Come To ByronicLand!

April 15, 2012

Humor

In France work has begun on a theme park, one believed to rival attendance at Disney Paris.  When I first heard this, my immediate thought was, “People go to Disney Paris? I’d have thought I could have a barbecue in the back yard and rival attendance at Disney Paris.” I mean, they recently reported losses of nearly 2 billion euros.  There have also been a number of strikes by employees there, but since this is France, that’s neither here nor there.  I think at any given moment 50% of France is on strike against the other 50%.

A typical moment in a Tex Avery cartoon.

I don’t know what Disney Paris is like – probably pretty Disney-ish.  Which is too bad.  I like to think it got “Frenched up” a bit and is more like a combination of Cirque du Soleil and a Tex Avery cartoon.  I’m still not sure why they opted to put the park in France, except that maybe it would stand out more against a backdrop of wine, fine art and ennui.  But Disney is Disney, and they have charged on unabated.  One Disney boss even famously said that “Only Napoleon had the stature to take on Mickey Mouse” in France.  Well, Mickey, get ready for a pounding because why?

Because Napoleonland.

On my mark, we will charge the WaterlooSlide! Expect no mercy, and give none!

Yes.  Work has begun on a massive theme park, at the site of Napoleon’s last great victory.  And Napoleon will rise, march again, and slay Mickey and his puny minions!  Figuratively.  I don’t think there are plans to actually, physically invade the Disney park.  But, still, the idea makes the mind reel, doesn’t it?  Forced marches in to a simulated frozen Russian tundra, an Elba-theme restaurant where you’re isolated and fed stale food.

But the possibilities are endless, aren’t they?  For theme parks, I mean.  We make them for fantasy things all the time, but why not more theme parks based on real people?  “Teddy Roosevelt Land” would by AWESOME.

So what do you think? For your Weekly Question of the Week: What theme park would you most like to see?

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About The Byronic Man

Recently voted "The Best Humor Blog in America That I, Personally, Write," The Byronic Man is sometimes fiction, sometimes autobiography. And sometimes cultural criticism. Oh, and occasionally reviews. Okay, it's all those different things, but always humorous. Except on the occasions that it's not. Ah, geez. Look, it's a lot of things, okay? You might like it, is the point.

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98 Comments on “Come To ByronicLand!”

  1. Paul G. Eberlein Says:

    Abbie Hoffman Land: A theme park where every day is an anti-war rally, you can buy anything made from the American flag and the staff all drop the “f” bomb on a regular basis while addressing visitors.

    Reply

    • The Byronic Man Says:

      “Ticket please.”
      “I don’t need a ticket, man! F*** you! These roller coasters aren’t just for the elite, bourgeois plutocrats, man! These are the PEOPLE’S roller coasters!”
      “Fine. Thanks. Next. Ticket, please.”
      “I don’t need a ticket, pig…!”

      Reply

      • Paul G. Eberlein Says:

        LOL! OR having the visitors drop the “f” bomb on a regular basis while addressing the staff (Hey, Boss-man, where’s my F***king combat pay?).

        Reply

  2. Alison Armstrong Says:

    This is an idea I haven’t fully thought through. But I was thinking about the movie Pleasantville and this came to mind… TV generational stereotype land- A theme park that represents the 50s, 60s, 70s, etc. in suburbia. You get costumes, CDs, records, cassettes or mp3s, and flashcards of typical dialogue from the era to use. It all eventually devolves into anarchy and people getting angry at each other, the set is trashed as generational differences come to a fore, but the set is rebuilt ready for the next day. Maybe it should just be called Angry Land.

    Reply

    • The Byronic Man Says:

      I would actually be interested in visiting this park. Maybe not for the anger, but it sounds exciting.

      Reply

      • Alison Armstrong Says:

        While I was writing it I couldn’t help but think of all the music that was created that mocked or celebrated certain generations. E.g. My generation by the Who (obvious), We didn’t start the Fire by Billy Joel, Smells Like Teen Spirit by Nirvana… If I was in charge of a theme park like this, it would mostly be about the music.

        Reply

  3. 1pointperspective Says:

    I’ll weigh in with my proposal eventually, but first a comment on Napolean-Land. I would assume there will be placards with the standard horizontal line with a message which says “You must be zees short to ride zees ride”

    I apologize, but someone had to say it

    Reply

    • k8edid Says:

      Best comment I’ve read all day. Maybe all week.

      Reply

      • 1pointperspective Says:

        I used to try to write a blog which would bring amusement and enlighten the masses to my way of seeing the world, but lately I’ve decided to focus my energies on winning one of The Byronic Man’s contests. I’ve been in the running a couple of times, but so far its “always the bridesmaid..” for me.

        Reply

        • k8edid Says:

          As the current reigning champion, I can tell it is a life-changing event – this winning of the Question of the Week contest. It has been a whirlwind of, um, excitement. Yeah, that’s it. Excitement. Although be warned, there is no award ceremony and if, like me, you were planning on buying a new dress and shoes, well – let’s just say that my excitement at winning was tainted by just a smidge of disappointment at the lack of appropriate celebration of my brilliant victory.

          Reply

          • 1pointperspective Says:

            I’ve already felt the sting of disappointment after buying a new dress for the Versatile Blogger Award which I won last week. It was a particularly difficult time for me, as I am 6’3″, well over 200 pounds and..well…male. Luckily I stopped the shopping process before buying a snazzy new pair of pumps. My damn feet are so big I can’t even find men’s shoes in my size, so I knew Jimmy Chu’s were going to take a real hunt.

            In all seriousness, I am thrilled that I’ve been slowly able to find some very good writers and funny people on this site, and a few of them have apparently found me.

            I hope i had the good sense to leave the tags on that dress.

            Reply

          • The Byronic Man Says:

            The awards ceremony is kind of a zen thing. It exists in our minds. And it’s a total blast.

            Reply

            • k8edid Says:

              Yes, well, I figured that part out eventually. I wore a gold lame’ dress, the spikiest stilleto heels I could conjure up and the whole outfit screamed “GLITTERY OLD WOMAN IN SPIKY HEELS” I did not break an ankle, my acceptance speech was delivered perfectly (and with a delicate tear and a crack in my voice at the end) and I received a standing O. It was a perfect night.

              Reply

      • 1pointperspective Says:

        Ooops! Forgot to say thank you. How can I expect to win with manners like those ?!

        Reply

    • The Byronic Man Says:

      Someone definitely had to say it. Definitely.

      Reply

  4. 1pointperspective Says:

    In celebration of our fascination with celebrities, I propose Brangelina Land-Ville. Upon arriving at the gate, park goers are ushered in through a back gate and throngs of paparazzi. Each person is then issued a full, multi-colored orphan pack and several Au Pares to shepherd through the park all day. While trying to enjoy the park, customers are hounded by photographers, autograph seekers and Regis Philbin. What fun!!

    Rides include:
    “Oscar’s Wild Snub” where you get to dress up, applaud politely and then win nothing.
    “The Hot Air Plume” where you tell people what they should think about things which you secretly don’t care about – like global warming, bullying and saving the whales.
    “Gossip Rag of Terror” where you show up on the cover of a tabloid super-imposed with an ex-lover and then have to run the gamut of explaining it to your current lover while they chase you with a loaded gun.

    Reply

  5. She's a Maineiac Says:

    I’m fresh outta ideas but whoa, I’d go to the Teddy Roosevelt land! That dude could kick some serious ass in his time. My fave president by far. Plus: teddy bears!

    Reply

    • The Byronic Man Says:

      I know! Teddy bears everywhere!

      There’s that story about him, and there was an emergency, and he was out in the middle of nowhere and had to get down a mountain, so drove his hose & carriage as fast as they would go in total darkness down a windy, mountain road, figuring he had to either get back or die trying – tell me that wouldn’t be a cool ride.

      The getting shot mid-speech and then finishing the speech, not so much.

      Reply

  6. Life in the Boomer Lane Says:

    I lost a boatload of money on EuroDisney stock, many years back. I have an idea for a historic theme park that will draw millions and make all Native Americans rich: Turn North Dakota, which nobody uses anyway, into a vast Indian Theme Park, where people can hunt artificial buffalo, live in teepees, etc. and give part of the proceeds to the tribes. Of course, I haven’t dealt with the weather issue yet. Maybe make it all indoors.

    Reply

  7. Life With The Top Down Says:

    Eleanor Roosevelt Land: You must have a least one strong Conviction to enter the gate. Once your inside you gain strength, courage and confidence by looking at your fears and doing something you thought you couldn’t do. When you leave, you are handed a piece of paper with instructions on your obligation to be an individual and directions on making a difference in this world. Love the Big El!

    As far as Disney in Paris…that was like putting a Walmart on 5th Avenue..you just don’t.

    Reply

  8. susielindau Says:

    I would like to see an Unsinkable Molly Brown Park complete with a replica of the Titanic that sinks once an hour.

    Reply

  9. T.L. Ragland Says:

    Wow… I didn’t think it was possible for Disney to to lose that amount of money.

    Reply

  10. Michelle Gillies Says:

    I was going with a TV Land theme until I read Alison Armstrong’s bid. She has it worked out so I will just have to vote.

    Reply

  11. Jackie Cangro Says:

    How about Vegas-Land in Las Vegas. Experience all of Las Vegas in one theme park. It would be drive-thru of course.
    Very meta, no?

    I wonder if they’ll have a casino in Napoleonland.

    Reply

  12. sj Says:

    So, your description of Napoleonland totally reminds me of Fforde’s Sommeworld.

    Erm, I should think it’s fairly obvious that I want a Dodisharkicorn theme park. I mean, I know they have them in Dodisharkitropolis, but one here on Earth? That would be amazing.

    Reply

  13. BrainRants Says:

    Here’s my thought: Ronald Reagan Land… failing that, we buy up a bunch of Army surplus stuff and an enormous hunk of land and have ArmyLand. You can drive tanks around, rappel, jump from airplanes, shoot at stuff…

    Reply

  14. tinkerbelle86 Says:

    beatlesland. all the songs would have a different area, and my favourite would be the octopus garden 🙂

    Reply

  15. ghfool Says:

    1) Full nudity corn dog triathalon to the death park
    2) Zombie cruise with continental breakfast and coffee, buffet breakfast, mimosas, brunch, lunch, wine, snacks, linner, more wine, appetizers, tequila, dinner, aperitifs, dessert, single cask whiskey, noches, late dinner, single malt scotch, early breakfast
    3) Last to step in crap WINS doggie park
    4) Epcot paint ball, Mickey must die festival
    5) http://schlitterbahn.com/nb/ Apocalypse 2012 Now Park Only!

    Reply

  16. Barneysday Says:

    My vote would be “RepublicanLand” complete with Debtors Prisons, all schools closed except Harvard and Stanford, children working 7 days a week in the factories for less than minimum wages, young girls selling paper flowers on street corners, their threadbare coats and lack of winter gloves a testament to their poverty, the only “trickle down” the occasional small coin tossed their way by a rich passerby.

    And around the corner? Richie Rich land, where mansions are everywhere, each grander than the last, fronted by gold-plated, chauffeur driven limos, each longer than a city block. And Banker’s Row are not really banks as we used to know them. Now each is little more than a warehouse filled with piles of cash, a place where the rich come to play with their money, bulldozing it into larger piles, even as the roof slides open and the cash from ever-growing tax reductions and credits comes pouring in, like gifts from a Republican Congress.

    But that’s just me…

    Reply

    • The Byronic Man Says:

      I always thought of Yale as more the Republican training grounds. Not that either one is the epicenter of the revolution…

      Reply

      • Barneysday Says:

        Yale is a great alternative. Likely better choice than Stanford. I included Stanford for think tanker Victor David Hansen, the spokesperson for the ultra-right alternative to Krugman.

        Reply

        • The Byronic Man Says:

          Not trying to nitpick – looking at my comment again, it looks like I’m being ridiculous. it’s a great idea regardless, I just got to thinking about the Yale v. Harvard thing after reading your comment…

          Reply

          • Barneysday Says:

            Nah, you weren’t nit picking. Yale is a good alternative, and one that qualifies just from the Bushies alone.

            Reply

  17. every record tells a story Says:

    If I understand this correctly this is the French celebrating a defeated general? Will they build the site at Waterloo? (oh no – that’s in Belgium).
    To carry on the theme, let’s have a park dedicated to Mitt Romney. Romneyville? Might have to wait until November before you start, and have Obama-land in reserve…

    Reply

  18. tomwisk Says:

    Mickey with a Galouise pimping Minnie and Daisy. How could that lose to a meglomaniac’s theme park.? French are always trying to compensate by pushing their heroes, cooking and fashion sense on the rest of the world. What’s next DeGaulleville?

    Reply

  19. freddyflow Says:

    SantorumLand. This could be a 24/7 park: From sunrise to sundown, a land of Biblical knowledge, hot dogs, and frothy all-American ice-cream cones. Then, come dusk, it would transform into a kingdom of knowing in Blblical ways, tossed salads, and frothy all-Bavarian nice-queen foams.

    Reply

  20. alleybeth Says:

    Ah, the French.

    As long as there’s a roller coaster and some fried food on a stick, I’m good.

    Reply

  21. gojulesgo Says:

    A Tim Burton theme park. I know. No explanation necessary.

    Plus, Johnny Depp would be there, like, all the time. Handing out eyeliner, probably.

    Reply

  22. MJ, Nonstepmom Says:

    Ok how bout “Vanity Fair” – the place is full of funhouse mirrors that make you look like you’re 20 lbs thinner, all the food is fabulous yet calorie free, every roller coaster leaves your hair perfect and designer clothing can be bought for the price of a t shirt or baseball cap !

    Reply

  23. skippingstones Says:

    I vote for Zombie Land – people would pay to go there, for sure. I wouldn’t, because I would be the first one to die, despite the fact that all the zombies are fake.

    Actually, dying quickly is my master strategy for how I will handle the eventual zombie apocalypse. It’s a pretty good plan, and I’m fairly certain I can pull it off. I guess time will tell.

    Reply

  24. Lenore Diane Says:

    All the above are funny, clever, and excellent ideas. But I’m holding my votes for “Ben & Jerry’s Amusement Park” … though ice cream and roller coasters may not bode well.

    Reply

  25. k8edid Says:

    PulpFictionVille?

    Reply

  26. Anastasia Says:

    For real? Napoleon was my crush through middle school (mmmm Arman Asante in the miniseries)…

    Reply

  27. Barneysday Says:

    Couldn’t resist. This was such a wonderful challenge, that I took it upon myself to expand your idea. Hope you enjoy.

    https://mountainperspective.wordpress.com/wp-admin/post.php?post=855&action=edit&message=10

    Reply

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  2. Update: I’m An Idiot | The Byronic Man - April 27, 2012

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