Please Hire Me To Colonize Mars

April 25, 2013

Humor

Whoa.  Whoa.  Just… just hold the phone a second…

Someone is looking for people to colonize Mars and NO ONE TOLD ME??

Yes, the company Mars One is screening applicants to undergo a rigorous training and then make the 9-month trip to Mars and establish a permanent settlement on the red planet.  And I am so obviously the ideal choice for this is just ridiculous.  I’d laugh sardonically if I weren’t so busy doing push-ups to get read for the physical.

So Mars One?  You should hire me immediately.  Search is over; smoke ‘em if you got ‘em; stop drilling, you’ve hit oil: I am your guy.  I am sure you will be receiving applications from a lot of people and may be wondering what makes me stand out from the crowd?    What makes me out of this world?

Well you just got a little taste of the first thing: space puns.

A lot of applicants will probably be scared off by the spoooooky Mars Face  thing, so I'm pretty much a shoe-in.

A lot of applicants will probably be scared off by the spoooooky Mars Face thing, so I’m pretty much a shoe-in.

Most of your applicants, you hire them, they’re at the press conference, and some reporter says, “How are you feeling about this mission?” and he’s like, “Oh, I anticipate success and expect cultivate the payload future blah blah snore.” America changes the channel.  Me?  Same question, my response: “I think it’s going to be stellar.”  BAM!  America’s saying, “Wow!  He’s optimistic and it’s funny because that’s where he’s going!  Hurray Mars!”

But I have more to offer than wit.  Much, much more.

Why should you please hire me to colonize Mars?

Did you know Saturn isn’t spherical, but actually ovoid? No? Hm. I’ll send you a postcard from Mars.

Because I know tons about space. For example, Europa is a moon around Jupiter.  We’re on some space mission and the co-pilot says, “It says we’re supposed to turn left at Europa, but that’s back on Earth!  What do we do!?” And I could explain that he’s thinking of Europe, which is a continent.  Europa is a big moon by the biggest planet which is named for a Roman God (but isn’t Mars).

Because I can do that countdown thing with the echo.  You know, how it’s like, “10 10, 9 9, 8 8, 7 7, 6 6…”  You’d think you were sitting in the bleachers, watching a launch from Cape Byronic Man (I’m anticipating a name change).

I’ve seen the Schwarzenegger movie Total Recall several times.  You know the part where a recording gets stuck and Arnie keeps saying “Git your ahss to Mawz” over and over?  I’ll refrain from saying that to the other colonists over and over, even though that’d be hi-larious.

Could I get one of these that doesn’t make me look fat?

I’m not saying I won’t overthrow the local authority and establish my own personal empire on Mars… but, I will promise to try not to.  Or at least to try to try.

Because I have trained myself to poop in a bag.  Oh, they laughed at me.  Shunned me.  Called the police on me.  But I knew the day might come when I’d have a chance to go in to space and they’d say “You know you have to poop in a bag, right?”  And I’d be ready.  “No problem,” I’d say.

Because I carry Tang with me at all times.  Sometimes you go to a nice restaurant and they don’t serve Tang because they hate America and progress, so I carry some with me so I can whip up a mug, or, if I’m out for cocktails, a Mar-tang-I (patent pending).

Because I’ve read The Martian Chronicles AND War of the Worlds, so I think I’m prepared for pretty much every eventuality.

So I look forward to working with you, and in lieu of awaiting a response, I will simply start packing and put the house up for sale.  I know you’re going to find my contribution to the program a real thrill, and being an astronaut will just put me over the moon (ha!  I did it again!)

Hey, I can see my house from here!

Hey, I can see my house from here!

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About The Byronic Man

Recently voted "The Best Humor Blog in America That I, Personally, Write," The Byronic Man is sometimes fiction, sometimes autobiography. And sometimes cultural criticism. Oh, and occasionally reviews. Okay, it's all those different things, but always humorous. Except on the occasions that it's not. Ah, geez. Look, it's a lot of things, okay? You might like it, is the point.

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95 Comments on “Please Hire Me To Colonize Mars”

  1. mairedubhtx Says:

    I’m sure you’d be a very good Mars colonist, but we’d surely miss you in the blogosphere. You’d have to make some sort of arrangement as to how you would send back your blog posts from the space vehicle as you traveled during the four-year trip and then all the while you live on Mars. I hope that the colonization effort packs enough food and beverages for the long-haul. Y’all are going to be there a while and there aren’t any stores that I know of in the vicinity. But I know you’ll be a first-rate colonial baron.

    Reply

  2. Soma Mukherjee Says:

    Is there a job you are not fit for?? You should just be made CEO or something of every job.
    Send me postcard from there pls..i can really use some. “Hey i know a celebrity” thing.

    Reply

  3. Go Jules Go Says:

    Well. You had me at “poop in a bag”! I eagerly await my postcard.

    Also. I see quite a promising Tweet over there on the right… !

    Reply

  4. donofalltrades Says:

    Do you know how I know that I’m going to have a great day today? I just saw the words wordTang and it reminded me of poontang. I’d not heard either word for some time, but poontang makes me laugh hysterically. I think it was one of those words I had to pretend to know what it meant when the bigger kids said it. They’d say they were gonna get some poontang after the dance and I’d be all thinking huh, is that some kind of drink or desserty or something? I guess in some respects it was!

    Thanks for the chuckle, sir.You’d hate Mars, I was abducted and brought there once. There is no internet connectivity and they listen to a lot of Patsy Cline, which I’m ok with, but some folks aren’t.

    Reply

  5. Michelle Becker Says:

    Maybe you can snack on some marzipan with your martangi, a nice combo.

    Reply

  6. josefkul Says:

    If the interviewer happens to be wearing space pants you should immediately take advantage of the situation and open up with, “Are those space pants your wearing, because I can see myself inside them.” Following several hours of frantic hand shaking and applause welcoming you into the space program you should then walk out of the office, point to your rear and say, “now my ass is out of this world.” This will of course be followed by even more applause and a space related autobiography which will immediately become a best seller.

    Reply

  7. She's a Maineiac Says:

    Ooh! I know you said you would ‘try to try’ not to form your own Mars empire, but if you do…can I come with? I’ll bring my own poop bag.

    Reply

    • The Byronic Man Says:

      Of course you can – and I have plenty of poop bags to share; I buy in bulk. You save a lot over time, you really do.

      Reply

      • Paul George Eberlein Says:

        Should you decide to form your own Mars empire, you’ll need a trusty, tough and scary second banana who’s a bit trigger-happy with the mutant 3-breasted hookers. I have a great scary voice, a nice shaved head and I’m a crack shot…plus I promise to laugh at all your jokes, puns and other humour, no matter how inane it may become.

        Reply

        • The Byronic Man Says:

          Can you be ready with a pun for me to say when I do something cool or hit someone? Just in case nothing comes to mind?

          Reply

          • Paul George Eberlein Says:

            I could never presume to “out-pun” the King of Mars, though I could probably manage a comment like: “Very trendy for Mars, B-Boss” (when you do something cool) or “Far out, Byronic!” (when you do something cool and I’m smoking a doobie) or a really lame pun like “Nice sting, B-Man!” (when you hit someone). After all, second banana = second class funnyman. Alternatively, when nothing comes to mind, you could just kick over your aquarium in disgust and make me scramble to save the goldfish…

            Reply

  8. thefoodandwinehedonist Says:

    Some might think you’re being a lunar-tic but I think you’re going to be a Star. If there’s going to be a going away launch-eon, I’ll help planet.

    Reply

  9. Anka Says:

    Well, I would hire you based on your stash of Tang. The after taste is clearly out of this world. Plus, what other candidate would come equipped with his own cape?

    Reply

  10. thesinglecell Says:

    A four-year mission, you say? Because I thought I read that it was a one-way trip. That was the catch. The asterisk at the end of the offer. Oops, sorry, to be clear: you can’t go home again. Wah wah.

    One question: what if Mars doesn’t have internet?

    Reply

  11. skippingstones Says:

    We’ll miss you when you’re gone, Byronic!

    Reply

  12. Fresh Ginger Says:

    Mar-Tang-i … sounds lovely. Shaken, not stirred. 🙂

    Reply

  13. Just Another Canadian Gurl Says:

    tell me that the Mar-Tangi-i has the rim of the glass covered with Tang,,pls,,,sugary pleasures,,,,mmmm

    Reply

  14. Don't Quote Lily Says:

    I love your satires. 😀
    But seriously, if someone has the ability to poop in a bag, they should totally list that on their resume. Mad skills.

    Reply

  15. EagleAye Says:

    I think extreme wit would be important in space. Otherwise, you’d just have a vacuum…

    Reply

  16. mistyslaws Says:

    Bet you a dollar the Martangi already exists . . .

    Reply

  17. pegoleg Says:

    You’d be the PERFECT applicant except for one thing; there’s absolutely no way you could refrain from saying “Git your ahss to Mawz”. Over and over again. Resistance would be futile.

    Reply

    • The Byronic Man Says:

      That and anytime someone was out of breath yelling, “You got what you want, now GIVE DEEZ PEEPUH AIYAH!”

      Reply

      • pegoleg Says:

        That line’s a little more obscure, so maybe you could resist. Or you could NOT resist just beCAUSE it is more obscure and you would want to show off your knowledge of obscure movie quotes. Either way, there’s absolutely no way ANYone could resist doing the fakey, bug-eyed, tongue sticking out Ahnold-after-falling-down-the-hill-on-Mars routine.

        Reply

  18. mymanifesto2012 Says:

    I would join the colonization effort, but I can’t imagine how much the long distance calls home to my Grandparents and Niece would cost. I just don’t have that kind of money.

    Reply

  19. MissFourEyes Says:

    They should hire you solely for all the Mar-tang-I they’ll get to have. Who doesn’t love tang?

    Reply

  20. humanTriumphant Says:

    take a pouched pet when you shuttle off to Mars – a kangaroo, wombat, koala, something along those lines. you’ll have your unspoken pun to carry along with you…

    Reply

    • Paul George Eberlein Says:

      …and if you take an opossum, it can amuse your fellow colonists by playing dead, which will give you the excuse to say: “You got what you want, now GIVE MAH O-PAW-SUM AIYAH!”

      Reply

  21. Hippie Cahier Says:

    So recently I was making a list of rules I would institute should I become queen of the world and — I’m not just blowing rocket exhaust here — I thought of you and another blogger or two who already have big plans for ruling the world. I really only have a few rules and they’re really all about me.

    My solution to this was to become queen of another planet where I could institute my rules from the get-go.

    I guess Mars is out. (But I would totally come visit once you have things in order.)

    Reply

  22. List of X Says:

    The only thing that remains for you to do now is to actually apply on that site, and I didn’t see you application there. Although, it looks like your credentials are strong enough so you probably won’t need to jump through the hoops, or whatever physical training they’ll put you through.

    Reply

  23. Dale Long Says:

    You do realize that the weightlessness of space causes… Everyone… To… Talk… Like… Captain…Kirk.
    Oh, and there is no water at the core of Mars, only caramel. 😉

    Reply

    • The Byronic Man Says:

      I remember seeing him in something else, some “They’re Trying To Kill The President!” movie from the 70’s, and you get used to Cpt. Kirk talking that way, but it’s almost unbearable to see Shatner as a government agent and. yet. he’s STILL. talking. LIKE. THIS.

      Reply

  24. Elyse Says:

    I’m sure there are some on this planet who would give you a great reference just to cut down the blogging competition. But I’m not one of them, B-Man. Really.

    Reply

  25. silkpurseproductions Says:

    Ok, I have one question. Which one of you Byromaniac’s have started the petition to keep The Byronic Man right here on earth so he can continue the to entertain the blogoshpere? Pass it this way I will be signing it.

    Reply

  26. talesfromthemotherland Says:

    Clever, very clever… but do you have the Austrian accent down for your close up? What a fun post!

    Reply

  27. BrainRants Says:

    I’ll race you there, but if it looks anything like Afghanistan when I get there I’m gonna fly back.

    Reply

  28. Sandy Sue Says:

    Dear Mr. Byronic,
    We at Mars One ran across your unorthodox application and have a few questions:
    1. Martian humor requires interspecies sensibilities. How are your extra-terrestrial limericks?
    2. Most of our interstellar maps reference Io, not Europa. Seen any chimps with obelisks?
    3. We’re sorry, but poop bags are *so* 1960. Please reference the Ronco 5-Tray Food Dehydrator and Beef Jerky Maker.
    Thank you for your interest.
    John Carter

    Reply

  29. Ape No. 1 Says:

    If you can refrain from saying “Git your ahss to Mawz” at every opportunity then you are a stronger man than Ape and surely deserve to go. I’m holding out for Uran … must resist immature joke hmphh…

    Reply

    • Paul George Eberlein Says:

      Just pronounce it “You-ran-us” and you’ll be fine…

      Reply

      • Ape No. 1 Says:

        “You-Ran-Us”. You’re right. Wait a minute. Is that a sly reference to George W?

        Reply

        • Paul George Eberlein Says:

          Here’s a happy thought: Maybe we could convince Dubya to retire there…just tell him it’s peaceful and quiet so his naps won’t be interrupted. Think of all the money the secret service could save knowing he’s safe and sound…

          Reply

          • Ape No. 1 Says:

            Haha! I can just hear his speech now as his rocket propelled Memorial Library Lander opens up it’s doors to the Mars surface. “Greetings my favourite Martians! Hehe. A little Star Trek humor there folks. Not since Buzz Armstrong first set foot on this surface …”

            Reply

  30. Kate Says:

    So in case you need to diversify from the Mar-tang-i, I thought I should put in a word for Goontang. It’s tang made up with cask wine which we here downunder call Goon. Friends invented it in college. I guarantee it will keep life on Mars entertaining, especially if you take a Jesus wig and a boyscout uniform up there with you. Godspeed!

    Reply

  31. Angie Z. Says:

    Just the very mention of Tang makes me happy.

    I don’t know if I can hire you without knowing your plan of attack against Marvin the Martian from Looney Tunes. He’s a sneaky one.

    Reply

  32. trailblazer1 Says:

    Made this Youtube video for a Friday Dabble thing- you might watch before your launch date. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hhhpb15HLw0

    Reply

  33. sarahpenguinlove Says:

    I’m surprised that no one mentioned this to me at all. Quite frankly, I’m a little heartbroken. Colonizing Mars sounds like the ultimate adventure one could go on. And, by the way, the “Tang” part got me laughing ballistically. Cheers.
    xx

    Reply

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. 20,000 Applicants From Around the World Are Ready to “Die on Mars” – Introduction to the Mars One Project | Screenshots News - April 29, 2013

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    […] Please Hire Me To Colonize Mars (thebyronicman.com) […]

  3. In Space, No One Can Hear You Scream “Wheeeeee!” | The Byronic Man - June 14, 2013

    […] Please Hire Me To Colonize Mars […]

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