In France work has begun on a theme park, one believed to rival attendance at Disney Paris. When I first heard this, my immediate thought was, “People go to Disney Paris? I’d have thought I could have a barbecue in the back yard and rival attendance at Disney Paris.” I mean, they recently reported losses of nearly 2 billion euros. There have also been a number of strikes by employees there, but since this is France, that’s neither here nor there. I think at any given moment 50% of France is on strike against the other 50%.
A typical moment in a Tex Avery cartoon.
I don’t know what Disney Paris is like – probably pretty Disney-ish. Which is too bad. I like to think it got “Frenched up” a bit and is more like a combination of Cirque du Soleil and a Tex Avery cartoon. I’m still not sure why they opted to put the park in France, except that maybe it would stand out more against a backdrop of wine, fine art and ennui. But Disney is Disney, and they have charged on unabated. One Disney boss even famously said that “Only Napoleon had the stature to take on Mickey Mouse” in France. Well, Mickey, get ready for a pounding because why?
Because Napoleonland.
On my mark, we will charge the WaterlooSlide! Expect no mercy, and give none!
Yes. Work has begun on a massive theme park, at the site of Napoleon’s last great victory. And Napoleon will rise, march again, and slay Mickey and his puny minions! Figuratively. I don’t think there are plans to actually, physically invade the Disney park. But, still, the idea makes the mind reel, doesn’t it? Forced marches in to a simulated frozen Russian tundra, an Elba-theme restaurant where you’re isolated and fed stale food.
But the possibilities are endless, aren’t they? For theme parks, I mean. We make them for fantasy things all the time, but why not more theme parks based on real people? “Teddy Roosevelt Land” would by AWESOME.
So what do you think? For your Weekly Question of the Week: What theme park would you most like to see?
The Byronic Man 
April 15, 2012 at 3:24 am
Abbie Hoffman Land: A theme park where every day is an anti-war rally, you can buy anything made from the American flag and the staff all drop the “f” bomb on a regular basis while addressing visitors.
April 15, 2012 at 7:39 am
“Ticket please.”
“I don’t need a ticket, man! F*** you! These roller coasters aren’t just for the elite, bourgeois plutocrats, man! These are the PEOPLE’S roller coasters!”
“Fine. Thanks. Next. Ticket, please.”
“I don’t need a ticket, pig…!”
April 16, 2012 at 7:25 pm
LOL! OR having the visitors drop the “f” bomb on a regular basis while addressing the staff (Hey, Boss-man, where’s my F***king combat pay?).
April 15, 2012 at 3:56 am
This is an idea I haven’t fully thought through. But I was thinking about the movie Pleasantville and this came to mind… TV generational stereotype land- A theme park that represents the 50s, 60s, 70s, etc. in suburbia. You get costumes, CDs, records, cassettes or mp3s, and flashcards of typical dialogue from the era to use. It all eventually devolves into anarchy and people getting angry at each other, the set is trashed as generational differences come to a fore, but the set is rebuilt ready for the next day. Maybe it should just be called Angry Land.
April 15, 2012 at 1:20 pm
I would actually be interested in visiting this park. Maybe not for the anger, but it sounds exciting.
April 15, 2012 at 4:08 pm
While I was writing it I couldn’t help but think of all the music that was created that mocked or celebrated certain generations. E.g. My generation by the Who (obvious), We didn’t start the Fire by Billy Joel, Smells Like Teen Spirit by Nirvana… If I was in charge of a theme park like this, it would mostly be about the music.
April 15, 2012 at 4:04 am
I’ll weigh in with my proposal eventually, but first a comment on Napolean-Land. I would assume there will be placards with the standard horizontal line with a message which says “You must be zees short to ride zees ride”
I apologize, but someone had to say it
April 15, 2012 at 4:48 am
Best comment I’ve read all day. Maybe all week.
April 15, 2012 at 4:54 am
I used to try to write a blog which would bring amusement and enlighten the masses to my way of seeing the world, but lately I’ve decided to focus my energies on winning one of The Byronic Man’s contests. I’ve been in the running a couple of times, but so far its “always the bridesmaid..” for me.
April 15, 2012 at 5:30 am
As the current reigning champion, I can tell it is a life-changing event – this winning of the Question of the Week contest. It has been a whirlwind of, um, excitement. Yeah, that’s it. Excitement. Although be warned, there is no award ceremony and if, like me, you were planning on buying a new dress and shoes, well – let’s just say that my excitement at winning was tainted by just a smidge of disappointment at the lack of appropriate celebration of my brilliant victory.
April 15, 2012 at 5:47 am
I’ve already felt the sting of disappointment after buying a new dress for the Versatile Blogger Award which I won last week. It was a particularly difficult time for me, as I am 6’3″, well over 200 pounds and..well…male. Luckily I stopped the shopping process before buying a snazzy new pair of pumps. My damn feet are so big I can’t even find men’s shoes in my size, so I knew Jimmy Chu’s were going to take a real hunt.
In all seriousness, I am thrilled that I’ve been slowly able to find some very good writers and funny people on this site, and a few of them have apparently found me.
I hope i had the good sense to leave the tags on that dress.
April 15, 2012 at 7:45 am
The awards ceremony is kind of a zen thing. It exists in our minds. And it’s a total blast.
April 15, 2012 at 8:33 am
Yes, well, I figured that part out eventually. I wore a gold lame’ dress, the spikiest stilleto heels I could conjure up and the whole outfit screamed “GLITTERY OLD WOMAN IN SPIKY HEELS” I did not break an ankle, my acceptance speech was delivered perfectly (and with a delicate tear and a crack in my voice at the end) and I received a standing O. It was a perfect night.
April 15, 2012 at 7:32 pm
Damn, I meant to TIVO that.
April 15, 2012 at 4:55 am
Ooops! Forgot to say thank you. How can I expect to win with manners like those ?!
April 15, 2012 at 7:43 am
Someone definitely had to say it. Definitely.
April 15, 2012 at 4:27 am
In celebration of our fascination with celebrities, I propose Brangelina Land-Ville. Upon arriving at the gate, park goers are ushered in through a back gate and throngs of paparazzi. Each person is then issued a full, multi-colored orphan pack and several Au Pares to shepherd through the park all day. While trying to enjoy the park, customers are hounded by photographers, autograph seekers and Regis Philbin. What fun!!
Rides include:
“Oscar’s Wild Snub” where you get to dress up, applaud politely and then win nothing.
“The Hot Air Plume” where you tell people what they should think about things which you secretly don’t care about – like global warming, bullying and saving the whales.
“Gossip Rag of Terror” where you show up on the cover of a tabloid super-imposed with an ex-lover and then have to run the gamut of explaining it to your current lover while they chase you with a loaded gun.
April 15, 2012 at 4:54 am
1point, seems like you have given your theme park a lot of thought. I like it! I would visit and on opening day too.
If I may…
A suggestion for kiosks, how about a sunglasses booth with brands they have been photographed wearing?
Got to have a guess your weight booth and at least one tattoo parlor on sight as well.
April 15, 2012 at 4:57 am
This is picking up steam….Hey kids! Let’s put on a show! We’ll make a swell theme park!
Thanks Blue A. Glad you liked it.
April 15, 2012 at 5:54 am
Don’t forget the Baby Bump Booth, the Stupid Baby Name Booth, and Rehab Ride of Hell.
April 15, 2012 at 6:02 am
This thing is starting to look like a cartoon snowball heading down a steep slope…it’s getting bigger than the both of us, k8edid!
April 15, 2012 at 7:34 pm
Well, you had me at “multi-colored orphan pack”. I’ve ALWAYS wanted a multi-colored orphan pack.
April 15, 2012 at 7:54 am
This is a great idea. The “Spin” world could be a big hit – you do something loathsome and then have to spin it so it doesn’t hurt your image. Only it could involve actual spinning things.
April 15, 2012 at 8:01 am
I can see it now…”Sure it LOOKS like I vomited because of the Tilt-A-Whirl, but it’s actually sidewalk art!”
April 15, 2012 at 8:26 am
There has to be one of those tacky booths where you can “Pin the Oscar leg” on something (probably Angelina).
April 15, 2012 at 8:30 am
Does anyone else smell a wildly successful venture here? I’m heading to the bank first thing tomorrow. We’re all gonna be rich I tell ya!
April 15, 2012 at 12:19 pm
You already won–“Oscar’s Wild Snub” put me over the top…
April 15, 2012 at 5:39 am
I’m fresh outta ideas but whoa, I’d go to the Teddy Roosevelt land! That dude could kick some serious ass in his time. My fave president by far. Plus: teddy bears!
April 15, 2012 at 7:49 am
I know! Teddy bears everywhere!
There’s that story about him, and there was an emergency, and he was out in the middle of nowhere and had to get down a mountain, so drove his hose & carriage as fast as they would go in total darkness down a windy, mountain road, figuring he had to either get back or die trying – tell me that wouldn’t be a cool ride.
The getting shot mid-speech and then finishing the speech, not so much.
April 15, 2012 at 5:46 am
I lost a boatload of money on EuroDisney stock, many years back. I have an idea for a historic theme park that will draw millions and make all Native Americans rich: Turn North Dakota, which nobody uses anyway, into a vast Indian Theme Park, where people can hunt artificial buffalo, live in teepees, etc. and give part of the proceeds to the tribes. Of course, I haven’t dealt with the weather issue yet. Maybe make it all indoors.
April 15, 2012 at 7:52 am
Sorry for rubbing salt in the wound about EuroDisney.
April 15, 2012 at 6:05 am
Eleanor Roosevelt Land: You must have a least one strong Conviction to enter the gate. Once your inside you gain strength, courage and confidence by looking at your fears and doing something you thought you couldn’t do. When you leave, you are handed a piece of paper with instructions on your obligation to be an individual and directions on making a difference in this world. Love the Big El!
As far as Disney in Paris…that was like putting a Walmart on 5th Avenue..you just don’t.
April 15, 2012 at 7:50 am
And you’d get to run the park for a little while, but it’d have to be in secret.
April 15, 2012 at 7:10 am
I would like to see an Unsinkable Molly Brown Park complete with a replica of the Titanic that sinks once an hour.
April 15, 2012 at 7:52 am
A full-size replica of Titanic, I’d assume. They’d just sink the entire park each day.
April 15, 2012 at 8:24 am
Exactly!
April 15, 2012 at 7:53 am
Wow… I didn’t think it was possible for Disney to to lose that amount of money.
April 15, 2012 at 7:55 am
I think they got behind on their ritual sacrifices
April 15, 2012 at 12:20 pm
Hey, virgins are getting harder to find. Think they had to settle for some of them there Virgin 2.0s or whatever they’re called.
April 15, 2012 at 1:23 pm
“New To You” virgins.
April 15, 2012 at 2:38 pm
nice! “Still in original packaging” virgins.
April 15, 2012 at 8:24 am
I was going with a TV Land theme until I read Alison Armstrong’s bid. She has it worked out so I will just have to vote.
April 15, 2012 at 9:02 am
Thanks! This was a tough one to think of!
April 15, 2012 at 8:27 am
How about Vegas-Land in Las Vegas. Experience all of Las Vegas in one theme park. It would be drive-thru of course.
Very meta, no?
I wonder if they’ll have a casino in Napoleonland.
April 15, 2012 at 8:32 am
Then, if Vegas-Land is successful, maybe a town would sprout up around it. Vegaslandville.
April 15, 2012 at 10:48 am
A city around a theme park around a city around a theme park.
Brilliant.
April 16, 2012 at 8:23 am
Love, love, love!!
April 15, 2012 at 8:28 am
So, your description of Napoleonland totally reminds me of Fforde’s Sommeworld.
Erm, I should think it’s fairly obvious that I want a Dodisharkicorn theme park. I mean, I know they have them in Dodisharkitropolis, but one here on Earth? That would be amazing.
April 15, 2012 at 8:30 am
I would go to Ffordeworld. Even if that was just at his house. Especially if it was at his house.
April 15, 2012 at 8:35 am
Man, Ffordeworld was my second answer. I worry that it wouldn’t have enough of a draw, though. I’d love to be a member of Jurisfiction for a day! Battle Archeron Hades in Jane Eyre! Deal with the door-to-door Baconites! Attend a Rocky Horror-like performance of Richard III?!
Count me in!
April 15, 2012 at 1:24 pm
Ffordeworld wouldn’t have the biggest appeal, but the zealousness of its visitors could probably only be rivaled by a Whedon-World.
April 15, 2012 at 5:13 pm
Whedon-World would have to be an adults only theme park.
Did you ever re-read Shades of Grey?
April 15, 2012 at 7:20 pm
I LOVE Jasper Fforde! I would definitely go there! 😀
April 15, 2012 at 8:14 pm
I was talking to a friend of mine in England a while back who was saying that Fforde is actually much bigger in the US than England.
April 15, 2012 at 8:25 pm
Cool! I have very few friends that have read any of his stuff. 🙂
April 15, 2012 at 8:12 pm
Not yet. It’s next on my list.
April 15, 2012 at 8:25 pm
Woo! I hope my
peer pressurepositive influence leads you to enjoy it more the second time.April 15, 2012 at 8:47 am
Here’s my thought: Ronald Reagan Land… failing that, we buy up a bunch of Army surplus stuff and an enormous hunk of land and have ArmyLand. You can drive tanks around, rappel, jump from airplanes, shoot at stuff…
April 15, 2012 at 1:25 pm
They should try that at recruiting stations. “Come to ArmyLand! For 2 years!”
April 15, 2012 at 1:31 pm
They honestly sell it that way. Trust me. I know, bad idea. For some reason, my opinion was totally ignored.
April 15, 2012 at 8:16 pm
Remember when Top Gun came out? And the Navy put recruiting tables outside the theaters? How many guys came out “YEAH!! TOP GUUUUN!” and then 6 months later were scrubbing a battleship’s head in the north sea?
April 15, 2012 at 8:49 am
beatlesland. all the songs would have a different area, and my favourite would be the octopus garden 🙂
April 15, 2012 at 1:26 pm
That would probably fly, actually. You could have a Rolling Stones land across the street and people could argue about which one’s better.
April 15, 2012 at 8:57 am
1) Full nudity corn dog triathalon to the death park
2) Zombie cruise with continental breakfast and coffee, buffet breakfast, mimosas, brunch, lunch, wine, snacks, linner, more wine, appetizers, tequila, dinner, aperitifs, dessert, single cask whiskey, noches, late dinner, single malt scotch, early breakfast
3) Last to step in crap WINS doggie park
4) Epcot paint ball, Mickey must die festival
5) http://schlitterbahn.com/nb/ Apocalypse 2012 Now Park Only!
April 15, 2012 at 1:26 pm
I think #3 is every Dog Park.
April 15, 2012 at 1:42 pm
OK, how about one dootie is an actual vietnam landmine dog park!
April 15, 2012 at 10:45 am
My vote would be “RepublicanLand” complete with Debtors Prisons, all schools closed except Harvard and Stanford, children working 7 days a week in the factories for less than minimum wages, young girls selling paper flowers on street corners, their threadbare coats and lack of winter gloves a testament to their poverty, the only “trickle down” the occasional small coin tossed their way by a rich passerby.
And around the corner? Richie Rich land, where mansions are everywhere, each grander than the last, fronted by gold-plated, chauffeur driven limos, each longer than a city block. And Banker’s Row are not really banks as we used to know them. Now each is little more than a warehouse filled with piles of cash, a place where the rich come to play with their money, bulldozing it into larger piles, even as the roof slides open and the cash from ever-growing tax reductions and credits comes pouring in, like gifts from a Republican Congress.
But that’s just me…
April 15, 2012 at 1:29 pm
I always thought of Yale as more the Republican training grounds. Not that either one is the epicenter of the revolution…
April 15, 2012 at 1:32 pm
Yale is a great alternative. Likely better choice than Stanford. I included Stanford for think tanker Victor David Hansen, the spokesperson for the ultra-right alternative to Krugman.
April 15, 2012 at 8:18 pm
Not trying to nitpick – looking at my comment again, it looks like I’m being ridiculous. it’s a great idea regardless, I just got to thinking about the Yale v. Harvard thing after reading your comment…
April 16, 2012 at 6:57 am
Nah, you weren’t nit picking. Yale is a good alternative, and one that qualifies just from the Bushies alone.
April 15, 2012 at 11:10 am
If I understand this correctly this is the French celebrating a defeated general? Will they build the site at Waterloo? (oh no – that’s in Belgium).
To carry on the theme, let’s have a park dedicated to Mitt Romney. Romneyville? Might have to wait until November before you start, and have Obama-land in reserve…
April 15, 2012 at 1:28 pm
True, but up until that defeat, pretty impressive.
And Romneyville would be nice. It’d be such a simply, naive, wealthy version of the world.
April 15, 2012 at 11:46 am
Mickey with a Galouise pimping Minnie and Daisy. How could that lose to a meglomaniac’s theme park.? French are always trying to compensate by pushing their heroes, cooking and fashion sense on the rest of the world. What’s next DeGaulleville?
April 15, 2012 at 8:18 pm
I have to say, though – they can push their cooking on me any time.
April 15, 2012 at 12:30 pm
SantorumLand. This could be a 24/7 park: From sunrise to sundown, a land of Biblical knowledge, hot dogs, and frothy all-American ice-cream cones. Then, come dusk, it would transform into a kingdom of knowing in Blblical ways, tossed salads, and frothy all-Bavarian nice-queen foams.
April 15, 2012 at 12:33 pm
Oh, I forgot: For the SantorumLand a.m. version:
Tea Party welcome.
SantorumLand p.m. version:
Tea Baggers welcome.
April 15, 2012 at 1:30 pm
I loved that first year or so when they called themselves “Tea Baggers.” Finally someone must have done a google search. “Tea bagging is WHAT??”
April 15, 2012 at 2:39 pm
Yep! Guess they’ve not gotten around yet to goggling “santorum” (lower-case “s”).
April 15, 2012 at 3:25 pm
Ah, the French.
As long as there’s a roller coaster and some fried food on a stick, I’m good.
April 15, 2012 at 8:19 pm
If it’s in France, the food on a stick probably has some incredible sauce on it and is paired with an exquisite merlot.
April 15, 2012 at 8:24 pm
In that case, just hand me the merlot and we can call it a day.
April 15, 2012 at 3:41 pm
A Tim Burton theme park. I know. No explanation necessary.
Plus, Johnny Depp would be there, like, all the time. Handing out eyeliner, probably.
April 15, 2012 at 4:38 pm
Johnny Depp? you got my vote….
April 15, 2012 at 8:20 pm
Tim Burton may actually BE a theme park.
April 15, 2012 at 4:37 pm
Ok how bout “Vanity Fair” – the place is full of funhouse mirrors that make you look like you’re 20 lbs thinner, all the food is fabulous yet calorie free, every roller coaster leaves your hair perfect and designer clothing can be bought for the price of a t shirt or baseball cap !
April 15, 2012 at 8:21 pm
“Step right up! Land the ring on the 7Up bottle and win yerself a Vera Wang dress! Step right up!”
April 15, 2012 at 7:48 pm
I vote for Zombie Land – people would pay to go there, for sure. I wouldn’t, because I would be the first one to die, despite the fact that all the zombies are fake.
Actually, dying quickly is my master strategy for how I will handle the eventual zombie apocalypse. It’s a pretty good plan, and I’m fairly certain I can pull it off. I guess time will tell.
April 15, 2012 at 8:10 pm
It’s always good to have a plan!
April 16, 2012 at 8:22 am
All the above are funny, clever, and excellent ideas. But I’m holding my votes for “Ben & Jerry’s Amusement Park” … though ice cream and roller coasters may not bode well.
April 16, 2012 at 9:43 am
PulpFictionVille?
April 17, 2012 at 3:46 am
For real? Napoleon was my crush through middle school (mmmm Arman Asante in the miniseries)…
April 17, 2012 at 6:23 am
What schoolgirl wasn’t in love with him? I can just imagine you scrawling “Anastasia Bonaparte” on your pee-chee, hoping you stop growing…
April 17, 2012 at 9:54 am
fo sho
April 17, 2012 at 9:55 am
wow..pee-chee.. i asked my assistant if she knew what they were, the other day, and just got a blank stare. I loved coloring my basketball player. hehe
April 18, 2012 at 5:29 pm
Couldn’t resist. This was such a wonderful challenge, that I took it upon myself to expand your idea. Hope you enjoy.
https://mountainperspective.wordpress.com/wp-admin/post.php?post=855&action=edit&message=10