Olympic Blogging. Yeah. I Like The Sound of That.

July 8, 2012


The Olympic trials are wrapping up (Go Ashton Eaton!), and we’re all set for another year of the games. We are all set, right London?  Nothing you need to tell us?  Great.

The Olympics, of course, have changed a lot since their noble beginnings. Initially, the idea was to take warfare and place it in a non-lethal arena.  Instead of actually hurling stones and spears at each other, you send your best guy, I’ll send mind; they hurl shotputs, javelins, and discuses (disci?), see who wins, go have beer, no one’s dead.  A truly great idea.

Named for the terrible battle that took place in the strangely-shaped foothills of Hurdlesberg.

Then, of course you add running (logical), high jump (a bit of a stretch, but okay), hurdles (Huh? What kind of weird war was this?), and soon you’ve got solo synchronized swimming on your hands.  Some of the weirder events?

Tug-of-war (all the excitement of grade-school gym class but with national pride on the line)

Painting (“Aaaaaand here comes Norway with a splash of lavender to accentuate the sunset!   He’s coming up on Brazil, but Brazil is – WHOA – look at that texture Brazil is adding to the foliage on that hillside scene!  I don’t think anyone can catch Brazil at this point…!”)

What? It’s an obstacle. I don’t know, figure it out!  You’re the Olympian!

Swimming obstacle race (please let the obstacles be bears; please let the obstacles be bears; please let the obstacles be bears)

and Mud Fighting (an event created – this is true – so that “primitive” countries could come to the Olympics.  And people think The West is condescending.  “Hey, Patagonia!  Nice to see you!  Of course we want you here!  Look at your little outfits. We even made a special little area for you to compete in.  In addition to Mud Fighting we’ve got events for you like Feces-Smearing, Counting To 8, Not Drowning in A Rainstorm, and Competitive Dying of Easily Treatable Diseases!  You have fun, and keep at it!”)

But, alas, these events didn’t last.

So, with that in mind – the origins of replicating competition of real day to day life, and trying to reward very specific skillsets – what would simulate these things now?  For your Weekly Question of the Week: What summer Olympic event would you like to see created?  Would it beat the heat?  Simulate modern war or business?  Focus on a really specific skillset? Winter’s got Curling to up the “Seriously?” factor, but what would give Summer a little awesomeness?

Also, of course, be sure to vote for the finalists for last week’s caption contest.

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About The Byronic Man

Recently voted "The Best Humor Site in America That I, Personally, Write," The Byronic Man is sometimes fiction, but sometimes autobiography. And sometimes cultural criticism. Oh, and occasionally reviews. Okay, it's all those different things, but always humorous. Except on the occasions that it's not. Ah, geez. Look, it's a lot of things, okay? You might like it, is the point.

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69 Comments on “Olympic Blogging. Yeah. I Like The Sound of That.”

  1. Meredith Says:

    Gardening. More specifically orchid growing. Really I just need tips keeping my orchid alive, and I’d like to see the experts do it. (Now that I say this….is gardening an Olympic sport? Or have I just convinced myself of the absolute feasibility of it…?)


  2. Go Jules Go Says:

    “Competitive Dying of Easily Treatable Diseases.” HA! And I’m supposed to top that? Okay…

    Spelling Bee. Wait wait. Not what you’re thinking. They have to perform spells from Harry Potter whilst trying to retrieve honey WITHOUT wearing a bee suit. In the event that all competitors live and collect the honey, the person with the least amount of stings wins, otherwise, whoever’s still standing.


  3. Valentine Logar Says:

    Why do I read you in the morning, why? I always have coffee in my mouth. Could coffee spitting be an Olympic Sport? Think we could actually add economic value to smaller countries at the same time we are encouraging people like me to take up a sport…..WIN


  4. Tez Says:

    Morris Dancing. Knitting. Clog Dancing. Lumberjacking. Comedy (with laugh meters). Take your pick. These couldn’t be any more boring than what’s on offer in the modern Olympics. Can’t wait for the bloody games to be over and what passes for sanity to return 🙂


    • The Byronic Man Says:

      I wonder what kind of “performance enhancers” one takes for knitting.


      • Tez Says:

        Oh, that’s easy. It’s called watching television. The background music of the ads and programs create a beat that increases or decreases the tempo of the stitch rate. Pre-programming the contestant’s viewing would add to or subtract seconds from the final result. I suspect that a lot of television tampering would go on behind the scenes.
        Watching such a contest would be like watching paint dry. But then, for me, so is watching the Olympics!


  5. Renée A. Schuls-Jacobson Says:

    Driving with the elderly. First person to express any kind of “road rage” is eliminated. Can you tell I’m in Florida right now? And while we’re at it…I know we’re not supposed to text while driving, but what if NASCAR lovers were treated to watching people race in a circle but with a twist. They have to answer automated texts. Whoever crosses the finish line first having responded to the most texts wins. Unless he or she has died in a fiery ball of doom. Just suggestions.


  6. racheldeangelis Says:

    I’ve always wondered why sock puppet making never made it to the Olympic arena. It’s such an unappreciated art! Of course, if making the sock puppets becomes a really close race, the sock puppets could always battle it out with each other when they’re finished…


  7. Brown Road Chronicles Says:

    Great post, love the list of “primitive” events!


    • The Byronic Man Says:

      In addition to Mud Fighting, the real “primitive” events also included Rock Throwing and Greased Pole Climbing. Wouldn’t it be nice if that entire list had been made up?


  8. crubin Says:

    Teenage eye rolling


  9. List of X Says:

    Competitive Olympic event criticizing. Competitors would be judged on both harshness and fairness of their criticism.


  10. List of X Says:

    Jersey-Shoring: Whoever gets the most hookups with the least STD’s wins. Points are added for extra tan and subtracted for intelligence.


  11. 1pointperspective Says:

    It’s time for Olympic-level driving. Competitors must face a relatively simple task; driving a car in rush-hour traffic. The task is made more challenging by adding degrees of difficulty including texting, doing sudoko puzzles, applying cosmetics, managing contact lenses, placating infants in the back seat, breaking up squabbles between older children in other seats, eating, finding a good song on the radio, and of course flipping off fellow competitors.


  12. 1pointperspective Says:

    The competitive eating world has long fought to be taken seriously. In order to give the sport more pizazz, the Olympic version would require chewing each, modest bite properly and maintaining good manners – not dribbling wing sauce down your chin and pinkies out!


    • The Byronic Man Says:

      It IS taken seriously – isn’t that just unthinkable? I keep thinking “Yakety-Sax” should be playing in the background, and people are talking about its nuances and history and key-players like it’s the Israel/Palestine conflict.


      • 1pointperspective Says:

        if you really think about it, any sport will seem absurd if you listen to enough experts talk about it for long enough. The big business of sports has insisted on giving non-stop play by play on every athletic endeavor. As I wrote in a recent post, we don’t need to hear commentary for every inch traveled of a 139 mile bike race.


  13. every record tells a story Says:

    How about hitting a ball with a stick into a three inch hole? Golf will be in the Olympics next time around… The sound you can hear is Achilles turning in his grave…


  14. Life With The Top Down Says:

    Olympic Sarcastic Comebacks…Bronze level: Everyday encounters (the real challenge is not being maimed in the process); Silver level: Family members & co-workers (feelings & employment are at risk …this takes skill) Gold level: You must take on Fox news commentators one at a time until you reach the ultimate agitator..Rush and you will listen to him discuss Obamacare. (Your tongue is your only weapon..use it wisely). If you are conservative, you will face Jon Stewart (Good luck with that)

    We make our own rules here right?


  15. Michelle Gillies Says:

    Hands down… Margarita drinking on outdoor patios with obstacles. That is all.


  16. Angie Z. Says:

    I’m so clueless about the Olympics. Everything you write about could be true for all I know. I hope that doesn’t make me less patriotic. Because I don’t blow up firecrackers on the 4th either 😦

    My proposed Olympics sport would be Name That Tune. I think it’d foster a lot of unity if we could all name that tune together (say, Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go) in four to five notes.


    • The Byronic Man Says:

      Homeland Security’s on the phone for you.

      Hey, you’re a pop culture aficionado of my approximate age-range. I assume you watched WKRP in Cincinnati. Do you remember the episode where Johnny Fever messes up the “Name these tunes” promo and says the prize is 1,000 dollars (instead of like 10), so they try to make an impregnable compilation?


      • Angie Z. Says:

        No! I wish I remembered that one because Name That Tune was one of my favorite game shows. All I remember from my time spent watching WKRP is the epic turkey drop episode and Loni Anderson’s hair.

        But you had me intrigued so I had to look it up. I found this summary and knew right away that I missed a gem:

        “…Unfortunately someone still wins. Herb convinces Carlson that it is the ‘dungaree’ generation sabotaging the ‘suits’ generation and pushes Carlson to the brink of firing Andy, Venus & Johnny. However, it is Johnny to the rescue when Les & Herb accidentally give the prize money to the wrong person.”


        • The Byronic Man Says:

          Angie. Angie. Angie, Angie, Angie… you owe it to yourself to watch every episode of WKRP. You will be a happier, better person. Tomorrow is my birthday, and for my birthday I would like you to watch WKRP, and then we can blog about it.


          • Angie Z. Says:

            Is it streaming on Netflix? Please say yes. I’ll most definitely watch it, and yes we will blog about it. Although, maybe that’d be a bad thing if it were streaming. I have barely left the house since Netflix started streaming Leave It to Beaver.

            I’m sure I didn’t understand much of the funny of WKRP as a kid. The only reason I loved Three’s Company was because Jack was always falling over himself.


            • The Byronic Man Says:

              No, but it’s all on YouTube. If you’re not boycotting YouTube because of the “Interview w/myself” thing (I’m reading your post right now. I’m also late for something, though, so I’ll have to comment there later. I’m not snubbing.


              • Angie Z. Says:

                Unfortunately, my blog depends on YouTube clip references. If I were to boycott YouTube, I would’ve done it years ago after I watched that chimp pass out from smelling his own bottom.


          • She's a Maineiac Says:

            “Give it to me straight, doctor, I can take it!”


  17. k8edid Says:

    Put some backyard summer in your Olympics, folks!!! Individual events – combined for the new decathalon:

    Olympic canonball into a backyard pool (most displaced H20 wins). (losing your trunks or bikini top – extra points).

    Sychronized skinny-dipping.

    Rhythmic rollerblading,

    3 legged croquet.

    Full contact badminton.

    Hands-free ice cone eating.

    Sunscreen squirting.

    Grill utensil toss.

    Hammock gymnastics.

    Tag team Slip-n-slide.

    Family reunion planners – no need to thank me.


  18. Ape No. 1 Says:

    Synchronized Synchronizing – A team of 4 all attempt to set their watches to the exact same in the shortest period of time. Usually this is followed by days of heated debate by the losing team on the accuracy of the officials timing.

    Synchronized Synthesizing – A team of 4 all attempt to play the keyboard riff from Aha’s song Take On Me non-stop for the longest period of time in an endless loop without playing any off notes.

    Synchronized Synergizing – A team of 4 all attempt to motivate themselves in a corporate environment by referring to their team’s performance with as many made up corporate terms as possible, eg Synergizing. If an actual real word is used the team is disqualified.

    I think I should stop now … Good topic Byronic Man 🙂


  19. Love & Lunchmeat Says:

    Take Dance-a-thons and competitive freeze dancing and combine the two. It should be done to eighties pop music, in order to keep spirits high. And people are allowed to wear water backpacks to stay hydrated for the twelve hours of dancing ahead of them. After twelve hours, take whoever hasn’t given up and/or passed out, and see who can do the best Boy George interpretation.

    Of course, the real win here is bragging rights.


  20. makeupandmirtazapine Says:

    As it’s in London how about competitive running for London buses?
    Who can stay upstairs on one of the open top buses the longest before catching hypothermia?
    Oh, and there should definitely an event where each country competes to see who can squash the most amount of people into a tube carriage.


  21. Carol of the Bells Says:

    Did anyone say Flaming Bumper Cars? How about National Anthem Singing? Maybe both at the same time?


  22. Soma Mukherjee Says:

    i want underwater blogging…i just want it that’s it ..and no oxygen tank..one just has to dive in with their laptops and remain seated and blogging on the pool floor as long as they can…


  23. Elyse Says:

    The suggestions are all pretty terrific. However, we have left out the younger generation who want to be Olympians, too. As well as the older folks.

    For the Youngsters, I recommend alphabet burping — we Americans are a shoe-in for that one. Do you think it is even possible to burp the alphabet in Chinese? And how do you do those backwards letters in languages like Russian?

    For the geezers, we can have them list medical complaints. First one to 100 wins.


  24. spilledinkguy Says:

    I’m pulling for whatever event might involve the least amount of activity. Or effort. Whatsoever. Napping, maybe? Olympic napping? Speaking of which… I should probably get some practice in… I’d hate to pull a hammy.


  25. Richard Wiseman Says:

    Here’s my views on the London Olympics. Olympic blogging, yeah, Olympic reading yeah, the actual Olympics? waste of time money and effort. http://lettersfromnomansland.blogspot.co.uk/2012/05/carrying-torch-for-civilization-kiss-my.html


  26. Derek Zenith Says:

    I’d like to see BMX on Penny-Farthing bikes. That would be cool. Oh, and table soccer.



  1. A Very Byronic Birthday! | Go Jules Go - July 9, 2012

    […] (If you *gasp, sputter, gadzooks!* don’t know The Byronic Man, please stop everything you’re doing, tell your boss/spouse/kids/plants/Jeremiah your new garden bull frog [oh, just me?] you’re suffering from a happiness-threatening giggle deficit, and head over to his blog. You won’t be sorry. Oh and hey, while you’re there, maybe vote for me in his latest Question of the Week contest.) […]

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