The Future Of Disney-Owned Star Wars: Revealed!

November 2, 2012

Film, Humor

Now that Disney has purchased LucasFilm for 4 billion dollars and announced the planning of indefinite new Star Wars installments, everyone’s wondering what they have in mind.  Basing things off of the books that have been written, or will they go in new directions?  Well, in a Byronic Man exclusive, I am pleased to present, for the first time, the blueprints for the next 14 years of the new Disney-fied Star Wars!

Ah, the force is non-threatentingly lovely with this one.

2015 – Episode VII: Return Of The Big-Eyed Princess

2016 – TV Series: The Short-Round – Jar Jar Binks, Horrible Stereotype variety hour!

2018 – Episode VIII: Attack of the Talking Utensils (featuring original music by Sir Elton John)

2018 – Afternoon cartoon: Baby Fett: The Littlest Bounty Hunter

2019 Grand Opening of “Death Star Trash Compactor: The Amusement Park Ride”

2020 – Episode IX: Somebody’s Mom Gets Killed At The Beginning

“Bum-BUM! Bum-bum-bum-BUUUUUUMMM-buuummm!! Bum-bum-bum-BUUUUMMM-buuuuummm…!”

2020 – Album: Star Wars Theme Music Karaoke

2021 – Star Wars: Han Solo jr. and the Wackiest Space Race! (straight-to-video release)

2021 – Ewoks: The Battle For Endor 2

2022 – Star Wars: Jedi Summer Camp (straight-to-video release)

2022 – Episode X: Would Anyone Notice If This Thing Was Just Suddenly All Talking Animals?

“Battle For Endor”? Anyone remember–? No? Just me? “Battle For..” Okay.  Just me.

2022 – Album – Jedi Summer Camp: Original music by the original cast!

2024 – Episode XI: Just A Bunch of Light Sabers and Johnny Depp And, I don’t Know, Nathan Lane?

2026 – Episode XII:  Return of the Return of the Jedi

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About The Byronic Man

Recently voted "The Best Humor Blog in America That I, Personally, Write," The Byronic Man is sometimes fiction, sometimes autobiography. And sometimes cultural criticism. Oh, and occasionally reviews. Okay, it's all those different things, but always humorous. Except on the occasions that it's not. Ah, geez. Look, it's a lot of things, okay? You might like it, is the point.

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74 Comments on “The Future Of Disney-Owned Star Wars: Revealed!”

  1. angrymiddleagewoman Says:

    I was about to remind you that Disney would of course have new, teen singing sensations to accompany the new movies – but you included it! Hmm, at what point will all the Star Wars movies you into the “vault” so they can be re-released 10 years later “remastered” and triple the original price?

    Reply

  2. becomingcliche Says:

    spot on. I don’t know whether to laugh or cry.

    Reply

  3. Tori Nelson Says:

    Would Anyone Notice If This Thing Was Just Suddenly All Talking Animals?… Nothing says Jedi Warrior like some singing bluebirds dancing about.

    Reply

    • The Byronic Man Says:

      If I had the resources, how great would it be to add some cartoon animals to scenes from Star Wars. Like when Obi-Wan is explaining The Force to Luke, have a bunch of adorable animals come sit by him.

      Reply

  4. Storkhunter Says:

    “Just a bunch of light sabers and Johnny Depp and, I don’t know, Nathan Lane”. LOL
    Not a big fan of either Star Wars or Disney but this post … Hilarious

    Reply

  5. prttynpnk Says:

    I for one have been missing Darth Vader having a bumbling warthog henchman.

    Reply

  6. Life With The Top Down Says:

    A local radio DJ here in Philly has been nothing short of crying on the air since the announcement….he can never see your blueprint or shall I say, his deepest fear. I love 2018.

    Reply

  7. Elyse Says:

    Are they selling tickets yet? Or toys?

    Reply

    • The Byronic Man Says:

      Oh, the toys… I mean, Lucas was no stranger to shameless commerce (C3P-O’s cereal, anyone?), but Disney? They paid $4 billion dollars, because they intend to make a hell of a lot more than that…

      Reply

  8. speaker7 Says:

    I think this also means a futuristic update of Herbie Fully Loaded.

    Reply

  9. WSW Says:

    I’ll happily sit through all of the above, but the day the Teletubbies make a guest appearance, I am out of the Star Wars business.

    Reply

  10. thefoodandwinehedonist Says:

    “The Short-Round – Jar Jar Binks, Horrible Stereotype variety hour!” = PRICELESS!

    I think people are overreacting. Every movie after Empire Strikes Back and the first Raiders are proof positive that George Lucas should not be making movies. Want more proof? Howard the Duck. At least the Pixar arm of Disney has been making some really solid films (except Cars 1 & 2).

    Reply

  11. Go Jules Go Says:

    Yes I WOULD notice. And I would love it. If I wasn’t still too busy watching the Summer Camp one.

    Reply

  12. susielindau Says:

    I wonder if the Bieber will make his way onto the Jedi scene….It is probably just a matter of time…..

    Reply

  13. mistyslaws Says:

    Yeah, pretty sure they’ve signed Johnny Depp up to play the new Darth Vadar for every movie from now until the end of the galaxy.

    Oh, and talking animals. Naturally.

    Reply

  14. Cassy Says:

    LOL I am so excited for Episode XI! Johnny Depp and Lightsabers? Yes please.

    Reply

  15. Lenore Diane Says:

    I find this a great deal funnier if it weren’t true.

    Reply

  16. sj Says:

    Surprisingly, I’m not that worried about it. While I could see parts of your schedule happening (and that terrifies me), I think there’s a chance we might see something good that doesn’t make me want to cry and vomit at the same time like the stupid prequels do.

    I pretend they don’t exist, because if they do, Darth Vader isn’t scary anymore.

    Reply

    • The Byronic Man Says:

      It’s entirely possible – at least in the short term. What they did with Avengers was inspired. Of course, Avengers 2 comes out in 2015, which means there’s about a 0% chance that Whedon will direct Episode VII, so that’s sad.

      Reply

      • sj Says:

        Yeah, I would LOVE to see a Whedon SW movie. I think they could also give it to someone who really loves the franchise already (like Kevin Smith, I’ll bet he’d do something kick ass with it) that would treat it and the audiences with the respect it/they deserve/s.

        Reply

  17. anecdotaltales Says:

    I think Nathan Lane should be mayor of Ewokia. That way he could fuss and fume (a la Mousetrap) when things go comedically awry and we all groan at his attempts of humorous resolution.

    Reply

  18. Wilma Says:

    NPR had a good cartoon on their Facebook page today. The Disney folks are asking Darth Vader to come over to the DARK side.

    Reply

  19. blissflower1969 Says:

    Dude, you have just confirmed my worst fears for this merger.

    Reply

  20. Michael Says:

    Hi there, hi there, ho there, he’s annoying as can be, J-A-R, J-A-R, B-I-N-K-S!

    Reply

  21. Every Record Tells A Story Says:

    This is good news. Disney have (say it quietly) produced some pretty cinematic moments over the years. Also some awful sickly sweet dross – but the idea that Lucas won’t be in charge has to be good. Let’s hope they get the Pixar guys in on it.

    Reply

  22. tomwisk Says:

    Mickey and Donald destroy Death Star II

    Reply

  23. benzeknees Says:

    Now you are a parent you will be very grateful for Disney movies!

    Reply

  24. JT Adamson Says:

    In a related story, I revealed the new Disney Villain a few days ago.

    You will be shocked, surprised, and thoroughly entertained by this malevolent duo:

    http://amuseorbemused.com/2012/10/disney-star-wars-villain-revealed/

    Reply

  25. clemarchives Says:

    The Sith will now be lorded over by the evil step mothers!

    Reply

  26. inukshuk Says:

    That’s it, I’m becoming a Trekkie…

    Reply

  27. Alison Armstrong Says:

    You are clearly not aware that there is already a real Lucas approved Star Wars Christmas album featuring such hits as “What do you get a Wookie for Christmas when he already owns a comb?” and which featured a young Jon Bon Jovi doing back up vocals. Here’s a sample http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IWKT03UVw2w

    Reply

  28. akorndog Says:

    Reblogged this on An Adventurous Youngster and commented:
    This made me laugh

    Reply

  29. Sarah Angleton Says:

    Actually I think all of these ideas may fit into the Star Wars Galaxy with no problem. Somewhere in my parents’ attic there is a copy of the Star Wars Christmas album that includes the best Christmas song of all time: “What do you get a Wookie for Christmas? (when he already owns a comb).” That one falls squarely on the shoulders of George Lucas himself. Maybe Disney will resurrect it. Hopefully as an MP3 this time, though. I think the Fisher price turn table is about to give out.

    Reply

  30. Snebs Says:

    As long as Vader puts Hannah Montana in a choke hold, I’m totally okay with this.

    Reply

  31. Shannon Says:

    That picture (and caption) of the guy for Star Wars karaoke…priceless! It really does GO. I don’t know how you find them. Having four kids (two are boys, and my girls are kinda into it too) I’m so sick of Star Wars. Episode XI? With Johnny Depp AND Nathan Lane? Could be a game-changer.

    Reply

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