There aren’t many things in life you can know for sure but here are two –
It’s scientific fact: Everything is better with cheese on it.
See? This post is already improved, and this is only a picture.
Also fact: Everything is better with actor Michael Keaton in it.
But sometimes it can be confusing to know which is the better improvement for a given situation. Sure, as a general rule food + cheese and movie + Michael Keaton, but that’s just the tip of the “making things better” iceberg. And you may often find yourself wondering: Cheese? Or Michael Keaton?
Try these practice scenarios and see how you do!
You’re hosting a birthday party, and worried about the guests having a good time.
Cheese? Or Michael Keaton?: This is a tough one, and it really comes down to a question of who the party is for. Though you know he’d make one hell of a clown, Keaton’s devilish wit and anarchic charm might be disturbing to young children. Best stick with lots of cheese here. Adults? Obviously, you still want lots of cheese present, but if you have to choose, you’re guests are going to have a better time at the Michael Keaton party than the cheese party.
Cheese with cheese on top. Now that’s smart thinking.
You’re making a pie for a family gathering.
Cheese? Or Michael Keaton?: I have yet to hear back from Keaton’s people about his pie-making abilities (call me back, God damn it!), but on the off chance someone might misinterpret this and try to make Michael Keaton in to a pie, let’s stick with cheese on this one.
You’re staging community theater production of Cats.
Cheese? Or Michael Keaton?: Ah, you’re thinking ‘No brainer. Michael Keaton.’ But no! You see, though Keaton would improve the production immeasurably, he’d still be drowned under cat make-up, have no dialogue to say in a way that manages to be intense, sincere and hilarious all at the same time, and he’d be in Cats, and that can only get so good (as in: awful). If, on the other hand, there was endless cheese to eat, this could prove a pleasant enough distraction to make it through the show. Or you could cover the actors and stage in cheese and it might become performance art. And if the cheese failed to be enough of a distraction from the awful play, you could try to eat enough to induce heart attack.
You’re about to end a relationship, and the person you’re breaking up with has no idea it’s coming.
Getting dumped by Beetlejuice? How great would that be?
Cheese? Or Michael Keaton?: Ooh, tough one. Can you imagine how awesome to have your break up done by Michael Keaton? You know he’d make the dumpee laugh and say things really sincerely and intensely. You know he’d pause mid-sentence at some point, his eyebrows arched playfully, and then say something charming… On the other hand, getting dumped but then handed a large platter of, say, mushroom brie, would be really nice, too. Ummm… think think think… Really, this should be determined on a case-by-case basis. If you really can’t decide: Have Michael Keaton do the dumping, and you go eat cheese.
Shakespeare? BETTER.
Put a bunch of stuff on a stick and dunk it in cheese? It’s a meal!
Perfect example: Out Of Sight. Brilliant script, great acting, amazing director… Keaton has a small part and the movie gets even better.
The Byronic Man 
December 3, 2012 at 3:06 am
High winds have me up before the birds!
I would shoose cheese in all cases, but I am originally from the land of cheese…
December 3, 2012 at 11:41 am
I don’t know – if you were casting a movie, cheese might be an odd choice.
December 3, 2012 at 12:41 pm
But what if it was a cheesehead?
December 4, 2012 at 8:54 am
Bwahaha.
December 3, 2012 at 3:30 am
Michael Keaton would be the healthier choice. I love cheese, however too much of a good thing is never good.
December 3, 2012 at 11:41 am
No word on Keaton’s cholesterol…
December 3, 2012 at 3:52 am
All Keaton all the time. That’s my motto, at least.
December 3, 2012 at 11:42 am
It’s a pretty good motto!
December 3, 2012 at 4:43 am
I think Cats could be better if all the cat parts were replaced by blocks of cheese, and they couldn’t sing or dance.
December 3, 2012 at 11:42 am
That would be a vast improvement…
December 3, 2012 at 5:00 am
I’ve got Keaton’s people on the line. They said they’ll tell you his pie crust secrets if you tell me, I mean, them, yours. Right now. Quick before we lose this opportunity!
Cheese is my everything. But then, Michael Keaton… These were really tough questions for me.
By the way, the best fondue I ever had was in Portland (Urban Fondue).
December 3, 2012 at 11:43 am
I like having big assortment foods, like sushi, etc. Then you add a fondue pot? Genius.
December 3, 2012 at 5:22 am
I don’t think it is really necessary to put a bunch of food on a stick and dunk it. Face it man, just drink the cheese.
Michael Keaton would be my choice but it is one of the most difficult decisions I have ever had to make.
December 3, 2012 at 11:44 am
I know, but you add the food on sticks and now it’s social, plus you get to say “It’s broccoli! I’m eating healthy!”
December 3, 2012 at 5:37 am
I say . . . why choose?? Have a fondue party with special guest appearance by Michael Keaton!! The best event ever known to man? Quite possibly.
Either that or just cover Michael Keaton in cheese and have the best of both worlds. I’m sure he’s delicious. 😉
December 3, 2012 at 11:44 am
A fondue party with Michael Keaton might make the world implode.
December 3, 2012 at 9:32 am
I hear by challenge you to a Bacon/Bacon face off. Everything’s better with Bacon? Or, Everything’s better with Kevin Bacon? Waiting…
December 3, 2012 at 11:45 am
Hmmm… that’s a good question. I will come back to that…
December 3, 2012 at 9:35 am
I have an exciting little known fact for you. I am two degrees from Michael Keaton right now. He will be starring in the remake of Robocop for which my Husbandio is currently building the sets. So see? My HUSBAND is touching stuff that will touch MICHAEL KEATON.
And right now I’m eating crackers that desperately need cheese. I feel like this post was written JUST FOR ME.
December 3, 2012 at 11:46 am
See, this will test my theory. I can’t imagine remaking Robocop, but knowing Keaton is in it (AND that your husband is working on the sets)? Hoo-boy…
If Keaton played Robocop that’d seal the deal.
December 3, 2012 at 11:47 am
By the way – this post was written just for you.
December 4, 2012 at 5:48 pm
I KNEW IT!!!
Keaton isn’t playing Robocop, but he’s somewhere in the movie. As is Samuel L Jackson…
I soooooooo wish I had cheese right now.
December 3, 2012 at 9:59 am
So what I hear you saying is that cheese is the answer, no matter what the question.
Maybe the real question is cheddar vs. swiss.
December 3, 2012 at 11:48 am
Cheese is usually the answer, it’s true. But every kind of cheese is great in the right context. It’s like a multiple choice question for which all the answers are right.
December 3, 2012 at 10:12 am
*!WARNING! – !Lame story alert!*
My camera is named Michael Keaton.
Because it was purchased while watching Batman (even longer, lamer story).
Which is… uh… well… is that… anything?!
Yeah. Never mind.
December 3, 2012 at 10:19 am
There is absolutely nothing lame about that. It just proves you are just as cool as we knew you were.
Are.
Stop criticizing my verb tenses.
December 3, 2012 at 11:50 am
I think that’s a great name for a camera. When you’re getting a good shot you can growl that the camera is a “LOOOOOVE BROKEERRRR!”
December 3, 2012 at 10:21 am
From the beginning, I was composing my request that it be a cheese fondue party, with Michael Keaton, because I would like to stand next to him and then “accidentally” drop my crouton into the fondue. Not that I spend a lot of time thinking about that.
December 3, 2012 at 10:48 am
Michael Keaton? I thought he was dead.
December 3, 2012 at 11:53 am
You might be thinking of Buster Keaton.
December 3, 2012 at 11:08 am
My cardiologist warned that too much Michael Keaton could be bad for my arteries.
December 3, 2012 at 11:52 am
Actually, in moderation, he’s been proven to boost serotonin levels!
December 3, 2012 at 12:41 pm
Since I’ve been following the red WINE plus all you can eat cheese diet, I’m going to have to choose the CHEESE. Like the French, I wouldn’t even have to limit my intake to three daily meals.
December 4, 2012 at 6:29 am
I adore the French. I really do. I admire their cultural priorities so much. “What is a government for, if not to protect the cheese, wine, and art, eh?”
December 3, 2012 at 1:29 pm
Michael Keaton + cheese = Jack Frost
December 4, 2012 at 6:34 am
You know, I’ve never seen it, but unless you’re PIxar, I can’t understand hiring Keaton and only having him do voice over. Although, didn’t they give the snowman his eyebrows?
December 3, 2012 at 4:53 pm
Wasn’t Michael Keaton in the Herbie remake with Lindsay Lohan? I don’t think he made that movie better. Do you think he made it more tolerable? Don’t forget Post Grad.
December 4, 2012 at 6:30 am
I don’t know if he made it “good,” but just imagine the joyless abyss it’d be without him!
December 3, 2012 at 4:55 pm
If we’re discussing desert items, can I request that instead of cheese or Michael Keaton on a pie, that we have him jump out of a cheesecake? It seems to cover (or uncover) all possibilities.
December 4, 2012 at 6:35 am
That’s going to be one huge cheesecake – especially once you factor in space for the oxygen tanks.
December 4, 2012 at 6:46 am
That’s ok. Michael is bigger than life. His cake should be too.
December 3, 2012 at 7:40 pm
I was going to comment and argue that I don’t think Keaton was the best choice to play Batman, but then I suddenly realized I had him confused with Val Kilmer. This is unforgiveable, and I am ashamed. I must admit, though, cheese would be an interesting choice to play Batman. Maybe in the Justice League movie?
December 4, 2012 at 6:36 am
An all cheese version of JLA? It’s worth a try.
December 3, 2012 at 9:32 pm
Love cheese & Michael Keaton so I’ll take both please! But I’ll also take a side of bacon & Kevin Bacon if they’re on offer.
December 4, 2012 at 11:41 am
There’s really no losing in those options.
December 3, 2012 at 9:46 pm
What if the person you’re breaking up with is Michael Keaton? Wouldn’t having him do the breakup be cruel, or at least redundant?
December 4, 2012 at 11:41 am
That’s true. I suppose by the time you’ve explained what you want him to do, it’s done.
December 3, 2012 at 11:03 pm
WHY ARE YOU MAKING ME CHOOOSE????! WHY OH WHY??? I guess I’ll get back to you on that.
December 4, 2012 at 6:37 am
Only on a case-by-case basis. Being completely deprived of either is a violation of the Universal Declaration of Human Rights. Article 15, paragraph 3.
December 4, 2012 at 8:55 am
Wine. Not sure if I’d rather have wine with cheese or Michael Keaton. I might have outsource this one and put it to a vote.
December 4, 2012 at 11:42 am
Hm, tough one. Drinking wine and talking with Michael Keaton could be pretty great… but what if he’s in a bad mood? And drinks too much? Or gets sullen?
Playing the odds: I’d probably go with cheese, because that’s sure fire.
December 4, 2012 at 1:05 pm
I had a friend in college who absolutely hated ALL cheese. It was disgraceful. She had to watch a lot of Michael Keaton films.
With that being said, I’m having nothing for dinner tonight but buffalo chicken dip, which is basically a bunch of cheese with some chicken and Frank’s Red Hot in it.
December 4, 2012 at 6:28 pm
Pretty sure that, in that last scenario, you should send Michael Keaton WITH a cheese platter to dump your soon-to-be-former mate. Softens the blow.
December 5, 2012 at 2:02 pm
Dairy-free, I default to Michael Keaton (but to tell the truth, I’d choose him anyway — he’s a too often maligned actor of Greatness…eyebrows are just weird, though).
December 5, 2012 at 7:47 pm
This is quite possibly the most random blog post I’ve ever read, but I liked it! I’d pick Michael any day, as I’m not really a cheese liker. Did I just blaspheme? Is blaspheme a word?
December 5, 2012 at 8:05 pm
Isn’t it? The only other time I think I’ve achieved that level of “Where the sweet crap did THAT come from?” was Ask Sexy Stalin.
December 5, 2012 at 9:17 pm
Ah yes, I remember it well. Nobody forgets a dictator, especially an extremely attractive one.