25 Of The Onion’s Best Headlines, For Their 25th Anniversary

August 30, 2013

Humor

Look, I like to think I can make with the occasional bit of funny here.  But I know who’s in charge.  And that Monarch is, of course, The Onion.

Sorry, Brits – The Daily Mash is pretty great, but The Onion is, frankly, staggering.  And today they are 25 years old.  So, to celebrate in the best way I know how (by lazily reprinting their hard work), here are 25 of their best headlines, though there are countless more that could make the list:

Exercise Ball All The Way Over There

Indonesian Mother Sews Halloween Costumes For 60,000 Children

On Barack Obama’s presidential campaign: Black Guy Asks Nation For Change.

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Area Man Passionate Defender Of What He Imagines Constitution To Be

Jews to Celebrate Rosh Hashasha or Something

On George W Bush’s daughter turning 18: Jenna Bush’s Federally Protected Wetlands Now Open for Public Drilling

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Study: 72 Percent Of High-Fives Unwarranted

Fun Toy Banned Because of 3 Stupid Dead Kids

Cool Dad Is Horrible Father

the-onion

Philip Morris: ‘Please Talk To Your Cooler Children About Cigarettes’

Drugs Win Drug War

Denver Optometrist Not Sure Why He Has A Gay Cult Following

Wealthy Teen Nearly Experiences Consequences

Op Ed: “I’m Like A Chocoholic, But For Booze”

Christian Rock Band Cleans Up Hotel Room

9532307

Sean Penn Demands To Know What Asshole Took SeanPenn@ gmail.com

Alan Rickman Ends Pizza Delivery Order With Ominous ‘So Be It’

Special Olympics Investigated For Use Of Performance-Enhancing Hugs

37 Record Store Clerks Feared Dead in Yo La Tengo Concert Disaster

“Having-one-beer” Plan Goes Awry

U.S. Launches AIDS-Awareness Campaign In Botswana: ‘You All Have AIDS,’ Says U.S

5370598

Which Are your favorites?

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About The Byronic Man

Recently voted "The Best Humor Blog in America That I, Personally, Write," The Byronic Man is sometimes fiction, sometimes autobiography. And sometimes cultural criticism. Oh, and occasionally reviews. Okay, it's all those different things, but always humorous. Except on the occasions that it's not. Ah, geez. Look, it's a lot of things, okay? You might like it, is the point.

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50 Comments on “25 Of The Onion’s Best Headlines, For Their 25th Anniversary”

  1. Exile on Pain Street Says:

    I am continually astonished at the quality and cleverness that comes out of The Onion. I remember when it started appearing in free newspaper boxes in Manhattan a million years ago. How have they maintained the high standard over the years? Are they warlocks? One of my favs? Yankees purchase every player in the Major Leagues to insure World Series victory.

    Reply

  2. The Philosophunculist Says:

    Yes! I didn’t realize they’ve been around for 25 years. One of my favorite reads.

    Reply

  3. thefoodandwinehedonist Says:

    Sooo many to choose from. I used to read it religiously b4 it went online. Not sure why this jumps out but I remember “Running shoes used for computer programming” and “God gives shout out back to all his N***as” that last one being one of my fave stories. I loved the old columns by Smoove, Zweibel, Kornfeld, and that stoner And the old advice columns – Like Ask a touring drummer for the Pointer Sisters or Ask the VoiceOver for the Dukes of Hazard. Thanks for bringing back these memories !

    Reply

  4. Michael Says:

    My favorite Onion story: “Third Amendment Rights Group Celebrates Another Successful Year.” It was about the brave efforts of the National Anti-Quartering Association to protest the Third Amendment rights we cherish so much.

    Reply

  5. Every Record Tells A Story Says:

    I like that the Onion has a “25 best headlines of The Byronic Man” on their site today. Nice.

    Reply

  6. speaker7 Says:

    I enjoy it when Facebook “friends” post a link to an Onion article thinking it’s real. I have to say the Jenna Bush headline was beyond genius.

    Reply

  7. Go Jules Go Says:

    It’s really not even fair how funny they are. There’s no way I can pick a favorite (although “Expert On Anteaters Wasted Entire Life Studying Anteaters” will ALWAYS get me), so instead I offer: http://thoughtcatalog.com/2013/the-35-best-times-someone-on-facebook-thought-the-onion-was-real/

    (My favorite there is #21.)

    Reply

    • blowingoffsteamandmore Says:

      I just read that article recently on thoughtcatalog. Hilarious!

      Reply

    • The Byronic Man Says:

      I was going to include that list! I was afraid I’d be getting too long, though, so I’m glad you did. My favorite might be the congressman who actually thought Planned Parenthood had opened up an $8 Billion Abortionplex.

      Reply

    • The Byronic Man Says:

      I also love the woman who believes that JK Rowling is Newt Gingrich’s pen name, and insists that “more evidence is coming out about it” and that even if The Onion is fake there is hidden truth in satire and lies, and that “Satan has many deceptions.”

      Reply

    • She's a Maineiac Says:

      Love that link, JD. Although, I’m not entirely convinced that there really isn’t a small man living inside of Nicolas Cage’s body.

      Reply

  8. Soma Mukherjee Says:

    Love the onion daily mash, the valentine one was just too funny

    Reply

  9. Helena Hann-Basquiat Says:

    Oh my god, I laughed out loud. For real. SO much so, that if I were some illiterate internet junkie, I totally would have written OMG LOL. But I really did laugh out loud. And I’m at work, so I’m getting weird looks. Gotta go now. Thanks for sharing these, darling!

    Reply

  10. Charlene Woodley Says:

    Drugs Win Drug War – love that one! However, my all time Onion fave: Olympic Runners Feeling Stupid For Cutting Off Legs Before Finding Out About Prosthetic Ban

    Reply

  11. rachelocal Says:

    On your list, this one’s my favorite: Special Olympics Investigated for Use of Performance-Enhancing Hugs. hahaha.

    I also like this one: CIA Realizes It’s Been Using Black Highlighters All These Years

    Reply

  12. donofalltrades Says:

    Too funny…”Christian Rock Band Cleans Hotel Room” Classic. There are so many, but this is one of the few I can remember.

    “God Answers Prayers Of Paralyzed Little Boy – ‘No,’ Says God”

    Reply

  13. Lorna's Voice Says:

    Love the Onion. Thanks for making me smirk like a crazy person. The “high fives” headline was so inane. Where do they come up with this stuff? 🙂

    Reply

  14. UndercoverL Says:

    I want to know who weighed the pubes and did they then knit them into a sweater and put it in Ripley’s Believe it or Not? People do stuff like that. That lint recreation of Whistler’s Mother made out of dryer lint definitely has pubes in it. I saw them. (Disclaimer: I am not a trashy person, even if my comments make me appear as such.)

    Reply

  15. Brown Road Chronicles Says:

    Those are great… too hard to pick a favorite! I saw something on facebook (or somewhere??) that showed instances where people had posted Onion stories and believed they were real and left comments about them. It was funnier than the actual stories. Usually several comments down the thread, someone would say “its the Onion, its not real!”

    Reply

    • The Byronic Man Says:

      Especially because the people, instead of saying “oh, I feel silly” will insist that it’s true, defiantly. Even saying, “well that’s your opinion.” Um, you may not understand what “opinions” are…

      Reply

  16. Elyse Says:

    Thanks for giving me a reason to have more than one beer, B-Man. But I’m going for”You all have AIDS” as my fav. Cuz I am a fake medical professional

    Reply

  17. mistyslaws Says:

    Oh my god, Jenna Bush for the win. Genius. I also love the exercise ball and Alan Rickman ones. Oh hell, they are all brilliant.

    I think one of my favorite ones ever was something like, “Office going away party for boss a little TOO exuberant.” That one might be my favorite just because it hits close to home. Oh how I long for the day . . .

    Reply

    • The Byronic Man Says:

      Yeah, that Jenna Bush one is almost too funny to even laugh at. You just have to sort of contemplate the sheer, baffling funniness of it. Like staring into an abyss of funny.

      Reply

      • thesinglecell Says:

        The thing that kills you is how EASY it is. You’re like, “Gah, of COURSE! I’m so mad I didn’t think of that! I’m so mad YOU thought of that, on top of all the other freaking brilliant things you think of!”

        Reply

  18. thesinglecell Says:

    Sometimes I hate those guys for being so good. Did you see the thing yesterday? The one about the magic store owner not being the same since he lost his virginity? Oh, I howled.

    Reply

  19. Teepee12 Says:

    Bless the Onion, the light in a dark world.

    Reply

  20. 1pointperspective Says:

    I avoid the Onion, as it makes me feel like a pathetic loser when it comes to writing funny things. Also, please excuse my not having liked or commented on your blog for the past several months for pretty much the same reason.

    Reply

  21. theduffboy Says:

    So many to choose from! The Al Gore one is sad AND funny, but mostly sad.

    Reply

  22. abbybyrd Says:

    The Abortionplex one is awesome. My favorite is the relatively recent “Chick-Fil-A Debuts New Homophobic Sandwich” (it’s the Queer-Hatin’ Cordon Bleu with Fag-Punching Sauce).

    Reply

  23. pegoleg Says:

    That Al Gore picture had me spewing cheap, white wine all over my computer. Hope I didn’t get you in the eye, B-man.

    Reply

  24. silkpurseproductions Says:

    You’re right. The Onion rules. The Jenna Bush headline gets my vote.

    Reply

  25. The Guat Says:

    I’m not really a cat person, but I love the kitten headline. Cracked me up. They seem like a shady species.

    Reply

  26. Ape No. 1 Says:

    To this day I can not read out aloud the classic Onion article, “Ask Sir Mix-A-Lot”, without laughing so hard that tears stream down my face.

    Reply

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