Your Monster-Survival Essentials

October 31, 2012

Film, Humor

Yesterday, you tested your Halloween readiness by trying to identify movie monsters. If you didn’t read yesterday’s post, you may be dangerously unprepared for Halloween, so if you want to take a moment and do that, now would be a good time.  It’s okay, we’ll wait.

Hm hm hm… I wonder if we’ll get very many trick-or-treaters tonight… tum-te-tum-te-tum…

Ah!  You’re back!  How’d you do?  Oh.  Uh-oh. Well, below are the answers, as well as a handy guide for what to do should you encounter the monster in question.

1. The Host: The key to killing this giant, mutated, Korean, river-dwelling monster is organization, so be prepared. You’re going to need several gallons of fuel, a bow and arrow set (with arrows that can be set afire), and a large signpost for impaling.  After that, it’s just a matter of douse-arrow to the eye-impale in the mouth.  And that’s all there is to it!

Grrrr! I am drawn to you, and other attractive women in bathing suits, despite our clearly being different species! I may have unresolved self-esteem issues! Grrr!

2. The Creature From The Black Lagoon:  You just shoot him.  I know. That’s it.  Yawn.  He may come back, most likely in 3D, but then you just shoot him again.

3. Michael Myers (Halloween): Are you Jamie Lee Curtis?  No?  Hm, that’s too bad. You might try wearing a nametag that reads, “Hi, My Name Is: JAMIE LEE CURTIS” and hope that does the trick.

“No more training do you require.” “Then I AM a Jedi.” “No. One thing remains. Vader. You must face Vader.” “What?! God damn it. This is a bigger hassle than my masters thesis.”

4. The Rancor (Return of the Jedi):  Ask yourself: “Am I a Jedi?”  Be honest.  If the answer is no, that’s unfortunate, but not hopeless.  Experts recommend looking for something heavy, like a giant iron door with spikes on the bottom, to drop on his head.

5. Jack Torrance (The Shining):  Head for the nearest big hedge-maze.  Under no circumstances should you contact Scatman Crothers for help; guy’s useless.

You know Mothra was the idea of the studio chief. “Our next movie monster will be a GIANT MOTH!” “Did he just say ‘giant moth’?” “Yup.” “Uh, great idea, boss!”

6. Ghidorah (various Godzilla movies): This gigantic, flying, 3-headed, lightning-breathing monster from another dimension might seem daunting, but fear not!  Simply sing the Mothra-summoning song (ideally done by tiny fairies).  Then when he comes, hope that Godzilla and Rodan show up, too.  Then probably just get out of the way. 

7. The Grudge:  Simply burn your house down.  Completely.  Partial burning will only ruin your stuff and does nothing to remove the curse.

*

8. Sexy Stalin: Okay, he’s not a monster.  He’s a dispenser of useful, pragmatic, sometimes genocidal life advice!  He’s also a reminder that the next installment of “Ask Sexy Stalin” is coming up soon, so you should submit your questions for him in the comments below, or via email (byronicmanblog@gmail.com)

Now do you recognize me? Yeah I know, ha ha! Happens all the time, don’t sweat it.

9. Jason (Friday the 13th): Tricked you on this one, didn’t I!  Yes, in the original film Jason was at the bottom of a lake – sans hockey mask – it was his mother killing all the horny camp counselors.  Jason has proven himself pretty unkillable, which is unfortunate.  Your best bet is to refrain from any sinning around him, or pointing him toward someone else who’s either sinning more, or can be killed in a creatively ironic way.

10. Pinhead (Hellraiser): There’s this box that will send him back to hell, but if you don’t have it, you’re going to want to trick him in to taking some loathsome relative in your place.  You know who I mean.

11. Hannibal Lector (The Silence of the Lambs): Strictly speaking, he’s just a man.  Just hit him with your car or something.  If you happen upon him, and you’ve got some fava beans and a nice chianti with you, maybe keep that to yourself.

And Happy Halloween (aka The Celtic New Year… but that’s another post…)

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About The Byronic Man

Recently voted "The Best Humor Blog in America That I, Personally, Write," The Byronic Man is sometimes fiction, sometimes autobiography. And sometimes cultural criticism. Oh, and occasionally reviews. Okay, it's all those different things, but always humorous. Except on the occasions that it's not. Ah, geez. Look, it's a lot of things, okay? You might like it, is the point.

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27 Comments on “Your Monster-Survival Essentials”

  1. angrymiddleagewoman Says:

    Wow – I completely forgot about Jason’s mother. Well, that’s what happens when you make 189 sequels….

    Reply

  2. thefoodandwinehedonist Says:

    I agree that he’s generally useless, but Scatman Carothers as his alter ego – Hong Kong Phooey – could handle most of these.

    Reply

  3. angeliquejamail Says:

    Happy New Year to you too. 🙂

    Reply

  4. renée a. schuls-jacobson Says:

    How did I miss frozen Jack? That’s one of my favorite movies?! Maybe that’s when they I that CHING CHING CHING music at the end and I look away. Hmmm. Well done.

    Reply

    • The Byronic Man Says:

      Sometimes people say they don’t think that movie is scary. Those people are insane. Although it has to be watched in one sitting. I watched it with my wife and we had to break it up for some reason, and she didn’t get it.

      Reply

  5. susielindau Says:

    Hahaha! I will remember to be driving when I happen upon Hannibal in a dark alley. Hopefully, my tank will be full!
    Thanks for these survival tips. I don’t know if I would have made it otherwise….

    Reply

  6. pegoleg Says:

    With these helpful monster slaying tips, I’ve got everything I need for Halloween – thanks! Oh, and a 50 pound bag of fun-size Kit Kats.

    Reply

    • The Byronic Man Says:

      Mini Kit-Kats are on that list, for me, of candy bars that go like this:
      #1: Oh my God these are so good. Why do I not eat these constantly?
      #2: Yep. These are, well, they’re pretty good.
      #3: Gyuck.

      (repeat once a month)

      Reply

      • pegoleg Says:

        I know what you mean. I’m not a huge fan of Kit-Kats, but I forget that fact when I have the open bag before me. And then it’s too late and I’ve had so many, I loathe them.

        Reply

  7. Michelle Gillies Says:

    And now I know.

    He-Who has been threatening me with Jack Torrance like behaviour ever since we started considering running a lodge in very Northern Ontario. Mostly he just does the “Here’s Johnny!” routine.

    Reply

  8. She's a Maineiac Says:

    Wow, the only one I recognized was Jack. Maybe because I’ve seen it a couple thousand times. I’ll never forget my first viewing, I was about 12 and they were showing it down at the middle school on a big screen for all the kiddies for Halloween. Yup, someone didn’t think that one through before most of us were scarred for life. The tub scene alone caused me to not take a bath for several years

    Reply

  9. adriancharliehoran Says:

    I’ve not seen many of these films (bit of a wuss), but if ever come face to face with one of these creatures – you have saved my life. Thanking you in advance!

    Reply

  10. Go Jules Go Says:

    Okay. Loathsome relative, check, question for Sexy Stalin, check, but several gallons of fuel? Have you seen what’s going on here?

    Sexy Stalin: What is the appropriate way to hit on a woman who hasn’t showered in three days?

    Reply

  11. tinkerbelle86 Says:

    Im not a Jedi, and Im pretty sure in a zombie invasion, Id be the first one eaten. Mainly because I dont like exercise, and Id probably “catch the rest of the group up later” ans eat their brains, after being zombified myself.

    Reply

  12. skippingstones Says:

    Ah, I love this! You had me laughing all the way through. I only knew about half of these, so I guess I have about a 50% chance at survival. But I will take your advice and keep my car gassed up, a gun in the glove box, some extra fuel and a crossbow in the trunk, and a loathsome relative in the backseat. I already have the Jamie Lee Curtis name tag. Maybe all that will buy me a little more time.

    Reply

  13. travellingmo Says:

    Too much fun! As I haven’t seen a ton of horror films, I was congratulating myself on how many I got right, and then read the answers today and realize that I actually got most of them wrong. But I did get the monster from D-Wars. That I do know, unfortunately.

    Reply

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