Whoa. Whoa. Just… just hold the phone a second…
Someone is looking for people to colonize Mars and NO ONE TOLD ME??
Yes, the company Mars One is screening applicants to undergo a rigorous training and then make the 9-month trip to Mars and establish a permanent settlement on the red planet. And I am so obviously the ideal choice for this is just ridiculous. I’d laugh sardonically if I weren’t so busy doing push-ups to get read for the physical.
So Mars One? You should hire me immediately. Search is over; smoke ‘em if you got ‘em; stop drilling, you’ve hit oil: I am your guy. I am sure you will be receiving applications from a lot of people and may be wondering what makes me stand out from the crowd? What makes me out of this world?
Well you just got a little taste of the first thing: space puns.
A lot of applicants will probably be scared off by the spoooooky Mars Face thing, so I’m pretty much a shoe-in.
Most of your applicants, you hire them, they’re at the press conference, and some reporter says, “How are you feeling about this mission?” and he’s like, “Oh, I anticipate success and expect cultivate the payload future blah blah snore.” America changes the channel. Me? Same question, my response: “I think it’s going to be stellar.” BAM! America’s saying, “Wow! He’s optimistic and it’s funny because that’s where he’s going! Hurray Mars!”
But I have more to offer than wit. Much, much more.
Why should you please hire me to colonize Mars?
Did you know Saturn isn’t spherical, but actually ovoid? No? Hm. I’ll send you a postcard from Mars.
Because I know tons about space. For example, Europa is a moon around Jupiter. We’re on some space mission and the co-pilot says, “It says we’re supposed to turn left at Europa, but that’s back on Earth! What do we do!?” And I could explain that he’s thinking of Europe, which is a continent. Europa is a big moon by the biggest planet which is named for a Roman God (but isn’t Mars).
Because I can do that countdown thing with the echo. You know, how it’s like, “10 10, 9 9, 8 8, 7 7, 6 6…” You’d think you were sitting in the bleachers, watching a launch from Cape Byronic Man (I’m anticipating a name change).
I’ve seen the Schwarzenegger movie Total Recall several times. You know the part where a recording gets stuck and Arnie keeps saying “Git your ahss to Mawz” over and over? I’ll refrain from saying that to the other colonists over and over, even though that’d be hi-larious.
Could I get one of these that doesn’t make me look fat?
I’m not saying I won’t overthrow the local authority and establish my own personal empire on Mars… but, I will promise to try not to. Or at least to try to try.
Because I have trained myself to poop in a bag. Oh, they laughed at me. Shunned me. Called the police on me. But I knew the day might come when I’d have a chance to go in to space and they’d say “You know you have to poop in a bag, right?” And I’d be ready. “No problem,” I’d say.
Because I carry Tang with me at all times. Sometimes you go to a nice restaurant and they don’t serve Tang because they hate America and progress, so I carry some with me so I can whip up a mug, or, if I’m out for cocktails, a Mar-tang-I (patent pending).
Because I’ve read The Martian Chronicles AND War of the Worlds, so I think I’m prepared for pretty much every eventuality.
So I look forward to working with you, and in lieu of awaiting a response, I will simply start packing and put the house up for sale. I know you’re going to find my contribution to the program a real thrill, and being an astronaut will just put me over the moon (ha! I did it again!)
Hey, I can see my house from here!
The Byronic Man 
April 25, 2013 at 6:11 am
I’m sure you’d be a very good Mars colonist, but we’d surely miss you in the blogosphere. You’d have to make some sort of arrangement as to how you would send back your blog posts from the space vehicle as you traveled during the four-year trip and then all the while you live on Mars. I hope that the colonization effort packs enough food and beverages for the long-haul. Y’all are going to be there a while and there aren’t any stores that I know of in the vicinity. But I know you’ll be a first-rate colonial baron.
April 25, 2013 at 1:11 pm
First things I’ll do is set up an internet, brewpub, and restaurant district.
April 25, 2013 at 6:12 am
Is there a job you are not fit for?? You should just be made CEO or something of every job.
Send me postcard from there pls..i can really use some. “Hey i know a celebrity” thing.
April 25, 2013 at 1:11 pm
I’m remarkably skilled, aren’t I?
April 25, 2013 at 6:12 am
Well. You had me at “poop in a bag”! I eagerly await my postcard.
Also. I see quite a promising Tweet over there on the right… !
April 25, 2013 at 1:12 pm
I hope so. It was at least conveyed to me as a promise…
April 25, 2013 at 6:17 am
It’s between you and this guy: http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_ThgHLl9IA5o/S6tdsXXFp0I/AAAAAAAABbs/IbkEmYgiFJw/s1600/Duck-Dodgers-003.jpg
April 25, 2013 at 1:12 pm
I looooooved Duck Dodgers in the 24th and a half century.
April 25, 2013 at 6:19 am
Do you know how I know that I’m going to have a great day today? I just saw the words wordTang and it reminded me of poontang. I’d not heard either word for some time, but poontang makes me laugh hysterically. I think it was one of those words I had to pretend to know what it meant when the bigger kids said it. They’d say they were gonna get some poontang after the dance and I’d be all thinking huh, is that some kind of drink or desserty or something? I guess in some respects it was!
Thanks for the chuckle, sir.You’d hate Mars, I was abducted and brought there once. There is no internet connectivity and they listen to a lot of Patsy Cline, which I’m ok with, but some folks aren’t.
April 25, 2013 at 1:13 pm
That’s a very strange abduction, indeed, that led to the discovery of a lack of internet and listening to Patsy Cline.
April 25, 2013 at 6:45 am
Maybe you can snack on some marzipan with your martangi, a nice combo.
April 25, 2013 at 1:13 pm
And mallo-mars, of course!
April 25, 2013 at 6:57 am
If the interviewer happens to be wearing space pants you should immediately take advantage of the situation and open up with, “Are those space pants your wearing, because I can see myself inside them.” Following several hours of frantic hand shaking and applause welcoming you into the space program you should then walk out of the office, point to your rear and say, “now my ass is out of this world.” This will of course be followed by even more applause and a space related autobiography which will immediately become a best seller.
April 26, 2013 at 6:34 am
Luckily, I’ve already got my auto-biography written (why wait?) and it includes colonizing Mars and having a terrific ass (which was not easy to work in…)
April 25, 2013 at 6:58 am
Ooh! I know you said you would ‘try to try’ not to form your own Mars empire, but if you do…can I come with? I’ll bring my own poop bag.
April 25, 2013 at 1:17 pm
Of course you can – and I have plenty of poop bags to share; I buy in bulk. You save a lot over time, you really do.
April 25, 2013 at 5:38 pm
Should you decide to form your own Mars empire, you’ll need a trusty, tough and scary second banana who’s a bit trigger-happy with the mutant 3-breasted hookers. I have a great scary voice, a nice shaved head and I’m a crack shot…plus I promise to laugh at all your jokes, puns and other humour, no matter how inane it may become.
April 26, 2013 at 6:36 am
Can you be ready with a pun for me to say when I do something cool or hit someone? Just in case nothing comes to mind?
April 26, 2013 at 2:14 pm
I could never presume to “out-pun” the King of Mars, though I could probably manage a comment like: “Very trendy for Mars, B-Boss” (when you do something cool) or “Far out, Byronic!” (when you do something cool and I’m smoking a doobie) or a really lame pun like “Nice sting, B-Man!” (when you hit someone). After all, second banana = second class funnyman. Alternatively, when nothing comes to mind, you could just kick over your aquarium in disgust and make me scramble to save the goldfish…
April 25, 2013 at 6:59 am
Some might think you’re being a lunar-tic but I think you’re going to be a Star. If there’s going to be a going away launch-eon, I’ll help planet.
April 25, 2013 at 7:38 am
That’starific.
April 25, 2013 at 1:16 pm
For some reason this reminded me of this AWFUL TV show from when I was about 5 called “Astro-Nuts.” It was a Gilligan’s Island set in space, and in every episode somebody would confuse the “launch” button with the “lunch” button and Oh! the hilarity that would ensue!
April 25, 2013 at 7:12 am
Well, I would hire you based on your stash of Tang. The after taste is clearly out of this world. Plus, what other candidate would come equipped with his own cape?
April 25, 2013 at 1:17 pm
Exactly. That’s how John Glenn got selected to go in to space: had his own cape.
April 25, 2013 at 7:25 am
A four-year mission, you say? Because I thought I read that it was a one-way trip. That was the catch. The asterisk at the end of the offer. Oops, sorry, to be clear: you can’t go home again. Wah wah.
One question: what if Mars doesn’t have internet?
April 25, 2013 at 1:21 pm
Well, it is one-way, but that doesn’t really work for me. I figure I’ll just quit after 4 years.
April 25, 2013 at 7:36 am
We’ll miss you when you’re gone, Byronic!
April 25, 2013 at 9:18 am
Oh, I’ll still be posting. And I’ll have the most popular blog on the whole planet!! (assuming I’m the only one posting…)
April 25, 2013 at 8:16 am
Mar-Tang-i … sounds lovely. Shaken, not stirred. 🙂
April 25, 2013 at 1:22 pm
I strongly recommend not getting it with an olive.
April 25, 2013 at 5:42 pm
How about with a baby onion instead to compliment that great after-taste?
April 25, 2013 at 8:55 am
tell me that the Mar-Tangi-i has the rim of the glass covered with Tang,,pls,,,sugary pleasures,,,,mmmm
April 25, 2013 at 1:23 pm
Hm, or just crystalized sugar. Either/or.
April 26, 2013 at 5:10 am
maybe the sugary kool aid,,,they have “far out” colours!
April 25, 2013 at 9:32 am
I love your satires. 😀
But seriously, if someone has the ability to poop in a bag, they should totally list that on their resume. Mad skills.
April 25, 2013 at 1:22 pm
I find a demonstration makes a much bigger impression.
April 25, 2013 at 5:45 pm
…unless you have projectile diarrhea; then, a vacuum hose is called for.
April 25, 2013 at 10:01 am
I think extreme wit would be important in space. Otherwise, you’d just have a vacuum…
April 25, 2013 at 1:23 pm
In space, no one can hear you guffaw.
April 25, 2013 at 4:52 pm
Haha! If a girder falls in space, and there’s no air to carry the sound, did it fall?
April 25, 2013 at 5:46 pm
Yes – and because it’s weightless, it just keeps on falling.
April 25, 2013 at 6:47 pm
Weightless, but not massless. Inertia could keep it moving, assuming it’s part of a moving starship (that changes direction after the girder detaches) in the first place.
April 25, 2013 at 10:18 am
Bet you a dollar the Martangi already exists . . .
April 25, 2013 at 1:23 pm
Probably. If so, I intend to sue.
April 25, 2013 at 1:30 pm
I know a good lawyer. I’ll get you a deal on attorney’s fees. You can probably even pay in booze.
April 26, 2013 at 6:37 am
Nice. How about booze and guest posts?
April 25, 2013 at 10:31 am
You’d be the PERFECT applicant except for one thing; there’s absolutely no way you could refrain from saying “Git your ahss to Mawz”. Over and over again. Resistance would be futile.
April 25, 2013 at 1:25 pm
That and anytime someone was out of breath yelling, “You got what you want, now GIVE DEEZ PEEPUH AIYAH!”
April 25, 2013 at 3:34 pm
That line’s a little more obscure, so maybe you could resist. Or you could NOT resist just beCAUSE it is more obscure and you would want to show off your knowledge of obscure movie quotes. Either way, there’s absolutely no way ANYone could resist doing the fakey, bug-eyed, tongue sticking out Ahnold-after-falling-down-the-hill-on-Mars routine.
April 25, 2013 at 5:47 pm
…not to mention the weird, stifled gurgling noises that go with it.
April 25, 2013 at 10:46 am
I would join the colonization effort, but I can’t imagine how much the long distance calls home to my Grandparents and Niece would cost. I just don’t have that kind of money.
April 25, 2013 at 1:26 pm
Eh, just call collect. What are they going to do about it?
April 25, 2013 at 11:12 am
They should hire you solely for all the Mar-tang-I they’ll get to have. Who doesn’t love tang?
April 25, 2013 at 1:24 pm
Exactly. That’s why I always bring some on first dates. I’d bring it on second dates, but for some reason there never are any…
April 25, 2013 at 11:22 am
take a pouched pet when you shuttle off to Mars – a kangaroo, wombat, koala, something along those lines. you’ll have your unspoken pun to carry along with you…
April 25, 2013 at 5:54 pm
…and if you take an opossum, it can amuse your fellow colonists by playing dead, which will give you the excuse to say: “You got what you want, now GIVE MAH O-PAW-SUM AIYAH!”
April 25, 2013 at 1:45 pm
So recently I was making a list of rules I would institute should I become queen of the world and — I’m not just blowing rocket exhaust here — I thought of you and another blogger or two who already have big plans for ruling the world. I really only have a few rules and they’re really all about me.
My solution to this was to become queen of another planet where I could institute my rules from the get-go.
I guess Mars is out. (But I would totally come visit once you have things in order.)
April 25, 2013 at 5:59 pm
Don’t lose hope! If Byronic becomes king of Mars, you could always become queen of one of its two moons, Deimos (terror) or Phobos (fear).
April 26, 2013 at 6:39 am
Well, there’s Venus, of course, because then if someone showed up looking for me you could say, “No, no – the Byronic Man is from Mars. Women are from Venus.” And then just laugh and laugh and laugh and laugh.
April 26, 2013 at 6:45 am
Fabtastic idea. I thank you, and Bananarama thanks you.
April 26, 2013 at 6:47 am
Oh Bananarama. They are, indeed my fire. My one desire.
April 25, 2013 at 8:29 pm
The only thing that remains for you to do now is to actually apply on that site, and I didn’t see you application there. Although, it looks like your credentials are strong enough so you probably won’t need to jump through the hoops, or whatever physical training they’ll put you through.
April 26, 2013 at 6:40 am
I’m going for the idea that anyone who applies is an “in-the-box” thinker, and thus unqualified, and that the real pool of applicants is everyone else.
April 25, 2013 at 8:30 pm
You do realize that the weightlessness of space causes… Everyone… To… Talk… Like… Captain…Kirk.
Oh, and there is no water at the core of Mars, only caramel. 😉
April 26, 2013 at 6:43 am
I remember seeing him in something else, some “They’re Trying To Kill The President!” movie from the 70’s, and you get used to Cpt. Kirk talking that way, but it’s almost unbearable to see Shatner as a government agent and. yet. he’s STILL. talking. LIKE. THIS.
April 26, 2013 at 4:49 am
I’m sure there are some on this planet who would give you a great reference just to cut down the blogging competition. But I’m not one of them, B-Man. Really.
April 26, 2013 at 6:43 am
Are you kidding? I’d get freshly pressed every day in the “Mars” category!
April 26, 2013 at 7:19 am
Being Freshly PEGGED is the real ticket!
April 26, 2013 at 2:15 pm
OH yeah. But I’ll invent the Freshly Marsed award just for B-man.
April 26, 2013 at 2:17 pm
You’ll need to add antennae to the picture!
April 26, 2013 at 3:10 pm
Maybe B-Man could get one of the old SNL bee outfits to wear…oh wait; wrong kind of antennae…sorry, cheap humour…couldn’t resist…
April 26, 2013 at 4:38 pm
That is a totally cheesy, cheap and tacky idea. And I once did it in a grad school play. I feel like a floozy. And I wish I were making it up!
April 26, 2013 at 7:26 am
Ok, I have one question. Which one of you Byromaniac’s have started the petition to keep The Byronic Man right here on earth so he can continue the to entertain the blogoshpere? Pass it this way I will be signing it.
April 26, 2013 at 9:36 am
Clever, very clever… but do you have the Austrian accent down for your close up? What a fun post!
April 26, 2013 at 11:09 am
I’ll race you there, but if it looks anything like Afghanistan when I get there I’m gonna fly back.
May 1, 2013 at 7:02 am
Holy shit it’s BrainRants! Does this mean you’re stateside?
April 26, 2013 at 11:43 am
Dear Mr. Byronic,
We at Mars One ran across your unorthodox application and have a few questions:
1. Martian humor requires interspecies sensibilities. How are your extra-terrestrial limericks?
2. Most of our interstellar maps reference Io, not Europa. Seen any chimps with obelisks?
3. We’re sorry, but poop bags are *so* 1960. Please reference the Ronco 5-Tray Food Dehydrator and Beef Jerky Maker.
Thank you for your interest.
John Carter
April 26, 2013 at 2:23 pm
3. AGGH! You mean to say that “Maritan Red” is excrement!?!
April 26, 2013 at 2:25 pm
3. AGGH! You mean to say that “MARTIAN Red” is excrement!?!
April 26, 2013 at 7:55 pm
Soilent Green is people… er… poop.
April 28, 2013 at 2:20 am
If you can refrain from saying “Git your ahss to Mawz” at every opportunity then you are a stronger man than Ape and surely deserve to go. I’m holding out for Uran … must resist immature joke hmphh…
April 30, 2013 at 2:52 am
Just pronounce it “You-ran-us” and you’ll be fine…
April 30, 2013 at 3:09 am
“You-Ran-Us”. You’re right. Wait a minute. Is that a sly reference to George W?
April 30, 2013 at 3:22 am
Here’s a happy thought: Maybe we could convince Dubya to retire there…just tell him it’s peaceful and quiet so his naps won’t be interrupted. Think of all the money the secret service could save knowing he’s safe and sound…
April 30, 2013 at 3:05 pm
Haha! I can just hear his speech now as his rocket propelled Memorial Library Lander opens up it’s doors to the Mars surface. “Greetings my favourite Martians! Hehe. A little Star Trek humor there folks. Not since Buzz Armstrong first set foot on this surface …”
May 1, 2013 at 6:30 am
“Buzz Armstrong, famous jazz musician and star of Toy Story – truly an accomplished fella.”
April 28, 2013 at 4:38 pm
So in case you need to diversify from the Mar-tang-i, I thought I should put in a word for Goontang. It’s tang made up with cask wine which we here downunder call Goon. Friends invented it in college. I guarantee it will keep life on Mars entertaining, especially if you take a Jesus wig and a boyscout uniform up there with you. Godspeed!
April 28, 2013 at 7:57 pm
Just the very mention of Tang makes me happy.
I don’t know if I can hire you without knowing your plan of attack against Marvin the Martian from Looney Tunes. He’s a sneaky one.
May 1, 2013 at 7:01 am
Ooooooh, he makes me SO ANGRY!
April 29, 2013 at 1:54 pm
Made this Youtube video for a Friday Dabble thing- you might watch before your launch date. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hhhpb15HLw0
May 1, 2013 at 11:52 am
I’m surprised that no one mentioned this to me at all. Quite frankly, I’m a little heartbroken. Colonizing Mars sounds like the ultimate adventure one could go on. And, by the way, the “Tang” part got me laughing ballistically. Cheers.
xx
June 20, 2013 at 11:31 am
I hope every astronaut has A GO-BAG packed and ready when they land on an alien planet.