Happitame! For temporary relief of minor symptoms associate with colds and allergies. No more sneezing; watery, itchy eyes; or runny nose. Enjoy life again: with Happitame!
Allergies will be the least of your worries: with Happitame!
Dosage: Adults: Take 1 pill twice a day for relief from allergy symptoms. Do not exceed 2 pills in a single day. Also, do not take fewer than 2 pills a day. If you should be unable to take a second pill 12 hours after the first (exactly 12 hours), induce vomiting and consult a physician immediately, after which you should induce vomiting again. Children under 12 should not take Happitame. Children whose frontal lobes are still developing should also avoid Happitame; therefore, ascertain your child’s abilities to comprehend long-term consequences before giving him or her Happitame.
Storage: Happitame should be kept in a cool, dry, dark place. Happitame should be kept out of reach of children, the elderly, and the insane. Happitame should not be stored within 3 feet of fresh produce.
Warnings: Women who are pregnant or nursing should not take Happitame . Women who have been pregnant in the past or hope to be pregnant at some time in the future should also not take Happitame.
People of Greek descent should avoid taking Happitame. The boys in the lab are still working on what’s going on there, exactly.
People prone to psychotic breaks should not mix Happitame with alcohol.
Side Effects May Include:
Oh man, do NOT operate one of these if you’re taking Happitame. Ha ha. We could tell you stories…
Do not operate heavy machinery while taking Happitame. Also do not operate light machinery. You know what? Best just leave machinery of any kind alone.
Swollen hands and feet may occur.
For some reason people taking Happitame lose the ability to say the word “spatula.” Go figure.
In rare instances, people taking Happitame have experienced “exploding eyeball syndrome.” Should one or more of your eyeballs explode, stop taking Happitame immediately.
Light drooling may occur as a by-product of the substantial amounts of saliva produced by the body while taking Happitame. If possible, avoid swallowing this saliva.
Doctors do not recommend making pancakes while taking Happitame.
Very sudden, extreme drowsiness may occur. Death-like stillness has been known to last up to 4 hours. Should death-aping symptoms persist for more than 5 hours, consult a physician.
Thanks to Happitame’s patented “no-sneez” formula, while taking Happitame it is physically impossible to sneeze, even in pretend. Because of this, while taking Happitame it is recommended that you avoid areas where air-borne pathogens are more likely, such as hospitals, schools, grocery stores, churches, movie theaters, airplanes (seriously – don’t get on a plane while taking Happitame), or any place where more than 7 people gather for an extended period.
People with blood type AB+ may experience vertigo while taking Happitame, and for up to 6 months afterward.
In a small percentage of cases (less than 1%), people have experienced a light tickling sensation in the back of the throat. This symptom, in and of itself, is nothing to be alarmed about. If, however, you should experience the light tickling sensation, doctors recommend immediately committing suicide to avoid what comes next.
Occasionally, people taking Happitame experience flu-like symptoms.
Don’t let allergies control your life! Isn’t it time for Happitame?
The Byronic Man 
April 16, 2012 at 3:13 am
Could you hand me that spath-ya-lou? Finally – an allegy medicine that really works. Who care about the side effect.
April 16, 2012 at 6:20 am
That’s the spirit!
April 16, 2012 at 3:45 am
It’s best to read the Happitame piece in a quick, quiet voice, preferably in under 30 seconds for the whole thing. Accompany the words with images of people gardening and playing frisbee in fields of goldenrod.
I’m a big fan. The death-like symptoms only lasted 2 1/2 hours and I woke up up feeling refreshed, albeit with a slight tickling sensation in the back of my throat.
April 16, 2012 at 6:19 am
I actually thought about making it a video, but then the death-like laziness kicked in.
April 16, 2012 at 4:09 am
😆 omg is it not for women who have had or want to have kids..why not mister..i ask you why can’t we have kids and not be able to say spatula both..we have rights too !
April 16, 2012 at 6:18 am
Women’s struggles are never ending, aren’t they?
April 16, 2012 at 4:30 am
Rare incidents of skin sloughing have been reported. In clinical trials, 12 adult males reported an 80% loss of skin, making their muscles less taut than they were. Should your skin fall off, scotch or paper surgical tape can hold the old stuff in place until new skin grows back. You will, however, frighten children.
April 16, 2012 at 6:17 am
Should children become frightened, a quick dose of Happitame should calm them down.
April 16, 2012 at 5:18 am
I am soooo mad at you right now – I was working on this same idea ! You of course beat me to it because you A) my sinus med actually does cause “death like stillness for up to four hours ” so it makes it kinda hard to put to coherent (& humorous) thoughts together and B) you are the master, after all. Well done !!!
April 16, 2012 at 6:16 am
Well, I’m not the first, I’m sure. By all means go ahead, and I promise not to leave “Oh, pff, real original idea” comments.
April 16, 2012 at 6:36 am
…..you are most gracious……I was thinking maybe I’ll go ahead & post what I have, pretend I fell asleep & defer to your post !
April 16, 2012 at 5:28 am
doctors recommend immediately committing suicide to avoid what comes next.
Ahhahahaha! Byronic, you kill me. Y’know, you should seriously consider becoming a stand up comedian.
April 16, 2012 at 6:17 am
What are these “comedians who stand up” of which you speak?
April 16, 2012 at 6:19 am
I would be one, but I’m much too lazy.
April 16, 2012 at 1:38 pm
Um, I’m probably killing your joke here… but you know that’s what I used to do for a living, right?
April 16, 2012 at 2:16 pm
Yeah, I did. Don’t worry about killing my joke, it was pretty much DOA. Another reason I should never be a stand-up comedian.
April 16, 2012 at 2:22 pm
Darla, what did you do?
I currently study side effects of drugs. Like, you know, when someone’s skin falls off …
April 16, 2012 at 2:30 pm
What did I do? Oh, I just tried to leave a little ‘wink, wink, nudge, nudge’ comment for the B-man that fell flat. sigh. It’s hard coming up with clever comments on this blog, too much pressure. The guy was a stand-up comedian for god’s sake.
And now I’m feeling this odd light tickling sensation in the back of my throat. What does this mean, Elyse?? B-man? Please tell me one or more of my eyeballs aren’t going to explode because I need all three so I can blog.
April 16, 2012 at 2:42 pm
I may go in and delete all these in order to return your joke to its deserved simple majesty, because you made a very clever joke and I ruined it for you by saying “Hey! That’s what I was!” I’m a bad host.
April 16, 2012 at 2:52 pm
Oh, no! Not at all. And here I was silently thinking…wow, maybe I shouldn’t have made a lame joke about his stand-up days…maybe he thinks I’m a real jerk now…whew!
April 16, 2012 at 6:25 pm
I work as a pseudo scientist. I learned today, by scientific methods, that one cannot try to work and follow a line of humorous blog comments.
At least not if you want to look like a person smart enough to spell “sceientist” correctly.
April 16, 2012 at 6:47 am
I think you forgot the “may cause both constipation and explosive diarrhea.”
April 16, 2012 at 1:37 pm
It’s there – “Swelling of hands and feet” is a metaphor.
April 16, 2012 at 7:54 am
Had a drug perscribed. It had side effects. Got a pill to take care of the side effects but it had side effects. Been away from it nigh on twenty years and still have the side effects. And so it goes.
April 16, 2012 at 8:47 am
I had a friend who was prescribed something and got severe vertigo. “Oh, yeah. That’s a side effect.” No advance warning.
April 16, 2012 at 8:07 am
I’m off to talk to my doctor. Side effects, schmide effects!
April 16, 2012 at 8:44 am
EXACTLY. There’s sure to be other, more powerful medications to deal with the side effects. And the side effects of those.
April 16, 2012 at 8:17 am
Have you seen: http://havidol.com/?
My husband and I laugh until we cry whenever we see the commercial for the low-testosterone underarm cream. All the side effects tied to the drug…. oh my stars!!
This was funny, Byronic. Hilariously sad and funny!
April 16, 2012 at 8:43 am
Is that real? “Have it all” sounds like a parody name. It’s more over the top than “Happitame.”
April 16, 2012 at 8:53 am
It is a parody. A brilliant parody. (like yours)
April 16, 2012 at 8:54 am
Oh but wait – Havidol and the testosterone cream are two different things. The testosterone is real. And THAT is what drives my husband and I to tears with laughter.
April 16, 2012 at 10:37 am
I need to know how this interacts with Fuckitol.
April 16, 2012 at 1:35 pm
My prescription for fuckitol is in need of refilling. Thanks for reminding me.
April 16, 2012 at 10:54 am
I don’t know how you do it. Every post of yours there is a point at which I BURST out laughing. Can you guess what it was this time?
“Exploding eyeball syndrome.”
Thank god I don’t have seasonal allergies. I could never give up the booze.
April 16, 2012 at 1:34 pm
Allergies suck.
And thanks. I was pleased with that line, myself. Shhh, don’t tell.
April 16, 2012 at 11:02 am
I and my colleagues at the law firm of Dewey, Cheetem and Howe would like to talk to any of your readers who have experienced any of these side effects from Happitame (especially flapjack related incidents). No obligation, no cost, just a friendly little chat (insert menacing Jaws music here).
April 16, 2012 at 1:34 pm
I wonder if you owned a pharmaceutical and a law firm if you could sell a bad medication, then sue yourself and make more money. Hmmmm… note to self…
April 16, 2012 at 2:59 pm
Let me guess – you used to own a pharmaceutical and a law firm? (I don’t want to seem insensitive and earn a Darlaesque smack-down.)
April 17, 2012 at 6:34 am
I KNOW, I KNOW, I KNOW. My question to Darla was dumb and badly worded and now I feel dumb and it’s plaguing me.
And no, no pharmaceutical companies or major law firms for me.
April 16, 2012 at 11:34 am
If you already have severe vertigo, does taking Hapitame cure it? I need to know, seasonal allergies & vertigo – this time of year I might as well pack up the sidewalk.
April 16, 2012 at 1:33 pm
It does cure vertigo, but gives you severe ear, nose and scalp bleeding.
April 16, 2012 at 4:14 pm
Soooooo, next time you’re in Edmonton, look for the big hunk of missing sidewalk & stop on by – that’ll be where I live!
April 16, 2012 at 9:04 pm
Excellent; it’s a plan. Next time I do my Wayne Gretzky pilgrimage.
(I’m all talk. “Gretzky played for the Oilers” and “Bobby Orr is a common answer in crossword puzzles” is the sum total of my hockey knowledge.)
April 17, 2012 at 12:17 am
Wayne Gretzky wore #99 & is a big hero here, there is even a street named after him. There is also a street named after Mark Messier. After Edmonton, Gretzky played for the L.A. Kings for a while then some eastern team, like New York or Pittsburgh or something. I don’t follow hockey either, but when you live in the “City of Champions” you can’t help but pick up a few tips.
April 17, 2012 at 6:21 am
We have some family friends from Edmonton and we visited them there a couple times when Gretzky was there, so that’s how that got imprinted on me.
April 16, 2012 at 2:20 pm
With the exploding eyeball syndrome, does it explode out of the eye socket or into the brain? This is a very important distinction that should be clarified.
April 17, 2012 at 6:35 am
If the eyeball explodes into the brain, this is a sign of more serious issues, and you should definitely see a doctor.
April 16, 2012 at 2:38 pm
Uh, WORTH IT!
April 17, 2012 at 6:36 am
To not have a runny nose? Totally.
April 16, 2012 at 4:42 pm
Every time I hear a commercial with those scary side effects I just think..well, I guess I’ll just die then. My allergies are SO BAD right now I am very close to taking a big fat dose of Happitame and calling it a day!
April 17, 2012 at 6:37 am
Between pollen and shedding season, it’s a rough spell, that’s for sure. And I keep telling my body, “NOTHING’S WRONG. We’re not under attack, it’s just pollen! We don’t care about pollen!”
April 16, 2012 at 9:34 pm
Hey! This stuff really worrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrhjgfs;kjh;fpghfsd;jhg;shsgfdsfffffffkf
April 17, 2012 at 6:38 am
You know, there’s a medication for that. Side effects are a little intense, though.
April 17, 2012 at 8:30 am
Really? A side effects medicine for the side effects? Intriguing. ;digh dfs;ghfd;
April 19, 2012 at 7:05 am
The scary part is, when I ask my doctor what the side effects are and tell him that I’m very concerned about them, he looks at me like I’m a nutcase. Who wouldn’t be scared of seizures, stroke, or gas with an oily discharge? Yes, that one is real, years ago. I can’t remember the commercial because I went into hysterics when I heard it. How can gas with an oily discharge be better than anything one is going through?
June 15, 2012 at 7:31 pm
Great spoof. Everytime I read side effect warnings for perscriptions, I decide the medicines aren’t worth it.
June 15, 2012 at 8:53 pm
I don’t know how many people I know who’ve had to get more medications to help deal with the first.
June 20, 2012 at 9:22 am
New to wordpress, and I just found this page, and I laughed in my cubical at work, with everyline. Thank you for making lunch so much better.
June 20, 2012 at 5:17 pm
I’d say I hope you didn’t spit any food out, but that’d be a lie. Making people spit out food & drink is one of life’s great joys.
June 25, 2012 at 5:15 pm
Byronic Man, once again you stole the post right outta my head!