Author Archives | The Byronic Man

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Recently voted "The Best Humor Blog in America That I, Personally, Write," The Byronic Man is sometimes fiction, sometimes autobiography. And sometimes cultural criticism. Oh, and occasionally reviews. Okay, it's all those different things, but always humorous. Except on the occasions that it's not. Ah, geez. Look, it's a lot of things, okay? You might like it, is the point.

17 New Year’s Resolutions For 2017:

January 1, 2017


Resolutions For 2017 1. Eat entire sandwich, get “I finished the Heart-Buster” shirt and face on Wall Of Fame. 2. Finish “Resolutions For 2016” (note to self – probably exclude #3: Finish “Resolutions For 2015”). 3. Learn in-laws’ names. 4. Say “President Trump” out loud without getting vertigo, shaking and/or suddenly thinking I smell burnt toast. […]

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What’s Hot & What’s Not This Summer!

June 9, 2016


Most popular cocktails for summer Mojito Cosmopolitan Margarita Least popular cocktails for summer Brocco-tini Beef Nog Listerine & Tonic Most popular ice cream flavors Vanilla Chocolate Butter Pecan Least popular ice cream flavors Chutney Fudge Swirl Uncooked Pork Explosion Ben & Jerry’s “Does This Smell Like It’s Gone Bad To You?” Most popular family vacation […]

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Byronic Man 2016: A Candidate He, Personally, Can Believe In

March 14, 2016


So this year’s presidential campaign is obviously insane.  I think we all keep waiting for it to get sane, and the waiting only makes us crazier.  I needed a candidate I could believe in.  And after an exhaustive search, I’ve found me!  Me: a candidate I believe in. And so should you.  Why? When I […]

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Limping Toward Glory. Or At least Toward ‘Not Limping.’

January 11, 2016


At the start of 2015 I said that 2014 was the year I found out I couldn’t do it all. So humbled. So wizened. Then came 2015. The year I found out, apparently, I can’t do anything. Oof. Rough one. If the year was a race, as I hobbled across the finish line to 2016 […]

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Have You Seen Too many Movies?

June 15, 2015


A co-worker tells you he’s 3 days from retirement. Your first thought is “Wish I was retiring” “Hm, wonder who’ll replace him? “You’re totally a dead man.” You go to unlock a door – car door, apartment, whatever. As you reach for the lock, you drop your keys at the last second. As you bend […]

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If The English Language Had Been Created As A School Assignment

June 8, 2015


First off, this is very thorough.  Great job – you’ve got everything here a language needs to be not only functional, but allow for nuance, tone, even connotation. I do have some concerns, though. The first is there seem to be some important words missing.  Example: There’s an entire entertainment industry built off of enjoying […]

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Won’t Get Fooled Again. Except When I Will.

June 1, 2015


Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times, oops. Duh. Right. Fool me four times, and it’s possible I’m kind of in to it. Fool me five times, shame on my friends. Fool me six times, it’s possible I need professional help. Fool me seven times, shame […]

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Please Hire Me To Be Your Movie Superhero

May 25, 2015


Wow, all these superhero movies. They’re everywhere aren’t they? And they just keep being wildly popular. But these superhero movies… they’re lacking something… a certain je ne sais quoi… well, actually, I do sais quoi: they’re lacking me! Yes, the time has come for a Byronic Man superhero movie. And not just because the name […]

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35 Years Ago, Mt. St. Helens Opened An Awe-Inspring, Majestic Can Of Whoop-Ass On Us

May 18, 2015


Today marks the 35-year anniversary of the eruption of Mt. St. Helens, in southern Washington State.  What follows is a chronology of some of the more note-worthy moments: July 9, 38,000 BC – Mount St. Helens forms, beginning a devious plot to erupt and destroy the area towns. August 15, 1979 – As per the […]

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I Now Pronounce You ‘Brain & Brain.’

May 11, 2015


I’ve decided that the courts need to not only allow, but perhaps even mandate, brains to marry one another. Why? Because of smoke alarm batteries. That isn’t clear? Oh. Let me explain. The other night, right about 3am, a battery in one of our smoke alarms went out. So, of course, it began its beeping, […]

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Ah, Good Evening, Monsieur. May I Park Your Horrible Piece of Crap?

May 4, 2015


For the school where I work, this past weekend was prom – that magical night when a girl’s dreams come true.  Assuming her dreams involve trying to walk in 5-inch heels, not eating your expensive dinner because the dress is too tight, and then listening to deafening music with a guy who thinks he’s the […]

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