Now that Disney has purchased LucasFilm for 4 billion dollars and announced the planning of indefinite new Star Wars installments, everyone’s wondering what they have in mind. Basing things off of the books that have been written, or will they go in new directions? Well, in a Byronic Man exclusive, I am pleased to present, for the first time, the blueprints for the next 14 years of the new Disney-fied Star Wars!
Ah, the force is non-threatentingly lovely with this one.
2015 – Episode VII: Return Of The Big-Eyed Princess
2016 – TV Series: The Short-Round – Jar Jar Binks, Horrible Stereotype variety hour!
2018 – Episode VIII: Attack of the Talking Utensils (featuring original music by Sir Elton John)
2018 – Afternoon cartoon: Baby Fett: The Littlest Bounty Hunter
2019 – Grand Opening of “Death Star Trash Compactor: The Amusement Park Ride”
2020 – Episode IX: Somebody’s Mom Gets Killed At The Beginning
“Bum-BUM! Bum-bum-bum-BUUUUUUMMM-buuummm!! Bum-bum-bum-BUUUUMMM-buuuuummm…!”
2020 – Album: Star Wars Theme Music Karaoke
2021 – Star Wars: Han Solo jr. and the Wackiest Space Race! (straight-to-video release)
2021 – Ewoks: The Battle For Endor 2
2022 – Star Wars: Jedi Summer Camp (straight-to-video release)
2022 – Episode X: Would Anyone Notice If This Thing Was Just Suddenly All Talking Animals?
“Battle For Endor”? Anyone remember–? No? Just me? “Battle For..” Okay. Just me.
2022 – Album – Jedi Summer Camp: Original music by the original cast!
2024 – Episode XI: Just A Bunch of Light Sabers and Johnny Depp And, I don’t Know, Nathan Lane?
2026 – Episode XII: Return of the Return of the Jedi
The Byronic Man 
November 2, 2012 at 3:41 am
I was about to remind you that Disney would of course have new, teen singing sensations to accompany the new movies – but you included it! Hmm, at what point will all the Star Wars movies you into the “vault” so they can be re-released 10 years later “remastered” and triple the original price?
November 2, 2012 at 7:27 am
That was one of my first thoughts, too. “For the next generation!”
November 2, 2012 at 3:42 am
spot on. I don’t know whether to laugh or cry.
November 2, 2012 at 4:34 am
My feelings exactly.
November 2, 2012 at 7:28 am
Well, as Vader once advised Luke, “Search your feelings…”
November 2, 2012 at 3:54 am
Would Anyone Notice If This Thing Was Just Suddenly All Talking Animals?… Nothing says Jedi Warrior like some singing bluebirds dancing about.
November 2, 2012 at 7:34 am
If I had the resources, how great would it be to add some cartoon animals to scenes from Star Wars. Like when Obi-Wan is explaining The Force to Luke, have a bunch of adorable animals come sit by him.
November 2, 2012 at 4:03 am
“Just a bunch of light sabers and Johnny Depp and, I don’t know, Nathan Lane”. LOL
Not a big fan of either Star Wars or Disney but this post … Hilarious
November 2, 2012 at 7:37 am
What’s really wild to think about is that Lucas owned 100% of his company and had almost no debt. That means that – after taxes – the entire 4 billion dollars went to him.
November 2, 2012 at 10:32 am
And the realization that, if they’re willing to pay $4B for it, they’re planning make at least 10 times that…
November 3, 2012 at 8:44 am
That’s the part I keep thinking about, too.
November 2, 2012 at 4:03 am
I for one have been missing Darth Vader having a bumbling warthog henchman.
November 2, 2012 at 7:36 am
Voiced by Gilbert Godfried, ideally.
November 2, 2012 at 4:20 am
A local radio DJ here in Philly has been nothing short of crying on the air since the announcement….he can never see your blueprint or shall I say, his deepest fear. I love 2018.
November 2, 2012 at 7:40 am
I, truly, thought it was a gag or an internet rumor when I first saw it.
November 2, 2012 at 4:26 am
Are they selling tickets yet? Or toys?
November 2, 2012 at 7:38 am
Oh, the toys… I mean, Lucas was no stranger to shameless commerce (C3P-O’s cereal, anyone?), but Disney? They paid $4 billion dollars, because they intend to make a hell of a lot more than that…
November 2, 2012 at 4:35 am
I think this also means a futuristic update of Herbie Fully Loaded.
November 2, 2012 at 7:39 am
“THAT piece of junk?”
“She may not look like much, but it’s the fastest VW Bug in the galaxy.”
November 2, 2012 at 5:16 am
I’ll happily sit through all of the above, but the day the Teletubbies make a guest appearance, I am out of the Star Wars business.
November 2, 2012 at 7:47 am
I’m not sure I could resist that, actually…
November 2, 2012 at 5:53 am
“The Short-Round – Jar Jar Binks, Horrible Stereotype variety hour!” = PRICELESS!
I think people are overreacting. Every movie after Empire Strikes Back and the first Raiders are proof positive that George Lucas should not be making movies. Want more proof? Howard the Duck. At least the Pixar arm of Disney has been making some really solid films (except Cars 1 & 2).
November 2, 2012 at 7:32 am
Actually, I’ve thought the same thing, in terms of “Well, it’s not like Lucas was doing anything good with it any more…”
And, while it’s flawed (with a capital Ewok), Jedi has some pretty great things.
November 2, 2012 at 8:09 am
…like Leia in the metallic bikini?
November 2, 2012 at 1:51 pm
I’ll pretend I didn’t hear you say that about Cars.
November 2, 2012 at 6:17 am
Yes I WOULD notice. And I would love it. If I wasn’t still too busy watching the Summer Camp one.
November 2, 2012 at 2:57 pm
And don’t forget the follow-up, “A Very Jedi Summer Camp Christmas.”
November 2, 2012 at 6:30 am
I wonder if the Bieber will make his way onto the Jedi scene….It is probably just a matter of time…..
November 2, 2012 at 2:58 pm
I read somewhere that he claims to be this generation’s Kurt Cobain. I’m going to assume that’s Internet tomfoolery.
November 2, 2012 at 3:57 pm
“Tomfoolery I say!” Do you say that with a rake in your hand while screaming at the neighborhood kids?
November 2, 2012 at 6:30 am
Yeah, pretty sure they’ve signed Johnny Depp up to play the new Darth Vadar for every movie from now until the end of the galaxy.
Oh, and talking animals. Naturally.
November 2, 2012 at 2:59 pm
It’ll be weird seeing Vader sashay and bug his eyes.
November 2, 2012 at 6:50 am
LOL I am so excited for Episode XI! Johnny Depp and Lightsabers? Yes please.
November 2, 2012 at 2:59 pm
It’ll make it tough for Depp to continue his “weird hat” phase of acting.
November 2, 2012 at 6:57 am
I find this a great deal funnier if it weren’t true.
November 2, 2012 at 10:30 am
I wish I could like or favorite this comment.
November 2, 2012 at 3:00 pm
Hm, I’m not sure how to remedy this…
November 2, 2012 at 6:59 am
Surprisingly, I’m not that worried about it. While I could see parts of your schedule happening (and that terrifies me), I think there’s a chance we might see something good that doesn’t make me want to cry and vomit at the same time like the stupid prequels do.
I pretend they don’t exist, because if they do, Darth Vader isn’t scary anymore.
November 2, 2012 at 3:01 pm
It’s entirely possible – at least in the short term. What they did with Avengers was inspired. Of course, Avengers 2 comes out in 2015, which means there’s about a 0% chance that Whedon will direct Episode VII, so that’s sad.
November 2, 2012 at 3:58 pm
Yeah, I would LOVE to see a Whedon SW movie. I think they could also give it to someone who really loves the franchise already (like Kevin Smith, I’ll bet he’d do something kick ass with it) that would treat it and the audiences with the respect it/they deserve/s.
November 2, 2012 at 8:25 am
I think Nathan Lane should be mayor of Ewokia. That way he could fuss and fume (a la Mousetrap) when things go comedically awry and we all groan at his attempts of humorous resolution.
November 2, 2012 at 3:02 pm
I’ve always thought Star Wars needed more slapstick.
November 2, 2012 at 8:40 am
NPR had a good cartoon on their Facebook page today. The Disney folks are asking Darth Vader to come over to the DARK side.
November 3, 2012 at 9:10 am
Very nice.
November 2, 2012 at 10:29 am
Dude, you have just confirmed my worst fears for this merger.
November 3, 2012 at 9:10 am
That’s what I’m here for!
November 2, 2012 at 10:40 am
Hi there, hi there, ho there, he’s annoying as can be, J-A-R, J-A-R, B-I-N-K-S!
November 3, 2012 at 9:11 am
Well done. Well done.
November 2, 2012 at 11:32 am
This is good news. Disney have (say it quietly) produced some pretty cinematic moments over the years. Also some awful sickly sweet dross – but the idea that Lucas won’t be in charge has to be good. Let’s hope they get the Pixar guys in on it.
November 2, 2012 at 2:57 pm
And their acquisition of Marvel Comics has been positive so far – there is that.
November 2, 2012 at 11:44 am
Mickey and Donald destroy Death Star II
November 3, 2012 at 9:11 am
Trying to figure out which one’s Han Solo in that scenario makes my head hurt.
November 2, 2012 at 11:52 am
Now you are a parent you will be very grateful for Disney movies!
November 3, 2012 at 8:47 am
Really? I thought I had to try and hide their existence. There’s only so much “princess singing to her toaster” I can take. And that much is “none.”
November 3, 2012 at 2:27 pm
You’ve got it backwards Byronic – now you’re a parent you can go watch all the great Disney movies without feeling guilty, you just have to bring the kiddo along.
November 3, 2012 at 2:27 pm
And cartoons – you can watch cartoons without guilt!
November 3, 2012 at 3:40 pm
A princess singing to her toaster?
Did Disney buy Battlestar Galactica too?
November 2, 2012 at 1:52 pm
Yawn.
November 3, 2012 at 9:11 am
Ouch.
November 2, 2012 at 1:53 pm
In a related story, I revealed the new Disney Villain a few days ago.
You will be shocked, surprised, and thoroughly entertained by this malevolent duo:
http://amuseorbemused.com/2012/10/disney-star-wars-villain-revealed/
November 2, 2012 at 2:18 pm
The Sith will now be lorded over by the evil step mothers!
November 3, 2012 at 8:49 am
“Always two there are. A step-mother and, well, another step-mother.”
November 3, 2012 at 8:59 am
You’ve just been hired to replace all other Disney Star wars writers.
November 3, 2012 at 9:12 am
Sweet.
November 2, 2012 at 2:37 pm
That’s it, I’m becoming a Trekkie…
November 3, 2012 at 9:13 am
You didn’t hear? Star Trek was just purchased by Nickelodeon.
Okay, I made that up.
November 2, 2012 at 4:25 pm
You are clearly not aware that there is already a real Lucas approved Star Wars Christmas album featuring such hits as “What do you get a Wookie for Christmas when he already owns a comb?” and which featured a young Jon Bon Jovi doing back up vocals. Here’s a sample http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IWKT03UVw2w
November 2, 2012 at 4:26 pm
Here’s what wikipedia has to say about it http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Christmas_in_the_Stars
November 3, 2012 at 9:09 am
Actually, I have heard of that monstrosity. I think I may have talked about it in a “worst Christmas songs” post.” What I didn’t know, and would have never, ever, ever suspected was (from that wikipedia article) that it was successful enough to warrant a follow-up.
November 2, 2012 at 7:45 pm
Reblogged this on An Adventurous Youngster and commented:
This made me laugh
November 3, 2012 at 9:12 am
Cool, thanks! I appreciate that.
November 3, 2012 at 11:54 am
Actually I think all of these ideas may fit into the Star Wars Galaxy with no problem. Somewhere in my parents’ attic there is a copy of the Star Wars Christmas album that includes the best Christmas song of all time: “What do you get a Wookie for Christmas? (when he already owns a comb).” That one falls squarely on the shoulders of George Lucas himself. Maybe Disney will resurrect it. Hopefully as an MP3 this time, though. I think the Fisher price turn table is about to give out.
November 12, 2012 at 1:10 am
As long as Vader puts Hannah Montana in a choke hold, I’m totally okay with this.
November 23, 2012 at 6:04 am
That picture (and caption) of the guy for Star Wars karaoke…priceless! It really does GO. I don’t know how you find them. Having four kids (two are boys, and my girls are kinda into it too) I’m so sick of Star Wars. Episode XI? With Johnny Depp AND Nathan Lane? Could be a game-changer.