Press Conference Excerpt From When I Am President: #2

December 16, 2010


President Me: … farm allocation thing.  Next question?  Bill.

Bill: Doesn’t it seem risky to dump the entire defense budget into space exploration?

PM: I don’t follow.

B: Well, I mean, we’re… okay, let me ask you this: what is it that you’re hoping to accomplish that requires 50% of our federal budget?

Samantha: And leaves us totally defenseless.

B: Right.  And leaves us totally defenseless against our many, many enemies.

PM: For starters, way to be dramatic.  Secondly, ‘defenseless’?  Uh, check your second amendment.  And once we’ve auctioned off all our military assets to the general public to help fund more space exploration, this country’s going to be CRAZY well-defended, particularly on a house-by-house basis.  I don’t know about you, but I’m going to try to get an attack helicopter, some night-vision goggles, and maybe a bazooka.  That, or a mortar.  Foomp, sssshhhhhh, BOOM! (pause)  Sorry, what was your question?

B: What are you hoping to accomplish with all the space—

PM: Space exploration! Right, right.  Well, Bill, I guess I’m a little confused.  I mean, it’s space exploration.

B: Right…but what’s the objective?

PM: As in, going in to space.

B: (silence)

PM: In spaceships.


B: But—

PM: Jesus, Bill.  What the fuck?  It’s like you’re sitting here, “Mr. President!  Mr. President!  Why are you pouring hot fudge on that ice cream?!”  It’s a spaceship, and  you go to, like, Mars, where there’s a space station, when you get there, you’re in a space station on Mars!  Next question.  Please.

Frank: Mr. President, a follow up on this last question.  Will the spaceship have laser cannons?

PM: Okay, now, see?  Hell yes, it’ll have laser cannons!  See?  Bill?  He gets it.  (looks around)

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About The Byronic Man

Recently voted "The Best Humor Site in America That I, Personally, Write," The Byronic Man is sometimes fiction, but sometimes autobiography. And sometimes cultural criticism. Oh, and occasionally reviews. Okay, it's all those different things, but always humorous. Except on the occasions that it's not. Ah, geez. Look, it's a lot of things, okay? You might like it, is the point.

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2 Comments on “Press Conference Excerpt From When I Am President: #2”

  1. theotherworldview Says:

    I would vote for you so hard…

    Sadly I’m in Canada…

    So can’t vote for presidents.



  1. In Space, No One Can Hear You Scream “Wheeeeee!” | The Byronic Man - June 14, 2013

    […] Press Conference From When I Am President: Funding Space Exporation […]

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