Ask Sexy Stalin!

August 28, 2012

Ask Sexy Stalin, Humor

Sexy Stalin: he’s fasc-tastic!

Having problems with your relationships?  Worried about financial planning?  Paranoid that everyone around you is plotting your downfall and wishing to have them banished to a frozen hell-scape?  Looking for a swarthy, attractive man to show you the way?  Well you’re in luck, because it’s time once again to…

Ask Sexy Stalin!

Jules from Go Jules Go writes:

Dear Sexy Stalin, How do you fold a fitted sheet?

Dear Jules,

I can only hope a woman with such desirable breeding qualities as yourself isn’t slaving at the mercy of a fitted sheet – the most bourgeois of sheets.  But if you must fold a fitted sheet, there is a simple trick: give the sheet one chance to fold properly.  If it fails to do so, execute the pillow cases in front of it.  Make sure it watches.  I think you’ll find a much more cooperative sheet after that!

Susie from Susie Lindau’s Wild Ride asks:

Dear Sexy Stalin, What is the sexiest political position?

Dear Susie,

Ladies’ choice.  As long as the choice is psychotic fascism hiding under the guise of socialist populism.  Otherwise the lady must be exiled or killed.  But as long as that is her answer?  Ladies’ choice.

Sandy Sue from A Mind Divided asks,

And tell, me: what does this “American Captain” have that Cosmonaut Yuri Gagarin does not have?

How can I get my “husband,” Chris Evans, (Captain America) to come home and service me? Thanks!

Lovely Sandy Sue,

Well, if he is truly your husband and will not service you, he is a burden to the nation and should be shot.  However, this might be explained if he is also a captain of America, for he is no doubt busy oppressing the masses and exploiting the poor to fuel his gluttonous needs.  Perhaps you would like to express your loneliness to a sensitive, poetic looking man with nice hair, who will listen intensely, piercing you with his brooding eyes?  And if one thing should lead to another…?

But if you are insistent, and he is an actor, then send him a message that you are filming a big, wasteful movie celebrating the vulgar decadence and crassness of bankrupt American culture in your basement.  Once he is there, lock him up.  It may take a few years, but he will eventually love you.  The key is persistence, consistency, and the threat of death.

MJ Monaghan writes,

Is it true you have an “I ♥ Stalin” tattoo?

Dear MJ,

It was supposed to say “I ♥ Sailin’.” The tattooist cleans toilets in the uranium mines now.

Do you need guidance with your career?  Love life?  Global domination? Then why not… Ask Sexy Stalin!?

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About The Byronic Man

Recently voted "The Best Humor Site in America That I, Personally, Write," The Byronic Man is sometimes fiction, but sometimes autobiography. And sometimes cultural criticism. Oh, and occasionally reviews. Okay, it's all those different things, but always humorous. Except on the occasions that it's not. Ah, geez. Look, it's a lot of things, okay? You might like it, is the point.

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66 Comments on “Ask Sexy Stalin!”

  1. Hippie Cahier Says:

    I’m going to write this in my journal and use it as my new mantra: The key is persistence, consistency, and the threat of death.

    What could go wrong?


    • The Byronic Man Says:

      Wouldn’t that make a great poster for the office-place? Like, with a picture of someone climbing a mountain or an eagle soaring, or some other generic “motivational poster” picture?


    • Deborah the Closet Monster Says:

      That line made me consider adorning my computer with sticky notes again. Well, one sticky note, saying only this.

      I think there’s little that couldn’t be bettered by reading this line when . . . well, shoot. Anytime I am awake, but most especially when grumpy.


  2. auntyamo Says:

    Dear Sexy Stalin
    I’m not into facism. I’m more into the God thing myself.
    Would you not stop your nonsense now, and come to church with me and sing a few worship songs?! (they’d be about God, not you btw!)
    Aunty Amo


  3. Go Jules Go Says:

    This is so much better than Dear Abby. Seriously. Now I’m wondering if he would support me simply setting the fitted sheet on fire. Sexy Stalin, do you like s’mores?


  4. speaker7 Says:

    Hmm…the executing people to keep others in line sounds interesting to me. Does it work with insects?


    • Kate Says:

      Yes, it works with insects. When I have to address an ant issue in the kitchen, I like to leave a few dead ants around as an ominous warning to those that might think about resurgence.

      People who think ants are friendly have not dealt with the ant problems I have dealt with – when they come between me and a cup of tea by climbing into the kettle, they have invaded poland.


    • The Byronic Man Says:

      Yes, but getting their heads on little tiny stakes can be extremely difficult.


  5. Kate Says:

    Man where was sexy stalin when I had to make a life changing decision on a piece of paperwork this morning?

    He woulda known what to do!

    If stalin doesn’t like s’mores I will no longer trust his judgement…


  6. EllieAnn Says:

    hahaha! This is so funny. My favorite was Ladies Choice. =)


  7. mistyslaws Says:

    I like that he is now a matchmaker as well. That is a nice trait to have in a Sexy Stalin.

    And I never thought to execute the pillowcases to get the sheets in line. I’m wondering, though, if maybe they have tried to commit suicide because of their lowly and peasant-like existence. Would explain all the holes in them. Hmmmm.


  8. anecdotaltales Says:

    Delightful and then some. I only wish I had more pillow cases to serve as reminders to my uncooperative sheets. Maybe a regime change would fix it all.


  9. susielindau Says:

    Psychotic Facsism. I will remember that. Thank you Sexy Stalin! Now I can sleep well once again….
    I do have another question. What kind of hair product do you use?


  10. Cassy Says:

    I must remember that the next time I try to fold my fitted sheet. Brilliant, Sexy Stalin. And sorry about the tattoo mishap. What a bummer.


  11. clemarchives Says:

    Dear Sexy Stalin,
    My mom always says food is the best way to get to a man’s heart. What food would you use to get to a man’s heart and why?


  12. mylifeisthebestlife Says:

    I LOVE this. And today, I’m going to channel a little bit of Stalin and give people ONE CHANCE. I predict much carnage.


    • The Byronic Man Says:

      Hopefully no one calls you on their one chance. Nothing’s worse than giving someone one chance, they blow it, and you have nothing to back it up. “Okay, well, then… there you go…”


  13. pegoleg Says:

    The risk of being exiled or killed is sure to spice up anyone’s sex life – good call, SS.


  14. Lorna's Voice Says:

    Dear Sexy Stalin, After a day of world domination, I feel the need to relax. Any suggestions?


  15. mj monaghan Says:

    Oh, the answers were so perfect, SS, I mean B-Man.

    I was wondering about that tattoo being misspelled, and executing the pillow cases first – that’s pure Stalin genius!


  16. Audrey Says:

    Dear Sexy Stalin,

    You seem to have turned a corner from trendy hipster to iron-fisted dictator (equally trend-setting, I should add). But I have to ask, which is better: the well-groomed beard or the full-bristled mustache?


    • The Byronic Man Says:

      There are very few Caucasian men who can get away with the mustache. David Crosby. Tom Selleck (obviously). Ernest Hemingway. Stalin. A few others. But it’s not worth the risk.


  17. Angie Z. Says:

    Oh, no! Sexy Stalin! When I saw you posted this picture last week, I couldn’t believe it was really him. Please say it isn’t him! I feel dead inside.

    (Thank you sweet baby Jesus that the Byronic Man will never, ever uncover a Sexy Rasputin.)

    Fitted sheet, for the love of Martha Stewart! Jules, you are a girl after my own heart. You knew that though.


  18. List of X Says:

    Dear Sexy Stalin,
    I am a leader of a country. After how many officials meeting with a leader of another country is it acceptable to kiss that leader on the mouth?


  19. Archon's Den Says:

    Dear S.S.
    If I have to execute four million of the proletariat, can I claim the cost of the ammunition as a business expense?


  20. Sandy Sue Says:

    My love life has quadrupled! Joey on the side and a superhero in the basement. What more could a girl ask for!


  21. Barbara Backer-Gray Says:

    Dear sexy Stalin, my leopard gecko is depressed because her tail is too fat. Any ideas on how to snap her out of it?


  22. spilledinkguy Says:

    The best part about the facilities in uranium mines = glowing urinal cakes.


  23. Blogdramedy Says:

    Bringin’ it with the tough love! Do I see bondage in your future? 😉


  24. Michelle Gillies Says:

    I think all tattoo “artists” should be exposed to the same punishment when they screw up. There are too many of them that do not know how to spell that are still free.


  25. NikNuk Says:

    Stalin lost me when he decided to just rock a moustache and not the rest of the manly beard. Beards are still cool right?

    You won me at Hilariouser.


  26. Norman Says:

    Dear Sexy Stalin,
    What should I do if my kids aren’t listening to me? Our American way isn’t working.
    Much thanks,



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