With the movements towards a permanent colony on Mars, and Virgin Galactic’s progress toward civilian space flights, it seems like a good time to offer just a few reflections on space travel and its implications.
Pew! Pew! Pew! “Look out!” Pew! Pew! BOOM! …aaaand, roll credits.
I think the end of the shuttle program bodes poorly for the screenplay I wanted to produce when I was ten. It was called Shuttle 6. It’s about a bunch of shuttles that go up, and something happens that makes them all explode except number 6, and then something bad is happening, and it’s up to the handsome, ten-year-old captain to save everyone, and then he karate kicks some guys and there’s a laser gun fight. It’s terrific. And, yes, I realize that’s a little plot-heavy for today’s blockbusters, but I was prepared to thin it out a bit.
People have pretty much given up on jet packs and flying cars. This is insane. Yes, I realize that they’d be logistically impossible on any mass scale and there’d be constant fiery deaths, but on the other hand: Jet packs. And flying cars.
What the hell is this? It’s supposed to say “Property of Byronic Man”!
I respect Buzz Aldrin, the second man on the moon, because, in part, he was part of that team that first went to the moon and – perhaps more impressively – made it back. But what really just blows me away is that he missed being the first human being to step on an extra-terrestrial surface because of, basically, a coin toss. And he accepted that. That’s dignity and discipline. If I’d been on that ship? Neil Armstrong would have been descending the ladder, saying “This is one small step for man, one giant what the hell??” And then there would have been me, hurling myself out the capsule bay door, over Neil Armstrong’s head, slowly face-planting into the lunar dust and pumping my arm. History’s biggest jackass? Perhaps. But: first man on the moon. First words uttered on the surface would forever be, “Yeah! Suck it, Armstrong!”
“I see a hippo!” “I see a snowman! Golly, long-distance space travel is fun!” “It sure is. Do you have any more calcium pills?”
Two of the major impediments to long-distance space-travel are loss in bone-density and packing water. To solve the loss in bone-density, I say bring calcium tablets. Boom – solved. Can’t believe you didn’t think of it NASA. As for water, the problem is that virtually anything can be condensed except water, so incredible amounts of storage would be needed just for that. The solution? As I see it there are two. Option one: Keep the air in the ship really, really humid. Crazy humid. Washington DC humid. Then you can just breathe water, or lick the walls if you’re thirsty. Option two: fill the whole ship up waist-deep with water and everyone wades. Need a drink? Lean down. Convenient! If there’s no artificial gravity in the ship, then the water just bounces around in little balls and that’s even easier, plus you can watch them and see if they look like things. I can’t believe I have to come up with all this stuff.
Virgin Galactic is getting closer and closer to offering civilian rides into orbit. Tickets cost $200,000. A lot of people think that’s ridiculous to pay that much money to spend about 3 minutes in orbit. But I think these people are forgetting that if you go, you spend 3 minutes IN ORBIT. IN SPACE, FLOATING AND LOOKING AT THE EARTH. God yes, it’d be worth $200,000! I guess what I’m saying is this: The holiday season shows up before you know it. If you get my drift.
A scene from the 1979 James Bond film “Moonraker.” A film mostly remembered for its stark realism and the line, “My God, I believe Bond is attempting re-entry!”
Related posts:
Please Hire Me To Colonize Mars
What Goes Through My Head When I look at the Hubble Deep-Field Images
Press Conference From When I Am President: Funding Space Exporation
The Byronic Man 
May 30, 2013 at 4:14 am
Sure, “what does that water ball look like” starts out as a fun game. But then someone points out a ball that kind of looks like a face, and then everyone is seeing creepy transparent water-faces everywhere they turn.
May 30, 2013 at 6:48 am
Well, every story needs the guy who slowly goes crazy and tries to sabotage the ship/mission/building. Now he’s got his milieu – the talking water ball faces!
May 30, 2013 at 4:24 am
How unintentionally funny would it have been if Aldrin did leap over Armstrongs head, landed, fist bumped and then floated off into space untethered because he forgot about the bouncy minimal gravity thing? We’d all be wondering where he is now.
May 30, 2013 at 6:49 am
His final transmission was: “Put it in the history books! Aldrin, baby! Aldrin!”
May 30, 2013 at 4:30 am
you know what,…people who work in places like NASA are so used to complicated things and their lengthy super complicated solutions that they forget the simpler solutions….
man o man do you show them how to or what….
Shuttle 6… I get ya
May 30, 2013 at 8:17 am
“when in doubt, fill it up with water” should be their motto.
May 30, 2013 at 4:37 am
Trivia: Why did the first five shuttles in the classic science fiction non-movie ‘Shuttle 6’ explode?
Answer: Klingon Warbird
May 30, 2013 at 6:49 am
I think JJ Abrams has a little competition for Nü-Star Trek 3!
May 30, 2013 at 4:46 am
This should come to no surprise to you, but I recently re-watched Moonraker. I don’t know what was more shocking – that line or the whole Jaws/German mountain girl romance.
May 30, 2013 at 6:51 am
See, the new Bond filmmakers could learn a little something from the latter Roger Moore era, couldn’t they?
May 30, 2013 at 6:55 am
Oh I think they have, given the distinct lack of cheesiness. (For better or or worse) Tho I do kinda miss Moore’s signature move – the Judo chop to the neck.
May 30, 2013 at 8:18 am
Actually, that’s true – they learned very well what not to do.
May 30, 2013 at 4:57 am
More jackasses would make NASA more appealing to the average Joe.
May 30, 2013 at 6:51 am
How come I can’t get no Tang ’round here!?
May 30, 2013 at 5:09 am
NASA needs you, but what we all need is to know is what you’d wear for your trip into orbit. Cape, no cape? Red dress? All this time thinking about balls and you’ve lost sight of what really matters.
May 30, 2013 at 6:54 am
http://www.cbswords.com/product_info.php/products_id/403
May 30, 2013 at 8:18 am
May 30, 2013 at 8:20 am
p.s. – I don’t know if you noticed on that site, but the standard size for the costume is Extra-Large. They know their customers, I guess.
May 30, 2013 at 9:52 am
I did not. I was too distracted by the incredible sale price.
May 30, 2013 at 5:13 am
If Hollywood can make a movie based on Battleship, not to mention Hungry Hungry Hippos, Shuttle 6 should not be a problem. You should send them a script.
May 30, 2013 at 8:22 am
I was just reading an article about Hollywood’s desperate attempt to add pro-China propaganda to all their movies (and/or eliminate any negative associations) in order to get in to the censored & limited Chinese film market. I’m trying to work in a little something about a floating Beijing space colony, and then the script will be in the mail!
May 30, 2013 at 5:19 am
I’ve always thought that Armstrong must have had some serious dirt on Aldrin and that’s why he “won” that coin toss. Because no one gives up being the first person on the moon without at least a best 2 out of 3 coin toss series.
May 30, 2013 at 8:23 am
“I should be first!”
“Shall I tell everyone REALLY why your nickname is ‘Buzz’?”
“Fine. You can be first. Jerk.”
May 30, 2013 at 5:32 am
See? This is what science is lacking: imagination. And more lasers!
May 30, 2013 at 8:25 am
Try telling that to my 10th grade Chemistry teacher…
May 30, 2013 at 5:55 am
Pretty sure they stole the entire plot and movie theme of Shuttle 6 for Moonraker. You should sue Hollywood. Or NASA. Or BOTH!! Say, for about $200,000?
May 30, 2013 at 8:26 am
With NASA I’d be willing to cut a deal that involves me, a space suit, and an open-ended ticket to the space station.
June 14, 2013 at 6:36 am
B-man!! Congrats. Wow, what is this, like 18 or 19 FPs? Are you on the commitee yet? And if so . . . can you put in a good word for me? 😉 Good job, man!
June 14, 2013 at 7:37 am
Thanks – now that I’m so tight with WP, I’ll see what I can do.
May 30, 2013 at 6:09 am
In my humble opinion Chris Hadfield has done more for the space program in the past year then all the rest combined. He sang Bowie’s “Space Odity” and played guitar in space. He jammed with “The Barenaked Ladies” in space. He did science experiments that kids thought up in school, one of which was a very cool water and sponge thing that you would love. He was in classrooms while in space and there isn’t a kid in Canada that isn’t considering being an astronaut when they grow up. If these kids have there way you may yet have your day in space.
May 30, 2013 at 8:26 am
I agree – he really found a way to reconnect with people and make them excited about space again.
May 30, 2013 at 6:33 am
You have such good ideas. I can’t understand why NASA isn’t beating down your door. I don’t understand.
May 30, 2013 at 8:27 am
Budget cuts. They don’t have Internet so they don’t know where I live.
May 30, 2013 at 6:39 am
I laughed out loud at the “thinning the plot down” part. I’d give my left nut (no, not the right one)(because it’s special) to go into space, but Mr. Branson said it was cash or nothing.
May 30, 2013 at 8:27 am
Ah, he’s just playing hardball. Keep negotiating.
May 30, 2013 at 8:29 am
I see what you did there just now.
May 30, 2013 at 9:43 am
I have no dignity.
May 30, 2013 at 6:52 am
I think you jumping over Armstrong and face-planting as the world’s biggest jackass should in itself be a movie. Just add some pew-pew lasers and a fire-breathing dragon and it’d be Hollywood gold.
May 30, 2013 at 8:20 am
I’d pay to see that. Totes.
May 30, 2013 at 8:29 am
It’s going to be tough to figure out how to work in a girl in a tank top into a movie on the moon, but I’m confident Hollywood can figure it out.
May 30, 2013 at 9:43 am
I’d invest in that movie! Not a lot, but I have a twenty here in my pocket.
May 30, 2013 at 8:19 am
I was just checking out airfare to England. It seems somebody at Virgin Atlantic got their price lists confused with the Virgin Galactic division. $200,000 is a steal when you compare the cost-per-air-mile ratios of the two trips.
May 30, 2013 at 8:29 am
I never understand how people fly all the time. I feel like I’m committing to buying a car.
May 30, 2013 at 8:34 am
I’m with you. This is gonna be the BIG trip for us – I’ve never spent so much. Yikes!
May 30, 2013 at 9:44 am
England is magical You will have a blllllllaaaaaassssttttt. And great beer.
May 30, 2013 at 9:45 am
Love, this B-Man. And Aldrin lost out because of a coin toss? I would so go over Neil’s head. Absolutely.
June 1, 2013 at 7:51 am
Well, actually it was determined by the shape of the module, and the hinge on the portal out – it was a logistics thing for getting out, and – based on where they were sitting in the craft – it made sense for Armstrong to go first. So a metaphoric coin toss.
June 13, 2013 at 12:58 pm
So not a coin toss, then?
June 14, 2013 at 7:38 am
Well, metaphoric. You know how NASA loves metaphors.
May 30, 2013 at 10:08 am
Not only would filling the ship with water solve the problem of storage, but it would also produce some cool waves, like a day at the beach.
June 1, 2013 at 7:52 am
More people would want to go into space if they new there was free body surfing.
May 30, 2013 at 10:14 am
You’ll do anything to get out of changing diapers, won’t you? 😉
June 1, 2013 at 7:52 am
Actually, changing diapers can be a highlight of my day – that’s when it’s time to make her laugh like crazy. So, she and her diapers are coming with me, for sure.
May 30, 2013 at 12:23 pm
Licking the walls. Now I, too, dream of space.
June 1, 2013 at 7:53 am
They always leave the wall-licking out of shows like Star Trek.
May 30, 2013 at 4:58 pm
Buzz is from my hometown, who knows where Neill grew up.
June 1, 2013 at 7:54 am
Really? Does he still live there? You could cut him off in line and, “Ah, you’re used to it.” Then nudge him and laugh.
June 1, 2013 at 8:16 am
I doubt he still lives there, but there was a parade for him after the moon landing. I haven’t lived there in decades myself.
I heard him on a radio interview recently. I think cutting him off in line would result in him smacking me or anyone else who tried it. He’s an American icon, and a big time curmudgeon.
May 30, 2013 at 9:49 pm
I would have been difficult for you to beat Armstrong to be the first man on the moon in 1969. I believe NASA has some silly requirement that you have to be born already before they let you fly on one of their spaceships.
May 31, 2013 at 6:36 am
*gasp* Birthism! They’re discriminating! Oh, this lawsuit’s getting better and better.
June 16, 2013 at 9:21 pm
And congratulations! I presume a “Wheeee!” is in order.
May 31, 2013 at 3:55 pm
Reading Buzz Aldrin & John Barnes “Encounter With Tiber.” More info on the inner workings of NASA than I imagined possible. You might find it interesting. Good story AND DIAGRAMS!
June 1, 2013 at 7:55 am
But one blurry photo and there are people convinced the whole thing was faked.
May 31, 2013 at 4:53 pm
I’ve been to NASA in FL 2x now and each time it blows me away. The magic of space flight, and what might be out there, never gets old for me. It’s sad that, as a nation, we stopped caring… until the program was dead on the launch pad. Having watched the moon walk, as a very young girl, I never imagined that was possible. Calcium supplements, duh. Right?
June 1, 2013 at 7:57 am
Yeah, it makes me sad that it’s inevitable that civilians will be able to go in to space but it won’t be until after I’m gone, or – at best – when I’m quite old and probably no longer physically qualified.
And actually, the 0-gravity means there’s no pressure on the bones, so they don’t have to resist and rebuild. I suspect the calcium pills might them returning to earth with weak bones AND bone spurs. Maybe a couple kidney stones.
June 1, 2013 at 8:41 am
Kidney stones in space… that would really suck!
June 14, 2013 at 7:38 am
*shudder* I think kidney stones ANYWHERE would be awful.
June 14, 2013 at 8:18 am
Much worse for men, than women… but the one time i had them (20s) was unbearable.
May 31, 2013 at 5:45 pm
Dear WordPress — Why not just put B-Man on automatic-Freshly Pressed? Everything the guy writes is guaranteed to be worthy.
June 1, 2013 at 7:58 am
From your lips to the WordPress Gods’ ears, my dear. Thanks for saying so.
June 14, 2013 at 5:33 am
Annnnd BAM. DONE!
June 14, 2013 at 7:39 am
I know – I didn’t know Hippie Cahier had that much clout. I’m going to start being much nicer to her.
June 14, 2013 at 3:03 pm
Wha??? When did this happen? I’ve GOT to check that front page more often. Congratulations – this is so deserved! Oh, and Hippie? Remember me…your old pal, Peg?
June 15, 2013 at 6:41 am
Dear Lottery Commission: Why not just give me the Powerball jackpot?
Congratulations, B-Man!!!
You so deserve the FP. And I so deserve to live a life of luxury from here on out . . . 😉
June 2, 2013 at 4:04 am
“This is one small step for man, one giant what the hell??”
I would’ve sputtered out coffee, had I been drinking it. I don’t think I’m ever going to hear the original words the same again.
I’ll start setting aside the pennies for your Virgin Galactic trip. By my calculations, I’ll be able to gift you this sometime around 2142. Maybe a few bloggers could chip in? (Just don’t call it on a coin toss . . .)
June 14, 2013 at 7:40 am
Well, they can hopefully unfreeze me in 2142, so I’ll be rested and ready!
June 2, 2013 at 8:53 am
Great post, and great site — I’ve taken the plunge and decided to “Follow” along!
Haven’t thought of “Moonraker” for, well, decades, I guess. I saw it as a teenager and though I can’t say its “stark realism” particularly resonated with me, I do remember using the “My God, I believe Bond is attempting re-entry!” bit whenever it was even remotely apropos (and often when it wasn’t) for years afterwards.
June 14, 2013 at 7:41 am
Yeah, there are some dark moments in the Roger Moore era, aren’t there? *cough* “Octopussy” *cough*
June 13, 2013 at 9:06 am
B-man
I knew this was front page material, like everything else you write.
Congrats!
Red
June 14, 2013 at 7:00 am
Thanks for saying so. I – being kind of dim – took the entire day to figure out, “Garsh, how come a whole bunch of people are suddenly reading this post?”
June 13, 2013 at 9:10 am
I’m banking on civilian time travel before affordable civilian space travel. Isn’t the other major impediment radiation and cancer risk? Ever since reading The Sparrow by Mary Doria Russell, I’ve had second thoughts about whether or not I am interested in space travel. (If you haven’t read it, you should!)
June 14, 2013 at 6:58 am
Yeah, I read that it’d be the equivalent of getting a full-body CT Scan every six days the whole way there, radiation-wise.
And I’ll look for that book – thanks for the recommendation!
June 14, 2013 at 6:58 am
pleasure!
June 13, 2013 at 10:15 am
Your writing is genius…you made me laugh out loud!
June 14, 2013 at 7:43 am
Thanks! And I fully intend to use your comment for promotional tags, so when people say, “Ew, did you seriously use the word ‘genius’ about his stuff?” you’ll know why.
June 13, 2013 at 12:08 pm
I think Shuttle 6 could fit nicely into the esteemed children-oriented oeuvre of Robert Rodriguez, including all 3 Spy Kids and Shark-Boy vs. Lava Girl – which really was created by a 6 year old.
And, it’s the movies. You can breathe in space. Referring back to a previous comment, you could have a girl in a tank top on the moon. She would just breathe Lun-air.
June 14, 2013 at 7:43 am
It could also be a Michael Bay movie if I quintupled the explosions and simplified the dialogue.
June 14, 2013 at 9:36 am
True
June 13, 2013 at 12:44 pm
Great post. I enjoyed your outlook on Armstrong’s re-interpreted quote if there had been extra-terrestrial life on the moon rock. I remember when Virgin Galactic was first getting started when I lived in New Mexico– mind-boggling awesomeness. If I ever get lucky or get rich, I’m going to do this. If not, perhaps I’ll take out a highly-financially backed credit card and do this just before I croak.
June 14, 2013 at 7:45 am
That’s the key. “I’m afraid the diagnosis is terminal.” “I see. Thank you, doctor. Excuse me, I need to make a call. Virgin Galactic? Do you take Visa?”
June 13, 2013 at 5:16 pm
I’m following too now, but forget the Virgin trip. We gotta set our sites on the one-way trip to Mars! You can’t tell me there isn’t anyone you’d start a collection for to see them shot out to space permanently. Just sayin’.
June 14, 2013 at 6:55 am
I know – they’re saying it will give you a lifetime dose of radiation on the way there, but that’s clearly just to scare off the timid.
June 13, 2013 at 5:42 pm
Fancy seeing you here on Freshly Pressed once more. I just started a new blog with a different username, and went over to WordPress’ main page to find and follow your blog again so it would show up on my new Reader, and there you were!
Anyways have you ever considered that perhaps that’s how it did go down (Aldrin jumping over Armstrong’s head and all)? And that they subsequently shut off the camera, got in a huge fist fight, and upon Armstrong’s victory they re-filmed and faked the whole “first” steps bit? Okay I know it was probably broadcast live so this scenario is unlikely, but hey you never know!
June 14, 2013 at 7:46 am
Maybe that’s it – the moon landing conspiracy theorists are on the right track, they just didn’t know why!
June 13, 2013 at 5:47 pm
This is a message from a star million miles away from the earth. On behalf of people of the star, we say thank you for posting such a wonderful post. keep it up!
June 14, 2013 at 6:53 am
Wow, your meesage got here fast! Impressive. You must have that internet connection that can do the Kessel Run in less than 12 parsecs.
June 14, 2013 at 9:32 am
hhaah
June 13, 2013 at 9:51 pm
Interesting read:) don’t think you would run past him and say what you thiught, would be far too tired of the effort of running 😉
June 14, 2013 at 6:44 am
Entirely possible. Those suits look heavy.
June 13, 2013 at 10:02 pm
Ha! Your moon landing would probably be the first covered by TMZ. Finally an outlet for all of us who grew up in the 60’s to put all that astronaut food and TANG to good use.
June 14, 2013 at 6:42 am
That’d be my goal. Fashion coverage. A reality TV competition. The works.
June 13, 2013 at 10:32 pm
Reblogged this on acehbarat00's Blog.
June 14, 2013 at 1:08 am
First off Im glad someone is showing respect for Buzz he has shown a lot of humor about his place in history and that shows strong character, 2nd – please finish the script lol and third if I had the money id probably pay it, love your blog very awesome!
June 14, 2013 at 6:40 am
First off, thanks!
And second (Poor Buzz, second again), I totally agree about Buzz Aldrin. Total class act.
June 14, 2013 at 7:02 am
He won me over with his Simpsons Cameo more than his walking on the moon lol
June 14, 2013 at 7:40 am
Same here. “Listen, ‘Buzz’, if that IS your real name…”
June 14, 2013 at 7:51 am
Not to mention the
2nd comes right after 1st line….
June 14, 2013 at 5:30 am
Freshly Pressed again! Congratulations!
P.S. Neil Armstrong called. He admitted that he used a double-sided coin for that momentous coin toss. 😉
(Just kidding, Neil! I love ya, man!)
June 14, 2013 at 7:46 am
Thanks! I’m kind of dim though. It took me all day to figure out why a bunch of people were reading this post.
June 14, 2013 at 6:29 am
Go Byronic!! FP’d again. Bet you feel like youre on the moon! I know… lame… Congrats dude!
June 14, 2013 at 7:48 am
Oh, I feel like I’m walking on a lack of air!
Thanks. Apparently I’m FP’d in the “space” category, which is not the most well-traveled corner of WP, but I’ll take it! It’s like when you win in pool when the other guy scratches on the 8-ball. Still counts!
June 14, 2013 at 7:27 am
I can see why you were recently voted “The Best Humor Blog in America That I, Personally, Write”. So humorous and made my day! Thank you!
June 14, 2013 at 7:49 am
It was tough competition, but I bribed the judges. Thanks for coming by!
June 14, 2013 at 7:50 am
I don’t think you really bribed the judges! Love your humor though! http://www.segmation.wordpress.com
June 14, 2013 at 1:17 pm
Loved that! It made me laugh out loud! Congratulations on being Freshly Pressed. 🙂
June 25, 2013 at 7:05 am
Thanks – and thanks for reading.
June 14, 2013 at 9:05 pm
Congratulations on being Freshly Pressed! How does one achieve such glory? I heard from a fellow blogger in my first month, that he got it when he hit 100 posts. I went past 200, need help figuring this out! Really, just kidding! Glad you made it! Now I can say, I read you before….you became freshly pressed!!
June 25, 2013 at 7:05 am
If anyone can figure out the magic formula for getting FP’d, they can probably name their price to bloggers everywhere. The best I can tell, it involves saying – out loud – “You know, I don’t even care about getting freshly pressed.” But you have to mean it, or they know.
June 15, 2013 at 6:19 am
Well done Earthling ❤ Love the movie, it's a total winner. Lots of special effects and make sure to include some half naked people. ;-P
June 25, 2013 at 7:02 am
Tough for a space movie… but if Hollywood excels at anything, it’s figuring out how to get people with their clothes off. “They may have been infected out there! Quick, they need to strip off those space suits so we can, uh, scan them!”
June 16, 2013 at 10:49 pm
Lo.l NASA should hire you. This was a nice read
June 25, 2013 at 7:02 am
I’m assuming they’re just playing coy – any day now they’ll crack and beg me to work for them.
June 19, 2013 at 9:25 pm
Smart with a sense of humor. This is the best you can get! Congrats on being Freshly Pressed! 😀
June 25, 2013 at 6:59 am
Thanks for saying so!
June 19, 2013 at 10:25 pm
What a shame… “Suck it, Armstrong” would look so good on a commemorative postage stamp.
June 25, 2013 at 6:58 am
See, that’s what I think, too! It’s catchy, to the point…
June 20, 2013 at 2:29 pm
Hell you don’t want go to mars young man, Asteroid mining is the future.Take a look A 79 foot wide M TYPE asteroid could hold 33,000 tons of material that can be mined. and with over 50 million dollars in platinum alone, I think ill be a space cowboy and do some mining.
June 25, 2013 at 6:58 am
Well, there’s a little educational film called “Armageddon” I think you’d enjoy. Easily the most realistic space-drilling movie to come out in the latter-90’s.
July 4, 2013 at 10:29 am
Thank you,I love that movie.its a great film about destroying an asteroid heading towards earth Thats why its called” Armageddon”, Im talking about towing Asteroids close to earth so we can mine the resources from them.
Thank you