Sexy Stalin: he’s fasc-tastic!
Having problems with your relationships? Worried about financial planning? Paranoid that everyone around you is plotting your downfall and wishing to have them banished to a frozen hell-scape? Looking for a swarthy, attractive man to show you the way? Well you’re in luck, because it’s time once again to…
Ask Sexy Stalin!
Jules from Go Jules Go writes:
Dear Sexy Stalin, How do you fold a fitted sheet?
Dear Jules,
I can only hope a woman with such desirable breeding qualities as yourself isn’t slaving at the mercy of a fitted sheet – the most bourgeois of sheets. But if you must fold a fitted sheet, there is a simple trick: give the sheet one chance to fold properly. If it fails to do so, execute the pillow cases in front of it. Make sure it watches. I think you’ll find a much more cooperative sheet after that!
≈
Susie from Susie Lindau’s Wild Ride asks:
Dear Sexy Stalin, What is the sexiest political position?
Dear Susie,
Ladies’ choice. As long as the choice is psychotic fascism hiding under the guise of socialist populism. Otherwise the lady must be exiled or killed. But as long as that is her answer? Ladies’ choice.
≈
Sandy Sue from A Mind Divided asks,
And tell, me: what does this “American Captain” have that Cosmonaut Yuri Gagarin does not have?
How can I get my “husband,” Chris Evans, (Captain America) to come home and service me? Thanks!
Lovely Sandy Sue,
Well, if he is truly your husband and will not service you, he is a burden to the nation and should be shot. However, this might be explained if he is also a captain of America, for he is no doubt busy oppressing the masses and exploiting the poor to fuel his gluttonous needs. Perhaps you would like to express your loneliness to a sensitive, poetic looking man with nice hair, who will listen intensely, piercing you with his brooding eyes? And if one thing should lead to another…?
But if you are insistent, and he is an actor, then send him a message that you are filming a big, wasteful movie celebrating the vulgar decadence and crassness of bankrupt American culture in your basement. Once he is there, lock him up. It may take a few years, but he will eventually love you. The key is persistence, consistency, and the threat of death.
≈
MJ Monaghan writes,
Is it true you have an “I ♥ Stalin” tattoo?
Dear MJ,
It was supposed to say “I ♥ Sailin’.” The tattooist cleans toilets in the uranium mines now.
≈
The Byronic Man 
August 28, 2012 at 3:07 am
I’m going to write this in my journal and use it as my new mantra: The key is persistence, consistency, and the threat of death.
What could go wrong?
August 28, 2012 at 7:17 am
Wouldn’t that make a great poster for the office-place? Like, with a picture of someone climbing a mountain or an eagle soaring, or some other generic “motivational poster” picture?
August 28, 2012 at 8:08 am
It would, especially citing “Sexy Stalin” as the speaker.
I have a related post coming up. I hope you won’t mind if I quote SS.
August 29, 2012 at 7:58 am
I’ll run it by the Byronic attorneys…
… they say it’s okay.
August 28, 2012 at 8:02 pm
That line made me consider adorning my computer with sticky notes again. Well, one sticky note, saying only this.
I think there’s little that couldn’t be bettered by reading this line when . . . well, shoot. Anytime I am awake, but most especially when grumpy.
August 28, 2012 at 3:12 am
Dear Sexy Stalin
I’m not into facism. I’m more into the God thing myself.
Would you not stop your nonsense now, and come to church with me and sing a few worship songs?! (they’d be about God, not you btw!)
Aunty Amo
August 28, 2012 at 11:06 am
(Sexy Stalin will have to get back you – he was going to say that ‘singing is the opiate of the masses,’ but then thought he’d better check his Marxist lit, because he thinks that’s close, but not correct.)
August 28, 2012 at 11:53 am
Actually I think he’s right… Have you SEEN X Factor? 😀
August 28, 2012 at 4:25 am
This is so much better than Dear Abby. Seriously. Now I’m wondering if he would support me simply setting the fitted sheet on fire. Sexy Stalin, do you like s’mores?
August 28, 2012 at 6:22 am
P.S. – I would also just like to point out I was into Sexy Stalin before he went mainstream.
August 28, 2012 at 7:19 am
Yes, but he calls them S’Talins.
August 28, 2012 at 4:48 am
Hmm…the executing people to keep others in line sounds interesting to me. Does it work with insects?
August 28, 2012 at 4:55 am
Yes, it works with insects. When I have to address an ant issue in the kitchen, I like to leave a few dead ants around as an ominous warning to those that might think about resurgence.
People who think ants are friendly have not dealt with the ant problems I have dealt with – when they come between me and a cup of tea by climbing into the kettle, they have invaded poland.
August 28, 2012 at 7:19 am
Yes, but getting their heads on little tiny stakes can be extremely difficult.
August 28, 2012 at 4:53 am
Man where was sexy stalin when I had to make a life changing decision on a piece of paperwork this morning?
He woulda known what to do!
If stalin doesn’t like s’mores I will no longer trust his judgement…
August 28, 2012 at 7:23 am
“What Would Sexy Stalin Do?” bracelets will be on sale at the Byronic Man store soon.
August 28, 2012 at 7:48 am
OMG. That’s IT! That’s your thing! Can you see this? I’m attempting to reach new levels of WordPress Geekdom:
http://gojulesgo.com/2012/07/09/a-very-byronic-birthday/wwssd/
August 28, 2012 at 9:54 am
And for Halloween…a Sexy Stalin mask with removable mustache glasses.
August 28, 2012 at 5:18 am
hahaha! This is so funny. My favorite was Ladies Choice. =)
August 28, 2012 at 7:27 am
And, of course, it goes without saying that it’s said in a smooth baritone, probably with one eyebrow arched.
August 28, 2012 at 5:59 am
I like that he is now a matchmaker as well. That is a nice trait to have in a Sexy Stalin.
And I never thought to execute the pillowcases to get the sheets in line. I’m wondering, though, if maybe they have tried to commit suicide because of their lowly and peasant-like existence. Would explain all the holes in them. Hmmmm.
August 28, 2012 at 7:27 am
All bedding accoutrements are equal. But some are more equal than others.
August 28, 2012 at 10:49 am
Aren’t ALL accouterments equal in a Stalinist society? 🙂
August 28, 2012 at 6:11 am
Delightful and then some. I only wish I had more pillow cases to serve as reminders to my uncooperative sheets. Maybe a regime change would fix it all.
August 28, 2012 at 11:02 am
A dishtowel can be made an example of, in a pinch.
August 28, 2012 at 6:13 am
Psychotic Facsism. I will remember that. Thank you Sexy Stalin! Now I can sleep well once again….
I do have another question. What kind of hair product do you use?
August 28, 2012 at 11:03 am
None. His hair stays that way on command.
August 28, 2012 at 11:07 am
….you are good Byronic Man…….
August 28, 2012 at 6:53 am
I must remember that the next time I try to fold my fitted sheet. Brilliant, Sexy Stalin. And sorry about the tattoo mishap. What a bummer.
August 28, 2012 at 11:04 am
Fortunately, Sexy Stalin has very high self-esteem, so it’s not a total loss.
August 28, 2012 at 7:32 am
Dear Sexy Stalin,
My mom always says food is the best way to get to a man’s heart. What food would you use to get to a man’s heart and why?
August 28, 2012 at 11:07 am
I’m going to hang on to this one for the next installment…
August 28, 2012 at 11:19 am
And next time I won’t miss my chance to get a speedy answer from Sexy Stalin. Drat!
August 28, 2012 at 7:45 am
I LOVE this. And today, I’m going to channel a little bit of Stalin and give people ONE CHANCE. I predict much carnage.
August 28, 2012 at 11:05 am
Hopefully no one calls you on their one chance. Nothing’s worse than giving someone one chance, they blow it, and you have nothing to back it up. “Okay, well, then… there you go…”
August 28, 2012 at 8:41 am
The risk of being exiled or killed is sure to spice up anyone’s sex life – good call, SS.
August 28, 2012 at 11:08 am
That reminds me of a Pedro Almodovar movie… I want to say “Matador”? – about a couple turned on by the threat of death. The climax (ha!) of the movie is the two of them having sex during an eclipse as police burst in to gun them down. I could be remembering that wrong – it’s been a long time.
August 28, 2012 at 12:00 pm
That could be “Matador”, but then again it could be so many other films. Hasn’t that climax-during-eclipse-with-police-gunning-you-down theme just been done to death?
August 28, 2012 at 6:34 pm
Here’s the Wikipedia synopsis to refresh your memory:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Matador_%28film%29
with an Almodovar filmography at the end.
August 28, 2012 at 8:26 pm
True. Although, that was the best scene in Sleepless in Seattle. Or did my mind wander during that movie?
August 28, 2012 at 9:35 am
Dear Sexy Stalin, After a day of world domination, I feel the need to relax. Any suggestions?
August 28, 2012 at 10:51 am
Oh, the answers were so perfect, SS, I mean B-Man.
I was wondering about that tattoo being misspelled, and executing the pillow cases first – that’s pure Stalin genius!
August 29, 2012 at 7:59 am
Sexy Stalin was particularly proud of that idea.
August 28, 2012 at 1:45 pm
Dear Sexy Stalin,
You seem to have turned a corner from trendy hipster to iron-fisted dictator (equally trend-setting, I should add). But I have to ask, which is better: the well-groomed beard or the full-bristled mustache?
August 29, 2012 at 8:04 am
There are very few Caucasian men who can get away with the mustache. David Crosby. Tom Selleck (obviously). Ernest Hemingway. Stalin. A few others. But it’s not worth the risk.
August 28, 2012 at 6:42 pm
Oh, no! Sexy Stalin! When I saw you posted this picture last week, I couldn’t believe it was really him. Please say it isn’t him! I feel dead inside.
(Thank you sweet baby Jesus that the Byronic Man will never, ever uncover a Sexy Rasputin.)
Fitted sheet, for the love of Martha Stewart! Jules, you are a girl after my own heart. You knew that though.
August 29, 2012 at 5:21 am
Ang, would you still say that if I told you I borrowed (‘stole’ is so harsh) the fitted sheet topic from B Man’s JuJuBees post? (Yes. Yes I AM calling it The JuJuBees Post. So what?)
August 29, 2012 at 6:33 am
Ooh, it’s all coming back to me now, JuJu.
August 29, 2012 at 8:06 am
Yes, that’s really him. I intend to use a young/older photo set when Kidneybean reaches puberty. “See this guy? Good-looking isn’t he? Yeah. Pretty sexy. WELL HE BECOMES THIS! MURDER! MURDER! MURDER AND UGLY!”
August 29, 2012 at 10:47 am
Then show Kidneybean a photo of how Bill Gates looked in 1980.
August 28, 2012 at 9:14 pm
Dear Sexy Stalin,
I am a leader of a country. After how many officials meeting with a leader of another country is it acceptable to kiss that leader on the mouth?
August 28, 2012 at 9:57 pm
Dear S.S.
If I have to execute four million of the proletariat, can I claim the cost of the ammunition as a business expense?
August 29, 2012 at 6:35 am
My love life has quadrupled! Joey on the side and a superhero in the basement. What more could a girl ask for!
August 29, 2012 at 8:06 am
Possibly a bigger house. It’s getting crowded!
August 29, 2012 at 7:17 pm
Dear sexy Stalin, my leopard gecko is depressed because her tail is too fat. Any ideas on how to snap her out of it?
August 30, 2012 at 6:53 am
The best part about the facilities in uranium mines = glowing urinal cakes.
August 30, 2012 at 3:16 pm
Bringin’ it with the tough love! Do I see bondage in your future? 😉
August 31, 2012 at 5:09 am
I think all tattoo “artists” should be exposed to the same punishment when they screw up. There are too many of them that do not know how to spell that are still free.
August 31, 2012 at 7:18 am
Wouldn’t that be cool if tattoo parlors were required by law to have a licensed English teacher on staff?
August 31, 2012 at 9:10 am
…armed with red ink pens!
October 15, 2012 at 5:30 pm
Stalin lost me when he decided to just rock a moustache and not the rest of the manly beard. Beards are still cool right?
You won me at Hilariouser.
March 13, 2013 at 1:30 pm
Dear Sexy Stalin,
What should I do if my kids aren’t listening to me? Our American way isn’t working.
Much thanks,
Normandie