People get kind of silly around babies and pets, don’t they? Babies? Fine. All bets are off. It’s like some biological imperative to let the baby know we’re not a threat by acting ridiculous. Pets, though, people fall in to two rigid camps: ‘Getting Cutesy With Your Pets is Idiotic’ and “Mr. Barkington doesn’t see anything wrong with being cute with pets, does he? No, he doesn’t! No, he doesn’t!”
Then... there are the extremes...
For example, of course, there is “talking for the animal,” which I suspect is pretty common. You know, you say to my beagle, Clancy, “Do you want to go jogging?” Then, while he sits there wagging excitedly, you respond in your patented ‘Clancy Voice,’ “Yeah! Yes I do! Let’s go jogging! I am a jog-gin’ dog!”
Hypothetically, of course. I would never engage in such silliness. I generally address my pets with a curt nod.
Some people – people far less rugged and masculine than I am – might even make up little theme songs for a pet. Take my cat, Sammy, for example. Someone could conceivably make a little song that goes:
Sammy cat, Sammy caaaaaat. He’s pretty cute, but pretty faaaaat. He’s Sammy caaaaaaaaaaaat!
If you can imagine…
The one I will admit to being guilty of, though, is the nickname. Our pets have a crap ton of nicknames. The aforementioned Clancy, for example. He’s so used to his many nicknames that if he ever got lost I’d have to put up a poster that read:
Have You Seen Clancy?
35 pounds, beagle, male.
Attributes: very friendly; likes all foods except dog food; probably will be found laying on something soft.
What can I say? I'm a dog of many dimensions.
Also answers to:
Pupster
Flashclance
Beagle Pot Pie
Clancypants
The Pants
Clanciford de los Pantalones
Puppsy-Daisy
Pupsicle
Dog-billed Clancypus
Beagle Rocket
Honky-Tonk Beagle (Ideally sung to the tune of “Honky-Tonk Women”)
Reward if found: I will write a jingle about you and/or your pets.
What about you? Which camp on the cute/non-cute issue are you in? No, which side are you really on? What nicknames do you come up with?
The Byronic Man 
March 27, 2012 at 8:43 am
Dogbilled Clancypuss FTW!
I “speak” for Bobby because I hear him…in my HEAD! It’s a Doolittle thing. I’m talented; he’s just a dog.
March 27, 2012 at 2:25 pm
Although he could be thinking about what you’re saying in his language. “Now she’s saying ‘Whimper.'”
March 27, 2012 at 8:47 am
So you’re saying you do sing that to your cat? So if I confess that I may possibly have a song for mine that I am not gonna look foolish?
March 27, 2012 at 2:26 pm
Well, I think the ship has sailed on not looking foolish, but at least there’s nice people on board.
March 27, 2012 at 8:50 am
Definitely not a cutesy type of person. But creative. If I don’t call Princess by her name, I call her “girl.” 🙂 I talk to her but not for her. But I don’t talk to my female cat; she’s a prima donna and has no time for me.
March 27, 2012 at 2:27 pm
Talking to a cat is certainly no guarantee that they’d deign to listen.
March 27, 2012 at 2:41 pm
“Deign.” Haven’t seen that word in some time. Good choice.
March 27, 2012 at 8:53 am
My boyfriend’s roommate has a dog called Annie, who I call “Annifred.” Not completely sure why. I also like to hold her little face and sing her a song in an operatic voice that goes, “Youuuu are the loooove of my life!” Even though she’s not really. The boyfriend doesn’t really like that because I tend to sing that very same song to him when I’m feeling rather affectionate.
And I only just now thought about what his roommate might think of me proclaiming my love to the dog. Hmm…
March 27, 2012 at 2:28 pm
Probably good for the boyfriend. Keep his ego in check. Next time you’re at a restaurant sing it to the waiter if he brings you extra bread or something.
March 27, 2012 at 9:02 am
I love the name Clancy! The only other time I’ve seen it used is on my daughter’s birth certificate. No lie. 🙂
March 27, 2012 at 2:28 pm
Well, it is clearly a mark of the highest quality!
March 27, 2012 at 9:10 am
Hilarious. And guilty as charged. Until recently, we had two dogs (our 11 year old girl passed away recently). They had political opinions, catch phrases, regional dialects and, yes, a crap-ton of nicknames (Esti: Esti-esterpants, Pucci, Puplestiltskin, Fluffybutt… and our Margot: Go-go, Gobbles, Gobbeldigook…).
Not, of course, that you would ever do something so silly. 😉
Cheers!
March 27, 2012 at 2:29 pm
I hadn’t considered their political leanings. Though I suspect they’d be pretty adamant on their Constitutional right to ham products.
And “puplestiltskin” is fantastic.
March 27, 2012 at 9:14 am
Let’s see. Shelby is called Pupster, Shelbers, ShellBell, She Bangs (don’t ask), Lumpy Butt, Sweet Puppy (all 95 pounds of her), Dog Breath, Prettiest Puppy in the Whole Wide World (spoken in the voice usually reserved for especially cute babies) and, occasionally by her Native American name Barks at Butterflies. Oh, and when she has captured another wild animal foolish enough to enter the yard, Killer.
March 27, 2012 at 2:31 pm
Ooh, I hadn’t even considere the “Native American Name” possibilities… that may end up as a question of the week at some point (With all due credit, of course).
March 27, 2012 at 2:41 pm
Always glad to help…
March 27, 2012 at 9:20 am
My Beagle Chester also answers to Pop,Popsicle, Pudding Pop, Chess, Woo Woo Wa Wa, Sicle, Sicle Sox and Sickle Cell Anemia (no explanation other than insanity). These aren’t really “cute” as much as they are creative adaptations….yea, that’s it.
Loved this post!!
March 27, 2012 at 2:32 pm
How these names come to be is always a grand, epic story. I can see the evolution (pop…sicle…cell…)
March 27, 2012 at 10:07 am
hee hee heeeee I love this post like I love champagne. it’s like I’m in my own house! Whlie Uncle Jesse really DOES answer to “Uncle Jesse”, he is also known as: Tio (or Tio Jesse, pronounced Tio Yesse), This Man, Jesse Boy or J Boy, Stavros (Uncle Jesse’s evil twin from “Full House”; this one for when he’s acting up)…
I’ve also written him a tune called “Big Ideas in a Tiny Head.”
March 27, 2012 at 2:34 pm
I think if Clancy had a theme song it’d be something like “How Can You Not Give Me Some Of That Sandwich (When I’m Clearly So Adorable)?”
March 27, 2012 at 10:10 am
Ha – totally knew you were a sucker for the pets !
My golden retriever, the love of my life, named Chase (cuz thats what he did…) answered to :
Chaser, Sir Chase-Alot, ChaserDoodle, Doodlebug, PuppyWuppy ,Snugglepuppy, and Mr. Snuffles. My cat, no. She doesnt even acknowledge her own name…..she only wishes to sit on a lap & be adored.
I’m loving Clancypants….couldnt say why.
March 27, 2012 at 12:47 pm
“Clancypants” is the main one, as you can see by the nicknames of the nickname. And I think there’s only a minority of cats interested in any name but that which they’ve chosen for themselves. Something like ME, or EVERYTHING.
March 27, 2012 at 2:25 pm
Mine has had an attitude for years…I only referred to her as “Fuzzybutt” ONCE.
March 27, 2012 at 10:12 am
The first cat we had when we got married was named The Lord (after the man who ruled the galaxy’s cat), but he only answered to a clicking noise. He would come running when you clicked. Also, because he was a boy cat, our oldest called him Dada Kitty.
Those are it. I’m not a nickname kind of person.
March 27, 2012 at 12:45 pm
I don’t think anyone sets out to be a nickname person. You just suddenly discover one day that you are, and there’s no going back. No my wife and I have ongoing debates over who came up with the best ones. I did, by the way. All of them. Shhhhh.
March 27, 2012 at 10:15 am
I definitely talk ‘to’…but I avoid talking ‘for’, unless I’m having a conversation with someone in which we’re guessing what the dog might be thinking. At which point, ‘he’ kind of sounds like Eeyore. My lost dog sign would probably read, “Gwynn – also answers to your dog’s name if you have ever come into contact with dog treats, or have ever put your hand in your coat pocket” He also answers to Boo Boo, Handsome, good boy, fluffmonster and ‘sit’
March 27, 2012 at 12:44 pm
My dogs “voices” tend to have stuffed-up noses, for some unfathomable reason.
March 27, 2012 at 10:37 am
Once upon a time a neighbor had a beagle. It was a rock star during puppyhood, but sadly when he approached adulthood he lost the sparkle of youth and spent too much time at the food bowl and being coddled by his owner. After a while his belly nearly reached the ground along with his man parts. He was the laughingstock of all the pets in the neighborhood. He would spend his days sitting on the front porch with his genitalia hanging over the step and his belly causing him to lean toward the left. He disappeared one day. Some said he was brought to the vet and put to sleep. I believe he waddled off into the woods and became a respected elder in a pack of semi-wild pet rejects.
March 27, 2012 at 12:43 pm
Beagles are notoriously overweight, because they just eat and eat. I have a very weird beagle, because he’s unbelievably finicky about dog food, and loves to go jogging.
March 27, 2012 at 11:10 am
I can’t believe someone would do that to their cat, what you show in your picture. C’mon people, let’s show some dignity. It’s a CAT, not a toy, for goodness sake!
Now that dog…can I get a print of that?
March 27, 2012 at 12:42 pm
Clancy is very, very photogenic. You should see him break out the “I’m a saaaaad little beagle” face.
March 27, 2012 at 12:47 pm
Get out. You mean that wasn’t his sad face? Was he just being pensive there? He must have you wrapped around his little claw.
March 27, 2012 at 2:25 pm
It’s a little more down-turned to do the full-on sad face. And yes, he has our number.
March 28, 2012 at 8:09 am
I bet he gets whatever he wants with that little face.
Hey, I sent you an email yesterday – check your inbox, ok?
March 28, 2012 at 1:20 am
I liked *deign*, but I also appreciated *pensive*. I only have three non-name names for me female cat. I guess I’m just not as creative as this crowd.
March 27, 2012 at 12:54 pm
Let’s see…pet names. Cujo-baby (cat, not a rabid dog), Mr. Bigg, Cashius Clay, Lint, Fluffy-lint, Conan O’ Brien, Mr. Furley…
March 27, 2012 at 2:24 pm
Mr. Furley? Are your trying to fool your cat about the nature of your living situation with hilarious consequences?
March 28, 2012 at 4:04 am
haha!
March 27, 2012 at 1:16 pm
I suspect that Sammy Cat song is sung to the tune of “Smelly Cat.”
I normally address my cat(s) as: F**k, f**ker, s**thead, s**tfactory and go away.
March 27, 2012 at 2:23 pm
Those are my special “I’m trying to carry groceries down the hall” and “It’s the middle of the night, for God’s sake” names for them.
March 27, 2012 at 2:36 pm
I love Clancey-pants! So funny! My dog has a boat load of names too. I just realized that she only comes to her name and not the word “come.” Oops~!
March 28, 2012 at 8:01 am
My dogs have been carefully trained to only come after I’ve said it 8 times, then gotten mad and yelled, “God damn it, get over here!” and then stomped over to where they are and physically moved them. It took a long time, but it was worth all the training.
March 27, 2012 at 3:02 pm
Is it weird that I don’t even have a dog and I already know what I want to name and nickname it? I have a cat. I’m pretty strict about not being the mommy and the cat not being the baby or the child. I mean… single woman, with cat? doesn’t look good if there’s a lot of extra love there. I do talk to her, but usually only in the sense of greeting her, asking her if she’s hungry, making her get off stuff, telling her to stop her infernal caterwauling, and telling her it’s time for bed. Which she tends to already know. As for nicknames… her name is Lexi, and her nicknames are Lex, LexiCat, LexiGirl, Girly, GirlyGirl, PsychoKitty, CrazyCat, Miss Thang, Goof and, lately, when she’s really irritating me, Alexandra. Which is not her full name. Her full name is just Lexi.
March 28, 2012 at 8:02 am
That’s actually where I do draw a clear line. I know people are just being funny, but referring to us as their “parents” just totally rubs me the wrong way.
March 27, 2012 at 4:21 pm
Kudos to you sir on the use of the phrase “crap ton” ! While I have entirely too much respect for you as a blogger extraordinaire to re-use it in anything which I write here, I do plan on employing the phrase in my day to day conversations as soon as possible. Enjoyed the piece immensely.
March 28, 2012 at 8:05 am
I’d recommend the phrase “Crap ton (copyright 2012, Byronic Man)”. So, you could be in Costco, or something, and see a 96-pack of Saltines and say, “Wow, that is a crap-ton (copyright 2012, Byronic Man) of crackers!”
See? It just rolls off the tongue.
March 27, 2012 at 4:32 pm
I hope that cat and dog eventually ripped out the jugular of whoever dressed them that way.
March 28, 2012 at 9:50 am
That’d be okay. Preferably while salsa music played in the background.
March 27, 2012 at 4:40 pm
We tried a dog. Epic fail. I respect. People love their pets. I get it. But I don’t want one. And I wish my neighbor’s dog would shut up. Seriously. No one’s dog is cute at 6 am. Ever.
March 28, 2012 at 9:51 am
One of my favorite poem’s is Billy Collin’s “Another Reason I Don’t Keep A Gun In The House” about the neighbor’s dog who won’t stop barking.
March 27, 2012 at 8:15 pm
How funny, I just wrote a post about my Beagle today! I love the nicknames you listed, very creative. I just got my dog 2 weeks ago. My main goal is to stop calling her by the wrong name and then I’ll come up with some nicknames after that.
March 27, 2012 at 11:41 pm
Reblogged this on freddyflow and commented:
My pet, my self…
March 28, 2012 at 7:40 am
My family has always had an odd tendency of giving long, bizarrely formal nicknames to our pets. We had a staffy we named Eric, which somehow became Theodore Brunswick, and spunky, our toy fox terrier became Alvin Cockerspoons.
March 28, 2012 at 7:54 am
“I generally address my pets with a curt nod.” ~ I stare at mine in the face and don’t say a word until they are too uncomfortable to keep looking at me, and then they walk away in utter confusion. I find that this lets them know how much I really love them.
Also, I had a cat named Samson whom I also dubbed as Sammy Cat. I don’t know why those words flow together so well, but they do.
As for my dog, Alf, I called him:
– Alf-a Dog
– Alfredo Sauce
– Alfalfa sprouts
– Alfarama
– and, sometimes, Sir Puppenstein the Fifth
March 28, 2012 at 8:15 am
My boyfriend’s grandma talks to the family pets like they’re people, asking them questions and the like. I wouldn’t mind so much if I didn’t get confused thinking that she’s talking to me half that time. It’s kind of awkward have any older lady ask you if you need to go potty outside…
March 29, 2012 at 4:29 am
My dog really can talk. Cooper the Super Pooper. He leaves messages, too. Often in the form of Poop.
But a previous dog demanded beer. Goliath had a taste for it, and at 120 pounds, few refused him. I, naturally, have no idea where he got this taste…
March 29, 2012 at 7:47 am
Did the dog also start watching football on Sundays and telling you to stop nagging him?
March 29, 2012 at 8:58 am
How did you know?
March 31, 2012 at 7:57 pm
I would not want to be a member of any cat’s club that would have me as a member of it (imagine that that is less awkward & more witty). OR any self-respecting cat would pluck the eyeball from your head and play with it for presuming to speak the cutesy talk to it’s Eminence.
June 14, 2012 at 12:48 pm
I always talked to my pets like another person. You know, “Get off that couch right now!”