What Goes Through My Head When I Look At The Hubble Deep-Field Images

March 26, 2012

Humor

As you may have seen last week, there are new images taken by the Hubble telescope from deep field. This isn’t just deep space – this is up to an estimated 13 billion years in space/time.  What they did was, instead of pointing the telescope at something, they – in what sounds like something that would be done in the waning hours of the NASA Christmas party – pointed it at nothing.  Just a little blank patch of space to see if anything was there.

Lookit! Lookit! Lookitlookitlookit!

What was there were thousands of galaxies.  Thousands.  Here is a basic rundown of my thoughts.

I want to go there.  And I want to go there. And I want to go there. And I want to go there. And I want to go there. And I want to go there…

The universe is really, really… big.  It’s just really… big.

You know what I haven’t watched in a long time? Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan.  I love that movie.  KHHHAAAAAAAAAANNN!!!!

So, in this tiny patch of space, assuming an average galaxy size, let’s say 1 in every 1,000 of the stars out there had planets around it.  Of those, 1 in every 100,000 had 1 planet in the “Goldilocks Zone” capable of supporting life. Just of those, 1 in every million actually had intelligent life, that would still be 1,000 planets with intelligent life on them just in that little patch we’re looking at.  And people think we’re it?

Statically speaking? Real. Real real real.

And if just 1 in 1,000 of those planets supporting life have light sabers?  Then light sabers are real.  Cooooooooooool.

Seriously, Ashton Kutcher gets to go in to space, and I don’t?  What kind of unholy bullshit is that? What’s he going to do?  Tweet it?  “Totes in #space!  Cocktails later.”

I wish Carl Sagan could see this.  Maybe he can. Of course, if he’s capable of seeing this, he’s probably able to see much, much more. Hm.  What can Carl Sagan see?

Hey, citizens of the universe! What better way to get to know the people of Earth than a subscription to The Byronic Man?

I wonder if any of the planets out there have blogs.  Would they like my blog?  They should like my blog.  Everyone should like my blog.

Why doesn’t everyone like my blog?

Honestly, now, I would right pages of prose poetry if I got to go in to orbit.  Yes, I know “Really big” was all I could come up with earlier, but give me time!  But, oh, I dedicated myself to being good, and noble because I’m an idiot.  Apparently I should have focused a little more energy on punking people and replacing despicable actors on the worst program on TV!  That’s what gets you into orbit in this part of the globe, sister!

It should be called the Shrimp Galaxy. Or The Byronic man.com galaxy. Less logical but I'd be willing to go with it.

Huh, look at that one that kind of looks like a shrimp, in the lower left hand part of the image.  What is that?  Mmmmm, shrimp.

Every time I look in a telescope I feel like I’m looking at one of those 3D images that never turn in to the unicorn or the wolf or whatever.  It’s just a little blurry spot, and people staring at you expectantly.

Hm, I feel kind of bad.  Kutcher might be a very nice guy. I don’t know.

Nice enough to buy me a ticket on Virgin Galactic?

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About The Byronic Man

Recently voted "The Best Humor Blog in America That I, Personally, Write," The Byronic Man is sometimes fiction, sometimes autobiography. And sometimes cultural criticism. Oh, and occasionally reviews. Okay, it's all those different things, but always humorous. Except on the occasions that it's not. Ah, geez. Look, it's a lot of things, okay? You might like it, is the point.

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40 Comments on “What Goes Through My Head When I Look At The Hubble Deep-Field Images”

  1. MJ, Nonstepmom Says:

    I’m sure you’re already a hit in the Shrimp Galaxy – but when they hit “follow” it takes 10 light years before it registers here. It would be in Ashton’s best interest to take you with – his tweets from space would be much funnier.

    Oh – another band name : “Tweets from Space” !

    Reply

    • The Byronic Man Says:

      Do you think I could notify Word Press that I’m pretty sure I’m very popular there, and they’d bump up my subscriber count and daily hit count by several million? It’d make me feel good.

      Reply

  2. Hamza Says:

    If you’re planning to comprehend the vastness of the world, give up mate, save yourself the disappointment.

    Reply

    • The Byronic Man Says:

      Maybe – though it’s stiff competition – my favorite moment in the Hitchhiker’s Guide To The Galaxy series, is when Zaphod is put in the machine that forces one to comprehend his importance in the universe.

      Reply

    • Alison Armstrong Says:

      I’m reminded of Carl Sagan’s book ‘Contact’ (the movie, too, I guess… although it was a bit ‘meh’). When the main character is wormholing her way to all of the coolest parts of the galaxies she is overwhelmed and is thinking through the fact that not everyone gets to see what she’s seeing and she says ‘They should have sent a poet’. I’m too young to have seen the Carl Sagan documentaries but I came across them online once — now to bother to sit down and figure out what all the fuss was about.

      Reply

      • The Byronic Man Says:

        One of my favorite comedians is Dana Gould, and he has this great routine about the US going to the moon, and learning that – of course – the “This is one small step for man” proclamation was written for Armstrong. He then talks about NASA locking a bunch of poets in a basement, spitballing inspirational quotes. “How about ‘Holy shit, the moon!'” “I like it! It’s to the point. What else you got?”

        Reply

  3. BrainRants Says:

    These type of photos from Hubble just make me feel tiny and insignificant. The numbers associated with it all are beyond comprehension. Mainly because I can’t get past ten without removing my boots.

    Oh, and Ashton Kucher is a retard.

    Reply

    • The Byronic Man Says:

      I know. Any time there’s a planet that discovered that could, possibly, maybe have life, or some amazing spot in the cosmos – astronomers try to explain how far it is and then have to break down and just say, “Look, we can’t get there, okay? And they can’t get to us.”

      Reply

  4. She's a Maineiac Says:

    If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say that the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.
    George Carlin

    The universe is really, really… big. It’s just really… big.
    B-Man (this line had me laughing so hard, yes, it was a coffee-out-the-nose moment)

    I also think everyone should subscribe to your blog! Seems everyone is…weren’t you at 666 followers about a week ago?! Damn! My blog follower numbers climb slower than molasses running uphill in the dead of winter.

    Reply

    • The Byronic Man Says:

      You know, reading it here, it makes me think that I just sorta, kinda, in a less funny way, plagiarized Douglas Adams: “Space is big. You just won’t believe how vastly, hugely, mind-bogglingly big it is. I mean, you may think it’s a long way down the road to the chemist’s, but that’s just peanuts to space.””

      Reply

      • She's a Maineiac Says:

        I don’t think your stole it. I mean, having a thought that the universe if big, really, really big is a thought you are entitled to have. And the way you write it is hysterical. So take that, Douglas Adams!

        Reply

  5. susielindau Says:

    This is awesome! I got sucked right in and read, “I want to go there…..” Hilarious. I missed that Kutcher is going into space. Now I wanna go too!

    Off to tweet this into cyberspace…

    Reply

  6. sj Says:

    “Space,” it says, “is big. Really big. You just won’t believe how vastly hugely mindboggingly big it is. I mean you may think it’s a long way down the road to the chemist, but that’s just peanuts to space.”

    I always get a little weepy when I see new photos like this. [sad sigh] I always thought when I was little that I’d get to go to there, but so far I’ve been disappointed.

    Have you seen this? It’s a 360 view of the night sky, You can zoom in and use the arrow keys to visit different parts of the sky. I had it as my desktop for over a year.

    Reply

    • The Byronic Man Says:

      I don’t know if you saw my response to Darla/She’s A Maineiac’s comment, but I immediately realized I’d basically stolen from Adams, and done a poor job of it.

      And I hear you on the “getting to see space/other planets” dream as a kid. It’s not looking good, is it. We need a double-whammy, I think, of medical science radically increasing life-span/quality and rapid advances in the space program.

      Reply

      • sj Says:

        You must have typed that while I was looking for the link to the view of space. I am not ashamed to admit that I spent several minutes stargazing before reminding myself that I had originally intended to post it here.

        Great minds and whatnot.

        Reply

  7. Arindam Says:

    Do you really think that, “you would right pages of prose poetry if you got to go in to orbit?”
    This is a hilarious post. And last thing, everyone should like your blog for sure.

    Reply

  8. thesinglecell Says:

    Neil DeGrasse Tyson did a Thing recently about how significant we are in the universe. I didn’t watch it, or read it, or whatever, but I remember seeing it. I suppose my lack of interest at the time is an argument against Neil DeGrasse Tyson’s significance. Or in favor of my ignorance.

    I think that little shrimp galaxy (redundant?) is where Admiral Ackbar is from.

    Reply

  9. tomwisk Says:

    Ashton Kutcher in space. Maybe he’ll get lost or get picked up by an older alien female and whisked off to the galactic version of Palm Springs. My view of the cosmos is a mash-up of Carl Sagan, Neil Degrasse Tyson and Douglas Adams. It scares me sometimes to look up on a clear night and realize that we’re only a speck in a realllly big sandbox.

    Reply

  10. Bluejellybeans Says:

    Nice try… maybe Ashton loooves your blog and call you today to ask you out in a date, an intergalatic date (friend date).
    😉

    Reply

  11. they still let me vote Says:

    VERY much like the blog – Thanks.

    I’m just wondering, though, if NASA really were trying to take a picture of “nothing” OR – as most little boys would do with such a powerful telescope – they were in fact trying to turn it around and use the Sun to burn an ant that had REALLY annoyed them…

    Reply

  12. pegoleg Says:

    It’s kind of like you were free-floating in deep space because you were free-associating in blog space. Kinda the same. Sort of.

    I’m sure I would like Ashton Kutcher a whole lot more if he was in a different galaxy, billions and billions of stars away.

    Reply

  13. gojulesgo Says:

    I bet Ashton Kutcher would like your blog. (How is it that EVERYONE watches Two and a Half Men and I’ve never met ANYONE who watches Two and a Half Men?)

    Odds for light sabers looking good. I’d better make space in my craft room. …Get it? SPACE in my craft room. Oh man. I hope they like bad jokes on Shrimp Planet.

    Reply

  14. Highest Form of Whit Says:

    “LOOKIT. lookitlookitlookit.” made me choke on the banana I’m eating. That… sounds so wrong. I would take it back, but I’m totally eating a banana write (see what I did there?) now.

    Reply

  15. Jackie Cangro Says:

    This is really going to screw up that mnemonic device to remember the order of the planets:
    My Very Eager Mother Just Served Us Nine Pizzas

    Come to think of it I’d better change it up now that Pluto has been demoted.

    Reply

  16. SzaboInSlowMo Says:

    Well, we like your blog on this planet, but this gets me to wondering why WordPress isn’t tracking our stats from the inter-galactic perspective. Until then, how will we know?

    As for Ashton Kutcher, I feel pretty sure he’ll be no more liked in outer space than he is here.

    Reply

    • The Byronic Man Says:

      WordPress… so lazy, aren’t they? Oh, they’ll upgrade the stats page, and notifications and formatting regularly, but where are my theoretical extra-terrestrial stats??

      Reply

  17. Blogdramedy Says:

    You want big? Come inside my head when I’m stuck for a blog post. The empty space goes on to infinity and beyond. 🙂

    Reply

  18. skippingstones Says:

    Ack – that is the one thing I can’t let myself think about, because how can space be so big? How is it possible for something to just keep going on and on, without boundary? What is holding it in? There has to be an end, right? But if there is an end, what kind of boundary is it? And if all that space is boxed in, then what is holding the box? And what is holding whatever is holding the box? Oh boy…

    Reply

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