May my children have the strength to forgive those who treat them poorly. And may those who treat them poorly be granted understanding of their actions. And then may that understanding make them be driven blind with grief, and plunge them into insanity and despair forever.
I really respect your decision to give us this house, sweetie.
May my children have the skill and good fortune to become wealthy, and the wisdom to see that wealth won’t make them happy. And then – and I can’t stress this next step enough – decide they should give said wealth to their parents.
May they be healthy. And smart. And wise. And kind. And attractive. And funny. And clever. And fit. And gracious. And charismatic. And stylish without being trendy. And quick with perfect rejoinders. And generous. And able to figure out the perfect gratuity in their heads. And… you know what? Physically and mentally perfect. Perfect in every way.
May they somehow simultaneously live a life of adventure and exploration, while never doing anything that could get them hurt. Not sure what this one looks like, exactly…
And you know what? You got ants and allergies and sunburn to worry about… maybe stick with the other one.
May my children see the simple joys in life, like falling asleep under a tree on a sunny day, or always doing what their father says.
May they be humble in victory, and theoretically gracious in defeat, even though they will never experience it.
May they find something in their life that makes them truly happy, whether it’s a career, an art, a hobby, or always doing what their father says.
May they find true love in their lives, always remembering that was this true love there to comfort them when they were scared of monsters in the night? Or care for them when they were dehydrated with fever? Or show them how to ride a bike, or make cookies, or catch a ball? No. No, this so-called “true love” was nowhere to be seen.
The Byronic Man 
April 27, 2015 at 9:12 am
And may our children always get green lights and left turns without non-signaling idiots.
April 29, 2015 at 10:49 am
And people at 4-way stops who know whose turn it is.
April 27, 2015 at 9:55 am
And may the deal graciously, always, with their father’s obvious case of early onset dementia.
April 29, 2015 at 10:51 am
Actually, my goal is to reach 105 in perfect health, then go supernova.
April 29, 2015 at 12:56 pm
Good luck. I didn’t make it out of my teens in perfect health!
April 27, 2015 at 11:34 am
I want that first paragraph cross-stitched on a pillow, for when I have kids. And the second paragraph too.
April 29, 2015 at 10:51 am
Byronic Man throw pillows: coming soon to the online B-Man store!
April 27, 2015 at 12:18 pm
Reblogged this on My Blog and commented:
nice one….
April 27, 2015 at 2:13 pm
And should your children discover this Father’s Wish, may your children not share it with their Mother, because it was Her body who still carries the atrocities of childbirth, yet She is not mentioned once in this Father’s Wish. What’s up with that Father?
May 5, 2015 at 1:32 pm
Yeah, and Mother’s Day is coming up soon… 😉 Great work, Dad, loved it!
May 12, 2015 at 9:44 am
🙂
April 27, 2015 at 8:43 pm
You said… May my children have the skill and good fortune to become wealthy, and the wisdom to see that wealth won’t make them happy. And then – and I can’t stress this next step enough – decide they should give said wealth to their parents.
I say… Hilarious!
You said… Your children should always do what their father says.
I say… Uh huh. Right. You are such a dreamer! And funny and sensitive and warm.
And you love your kids.
April 30, 2015 at 1:40 pm
At this point I’d be ecstatic with them doing what I ask, oh say, 45% of the time?
April 30, 2015 at 3:00 pm
As I said, dream on! But one being hopeful is the charm.
May 5, 2015 at 1:33 pm
Whereas I would be happy with only 10%. *sigh* If he lives to see 18 it should definitely count as a documented miracle.
April 28, 2015 at 4:03 am
And may they never force their sainted father to purchase a mini-van.
April 29, 2015 at 10:52 am
Guh. No kidding. We have a Eurovan that we use for camping, and I’m hoping it does enough of the mini-van jobs to negate the need.
April 28, 2015 at 7:34 am
(Scene: Son sitting, leafing through magazine, looking at houses. Father standing over him, looking at magazine over shoulder.) Son, I’m glad your making this choice to get me a new house. It shows signs of maturity, respect, and- OOOH!!! Can you get that one with the pool?! Look at how BIG it is, too!
April 30, 2015 at 1:41 pm
“Look, I’m old than you and wiser. And experience has taught me that if you don’t also get me a boat you’ll always wish you had.”
May 1, 2015 at 9:08 am
XD
April 28, 2015 at 8:10 am
This brings a tear to my eye. Perfection isn’t too much to ask, is it? Naaah.
April 29, 2015 at 10:53 am
It’s all I ask of myself and those around me. It’s all I ask.
April 28, 2015 at 8:51 am
Part manifesto, part agenda.
April 30, 2015 at 1:42 pm
And all solipsism!
May 5, 2015 at 1:34 pm
Oh, man! Now I have to get out the dictionary! Thank God for Google!!
May 5, 2015 at 1:35 pm
P.S. That was well worth the dictionary-cracking. 😀
April 28, 2015 at 1:29 pm
Phew. After several months of failing to find bloggers funny enough to be featured on my famous (kidding) Funny Blogs page, here you are. https://holdouts.wordpress.com/funny-blogs/
May your children know, even if unconsciously, as they wend through terrible twos, prepubescent drama, high school tokes, fender benders and all nighters, how lucky they are to have a parent with a sense of humor. Cheers.
April 30, 2015 at 1:43 pm
Well thanks for thinking of me/including me! That’s a pretty great list you have going.
April 29, 2015 at 6:05 am
I quite loved the undercurrent of human vanities.
April 29, 2015 at 10:38 am
One of my favorite things about satire/parody is things that are, superficially, about “A”, but are, in fact, about “B.”
April 29, 2015 at 3:03 pm
Perfect Paradise…
May 2, 2015 at 2:45 am
May my children never discover sex, no? Not until they’re, umm I don’t know, 45? I think that’s kind of important.
May 3, 2015 at 10:17 pm
I thought this was really funny and interesting to read. It not only shows the over-idealism of people’s expectations, especially parents and their children, but it also shows how there are so many contradictory ethics in the world. The look of success is to have money and fame, while at the same time it would be more “virtuous” to live a humble and quiet life. Just my thoughts on the subject…