Get Top-Notch Advice AND WIN STUFF!

November 4, 2012

Ask Sexy Stalin, Humor

Hurricanes…  Recession…  Elections… NBC’s mistreatment of Community

Yes, the world is full of strife and mystery.  Fortunately, more and more of us are realizing we need to take a moment and ask:

W W S S D ?

What Would Sexy Stalin Do?

Yes, Sexy Stalin-mania is sweeping the nation!  Because, as Sylvia Plath once wrote, in what I’m pretty sure was a mash-note, “Every woman loves a fascist.”  So true, Sylvia; so true.  Because who better to turn to for advice on everything ranging from dating to poetry structure to wiping out your enemies.  But don’t take my word for it, just ask these intrepid fans who’ve made their own WWSSD bracelets!

*Disclaimer: you can’t literally ask. This is only a picture.

(Pictured, clockwise from top: Darla at She’s A Maineiac, Jules at Go Jules Go, Angie at Childhood relived, and Peg at Peg-o-Leg’s Ramblings)

And now, not only is it your chance to ask a question for the next installment of Ask Sexy Stalin, but it’s your chance to be liberated from the shackles of making your own wristband.  That’s right – if you leave a question for Sexy Stalin, and it’s selected to be answered you will win your very own “WWSSD?” wristband!  I know!  I’d include a picture but they’re not here yet… but they’re a brilliant, deep red (obviously) and will let the world know that you know who to turn to.

And you like getting stuff in the mail, right?  Free stuff?  And you like getting advice on how to make your life better? Well then – what questions do you have? About life; about love; about politics; about your career – Sexy Stalin can help you.

So leave questions in the comments below or email them to

, ,

About The Byronic Man

Recently voted "The Best Humor Site in America That I, Personally, Write," The Byronic Man is sometimes fiction, but sometimes autobiography. And sometimes cultural criticism. Oh, and occasionally reviews. Okay, it's all those different things, but always humorous. Except on the occasions that it's not. Ah, geez. Look, it's a lot of things, okay? You might like it, is the point.

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78 Comments on “Get Top-Notch Advice AND WIN STUFF!”

  1. k8edid Says:

    Dear Sexy Stalin. If Florida is a “swing state” why can’t I find any swing dance lessons? Also, have you seen my car keys?


    • The Byronic Man Says:

      I lose my keys and wallet every day. Well, I’ve got a system now, so I probably only lose them 5 days out of 7, but basically, it’s every day.


      • k8edid Says:

        And I have to be responsible for keys at work, too. It is truly frightening.


      • vinnilibassi Says:

        If we were truly Fascist, our keychains would have tracking devices so the government could locate us and, conversely, we could find our keys. I live in Florida too. It’s a swing state in the context of strip clubs but not regarding dancing (except by the strippers).


  2. Go Jules Go Says:

    Dear Sexy Stalin,

    What are your feelings on daylight savings time?



  3. Life With The Top Down Says:

    Dear Sexy Stalin, Here is PA I’ve been spared the constant Political Ads and Robo calls up until 2 days ago. Now Mitt, Paul, Newt, Rick and Clint are calling ALL day. How can I make it stop without smashing my phone into a million pieces, running those pieces over with my car, before sweeping them up and tossing them into a dumpster? You should know their secret weapons are PA cell phone #’s and the ability to leave voicemail.


    • The Byronic Man Says:

      I got a call in which someone very angry says that Obama diverted millions of dollars in order to fund terrorist attacks against the US.

      That… that seems unlikely, recorded message. That seems unlikely.


    • Love and Lunchmeat Says:

      Oh, oh, oh! This should really be shared. You know the answer to not getting election-based cold calls? Have Verizon Fios shut off your phone/internet/cable service until AFTER the election. I swear the repairmen are more than happy to accommodate, and make you wait for ten days…

      I’m pretty sure Verizon could accomplish this feat without sending a hurricane your way, because their customer service reps clearly aim to please. Also, their elevator music is unusually bad, and while you listen to it, you can accrue cell phone overages, which you can also pay them for… However, you don’t have to hang up on cold callers!


  4. speaker7 Says:

    Dear Sexy Stalin:
    Why is Two and a Half Men such a popular television show when it’s such a piece of shit?
    Fascistly Yours,


  5. Don't Quote Lily Says:

    You’re doing a giveaway? No way! I’m so shocked, I can’t think of a question…


  6. renée a. schuls-jacobson Says:

    How can I get my son to stop playing with all his computer crap. Also how do I get him to stop saying: ” Hold on!” And ” In a minute.” Because he never gets anywhere fast. Also, how can I trick him into a haircut. Seriously. He is not rocking his mullet.


    • AsimovSideburns Says:

      If not for the mullet part, I would be able to legitimately ask if you were my mother’s alter ego.

      Are you my mummy?

      (Have you tried telling him you’ll shave it in his sleep? If that still doesn’t work, stand over him with a pair of hair clippers just before he wakes up.)


    • The Byronic Man Says:

      I have to say, I was a little disappointed that your comment didn’t arrive within 60 seconds of putting up the post. I like to think you have a sort of “Spidey sense” that there’s something to be won.


  7. mistyslaws Says:

    This question is for my friend, B-man:

    Sexy Stalin,

    How does one get their newborn baby to sleep more than 2 hours at a time? AND, how do you make the exhausted parents look and feel less zombie like?

    Your humblest admirer, who thinks you are way too sexy for your shirt,

    M. Laws, Esq.


  8. clemarchives Says:

    I am so glad this is back! I had a beautiful question for last time but found out too late.

    Dear Sexy Stalin,
    My mom always said the best way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. If you were trying to get to a man’s heart, what food would you cook and why?
    Lonely in Louisiana,
    Comrade Greg


    • pressed2infinity Says:

      I’ve heard that the best way to man’s stomach is NOT with food!!! Shock, horror!!! It’s through his chest cavity with a chain saw, or maybe a spoon, yeah a spoon, cos it’ll hurt more. HAHA


  9. AsimovSideburns Says:

    Dear Sexy Stalin,

    I am a Freshman at Arizona State University, and it can be hard to balance schoolwork and the people around me. What tips can you give me to help me out?


  10. tomwisk Says:

    Dear Sexy Stalin.
    People think I’m an alien even though we ALL know the other guy’s the real alien. How do I convince them?


  11. pegoleg Says:

    Dear SS,
    How do you rate such hot, incredibly sexy yet uber intelligent and sensitive groupies?



  12. Love and Lunchmeat Says:

    Dear Sexy Stalin,

    Do dogs in communist countries also sleep twenty hours a day?

    Blogger Love and Lunchmeat


  13. susielindau Says:

    Dear Sexy Stalin,
    Who does your makeup and what kind of eye shadow do you use? That smokey look is so hot this season.


  14. mistyslaws Says:

    I have another question:

    Of all of those lovely mustachio’d ladies up there…..which of Stalin’s Angels is supposed to be Farrah? I see 3 blondes, so the answer is unclear to me.


    Always wanted to be an Angel


  15. Angie Z. Says:

    Dear Sexy Stalin, is it boxers or briefs? Just kidding. But what kind of aftershave do you use? What would happen if we got caught between the moon and New York City? Are you better skilled with personal hygiene than Rasputin was? So many questions but I’m sure we’ll have plenty of time to get to know one another.


  16. She's a Maineiac Says:

    Dear Sexy Stalin, would it be a crime if I snuck over to my neighbor’s lawn, ripped up all of her political signs and replaced them with pink flamingoes and signs proclaiming “SAVE FERRIS!”


  17. themeredithmouth Says:

    Dear Sexy Stalin,
    If you were to sing back up for any ukulele trio, who would it be and why?

    (Follow-up question: would you also form a group called “The Pips?”)

    M (is for Moscow, it’s good enough for me)


  18. Mama Bread Baker Says:

    Dear Sexy Stalin,

    I hear that Nettie Pots can shoot bacteria up your nose and into your brain, but my doctor said I should use it to clear my sinuses. Do you think I could already be inoculated against bacteria since I visit my teenage crumbsnatchers rooms? Kinda like the flu shot, you know.

    Needs What Little Gray Matter I Have Left After Children


  19. search231gt Says:

    Dear Sexy Stalin,

    I was at my poetry club yesterday, and one of the members found your same picture. They said that look like you. Now normally I wouldn’t care about what they really bring up because I am the president of the club and my word is law while the club is in session. Anyway I was already getting mad because my vice president hasn’t shown up for two meetings and I was considering making someone else VP. I was considering promoting the club secretary but she’s good at her job so I’m keeping her there. So when they showed me your picture it reminded me of the absolute power I have over the club and decided that I should probably demote my VP, but I’m afraid she might get poetic on me and I am tired of their bullshit. Oh and they’re sophomores, so I really don’t want to deal with them. What should I do? Sorry for the long post bro.


  20. Baddest Mother Ever Says:

    Fashion question: This spring, is it going to be OK to mix Czechs and stripes?


  21. westwickletimes Says:

    Dear Sexy Stalin,

    Why did you get rid of the beard and just go with the ‘tash? Seems as Trotsky and Lenin went with the goatee were you trying to not just go with the crowd?
    Also, I have some political dissidents I need to get rid of. Do you lease any of your gulags or are they private use only?


  22. Archie Wah Wah Says:

    Dearest Sexy Stalin,

    When you turned into fat, square-headed Stalin why did you grow an enormous lip-rug?
    The norm for dictators is the toothbrush: Mugabe, Hitler, Franco, Oliver Hardy. You might also have gone egg bald like Mussolini.
    Just what is it that dictates the hair choice of a dictator?


  23. nerdgeistofficial Says:

    Im very pleased to see someone else can see classic stalin raw sex appeal lol (soeaking as a heterosexual male )


  24. kvennarad Says:

    The top couple of moustaches are more Hercule Poirot than Comrade Soso.


  25. sporadicblogger Says:

    Hey Sexy Stalin,

    A male co worker gave me a copy of ’50 Shades of Grey’ to read.
    Should I be worried?


  26. stephanietomoana Says:

    Dear Sexy Stalin,

    Should I move to America?

    On another note, should I bother making vegan brownies or just screw the non-murderers and make normal brownies instead?


  27. Is Everyone an Idiot but Me? Says:

    Dear Sexy Stalin,

    I really love how you have shaped your left eyebrow (though the right one looks a little off). I also love how you have styled your hair – it has great volume and shine. You also have a very smooth tone and complexion. Tell me, what are your beauty secrets?


  28. Blogdramedy Says:

    Why, Mr. Stalin. Hello. May I call you Sexy for short? (That’s not my question.)

    What made you decree that a woman’s RED suit is actually a “power” suit? And, should the suit run on AC or DC?

    Спасибо товарищу
    Spasibo tovarishchu
    “thank you comrade” in Russian


  29. Lorna's Voice Says:

    Dear Sexy Stalin,

    You are quoted by historian as saying, “I trust no-one, not even myself.” So what’s up with that? How can I, or you, trust anything you say? I want to trust you. Look at you! You’re pretty darned swarthy, but are you just playing some kind of Crazy Dictator Head Game with us?


  30. Liz Says:

    Dear Sexy Stalin,

    If you had to pick a pun-tastic trivia team name, what would it be?



  31. Heather Says:

    Dear Sexy Stalin, I’m familiar with WWJD? and WWMD? I’m sure I have many questions for you, but first … could you clarify how your approach is different from that of Jesus and Martha, those two other bracelet authorities?


  32. ChiedzaMavangira Says:

    OMG!!! In LOVE!
    I just wanted to share our annual report with you for TheNakedTruthLABlog in which we have listed you as a bigger and better blog than ours…Our Blog role model and recommended you through out our social networking!
    Keep it sexy! #1 Blog according to TheNakedTruthLABlog of 2013.




    You May LikeMore

    The Byronic Man


  33. halimakhanom1 Says:

    Trying to think of a question to ask SS…. damn it, lost of ideas!


  34. fenifur Says:

    Dear Sexy Stalin, I have a choice between a part time job and trying to get published as a trashy historical romance novelist (kind bf is happy to pick up extra bills), or a full time job that pays 6 times as much (but still not very much) as a boring accounts administrator, (a job that has left me stressed with limited writing time and maximum ice cream eating time in the past). Which would you choose?


  35. shootscomedy Says:

    Dear SS, are there gay animals besides humans (and penguins)?


  36. PoshPedlar Says:

    We live in a Victorian conversion, and the chap upstairs has installed a juke box.
    He plays Oasis on a loop. What should we do?

    Kind regards, pp


  37. Ted Luoma Says:

    Who would be the victor in an arm wrestling match between SS and Putin?


  38. Ambrose Mugwump Says:

    Dear Sexy Stalin,

    Does Keanu Reeves know you stole his photograph?

    Your friend,
    Ambrose Mugwump


  39. vinnilibassi Says:

    Does SS have any ideas how we can incorporate the upcoming renewable energy policies into a lifestyle? Let’s say there turns out to be enough politicians not on the take and big oil and coal will be forced to dismantle oil rigs and use the parts for solar farms… how do we, the consumers, go cold turkey about burning the bad, bad fossils? The protesters in Lima with the signs that said “Leave the oil in the ground” all drove to the rally in their SUVs.



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