Know Your Monsters – For Safety’s Sake

October 30, 2012


Here at the Byronic Man, we’re all about safety.  So, just in time to be prepared for Halloween, see how many of the movie monsters below you can identify!  (We’re looking for characters, not actors or movie titles).  Good luck, and no cheating!  You know what they say about cheaters:  “Winners never cheat, and cheaters get devoured by unholy terrors.”











Well?  How’d you do?

  • 10-11 = You may be a Slayer, or some other Vampire Hunter type. 
  • 8-9 = Excellent.  You are well-equiped to at least warn your friends.  Sure, you’ll ruin many a social event, and possibly bore them to death with your trivia knowledge, but when you’re inevitably attacked by terrible monster?  They’ll thank you.  
  • 6-7 = Very good.  You’re probably safe to go trick-or-treating.  Probably.
  • 4-5 = Not bad.  You may want to just periodically scream, “MONSTER!!! BURN IIIITTT!” to be on the safe side.
  • 2-3 = Jeez, I don’t know… What did they teach you where you grew up?  Seems like the schools in your area may have misplaced priorities.  Not preparing you for the real world.  
  • 0-1 = Oh man, you’re toast.  Just go ahead and say, “What was that sound?  I’ll just go check it out in the dark, alone, in my underwear” now and get it over with.

Check back tomorrow for the answers and how to handle yourself if you come across one of these on some dark night!

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About The Byronic Man

Recently voted "The Best Humor Site in America That I, Personally, Write," The Byronic Man is sometimes fiction, but sometimes autobiography. And sometimes cultural criticism. Oh, and occasionally reviews. Okay, it's all those different things, but always humorous. Except on the occasions that it's not. Ah, geez. Look, it's a lot of things, okay? You might like it, is the point.

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59 Comments on “Know Your Monsters – For Safety’s Sake”

  1. Storkhunter Says:

    I’m officially a dead woman. I definitely recognize two and possibly a third. I’ve led a sheltered life.


  2. Life With The Top Down Says:

    As the Mayor of Scaredy Cat Town, I am proud to announce that I did recognize 8, after I held my hands over my eyes and ever so slightly opened my fingers. I saw #3 at a drive-in, surrounded by woods…thank goodness I was there to make-out!


  3. Tori Nelson Says:

    Oh, answers? I got distracted… and peed my pants. I would definitely be the first one to get axed.


    • The Byronic Man Says:

      This is off topic, but the “peeing your pants” made me think of it – I just finished showing 127 Hours to my film students (the story of Aron Ralston, the hiker who got trapped in a Utah canyon for 5 days and wound up cutting off his own arm). The general consensus among the students was that they’d be up for cutting off their own limb, but would rather die than drink their own urine. I guess you’ve got to know where the line is.


  4. Le Clown Says:

    The Byronic Man,
    I’m still wishing for the day where there will be a symbiote between Sadako and the Host. I’d be called something like: Le Clown, only not as pretty.
    Le Clown


  5. Valentine Logar Says:

    I don’t know 1, 4 and 8 … am I dead?


  6. Katie Says:

    I’m embarrassed by how little of these I recognize. I need to get out more.


  7. angrymiddleagewoman Says:

    Well, I recognized several but only know the names of 2. In my defense I’m the product of the South Carolina school system. I’m also a scaredy cat like Life With the Top Down. Of the few horror movies I’ve seen, 78% of them have been viewed between my fingers as I covered my face with my hands.


  8. Michelle Gillies Says:

    I vaguely recognize, maybe, for of them. I can only name one for sure. According to your other responses I won’t be alone. Does “There’s safety in numbers” apply here.


    • The Byronic Man Says:

      Oh sure, you just want to avoid the various horror film mistakes. Let the others investigate the noise or go make out outside. But don’t let EVERYONE go off exploring, because then you’re the one left alone in the house, and that’s just as bad.


  9. susielindau Says:

    6! That’s not too bad and I will feel safe this year….I will scream, “Don’t go upstairs!” or “Don’t hide in the bathroom!” or “Stay away from the well!”


  10. angeliquejamail Says:

    Did Sexy Stalin make an appearance on the list? Or is that just my sleep-deprived imagination playing tricks on me again?


  11. Lisha @ The Lucky Mom Says:

    I’m a goner. I’d be the girl wandering alone in the forest in any one of these movies, to be referred to in the past tense thereafter.


  12. My Ox is a Moron Says:

    I recognized 5 and could only name 2. I plan on spending Halloween handing out miscelaneous body parts to the monsters that come to my door. Maybe then they will be satisfied and won’t come in.


  13. Don't Quote Lily Says:

    I can’t answer because I was just attacked by 7 of the 11 monsters whose names I do not know.


  14. Good Deed Says:

    10 I recognize, 5 I know what their names are. I watched it a lot when I was younger…
    But I would say star is Hannibal Lecter (he is so much real… I have always been afraid of him a lot :))


  15. musingsoftheamusingmuse Says:

    It’s plainly obvious that I do not know my monsters/bad guys… I knew the Rancor. But I’m a Star Wars nerd.


  16. Paul Says:

    If anyone comes to my door on Halloween I’ll be sure not to answer as it will definitely probably be a monster. I live in a ’55 and older’ community and there are no little ones running door to door. But then again, I’d probably be safe anyway as I’m well past the requisite age. Then again, I’m no virgin either so my chances may be only 50/50.


  17. jubilare Says:

    I’ve got 8, which I think is impressive for someone who doesn’t watch horror films… I’ve only seen two of the above.
    What I want to know is this: Are you going to provide a key, or are we going to have to go wandering about the internet-tubes to find out the ones we don’t know? It’s your responsibility to inform the public, sir! You started this!


  18. Adrea Says:

    I can’t wait to find out who #8 is. And that would definitely be the one who would kill me because his pretty face would distract me into thinking he wasn’t a monster…


  19. Lorna's Voice Says:

    I best stay behind closed, dead-bolted doors and hope that none of these monsters can detect sniveling…


  20. Audrey Says:

    I’m screwed! Can’t handle watching scary movies in the first place so when the baddies attack I’ll be greeting them at the door with tea and crumpets. (What are crumpets anyway???)


  21. becomingcliche Says:

    Let’s just say that if life were Star Trek, I’d be a redshirt.


  22. Deborah the Closet Monster Says:

    How do I watch so much horror and still only know 6 of these creatures? GEEZ.


  23. pegoleg Says:

    What the heck is Sexy Stalin doing there with the weirdos and psychopaths?… Oh.


  24. benzeknees Says:

    Oh, I’m in trouble! I only knew the guy from Silence of the Lambs & the guy from the Shining. BUT I would say we all have to go investigate & no one gets left behind because even if I don’t watch these movies I at least know the premise of staying together. Also, don’t be the one out of place or wearing a different color from everyone else (see Star Trek red uniforms) because you’ll be the first to go.


  25. makemewholeemily Says:

    i knew 5. I must be insane or completely dory scale forgetful but I think ill carry around some mace with me just in case.


  26. Blogdramedy Says:

    Too easy. B-Girl would not be amused.


  27. Sandy Sue Says:

    Wow, this really showed me how far I’ve come from my horror movie roots. I do know enough not to wear a red velour shirt or answer the door when Dan Aykroyd mutters, “Candygram.”


  28. Go Jules Go Says:

    Ha! If this doesn’t get Freshly Pressed for Halloween, my name isn’t Sexy Stalin’s #1 fan.

    Speaking of, I didn’t do half bad with this thanks to him. And it totally reminded me I dreamt of Sexy Stalin last night. It wasn’t sexy.

    Listen. Don’t judge me. I’ve been living on vodka and tears and brushing my teeth with bottle water for the last 40 hours.


  29. Elyse Says:

    Oh dear. I’m toast. I am way too scared of scary movies to survive. Oh well. Nice knowing you, Bryonic.


  30. Lillian Boyington Says:

    Your assesment of knowing only two is pretty accurate. I went to private schools all my life. SMILE
    My memory is fuzzy on most, as in I’ve seen or heard of them, but to name them forget it. I only knew #2 & #10, but my question is…. who is #8?


  31. Curly Carly Says:

    For the sake of maintaining my dignity, I won’t tell you how many of these I knew. Oh, for shame!



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