4:20am: Hm. I think it’s time to get up. Hm. Yeah. Time to get up. Time to get up! Time to get up! Time to get up! Gosh, where is everybody? TIME TO GET UP!
6:14am: I am very close to figuring out the code to the three buttons on the play station. There is a definite correlation between pressing them and the respective sounds that comes out. But what? What?? Damn its infernal labyrinthine combination!
Aw man, I bet they’re having so much fun. Show offs.
8:17am: How do my parents make crawling look so easy? This is ridiculous.
8:49am: Whew. I’m tired. I hate to stop chewing on this tag, though. Maybe I’ll just take a quick nap here on the floor.
920am: Working on a new song. Music’s done, I’m just putting the touches on the lyrics. At this point I’ve got “Abwabwabwabwabwabwabwabwabwabwabwa!” It might be my best work. It has been very well received so far.
10:01am: I’m up! Gosh, I’m a bit peckish. I think maybe I could go for a bite to eat.
10:02am: OH GOD, I’M SO HUNGRY! MY INSIDES ARE ACHING CAVERNS OF PAIN! HOW MUCH LONGER CAN I SURVIVE LIKE THIS!? FOOD! FOOD! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, I NEED – ah. That’s the stuff.
I can’t tell what he wants. Pull his tail? Maybe? Maybe pull his tail? I’ll try pulling his tail.
11:30am: The cat is very fuzzy. It’s amazingly satisfying to grab his fur and squeeze. He consistently runs away, though. I will have to squeeze harder in the future.
1:17pm: Oh man, dad is funny! I sneezed? Then he pretended to sneeze? Hilarious! He did it like 15 times in a row and every time he did it I though I was going to pee myself. I may have in fact; it’s always hard to tell. Pretending to sneeze. Jesus. Where does he come up with his material?
2:42pm: Everything is terrible! My parents are terrible! My toys are stupid! No, I don’t want any food! Don’t patronize me! I said no, woman! Oh, why is life so horrible?? A nap? That’s your solution? I am not tired, damn it! I’m merely noticing how unbelievably awful everything is! Tired! Bosh. Flimshaw! Buffoons!
2:44pm: zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
4:10pm: I think my head’s too big. I may get a complex. No wonder I can’t navigate or sit up very well, I’ve got the Rock of Gibraltar on my shoulders.
4:47pm: Walking the dogs. Mom and dad are helping. I don’t know why they don’t get strollers for themselves; they’re pretty sweet.
5:30pm: Where’s mom? I haven’t seen her in, jeez… when’s the last time I saw her? I miss her so much! What if something’s happened to her? I’m so alone! So alone! MOM! MOM! MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!! Oh, there she is. Whew.
I do so enjoy the classics.
6:45pm: That Pookie, what a scamp. Every night I wonder if he’s going to hide from his mom at bed-time again and every time he does! Magnificent.
6:58pm: Bed? Bed? I am not tired! I can’t believe you’d think that! I mean, maybe – you know, for a moment – I’ll close my eyes, think about how not tired I am, but… but… what was I saying?
The Byronic Man 
May 27, 2013 at 5:14 am
Good job at capturing the thoughts of a 6-month old. That’s pretty much how it goes, I think.
May 28, 2013 at 6:35 am
It’s not that far off from an adult, either.
May 27, 2013 at 5:24 am
I never had any doubt that she would be entirely precocious and adorable, but the fact that she got “its” right, at 6:14 am is really something you should include in her Montessori school application.
Also, far be it for me to end on a bummer, but 2:42 pm reprises In middle school and it’s even less endearing then.
May 27, 2013 at 3:52 pm
2:42 reprises throughout LIFE.
May 28, 2013 at 6:36 am
She’s a stickler for grammar.
And I have a job overseas that starts when she turns 12. Or I’m applying for them, anyway.
May 27, 2013 at 5:36 am
I made the mistake of reading this at work and had to disguise my snort of laughter with a badly executed cough, but it was worth it. Funny and most probably on the mark. 😀
May 28, 2013 at 6:39 am
I like to dream of this site being blocked at people’s places of work, because it’s a distraction.
May 27, 2013 at 5:44 am
May I also suggest Brown Bear, Brown Bear? You wonder–even after the 14,037th reading–is that yellow duck going to see a blue horse? I won’t spoil it.
May 27, 2013 at 7:08 am
My daughter just read that to me last night and I was on the edge of my seat!
May 28, 2013 at 6:42 am
The one’s I’m looking forward too are the Elephant & Piggie books. I, literally, stood in the toddlers sections and cracked up reading them – baby nowhere to be found. They’re fantastic.
May 28, 2013 at 10:29 am
Those are great. My 8-year-old sister loves them, and I love reading them with her.
May 29, 2013 at 2:15 pm
Mo Willems is a genius. I also suggest the Knuffle Bunny trilogy. The final book will make you cry.
May 27, 2013 at 5:50 am
Awesome! Sneezing… hilarious… Is that part of your stand-up routines?!?
May 28, 2013 at 6:38 am
I’m adding everything that cracks her up so much. I think the part where I go around the theater and blow on people’s stomachs is going to be a HUGE hit.
May 28, 2013 at 10:10 am
LOL!!
May 27, 2013 at 6:00 am
Goodnight Moon was wonderful the first 10 trillion times, but the second 10 trillion nearly did me in. Oh, a little FYI 2:42 returns during those delightful puberty years, however head spinning, and eye rolling are included. Loved this post!
May 28, 2013 at 6:44 am
We haven’t gotten to that one yet. Pages aren’t as chewable as she likes.
May 27, 2013 at 6:42 am
Outstanding! Love it!
May 27, 2013 at 7:10 am
Oh, this was perfect. I cannot wait until she starts her own blog.
This is too weird but my husband just found all these old videos of my daughter and one of them is simply me sneezing like an idiot over and over again while she laughs like a maniac. Good stuff. Oh, how I miss the days when all I had to do was sneeze! Now she’s bored and unimpressed unless I’m juggling knives while doing a headstand.
May 28, 2013 at 6:43 am
She was sitting in her high chair during the fake-sneezing and the gold moment was when she sort of collapsed to one side, laughing. It was all too much.
May 27, 2013 at 8:35 am
Let’s hope your daughter can forgive you for sharing all of her innermost thoughs. At least you’re safe for four to six years while she learns to read.
May 28, 2013 at 11:44 am
Hey, I helped make her. I think, legally, that entitles me to a percentage of her innermost thoughts.
May 28, 2013 at 9:25 pm
Good point. Still, write it into a legal contract and get her to sign it before she can read it.
May 27, 2013 at 8:43 am
It sounds a lot like what I went through with taking care of a puppy. I feel your pain!
May 27, 2013 at 9:08 am
Reblogged this on kotiko jafaridze.
May 27, 2013 at 9:42 am
Brilliant! Your daughter is brilliant! I do love the way she thinks.
I recommend anything by Robert Munsch for reading material (Love You Forever is a personal favourite). http://robertmunsch.com/
May 28, 2013 at 11:45 am
Oh, yes, we have that one. I do like him.
May 27, 2013 at 10:53 am
Wow. Only 6 months old and already journaling. That is quite an impressive baby you’ve got there. What’s next . . . Pulitzer by 3? Cure for cancer by 5? I predict world domination by the age of 10. Just to be safe, we better all be on her good side. What’s her favorite thing right now . . . cheerios, puffs, strained peas? I’m sending a gift basket right now.
May 28, 2013 at 11:45 am
We’re still gearing up for solid foods. For simplicity’s sake, I’m leaning toward bottle-feeding until high-school.
May 27, 2013 at 11:00 am
Sounds like you are being a great dad, Just allow her to speak when he finally gets the words to encourage actually communication so you don;t have to guess.
May 27, 2013 at 11:17 am
My kids both tried 11.30am at various times in their lives – but the cat saw to it that they wouldn’t make the same mistake twice…
May 28, 2013 at 11:46 am
So far they haven’t retaliated, they just get mad and leave. I’m hoping when one finally gets pushed too far that it’s a minor skirmish.
May 27, 2013 at 3:53 pm
THe lyrics of her new song really speak to me. When may me expect it to be released?
May 28, 2013 at 6:48 am
It’s going to be a double album, with my improvised songs on the other one. They include such hits as “Little Baby With A Bee On Her Bottom,” “Favorite Baby In The World,” and “Who Likes Peeing? (We Like Peeing!)”
May 27, 2013 at 5:18 pm
Love it! Sounds like it was one of her good days. Whatever you do, do not ever read her a book you do not like. It will become her favorite and you will be stuck reading it two dozen times every night. My husband still sometimes recites Pigs Ahoy when he wants to get on my nerves.
May 27, 2013 at 6:15 pm
Very nice. I was hoping for a glimpse into the rationale of why clean clothes + diaper = poo explosion at the worst time/place.
May 28, 2013 at 6:50 am
Yeah, sometimes I think about baby events occurring as an adult. “I seem to have pooped my pants… and it’s also on my back and thighs and stomach and genitals” would qualify as a landmark bad day.
May 28, 2013 at 10:18 am
So I guess we have that to look forward to in old age… along with puréed food, mobility issues, and everyone talking to us like we’re idiots.
May 27, 2013 at 7:28 pm
I’m definitely hoping the kid puts out a CD. With material like that, I think it’ll go to #1 pretty quickly.
May 28, 2013 at 11:47 am
Oh, she’s a natural.
May 27, 2013 at 7:57 pm
Also investigate Boynton’s Belly Button Book. You will not be sorry.
May 27, 2013 at 8:00 pm
Reposting this on Facebook, BTW. Several friends of mine had babies this spring, and they need to see this post. (And probably will, in the middle of the night.)
May 28, 2013 at 11:47 am
Great – thanks!
May 28, 2013 at 1:18 pm
Anytime. 🙂
May 28, 2013 at 3:55 am
Your daughter will likely skip kindergarten, brilliant.
May 28, 2013 at 6:51 am
I’m going to use it at the admission interview and claim she wrote it. “Yes, she knows the word ‘labyrinthine.’ Are you calling me a liar? You mean, the other kids don’t? Clearly this isn’t an advanced enough kindergarten.”
May 28, 2013 at 8:45 am
D’awww.
May 28, 2013 at 9:58 am
I sincerely hope your daughters first word is “Flimshaw”. Because the world desperately needs a kid like that.
May 29, 2013 at 6:24 am
I intend to raise her as a 19th-century barrister, so the chances are good.
May 28, 2013 at 12:11 pm
I came, I read, I laughed, I tweeted. 🙂
May 28, 2013 at 1:45 pm
If this were written by RantsJr it would have mainly read, “Omnomnomnomnom…” Seventeen years later, it still would…
May 28, 2013 at 2:37 pm
Sure, suuuure. It’s cute now when she’s sucking on tags, but what about when she’s 16, and she leaves the house with her tag sticking up out of the back of her shirt? What then, Dad??
May 29, 2013 at 6:30 am
“Hey! Hey, come here, young lady! You are not going out of the house dressed like that. You tuck the tag in to that black, lace bra this instant!”
May 28, 2013 at 2:42 pm
How do I get her life? I want to be a musician, animal tracker, and literary critic all in the same day.
May 28, 2013 at 4:32 pm
I can’t believe she’s six months old already!
May 31, 2013 at 2:13 pm
Can’t wait to hear the inner workings of a 2 year old! This was great for a laugh…