There aren’t many things in life you can know for sure but here are two –
It’s scientific fact: Everything is better with cheese on it.
Also fact: Everything is better with actor Michael Keaton in it.
But sometimes it can be confusing to know which is the better improvement for a given situation. Sure, as a general rule food + cheese and movie + Michael Keaton, but that’s just the tip of the “making things better” iceberg. And you may often find yourself wondering: Cheese? Or Michael Keaton?
Try these practice scenarios and see how you do!
You’re hosting a birthday party, and worried about the guests having a good time.
Cheese? Or Michael Keaton?: This is a tough one, and it really comes down to a question of who the party is for. Though you know he’d make one hell of a clown, Keaton’s devilish wit and anarchic charm might be disturbing to young children. Best stick with lots of cheese here. Adults? Obviously, you still want lots of cheese present, but if you have to choose, you’re guests are going to have a better time at the Michael Keaton party than the cheese party.
You’re making a pie for a family gathering.
Cheese? Or Michael Keaton?: I have yet to hear back from Keaton’s people about his pie-making abilities (call me back, God damn it!), but on the off chance someone might misinterpret this and try to make Michael Keaton in to a pie, let’s stick with cheese on this one.
You’re staging community theater production of Cats.
Cheese? Or Michael Keaton?: Ah, you’re thinking ‘No brainer. Michael Keaton.’ But no! You see, though Keaton would improve the production immeasurably, he’d still be drowned under cat make-up, have no dialogue to say in a way that manages to be intense, sincere and hilarious all at the same time, and he’d be in Cats, and that can only get so good (as in: awful). If, on the other hand, there was endless cheese to eat, this could prove a pleasant enough distraction to make it through the show. Or you could cover the actors and stage in cheese and it might become performance art. And if the cheese failed to be enough of a distraction from the awful play, you could try to eat enough to induce heart attack.
You’re about to end a relationship, and the person you’re breaking up with has no idea it’s coming.
Cheese? Or Michael Keaton?: Ooh, tough one. Can you imagine how awesome to have your break up done by Michael Keaton? You know he’d make the dumpee laugh and say things really sincerely and intensely. You know he’d pause mid-sentence at some point, his eyebrows arched playfully, and then say something charming… On the other hand, getting dumped but then handed a large platter of, say, mushroom brie, would be really nice, too. Ummm… think think think… Really, this should be determined on a case-by-case basis. If you really can’t decide: Have Michael Keaton do the dumping, and you go eat cheese.