWAAAA buh BWAMP. Buh duh BWAAA buh BWAMP! Buh duh bwah buh BWAH, buh bwah buh bwah…

I know the theme music to practically every lawyer TV show and can sing it to you on demand.

Even if it’s not a court case, and you’re, say, just having me draw up a will, I’ll find a way to make it exciting.  Maybe I’ll randomly leave one of your kids out of the will.  Maybe I’ll stipulate that the only way to claim inheritance is to be buried with the body for 36 hours.  Who knows!?  Just know it will be exciting.

I found a bunch of brown books that are all the same height on eBay and they should be here any day.

I don't know.  Dictionaries?  Encyclopedias?

I don’t know.  Dictionaries?  Catalogues?

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About The Byronic Man

Recently voted "The Best Humor Blog in America That I, Personally, Write," The Byronic Man is sometimes fiction, sometimes autobiography. And sometimes cultural criticism. Oh, and occasionally reviews. Okay, it's all those different things, but always humorous. Except on the occasions that it's not. Ah, geez. Look, it's a lot of things, okay? You might like it, is the point.

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71 Comments on “Please Hire Me To Be Your Lawyer”

  1. List of X Says:

    You seem very qualified, so who do I have to kill hire you as my lawyer? Also, if I do kill someone, I’d be looking at 20 to 40 years, can I pay you 1/3 of whatever I would get? Finally, how much will you charge for responding to my comment?

    Reply

  2. She's a Maineiac Says:

    Hot damn! I’d hire you, for sure. Just on the basis of your briefcase-slamming technique alone. Maybe you could teach me that one? I have a feeling it’d be handy around the kids…maybe my husband and I could have a full conversation again.
    (by the way, this post made me giggle so hard coffee shot out my nose–you, sir, are brilliant. I don’t know why but the Perry Mason photo/caption is killing me!)

    Reply

  3. rossmurray1 Says:

    If you can assure me that the surprise witness will be Carrot Top (every time!), you’re hired.

    Reply

  4. Michael Says:

    I’m actually IN law school, and I would hire you to be my lawyer.

    Reply

    • The Byronic Man Says:

      So you’re saying you’d like to forward this post to everyone you know in law school? Is that what you’re saying? Because if that’s what you’re saying, I’m okay with it.

      Reply

      • pithypants Says:

        Clever, Byronic Man. So clever that I can see a future Hire Me column pitching your skills as a publicist. Also? I might be clairvoyant or something. Maybe you could hire me to make predictions?

        Reply

  5. Go Jules Go Says:

    How can you even think about law show theme music when looking at a picture from Cheers?! (I think I want them to sing that song at my funeral. Right before my beneficiaries spend 24 hours [I decided to be lenient] in the coffin with me.)

    “I’m as skilled in every aspect of law as I am in every other; that’s my guarantee.” Heh heh heh

    I spent a disturbingly long period of my life fixated with getting barrister bookcases. Can I borrow your books?

    Reply

  6. Life With The Top Down Says:

    OMG! You would be the perfect Lawyer for those 2 fellows in NJ suing Subway because the foot long sub is really only 11 inches. Can you believe the deceit? The injustice of having that other inch withheld from all those who consumed the subs. Tragic, simply tragic. I’m sure they haven’t been able to work or have sexual relations ever since they measured that sub…their lives are probably in turmoil…they need you…even without the brown books.

    Reply

  7. Elyse Says:

    I deal with plaintiff’s lawyers all the time. You have the qualifications.

    Reply

  8. Tori Nelson Says:

    “BOOM. Court adjourned.” Please tell me this came with festive hand gestures? I think you sound plenty qualified.

    Reply

  9. thefoodandwinehedonist Says:

    Wait, you went to U of L, too? What year? I was in the Divinity program.

    Reply

  10. mairedubhtx Says:

    You have great qualifications. I may need you as my tax lawyers to deal with the IRS to tel them why I have no money to pay them my back taxes. They can’t get blood from a stone, right? That’s a legal principle, right? Tell me the truth, my lawyer.

    Reply

  11. pegoleg Says:

    I’m desperate to call you but I can’t find your 1-800-BAD (insert favorite class-action target du jour) phone number. Should I bring my own whiplash collar to the initial consultation?

    Reply

  12. Hippie Cahier Says:

    How are your legal research skills? Do you know how to use the Google yourself or will you be employing a team of associates and paralegals who bill hourly?

    Reply

    • The Byronic Man Says:

      Hourly?? How quaint. No, my team, who use a special version of Google that costs a lot of money (it’s nuclear powered and Google artisans hand-pick each search result), and we bill by 2-minute increments (including the time of the people calculating the billable dua-minutes).

      Reply

  13. Jackie Cangro Says:

    I like your tricks to getting people to confess. For a little variety you could also try the classic “That’s what she said”

    Sounds like a confession to me. Especially if the case involves an adulterer.

    Reply

  14. Lorna's Voice Says:

    Well, you make a compelling case for yourself, but I’d like to know how well-versed you are with each episode in all 20 seasons of Law and Order.

    Reply

  15. mistyslaws Says:

    I object!! And . . . I’m also suing you for copyright and trademark infringement, identity theft and plagerism!!

    Everyone knows that I am the ONLY lawyer out here on these bloggy interwebz and that no others are allowed to even perpetrate or insinuate that they are able to represent all of these peeps. For shame, B-man. If that even IS your real name.

    I’m gonna take you for all your worth. You better study up on those big brown books!

    Res Judicata!! Nunc Pro Tunc!! E Pluribus Unum!!

    Reply

    • The Byronic Man Says:

      Well, in vino veritas, cogito ergo sum. In other words, it only seems fair that the people have an alternative when they want a lawyer without all the fancy “degrees” and “experience” and “bar exams.”

      Reply

  16. twindaddy Says:

    How well can you ask questions you know you’re not allowed to ask and then go, “Withdrawn!!”?

    Reply

  17. Anka Says:

    Are you willing to work on your caseload during weekends? Or, does your firm explicitly state, “We do NOT work weekends, and thereby, do NOT provide emergency contact numbers?”

    Reply

  18. thesinglecell Says:

    two questions:
    When you enter a room, are you accompanied by the “bink bink!” sound from Law & Order?
    Does your voice in any way sound like Gregory Peck’s?

    Reply

  19. 1pointperspective Says:

    I object on principle. I don’t know what that means, but I’ve always wanted to type it in a blog comment. Your witness.

    Reply

  20. Audrey Says:

    Do you offer legal advise outside the courtroom? I need someone to help me make sure I don’t innocently commit any fashion crimes.

    Reply

  21. Eagle-Eyed Editor Says:

    The Marx Brothers mentioned a law firm called “Dewey, Cheatham and Howe” in one of their movies. Friends of yours?

    Reply

  22. on thehomefrontandbeyond Says:

    you are hired–I deleted the rest of what I was writing cause it was not nice–I think it was a diatribe about being involved in a lawsuit for the last eight years

    Reply

    • The Byronic Man Says:

      It’s a funny thing about lawyers – they’re essentially soldiers who fight in the legal realm. But soldiers fight for country, not for profit, a la mercenaries. Throughout history mercenaries have been a bad idea because it’s in their best interests to prolong the war in order to make more money… a problem we’ve not found a solution for in the legal realm.

      Reply

  23. Reheated Coffee Says:

    I’d like to hire to sue my brain into losing awareness of the Star Wars prequels as well. I’d also like to know what else you can sue my brain into not believing.

    Reply

  24. Madge Madigan Says:

    Works for me. Sold.

    Reply

  25. josefkul Says:

    I’m impressed. I particularly like your brief case slamming technique. What type of brief case do you use for greatest dramatic effect. Do you prefer Samsonite?

    I’m imagining your brief case entirely metal and handcuffed to your wrist for intimidation’s sake. There is nothing more intimidating than a brief case chained to your wrist. Especially when used as a weapon. It’s the executive equivalent of a nunchaku.

    Reply

  26. The Cutter Says:

    This is funny cause I really don’t like lawyers.

    Reply

  27. lawmrh Says:

    Eh, no more blogging?

    Reply

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