The Olympic trials are wrapping up (Go Ashton Eaton!), and we’re all set for another year of the games. We are all set, right London? Nothing you need to tell us? Great.
The Olympics, of course, have changed a lot since their noble beginnings. Initially, the idea was to take warfare and place it in a non-lethal arena. Instead of actually hurling stones and spears at each other, you send your best guy, I’ll send mind; they hurl shotputs, javelins, and discuses (disci?), see who wins, go have beer, no one’s dead. A truly great idea.
Named for the terrible battle that took place in the strangely-shaped foothills of Hurdlesberg.
Then, of course you add running (logical), high jump (a bit of a stretch, but okay), hurdles (Huh? What kind of weird war was this?), and soon you’ve got solo synchronized swimming on your hands. Some of the weirder events?
Tug-of-war (all the excitement of grade-school gym class but with national pride on the line)
Painting (“Aaaaaand here comes Norway with a splash of lavender to accentuate the sunset! He’s coming up on Brazil, but Brazil is – WHOA – look at that texture Brazil is adding to the foliage on that hillside scene! I don’t think anyone can catch Brazil at this point…!”)
What? It’s an obstacle. I don’t know, figure it out! You’re the Olympian!
Swimming obstacle race (please let the obstacles be bears; please let the obstacles be bears; please let the obstacles be bears)
and Mud Fighting (an event created – this is true – so that “primitive” countries could come to the Olympics. And people think The West is condescending. “Hey, Patagonia! Nice to see you! Of course we want you here! Look at your little outfits. We even made a special little area for you to compete in. In addition to Mud Fighting we’ve got events for you like Feces-Smearing, Counting To 8, Not Drowning in A Rainstorm, and Competitive Dying of Easily Treatable Diseases! You have fun, and keep at it!”)
But, alas, these events didn’t last.
So, with that in mind – the origins of replicating competition of real day to day life, and trying to reward very specific skillsets – what would simulate these things now? For your Weekly Question of the Week: What summer Olympic event would you like to see created? Would it beat the heat? Simulate modern war or business? Focus on a really specific skillset? Winter’s got Curling to up the “Seriously?” factor, but what would give Summer a little awesomeness?
Also, of course, be sure to vote for the finalists for last week’s caption contest.
The Byronic Man 
July 8, 2012 at 3:23 am
Gardening. More specifically orchid growing. Really I just need tips keeping my orchid alive, and I’d like to see the experts do it. (Now that I say this….is gardening an Olympic sport? Or have I just convinced myself of the absolute feasibility of it…?)
July 8, 2012 at 7:57 am
Hm, I could see it having been at some point. I know, in addition to Painting, Music Composition was an event for a while. (Best part: you just submitted the sheet music; it never even got played)
July 9, 2012 at 12:53 am
So maybe people just brough plants around with them and tried to win medals. Makes perfect sense.
July 8, 2012 at 4:00 am
“Competitive Dying of Easily Treatable Diseases.” HA! And I’m supposed to top that? Okay…
Spelling Bee. Wait wait. Not what you’re thinking. They have to perform spells from Harry Potter whilst trying to retrieve honey WITHOUT wearing a bee suit. In the event that all competitors live and collect the honey, the person with the least amount of stings wins, otherwise, whoever’s still standing.
July 8, 2012 at 7:55 am
Bonus points for including “whilst” in the description.
July 8, 2012 at 4:02 am
Why do I read you in the morning, why? I always have coffee in my mouth. Could coffee spitting be an Olympic Sport? Think we could actually add economic value to smaller countries at the same time we are encouraging people like me to take up a sport…..WIN
July 8, 2012 at 7:52 am
I would love an event where you try to make people spit out their drinks. Do you go for laughing? Gross-out?
July 8, 2012 at 4:37 am
Morris Dancing. Knitting. Clog Dancing. Lumberjacking. Comedy (with laugh meters). Take your pick. These couldn’t be any more boring than what’s on offer in the modern Olympics. Can’t wait for the bloody games to be over and what passes for sanity to return 🙂
July 8, 2012 at 7:50 am
I wonder what kind of “performance enhancers” one takes for knitting.
July 8, 2012 at 10:32 am
Oh, that’s easy. It’s called watching television. The background music of the ads and programs create a beat that increases or decreases the tempo of the stitch rate. Pre-programming the contestant’s viewing would add to or subtract seconds from the final result. I suspect that a lot of television tampering would go on behind the scenes.
Watching such a contest would be like watching paint dry. But then, for me, so is watching the Olympics!
July 8, 2012 at 1:58 pm
“Nana Wilson has been stripped of her gold medal after testing positive for DVR-ing Jeopardy and watching it at double speed.”
July 8, 2012 at 4:54 am
Driving with the elderly. First person to express any kind of “road rage” is eliminated. Can you tell I’m in Florida right now? And while we’re at it…I know we’re not supposed to text while driving, but what if NASCAR lovers were treated to watching people race in a circle but with a twist. They have to answer automated texts. Whoever crosses the finish line first having responded to the most texts wins. Unless he or she has died in a fiery ball of doom. Just suggestions.
July 8, 2012 at 7:46 am
Of course, the fiery explosions would give the others something to tweet about.
Why are you in Florida? Is it by choice?
July 8, 2012 at 6:09 am
I’ve always wondered why sock puppet making never made it to the Olympic arena. It’s such an unappreciated art! Of course, if making the sock puppets becomes a really close race, the sock puppets could always battle it out with each other when they’re finished…
July 8, 2012 at 7:40 am
Cold-climate nations might have an advantage, but it’d be worth it.
July 8, 2012 at 6:36 am
Great post, love the list of “primitive” events!
July 8, 2012 at 7:38 am
In addition to Mud Fighting, the real “primitive” events also included Rock Throwing and Greased Pole Climbing. Wouldn’t it be nice if that entire list had been made up?
July 8, 2012 at 6:47 am
Teenage eye rolling
July 8, 2012 at 7:39 am
They could be ranked based on how self-conscious they make the judges.
July 8, 2012 at 8:01 am
There you go. Or how stupid they make the judges feel.
July 8, 2012 at 7:41 am
Competitive Olympic event criticizing. Competitors would be judged on both harshness and fairness of their criticism.
July 8, 2012 at 2:00 pm
Bonus: watching the competitors trying to outrun the athletes who are coming to punch them out. It’d be like watching a chicken running away from a cheetah.
July 8, 2012 at 7:58 pm
Extra bonus: competitive mocking of the competitive criticizers running away from competitive athletes (or cheetahs, if available)
July 8, 2012 at 7:46 am
Jersey-Shoring: Whoever gets the most hookups with the least STD’s wins. Points are added for extra tan and subtracted for intelligence.
July 8, 2012 at 2:01 pm
“This guy just used the word ‘ancillary’ in a sentence! Disqualification! Disqualification!”
July 8, 2012 at 7:47 am
It’s time for Olympic-level driving. Competitors must face a relatively simple task; driving a car in rush-hour traffic. The task is made more challenging by adding degrees of difficulty including texting, doing sudoko puzzles, applying cosmetics, managing contact lenses, placating infants in the back seat, breaking up squabbles between older children in other seats, eating, finding a good song on the radio, and of course flipping off fellow competitors.
July 8, 2012 at 7:51 am
Sorry Renee – I didn’t read the other comments first – you’ve beaten me to it, I officially withdraw my suggestion.
July 8, 2012 at 7:55 am
The competitive eating world has long fought to be taken seriously. In order to give the sport more pizazz, the Olympic version would require chewing each, modest bite properly and maintaining good manners – not dribbling wing sauce down your chin and pinkies out!
July 8, 2012 at 2:04 pm
It IS taken seriously – isn’t that just unthinkable? I keep thinking “Yakety-Sax” should be playing in the background, and people are talking about its nuances and history and key-players like it’s the Israel/Palestine conflict.
July 8, 2012 at 2:09 pm
if you really think about it, any sport will seem absurd if you listen to enough experts talk about it for long enough. The big business of sports has insisted on giving non-stop play by play on every athletic endeavor. As I wrote in a recent post, we don’t need to hear commentary for every inch traveled of a 139 mile bike race.
July 8, 2012 at 8:22 am
How about hitting a ball with a stick into a three inch hole? Golf will be in the Olympics next time around… The sound you can hear is Achilles turning in his grave…
July 8, 2012 at 2:09 pm
Just the mental picture of that inspirational Olympic theme music blasting while some guy with a beer-gut putts is making me giggle and giggle.
July 8, 2012 at 8:26 am
Olympic Sarcastic Comebacks…Bronze level: Everyday encounters (the real challenge is not being maimed in the process); Silver level: Family members & co-workers (feelings & employment are at risk …this takes skill) Gold level: You must take on Fox news commentators one at a time until you reach the ultimate agitator..Rush and you will listen to him discuss Obamacare. (Your tongue is your only weapon..use it wisely). If you are conservative, you will face Jon Stewart (Good luck with that)
We make our own rules here right?
July 8, 2012 at 2:13 pm
“It’s looking good… OHHHH! That last crack about the manager’s lazy eye is going to cost him.”
July 28, 2013 at 3:55 pm
No. You can’t put up a professional comedian. You can use Al Sharpton or Michael Moore, take your pick.
July 8, 2012 at 9:50 am
Hands down… Margarita drinking on outdoor patios with obstacles. That is all.
July 8, 2012 at 2:16 pm
I’m ready, coach. Put me in.
July 8, 2012 at 11:14 am
I’m so clueless about the Olympics. Everything you write about could be true for all I know. I hope that doesn’t make me less patriotic. Because I don’t blow up firecrackers on the 4th either 😦
My proposed Olympics sport would be Name That Tune. I think it’d foster a lot of unity if we could all name that tune together (say, Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go) in four to five notes.
July 8, 2012 at 2:20 pm
Homeland Security’s on the phone for you.
Hey, you’re a pop culture aficionado of my approximate age-range. I assume you watched WKRP in Cincinnati. Do you remember the episode where Johnny Fever messes up the “Name these tunes” promo and says the prize is 1,000 dollars (instead of like 10), so they try to make an impregnable compilation?
July 8, 2012 at 2:27 pm
No! I wish I remembered that one because Name That Tune was one of my favorite game shows. All I remember from my time spent watching WKRP is the epic turkey drop episode and Loni Anderson’s hair.
But you had me intrigued so I had to look it up. I found this summary and knew right away that I missed a gem:
“…Unfortunately someone still wins. Herb convinces Carlson that it is the ‘dungaree’ generation sabotaging the ‘suits’ generation and pushes Carlson to the brink of firing Andy, Venus & Johnny. However, it is Johnny to the rescue when Les & Herb accidentally give the prize money to the wrong person.”
July 8, 2012 at 2:36 pm
Angie. Angie. Angie, Angie, Angie… you owe it to yourself to watch every episode of WKRP. You will be a happier, better person. Tomorrow is my birthday, and for my birthday I would like you to watch WKRP, and then we can blog about it.
July 8, 2012 at 2:52 pm
Is it streaming on Netflix? Please say yes. I’ll most definitely watch it, and yes we will blog about it. Although, maybe that’d be a bad thing if it were streaming. I have barely left the house since Netflix started streaming Leave It to Beaver.
I’m sure I didn’t understand much of the funny of WKRP as a kid. The only reason I loved Three’s Company was because Jack was always falling over himself.
July 8, 2012 at 3:09 pm
No, but it’s all on YouTube. If you’re not boycotting YouTube because of the “Interview w/myself” thing (I’m reading your post right now. I’m also late for something, though, so I’ll have to comment there later. I’m not snubbing.
July 8, 2012 at 4:09 pm
Unfortunately, my blog depends on YouTube clip references. If I were to boycott YouTube, I would’ve done it years ago after I watched that chimp pass out from smelling his own bottom.
July 8, 2012 at 6:44 pm
“Give it to me straight, doctor, I can take it!”
July 8, 2012 at 7:19 pm
“Oh, and one other thing… BOOGER!!!”
July 8, 2012 at 7:56 pm
Oh yeah! Haha!
July 8, 2012 at 12:09 pm
Put some backyard summer in your Olympics, folks!!! Individual events – combined for the new decathalon:
Olympic canonball into a backyard pool (most displaced H20 wins). (losing your trunks or bikini top – extra points).
Sychronized skinny-dipping.
Rhythmic rollerblading,
3 legged croquet.
Full contact badminton.
Hands-free ice cone eating.
Sunscreen squirting.
Grill utensil toss.
Hammock gymnastics.
Tag team Slip-n-slide.
Family reunion planners – no need to thank me.
July 8, 2012 at 2:21 pm
Hammock Gymnastics sounds like it’d have to be shown after 11 pm.
I’d watch Full Contact Badminton any time, though.
July 8, 2012 at 3:40 pm
Synchronized Synchronizing – A team of 4 all attempt to set their watches to the exact same in the shortest period of time. Usually this is followed by days of heated debate by the losing team on the accuracy of the officials timing.
Synchronized Synthesizing – A team of 4 all attempt to play the keyboard riff from Aha’s song Take On Me non-stop for the longest period of time in an endless loop without playing any off notes.
Synchronized Synergizing – A team of 4 all attempt to motivate themselves in a corporate environment by referring to their team’s performance with as many made up corporate terms as possible, eg Synergizing. If an actual real word is used the team is disqualified.
I think I should stop now … Good topic Byronic Man 🙂
July 8, 2012 at 6:48 pm
Ha ha on the Aha. The synchronized synthesizing is genius, Ape! Oh, and I have that song stuck in my head on an endless loop now.
July 8, 2012 at 7:23 pm
I sometimes sing to my dog, Bailey, to the tune of “Take On Me.” (“Baaaay-leee dooooog!”)
July 8, 2012 at 7:57 pm
You are killin’ me here, B-man…!
July 8, 2012 at 11:47 pm
I can just hear you and your dog doing the high pitch bit as a duet … “In a day or arooo!”
July 8, 2012 at 7:22 pm
If this is just warming up, I’ve got to see what else you’ve got.
July 8, 2012 at 11:57 pm
Synchronized Syndication – A team of one Ape attempts to convince a team of one Byronic to co-credit a post with Ape to cover up the fact that Ape has been too distracted commenting on Byronic’s blog to actually post anything himself 🙂
July 8, 2012 at 3:48 pm
Take Dance-a-thons and competitive freeze dancing and combine the two. It should be done to eighties pop music, in order to keep spirits high. And people are allowed to wear water backpacks to stay hydrated for the twelve hours of dancing ahead of them. After twelve hours, take whoever hasn’t given up and/or passed out, and see who can do the best Boy George interpretation.
Of course, the real win here is bragging rights.
July 8, 2012 at 7:24 pm
You know, I could see Dance Dance Revolution making it to the Olympics. I actually could. I wouldn’t support it, but I could see it.
July 8, 2012 at 4:48 pm
As it’s in London how about competitive running for London buses?
Who can stay upstairs on one of the open top buses the longest before catching hypothermia?
Oh, and there should definitely an event where each country competes to see who can squash the most amount of people into a tube carriage.
July 8, 2012 at 7:26 pm
That’s a good idea – events specific to the host city. Vancouver BC could have had competitive friendliness, that kind of thing.
July 8, 2012 at 8:01 pm
Did anyone say Flaming Bumper Cars? How about National Anthem Singing? Maybe both at the same time?
July 8, 2012 at 10:03 pm
i want underwater blogging…i just want it that’s it ..and no oxygen tank..one just has to dive in with their laptops and remain seated and blogging on the pool floor as long as they can…
July 9, 2012 at 6:18 am
Laptops plugged in for extra points?
July 9, 2012 at 6:51 am
lol yes yes
July 9, 2012 at 6:21 am
The suggestions are all pretty terrific. However, we have left out the younger generation who want to be Olympians, too. As well as the older folks.
For the Youngsters, I recommend alphabet burping — we Americans are a shoe-in for that one. Do you think it is even possible to burp the alphabet in Chinese? And how do you do those backwards letters in languages like Russian?
For the geezers, we can have them list medical complaints. First one to 100 wins.
July 9, 2012 at 8:49 am
I’m pulling for whatever event might involve the least amount of activity. Or effort. Whatsoever. Napping, maybe? Olympic napping? Speaking of which… I should probably get some practice in… I’d hate to pull a hammy.
July 12, 2012 at 11:28 am
Here’s my views on the London Olympics. Olympic blogging, yeah, Olympic reading yeah, the actual Olympics? waste of time money and effort. http://lettersfromnomansland.blogspot.co.uk/2012/05/carrying-torch-for-civilization-kiss-my.html
July 28, 2013 at 3:52 pm
I’d like to see BMX on Penny-Farthing bikes. That would be cool. Oh, and table soccer.