Wow, all these superhero movies. They’re everywhere aren’t they? And they just keep being wildly popular. But these superhero movies… they’re lacking something… a certain je ne sais quoi… well, actually, I do sais quoi: they’re lacking me! Yes, the time has come for a Byronic Man superhero movie. And not just because the name […]
Author Archives | The Byronic Man
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Recently voted "The Best Humor Site in America That I, Personally, Write," The Byronic Man is sometimes fiction, but sometimes autobiography. And sometimes cultural criticism. Oh, and occasionally reviews. Okay, it's all those different things, but always humorous. Except on the occasions that it's not. Ah, geez. Look, it's a lot of things, okay? You might like it, is the point.35 Years Ago, Mt. St. Helens Opened An Awe-Inspring, Majestic Can Of Whoop-Ass On Us
May 18, 2015
Today marks the 35-year anniversary of the eruption of Mt. St. Helens, in southern Washington State. What follows is a chronology of some of the more note-worthy moments: July 9, 38,000 BC – Mount St. Helens forms, beginning a devious plot to erupt and destroy the area towns. August 15, 1979 – As per the […]
I Now Pronounce You ‘Brain & Brain.’
May 11, 2015
I’ve decided that the courts need to not only allow, but perhaps even mandate, brains to marry one another. Why? Because of smoke alarm batteries. That isn’t clear? Oh. Let me explain. The other night, right about 3am, a battery in one of our smoke alarms went out. So, of course, it began its beeping, […]
Ah, Good Evening, Monsieur. May I Park Your Horrible Piece of Crap?
May 4, 2015
For the school where I work, this past weekend was prom – that magical night when a girl’s dreams come true. Assuming her dreams involve trying to walk in 5-inch heels, not eating your expensive dinner because the dress is too tight, and then listening to deafening music with a guy who thinks he’s the […]
A Father’s Wish For His Children
April 27, 2015
May my children have the strength to forgive those who treat them poorly. And may those who treat them poorly be granted understanding of their actions. And then may that understanding make them be driven blind with grief, and plunge them into insanity and despair forever. May my children have the skill and good fortune […]
What The World Needs Now, Is Signs, More Signs.
April 13, 2015
Sign posted in a hotel I stayed at recently: “HEY!” “WHAT?” “DO YOU SEE THAT RED THING ON THE WALL?” “THE THING THAT’S FLASHING?” “YEAH, WITH THE PIERCING HORN BLASTS COMING OUT OF IT. WHAT DO YOU THINK THAT IS?” “I DON’T KNOW. IS IT FOR PAGING SOMEONE?” “WELL, IT SAYS ‘FIRE’ ON IT.” “RIGHT, […]
*Note To Self: Think Of Hilarious, Poignant Title About “Reawakening”
April 6, 2015
I have returned! Yes, I have awoken from a long, dormant slumber, like… like… shoot. Surely there must be some analogy appropriate to the moment for emerging with new life after a season of cold silence… hm. I’ve returned like a thing that wakes up as symbolism for rejuvenation. A bear? Muhammed Ali in the “rope-a-dope” […]
Operation: Dessert Storm
December 1, 2014
It will be a great day when schools have all the funding they need, and the military has to hold a bake sale to buy a new bomber. – bumper sticker. Excuse me, sir? Sir? Would you be interested in some shortbread? Lemon bar? The lemon bars are fresh, sir; why, private Williams here got them […]
The Byronic Man 
May 25, 2015
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