Excerpt From The Journal Of A 6-Month-Old

May 27, 2013

Humor

4:20am:  Hm.  I think it’s time to get up.  Hm.  Yeah.  Time to get up.  Time to get up! Time to get up! Time to get up!  Gosh, where is everybody?  TIME TO GET UP!

6:14am:  I am very close to figuring out the code to the three buttons on the play station.  There is a definite correlation between pressing them and the respective sounds that comes out.  But what?  What??  Damn its infernal labyrinthine combination!

Aw man, I bet they're having so much fun.  Show offs.

Aw man, I bet they’re having so much fun. Show offs.

8:17am: How do my parents make crawling look so easy?  This is ridiculous.

8:49am: Whew.  I’m tired.  I hate to stop chewing on this tag, though.  Maybe I’ll just take a quick nap here on the floor.

920am: Working on a new song.  Music’s done, I’m just putting the touches on the lyrics.  At this point I’ve got “Abwabwabwabwabwabwabwabwabwabwabwa!”  It might be my best work.  It has been very well received so far.

10:01am: I’m up!  Gosh, I’m a bit peckish.  I think maybe I could go for a bite to eat.

10:02am: OH GOD, I’M SO HUNGRY!  MY INSIDES ARE ACHING CAVERNS OF PAIN!  HOW MUCH LONGER CAN I SURVIVE LIKE THIS!?  FOOD! FOOD!  FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, I NEED – ah.  That’s the stuff.

I can't tell what he wants.  Pull his tail? Maybe?  Maybe pull his tail?  I'll try pulling his tail.

I can’t tell what he wants. Pull his tail? Maybe? Maybe pull his tail? I’ll try pulling his tail.

11:30am: The cat is very fuzzy. It’s amazingly satisfying to grab his fur and squeeze.  He consistently runs away, though. I will have to squeeze harder in the future.

1:17pm: Oh man, dad is funny!  I sneezed?  Then he pretended to sneeze?  Hilarious!  He did it like 15 times in a row and every time he did it I though I was going to pee myself.  I may have in fact; it’s always hard to tell.  Pretending to sneeze.  Jesus.    Where does he come up with his material?

2:42pm: Everything is terrible!  My parents are terrible!  My toys are stupid!  No, I don’t want any food!  Don’t patronize me!  I said no, woman!   Oh, why is life so horrible??  A nap?  That’s your solution?  I am not tired,  damn it!  I’m merely noticing how unbelievably awful everything is!  Tired!  Bosh.  Flimshaw! Buffoons!

2:44pm: zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

4:10pm: I think my head’s too big.  I may get a complex. No wonder I can’t navigate or sit up very well, I’ve got the Rock of Gibraltar on my shoulders.

4:47pm: Walking the dogs.  Mom and dad are helping. I don’t know why they don’t get strollers for themselves; they’re pretty sweet.

5:30pm: Where’s mom?  I haven’t seen her in, jeez… when’s the last time I saw her?  I miss her so much! What if something’s happened to her?  I’m so alone!  So alone! MOM! MOM! MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!! Oh, there she is.  Whew.

I do so enjoy the classics.

I do so enjoy the classics.

6:45pm: That Pookie, what a scamp.  Every night I wonder if he’s going to hide from his mom at bed-time again and every time he does!  Magnificent.

6:58pm:  Bed?  Bed?  I am not tired!  I can’t believe you’d think that!  I mean, maybe – you know, for a moment – I’ll close my eyes, think about how not tired I am, but… but… what was I saying?

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About The Byronic Man

Recently voted "The Best Humor Blog in America That I, Personally, Write," The Byronic Man is sometimes fiction, sometimes autobiography. And sometimes cultural criticism. Oh, and occasionally reviews. Okay, it's all those different things, but always humorous. Except on the occasions that it's not. Ah, geez. Look, it's a lot of things, okay? You might like it, is the point.

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57 Comments on “Excerpt From The Journal Of A 6-Month-Old”

  1. mairedubhtx Says:

    Good job at capturing the thoughts of a 6-month old. That’s pretty much how it goes, I think.

    Reply

  2. Hippie Cahier Says:

    I never had any doubt that she would be entirely precocious and adorable, but the fact that she got “its” right, at 6:14 am is really something you should include in her Montessori school application.

    Also, far be it for me to end on a bummer, but 2:42 pm reprises In middle school and it’s even less endearing then.

    Reply

  3. Zen A. Says:

    I made the mistake of reading this at work and had to disguise my snort of laughter with a badly executed cough, but it was worth it. Funny and most probably on the mark. 😀

    Reply

  4. speaker7 Says:

    May I also suggest Brown Bear, Brown Bear? You wonder–even after the 14,037th reading–is that yellow duck going to see a blue horse? I won’t spoil it.

    Reply

  5. Brown Road Chronicles Says:

    Awesome! Sneezing… hilarious… Is that part of your stand-up routines?!?

    Reply

  6. Life With The Top Down Says:

    Goodnight Moon was wonderful the first 10 trillion times, but the second 10 trillion nearly did me in. Oh, a little FYI 2:42 returns during those delightful puberty years, however head spinning, and eye rolling are included. Loved this post!

    Reply

  7. She's a Maineiac Says:

    Oh, this was perfect. I cannot wait until she starts her own blog.

    This is too weird but my husband just found all these old videos of my daughter and one of them is simply me sneezing like an idiot over and over again while she laughs like a maniac. Good stuff. Oh, how I miss the days when all I had to do was sneeze! Now she’s bored and unimpressed unless I’m juggling knives while doing a headstand.

    Reply

  8. List of X Says:

    Let’s hope your daughter can forgive you for sharing all of her innermost thoughs. At least you’re safe for four to six years while she learns to read.

    Reply

  9. Nikitaland Says:

    It sounds a lot like what I went through with taking care of a puppy. I feel your pain!

    Reply

  10. kotikojafaridze Says:

    Reblogged this on kotiko jafaridze.

    Reply

  11. silkpurseproductions Says:

    Brilliant! Your daughter is brilliant! I do love the way she thinks.
    I recommend anything by Robert Munsch for reading material (Love You Forever is a personal favourite). http://robertmunsch.com/

    Reply

  12. mistyslaws Says:

    Wow. Only 6 months old and already journaling. That is quite an impressive baby you’ve got there. What’s next . . . Pulitzer by 3? Cure for cancer by 5? I predict world domination by the age of 10. Just to be safe, we better all be on her good side. What’s her favorite thing right now . . . cheerios, puffs, strained peas? I’m sending a gift basket right now.

    Reply

  13. wildramp Says:

    Sounds like you are being a great dad, Just allow her to speak when he finally gets the words to encourage actually communication so you don;t have to guess.

    Reply

  14. Every Record Tells A Story Says:

    My kids both tried 11.30am at various times in their lives – but the cat saw to it that they wouldn’t make the same mistake twice…

    Reply

  15. pegoleg Says:

    THe lyrics of her new song really speak to me. When may me expect it to be released?

    Reply

    • The Byronic Man Says:

      It’s going to be a double album, with my improvised songs on the other one. They include such hits as “Little Baby With A Bee On Her Bottom,” “Favorite Baby In The World,” and “Who Likes Peeing? (We Like Peeing!)”

      Reply

  16. muddledmom Says:

    Love it! Sounds like it was one of her good days. Whatever you do, do not ever read her a book you do not like. It will become her favorite and you will be stuck reading it two dozen times every night. My husband still sometimes recites Pigs Ahoy when he wants to get on my nerves.

    Reply

  17. Word Rummager Says:

    Very nice. I was hoping for a glimpse into the rationale of why clean clothes + diaper = poo explosion at the worst time/place.

    Reply

    • The Byronic Man Says:

      Yeah, sometimes I think about baby events occurring as an adult. “I seem to have pooped my pants… and it’s also on my back and thighs and stomach and genitals” would qualify as a landmark bad day.

      Reply

  18. Eagle-Eyed Editor Says:

    I’m definitely hoping the kid puts out a CD. With material like that, I think it’ll go to #1 pretty quickly.

    Reply

  19. angeliquejamail Says:

    Also investigate Boynton’s Belly Button Book. You will not be sorry.

    Reply

  20. Valentine Logar Says:

    Your daughter will likely skip kindergarten, brilliant.

    Reply

    • The Byronic Man Says:

      I’m going to use it at the admission interview and claim she wrote it. “Yes, she knows the word ‘labyrinthine.’ Are you calling me a liar? You mean, the other kids don’t? Clearly this isn’t an advanced enough kindergarten.”

      Reply

  21. girlonthecontrary Says:

    I sincerely hope your daughters first word is “Flimshaw”. Because the world desperately needs a kid like that.

    Reply

  22. Moonbeam McQueen Says:

    I came, I read, I laughed, I tweeted. 🙂

    Reply

  23. BrainRants Says:

    If this were written by RantsJr it would have mainly read, “Omnomnomnomnom…” Seventeen years later, it still would…

    Reply

  24. Go Jules Go Says:

    Sure, suuuure. It’s cute now when she’s sucking on tags, but what about when she’s 16, and she leaves the house with her tag sticking up out of the back of her shirt? What then, Dad??

    Reply

  25. PinotNinja Says:

    How do I get her life? I want to be a musician, animal tracker, and literary critic all in the same day.

    Reply

  26. thesinglecell Says:

    I can’t believe she’s six months old already!

    Reply

  27. talesfromthemotherland Says:

    Can’t wait to hear the inner workings of a 2 year old! This was great for a laugh…

    Reply

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Excerpt From The Journal Of A 6-Month-Old | Crashing through the pelvic floor - June 25, 2013

    […] Excerpt From The Journal Of A 6-Month-Old. […]

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